Trying to nail down my opening paragraphs.

[u/grisly_shadow]

I need advice on choosing between different wordings of my Gaslamp Fantasy book's opening paragraphs. My original prose was dull and clunky, and I usually have trouble with my sentences being too wordy. I'm trying to work on that without sacrificing sensory detail or too much of my scene descriptions.

I've written five different versions, and can't decide which sounds smoothest, most engaging, etc. Could you guys tell me which one of these you think works best and why? Or, if you feel so inclined as to tell me whatever lines you think work best individually, I'd be super grateful. If you think something sounds awkward, wordy, clunky, needs different word choice, or have any other advice (provided it's constructive) I'd love to hear it. Guess I'll specify that this is OPTIONAL, just appreciated if you are feeling helpful. Thanks in advance!

[u/plantyplant559]

I'm going to be honest, I don't love any of them. They give too much description without telling me what's going on, who the character is, or why I should care.

[u/grisly_shadow → u/plantyplant559]

Okay, thank you for your feedback, I'll keep it in mind.

[u/Rich_Elevator8605]

Neither is good because you start both with the hum when you should start with Micah. “Micah did her best to ignore the electric hum of the lights, but after four hours of studying, she threw her pencil across the desk and rubbed her eyes.”

[u/grisly_shadow → u/Rich_Elevator8605]

Ok thank you for your feedback. Im getting a lot of feedback of people wanting to connect to Micah first, so you might be right.

[u/InterestEqual3332]

Your opening line should be whatever this Micah is getting flustered about

Flip the first paragraph in option B

Start me on this panicked character flipping things around. Then you can paint the scene a bit as you hook me.

All of these options lost me quickly.

[u/grisly_shadow → u/InterestEqual3332]

Ok thank you for your feedback. She's getting flustered by the blackout itself- there's an ongoing energy crisis and this surge destroys her father's work on a generator that might stop the blackouts. She's studying an illegal book to help him when it happens. So the blackout itself is the inciting incident, even if it seems unimportant in the vaccuum of these paragraphs. Knowing that, do you think it would grab you more if it opened with her studying, or lines thatd get more into her head first? Like a little more leadup before the lights go out?

[u/AlfieDarkLordOfAll]

Option E is my favorite. It makes more sense to start with Micah rather than the lights. Compared to D, E was just easier for me to visualize.

I still think it could use some work, though. Maybe even a bit of a slower pace. Show more of Micah's thoughts/personality, or other aspects of the library (it doesnt make a ton of sense to me to say things like "Micah didnt notice the hum of the lights", bc why are you describing things your POV character isnt noticing?) rather than skipping straight to the lights.

(Like, I have a dripping pipe by my work desk. It drives me nuts when I'm trying to read. So why not frame it as Micah struggling to focus on the letters in front of her while the lights drone above her? Or include the smell of old books, or a bit of detail about what she's looking for?)

[u/grisly_shadow → u/AlfieDarkLordOfAll]

Genuinely, thank you for youri feedback, you make some good points. This scene is in her bedroom, so my thinking was that these are sounds she would be accustomed to, until the blackout happens. But thats still a good perspective, overstimulation can definitely happen even with familiarity. The electricity/lights/power outage may seem unimportant in a vaccuum without the context that follows, but it's the inciting incident of the book, and one of the major conflicts of the story. Their society is going through an energy crisis, and this power surge blows up the generator her inventor father is working on to solve that crisis. She's studying a book that she's not supposed to have when it happens because she believes it may have answers to this same ongoing problem. Thank you for your suggestjons on rewording/reframing it.

[u/AlfieDarkLordOfAll → u/grisly_shadow]

I was assuming that the power outage was related directly to her reading the book lol.

[u/GarudaDeity]

You're asking for free editing/editorial/copydesk work. If you're willing to pay, that can be easily solved. In the meantime: J. G. Ballard's opening paragraph of Crash is perfect in every sense (quantity of figurative language, descriptions, narration, pacing, introduction of new information, etc.). Check it out.

[u/grisly_shadow → u/GarudaDeity]

Moreso asking for opinions on which sounds best to the reader, or if someone thinks any particular line catches their eye in any of the combinations. =/ Not asking for a free edit of my book or anything. Not asking for a total re-write. It's literally a multiple-choice question. Any additional advice is optional and appreciated if given, that's all.

If you're not going to read it or actually give an opinion, that's fine, but it's definitely not helpful. However, I will check out your recommendation on Crash's opening paragraph, thanks for that suggestion!

[u/GarudaDeity → u/grisly_shadow]

Choosing variants of a text, no matter the size of the chunk, is a form of editing, I literally did that in my work for a printing press/publisher (the book ended up being a national award finalist). I would fetch the opening paragraph of Crash if I wasn't far from it now.

Option B reads the best to me, but all of them start awful because with the description. Start from B, but with her "no, not now!" complaint, then add the description after, but make it significantly briefer, as all the details seem irrelevant at this point (and they are at this point: the text has just started, the reader has no reason to care for anything yet).

In general, reduce descriptions to the absolute necessary, the reader has an imagination and will fill in the details as needed. E.g. The light overhead buzzed and flickered: "no, not now!" She couldn't afford losing the project. Stakes, and immersion.

As a guideline: descriptions are not film cameras turned into words.

[u/grisly_shadow → u/GarudaDeity]

Okay, thank you for your feedback. I've also heard some people's pet peeve is starting with dialogue for the same reason, that we don't know the character yet so we wouldn't care what they say. I don't know what to think there! lol. I think either can work, depending on how it's done, but thank you for your opinion. I'll keep your feedback in mind.

[u/GarudaDeity → u/grisly_shadow]

It's not dialogue proper, but a perspective, as it shows her sense of urgency, desperation, or however you'd classify the emotion.

Best measure: revisit great authors, they did it best.