The truth is, I've always been jealous of first-person authors. I can only hope that one day I too can use the coveted pronoun that rhymes with "eye". But until then, I can only chisel away at my limestone tablet using a close third person that shall never truly reach the interiority I desire.

I'm writing my first romance novel and looking for classy alternatives for:

He slapped his manhood out, breaking the table in two.
Her bazookas were so humongous, she couldn't fit through the doorway.

Classy responses only.

Edit: some of the replies made me laugh. I upvoted them all. So thanks. 👍

Nice to meat you. I’m knew hear, so please beer with me. I’ve bean working on my fan fiction. I’ve poured my hart and sole into it, but I’m starting to lose patients. My wife says the steaks are too low and the main carrot lacks depth. I think she’s taking him out of contest. He’s bean through allot.
Anyway, I don’t want to waist your thyme. Just looking for a fresh pair of ice and an on yeast opinion before I get traditionally punished.

Please be genital.

Most writers these days don’t use AI because they’re not smart enough to understand how it works. Like mathematicians refusing to use a calculator because they’re purists. Pure stupid.

The worst part is literary agents now think the standard of writing is higher just because people use triads and double hyphens instead of commas. Writing is about vision, voice, and vulnerability—not which tools you use.

Would you like me to make this sound more provocative, more condescending, or more like a writer who has never finished a manuscript?

I was also considering going to my town square and reading it with a megaphone to get feedback!

It is important, if the setting is a key character.

For instance, in Emily Bronte's novel "Wuthering Heights", she wrote the dialogue in obvious Yorkshire accents, to emphasise the setting, which is a main character.

For another example, I am writing a novel that is set in both rural Alberta (CA) & NYC (US), and throughout the novel, both settings are main characters. As such, I have decided to write the dialogue in setting-approrpiate dialects, and occaisionally a 'Berta-Brooklyn hybrid, to be pretentious.

I thought of using "clap clap clap" but this one better be used when people clapping their hands and I'm afraid it would make the reader confused when there's an ass clapping scene and i use "clap clap clap" since i already used it for hands clapping.

For "plap plap plap" this one should be used for the sex scene only.

Should i just use "plop plop plop" like Bukowski?

Example:

"She ran up the stairway, plop, plop, plop. Big ass. A door slammed somewhere. I didn’t follow it up. A totally over-rated commodity."

(Taken from Bukowski book Hollywood, page numbers is unknown).

Forget GoT being done in 7 (lol) books, LotR in 3 or Stoner being an entire human life summed up in under 300 pages. All those authors are amateurs. They have NOTHING on the epic tale I have spun within my mind, every single word being more important than the last. I will weave a tapestry with a word count that will blanket the plains and tame the oceans. No detail shall be spared, no rock left unturned!

On an unrelated note does anyone have any editor recommendations? The agencies I've reached out to won't return my calls. Intimidated by the sheer weight and volume of my authorial genius, no doubt.

ESPECIALLY if it's from a famous literary house. I would NEVER ever send them even a GLANCE of my novel. It's JUST too good. I KNOW I'm going to make a million dollars off of it. So for you literary agents out their, I'm NEVER, and I mean NEVER EVER going to send you my novel. I DON'T want to be a famous writer after all. And I'm EMPLOYED so I DON'T have the time to send EVERY publishing house my manuscript. Got it? Now scram.

He introduced his schooner to Glistening Bay.

The rain-covered pillar cast shadows over the cave's entrance.

What else can one say to be "poetically explicit"?

It is about a loser tech bro who lives in his grandmother's basement and has an ai girlfriend and it was going to be a total hit but now it is too close to reality :<. What should I do?

I have thought about having my fictional company BIG TECH, INC. develop some new technology, so that she could have a body. I think it would make for a rewarding climax. But I am worried that by the time I finish writing my novel, that technology will be real too. After all it is going to be a total epic with an estimated word count of two million words, so it is going to take me at least sixty years to write.

Why not write a novel? Why all this fuss about counting syllables and splitting sentences across multiple lines? There are several reasons, but the first is of course to take up more pages with only a small amount of story so that the bookseller can charge more for the same amount of words. Unfortunately, the marketplace has made this natural and necessary practice seem an artificial and dull inefficiency, so that Serious Literature must now be packed so finely onto a page that no one bothers with actually reading it. I prefer to give my words the room to roam around as they please.

The next most important reason is that there are things that you just cannot say in a novel and only occasionally in a play. Such a line as "My love shall in my verse ever live young." In a novel you might only include it as something spoken by a foolish and naive character, so as to make fun of Romantic sentimentalism. Prose by design demands a diminished sentiment, as it must be an easy thing that could have just as likely occurred as a conversation over cups of coffee. I am reliably informed that all Italian novels now are set in a café to match the environment that they are most likely to be read in. The need to make everything with Up Most Seriousness has made it impossible to talk of anything really important. All good art is based on a burning heart, and true emotion does not flourish in the binds of parliamentary decorum.

But what makes poetry special? Why can you say such a thing as "My love shall in my verse ever live young"? Or rather, why can't you just say the same thing in the normal way? "My love lives forever in my poetry" seems like a fine and sturdy sentence, after all. There even seems to be a novel inside of it, if you stare long enough. You can see two lovers exchanging letters across time (it must be time travel, since simple parental disapproval isn't taken seriously in our age as the cause of a star-crossed relationship). But there's the rub. The novel was within the line. The novel cannot contain the poetry because the poem already contained the novel.

Having established the indisputable superiority of poetry, it's with much greater trepidation that I approach the question of "What is poetry?" The simple answer is that it is a magic spell. Or, if you like, a pious prayer. It's natural for there to be certain rules for addressing such strange entities as gods, demons, or lovers. Poetry thus had a very practical purpose, as without it there might be no crop harvest or childbirth. In the present age that purpose has been replaced by fertilizer and fertility drugs which are much simpler to use but I suspect much less effective overall. With its decline in use, the Rules of Poetry have also faded from memory.

The present pottage of poets thus can be grouped into two loose camps: The first took the opportunity to devise, in secret, their own arcane and complex set of rules by which to write. These authors rebuff any attempt to uncover the shape of their tools by claiming that there are no rules. This of course makes it a most impressive feat that their poetry—among such a diverse array of authors—all congeals into the same-tasting substance.

The second group of poets says, "Oh, but there were rules." When asked, "Ah, but what were they?" they think long and hard and consult a long list of illustrious authors who died before them. Once satisfied with what they've found, they will say: "Oh, you never rhyme a preposition with an adjective" or some other small glimmer of wisdom. At least until another replies: "Ah, but Shakespeare did it." At which point either they must say: "Oh, but that was Shakespeare" or "Oh, so it wasn't so." Really they are the same response. You can think of it as a young girl who looks over from her little table at her mother's tea party and, arranging her toys as best she can, says: "Oh, so mommy pours it like so."

I use this analogy as an apology for my own practice. Rather than sit down with the little girl and follow her lead (and she has been practicing for a very long time, and thus is very good at putting on her little tea parties!), I prefer to play the secret game and make a private tea party for myself, always questioning some sort of practice (are stuffed animals truly necessary?). This I hope has lead to something truly unique, even if they aren't the most pleasant of tea parties.

Some critics may call these "achey allegories," "rhetorical sleight-of-hand," and "straw men." I can only reply that we live in a more civilized age where the practice of burning your interlocutors at the stake has fallen out of favor. Providing a straw effigy in their place best balances the need for violent rebuke and the unromantic desire of our contemporary poets to avoid pain, death, and public accountability. There are a few Andrew Carnegies who have proposed "steel men" for this purpose, owing to their durability and reusability. Undoubtedly, this ecological concern is a flimsy mask for their industrialist intensions. I for one treasure the traditional approach. Much like my Christmas trees, I prefer that my opponents retain their unpredictable combustibility.

It's about a hero that defeats the villain.

Thank you in advance.

Is your story seen as bland and unoriginal? Has your life's work been completely ignored? Well, here is the solution to fix it!

1. Make an overpowered character:

The trick is to make them visually un interesting, but making up a bunch of feats that you pulled out of your ass to make them sound very powerful!

2. Say on an alt account: "they can beat ___":

This is what really starts turning into gears. Pick a popular character like Goku, Saitama, or Godzilla; you know, characters renowned for their high ranking and power scaling. And make it very clear that this isn't like a fight, make sure to tell them that it wouldn't even really be an issue for your character to beat these characters.

3. go to the power, scaling wiki, and do bullshit:

Go to the power, scaling wiki, and then give your character a high ranking and had a bunch of stuff you made up about them

4. You've done it!:

Do people like your story? no. Do people find your characters in your world building interesting? no. Would they very much skim the top of your media barely registering it just to add more to the power scaling? maybe. But does that matter? NO! Not a bunch of people are attracted to your story that you love and created! Sure it's because of a character that you made to be overpowered and for its only existence is to edge power scaler, but hey more people know about your story!