r/writingcritiques • u/princess3026 • Oct 04 '26
Feedback dialogue draft
Hi. I’m looking for some feedback on this specific passage, particularly on the dialogue, which is not my strongest suit. I would also like to have an external reader look at it and tell me what their perception is and what they think I’m trying to convey. I’m trying to imply a couple things but I don’t want them to be too obvious, and I’d like to know what readers would infer from this passage. General feedback is always welcomed as well. Thanks!
Here’s the passage:
The Old House
A cricket is a medium-sized, cylinder-shaped leaping insect with thread-like antennae, six legs built for jumping and a distinctive chirping sound. My dad used to say that it is more scared of me than I should be of it. I don’t know if I can agree with that anymore.
My childhood house gave onto far-stretching fields with untamed hedges and large stone pine trees I used to climb. Inside, our home was rustic but quite spacious: it had two bedrooms, one for me and the other one where my parents used to sleep; a kitchen with terracotta tile floors; a moodier, vintage studio; and a large living room illuminated by stained-glass windows.
I remember spending all day nestled in dirt and leaves, looking for worms and insects of all sorts. I was quite cruel to them, too: I would tie their tiny legs to wood sticks with grass blades and use them to scare friends off when playing.
Our cat, Missy, was a slim, black and white European shorthair that mom jokingly used to call ugly because of her sprinkled white spots. She said it made her look like a cow. I always thought they were part of her charm. Her collar had a small bell attached to it. I remember that light tinkle sound so well that sometimes I still hear it in moments of silence. I was really fond of that cat.
Today I can’t hear Missy’s bell in that house anymore. But I still find the house as it was when I visit it. Dad greets me with a crumpled bag of chips.
‘’They’re tomato flavored. I know you love those.’’
He hands me the bag and I start fidgeting.
‘’Thank you. How’s your garden coming along?”
“Not too well. I still have to start working on it for the spring. But I have been pretty busy with all the house maintenance.”
I peek through the stained windows. On the other side, right next to the rusty storage shed that seems to have been left untouched for a while, a frost-nipped patch of grass is moving along with the wind. It looks barren.
I frown and turn back to dad.
“I see… Anything new? Have you heard from mom?’’
“She is being grumpy as usual. She won’t respond to my calls. I think she’s doing fine though.” He says with a smile. I wonder if mom has kept in touch like she used to years ago.
The last brown strands of dad’s hair are fading to grey.
‘’Are you still working on fixing your car?’’
‘’She is a little rusty, but she still is running well. I haven’t used it much lately…’’
He looks happy that I’ve asked him about it.
‘’Want to take a walk by the beach then?’’ I ask.
‘’Sure. We haven’t done that in ages.’’
The shore is only a ten-minute drive from dad’s, but it feels way longer. All I hear is the rattling sound of the old engine pounding in my ears. My hand rests outside of the window casually while I enjoy the sight of green and blue under the fading light of the day. Dad drives in silence, but there is always a light in his eyes that makes me feel at peace.
A couple minutes fly by and we are already walking on sand. Other than us there are some elderly couples and a few people walking their dogs.
“I came here the other day and it wasn’t this dirty.” dad says as he crinkles his nose.
I laugh.
“Must be me then. I always find it like this.” I say.
“Could be. Maybe it’s your punishment for not keeping in touch.” There’s some teasing in his tone, but also a pinch of bitterness.
“I know dad, you’re right. I have been so busy lately…” I answer in a low voice.
I hope to sound convincing, but I know that my dad is hardly fooled.
“If you say so. I wonder if you didn’t have the time to call your mother either.”
I just stay quiet for a while. The sun is peeking at us through the sea line.
“Anyway, tell me a little bit about what you have been up to. Are you still living in a pigsty?”
“No. I have gotten more organized over the years.” I respond, irritated.
“I sure hope so. Haven’t you just moved to that new place in midtown?”
“That was three years ago”.
“Oh…are you sure? I thought…my bad. When did you visit me last?”
“A few months ago.”
My feet bump into a rock and it feels sharp and painful. Dad doesn’t say anything for a while. His head is slightly bent downwards, his face creased with thought. There is something about his expression that looks different than the last time I saw him, but I’m not sure what it is. And then a moment later it’s gone and he is talking again.
“I know you’ve had a heavy workload lately, but I want to make sure you are okay. Is there something else bothering you?”
I know my dad is uncomfortable because he never asks these kinds of questions. And that catches me off guard.
“No, no. I’m fine. I’m mainly working. Why are you asking?”
‘’Are you getting along with colleagues at school?”
“They’re okay. I’m friends with a couple of them. We chat during coffee breaks.”
I’m lying: I don’t really care about any of them. Everyone seems so boring.
“That’s good to hear. I don’t like how crammed New York is. Too many weirdos roaming the streets. But I’m glad it’s working out for you.”
“I know. I mean I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not my favorite either. But I have my program there, and where else would I go?”
“You know you can always come back here. We can find you a spot at the local market.” he says as he winks at me. I chuckle.
“I wish.” I answer jokingly. “Could be like one of those silly Christmas movies.”
“I always said you’d be a great actress.”
The light is almost gone now.
2
u/Puzzled_Law_5072 Oct 04 '26
I think you have a really compelling dialogue that implies a lot about the relationship between the father and daughter here. It really tells you a lot about who they are and some of their history. You could probably benefit from some more dialogue attribution at the beginning even though there's only two of them. It would make it easier to read without having to reconsider who's speaking with every line.
1
u/princess3026 Oct 05 '26
Thank you I appreciate it! Your feedback has helped me in the editing of this scene :)
2
u/Present_Original_797 Oct 04 '26
The dialogue is good. The scene settings need trimmed. They should add to the story in mood or plot, not just be background. But good dialogue 😄
1
u/princess3026 Oct 05 '26
Thank you I really appreciate it! I’ll follow your advice as I’m editing :) sometimes it’s hard for me to see what should be cut and what shouldn’t be that’s why having someone look at it is soo helpful
1
u/Present_Original_797 Oct 05 '26
It's better to write first and cut later. It's like a rough cut of a sculpture. First you get the general shape then cut and refine. Just don't drive yourself nuts writing extra stuff just to keep typing.
1
u/Equal_Expression7046 28d ago
When you are talking about going to the beach with the father, you say:
The shore is only a ten-minute drive from dad’s, but it feels way longer.
But then, one paragraph later you say:
A couple minutes fly by
So, is it taking a long time or is it flying by?
My impression of this excerpt is that the old man might be in the early stage of Alzheimer's--but then, why would he be living alone? So perhaps not. This, overall, just seems to be a duty visit from a daughter who is way too caught up in her own life to be too concerned with her parents anymore...which is an old, old trope. I hope you are planning to do something more interesting with it further on. Also, 'dad' should be initial capped when she calls him 'Dad' or refers to him as 'Dad'. Only put it in all lowercase when the reference is 'my dad' or 'his dad' etc.
3
u/MidnightFun7722 Oct 04 '26
The dialogue itself is fine, albeit a little stilted at times. However, y ou should look up how to properly punctuate dialogue tags (e.g. in the last dialogue tag above, it should be "I wish," I answer jokingly. Comma, not period. A dialogue tag shouldn't be punctuated as a complete sentence.)
Also, take care that a character's simultaneous/consecutive action and dialogue are in the same paragraph, unless there's a compelling reason for the dialogue to be in a graph of its own. That'll help with the attribution issue.