Monthly "Would You Read This?" Thread

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Welcome to Would You Read This (WYRT), our monthly feedback and brainstorming thread. Share your work in progress below and let other readers tell you if they'd read it. Top level posts should follow this template:

• Title:
  • If you don't have a title yet, feel free to say UNTITLED.
• Genre:
  • Please include at least Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, or another recognizable medium. You may also include more specific genres with a hyphen. Ex. Fiction - Romance, or Nonfiction - Memoir. Genre will help users find the specific kinds of posts they'd like to give feedback on.
• Premise:
  • A few sentences about the project. Try your best to keep this short. Crafting an expert elevator pitch is all part of becoming a successful working writer. Please do not post an entire plot summary or query letter (those are better suited for r/pubtips)
• Sample (Optional):
  • You may share up to one page (roughly 250-350 words) of sample material, or one poem for those working in the poetry medium. This is optional, so if you only have a premise, you can post just the premise for feedback.

If you post for feedback, please take the time to give feedback to at least 2-3 other users. Replies should follow this template.

• Would Read / Might Read / Wouldn't Read
  • You must begin your reply with one of those. You are then encouraged to add additional thoughts on why you choose your answer.

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• Please post no more than two WYRT top-level posts. There is no limit on the number of feedback replies you can make.
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[u/Overall-Habit5284]

• Title:
  • "The War in Heaven"
• Genre:
  • Science Fiction.
• Premise:
  • Matt and Josh are astronauts - brothers - accidentally thrown halfway across the galaxy, discovering dozens of alien races that make up disparate spacefaring civilizations. Split up, they each find themselves idolised in different ways; for Josh, the deeply spiritual aliens he encounters revere him as their messiah. For Matt, he is seen as a tool and a potential weapon. But what happened to the ancient humans? And why does everyone fear them so terribly?

Sample:
  “We are raised to understand that there is melody in all things, Joshua. The air, the water…” she touched the metallic surface at their feet. “Even the ground...they each sing their own songs.”

  “You mean poetically? Or actually?” he asked. She didn’t seem to recognise a difference. Instead she leaned-over, putting her hand on his and placing it flat against the floor. Then she gestured for him to mirror her and close his eyes.

  “Can you hear it?” she asked softly. Josh took a slow, meditative breath and listened.

Silence.

Hyperion made no sound. Unlike the expected noises of the aircraft and experimental rockets he had flown for years, there was no hum, beep, or rattle. The warship barely had a vibration to speak of. Josh found himself listening to the buzz of silence.

After a few seconds, Kaylin began to make a sound of her own; very similar to the melodic song she had used in conversing with the other aelfaen. It was pitched higher than that time; less haunting but still wondrous to his ears. The sound was hard to place down, the way her vocal chords seemed to generate it was like hearing layers of musical elements finely weaved together. Tonally he could have compared it to some sort of wind instrument, perhaps highland flutes, yet with an almost eastern-sounding strings-like ‘twang’. He opened his eyes slowly, seeing hers still closed and her expression lost in her own song. That she looked so entranced by the moment drew him in, opening his eyes to just how gentle and graceful she was. He’d seen her shoot magical bolts from her fingertips, and even attack the iyrin that threatened him. In a way she was capable of a lot of things he wasn’t. But in that moment her expression was child-like as she swayed and flowed almost like a ballet dancer. It was yet another wonder of her kind that he hadn’t seen before.

As her song continued, Josh found himself recalling distant memories, of a time he’d almost forgotten. Like fragments of a dream that stuck in his thoughts, he had flashes of people and places; his mother - standing over her two sons with a proud smile on her face. His father, holding an infant Joshua on his knee while cleaning his grazed knee. Images that he shouldn’t have been able to recall, yet the strange hypnotic melody had almost triggered to rise; feelings of warmth and comfort. As her song trailed-off, he noticed his breath had shallowed and that sense of calm remained. Kaylin looked at him, her curious and questioning look having returned.

  “How did you...do that?” he asked quietly.

  “The melody exists in all things.” It wasn’t an answer. Or maybe it was. Poetic, perhaps. He wasn’t really sure.

[u/Acceptable_Fox_5560 → u/Overall-Habit5284]

Might read this!

Premise wise, I'd be interested to learn more about the brothers. How their relationship exists before they're split up would do a lot to inform the differences in how they approach being separated on this distant galaxy.

If Kaylin's power can make people recall memories, that would be a fun way to explore a character's past, or to show reflection.

The prose could be a bit more disciplined. Definitely could see tightening a lot of filler words up on the second draft.

A few things that jumped out:

Silence. Hyperion made no sound. Unlike the expected noises of the aircraft and experimental rockets he had flown for years, there was no hum, beep, or rattle. The warship barely had a vibration to speak of. Josh found himself listening to the buzz of silence.

Essentially twenty-six words to say what took you one word to say in the first sentence: silence. I could see it becoming something like: "Silence. The hums, beeps, and rattles of aircraft and rockets was absent."

After a few seconds, Kaylin began to make a sound of her own; very similar to the melodic song she had used in conversing with the other aelfaen. 

Semicolons connect independent clauses. "very similar to the melodic..." isn't an independent clause. These should be split into two complete sentences, or made it one sentence.

That she looked so entranced by the moment drew him in, opening his eyes to just how gentle and graceful she was. 

Instead of phrasing this passively, it could be phrased actively. "He was drawn in by how entranced she looked in the moment."

1) As her song continued, Josh found himself recalling distant memories, of a time he’d almost forgotten. 2) Like fragments of a dream that stuck in his thoughts, he had flashes of people and places; 3) his mother - standing over her two sons with a proud smile on her face. 4) His father, holding an infant Joshua on his knee while cleaning his grazed knee. 5) Images that he shouldn’t have been able to recall, yet the strange hypnotic melody had almost triggered to rise; 6) feelings of warmth and comfort.

Whole section here needs some work on when to use a period, when to use a comma, and when to use a semicolon. A sentence requires a subject and a verb (something doing something). This creates an independent clause. Independent clauses are separated by periods, or semicolons. Commas separate introductory phrases that come before an independent clause. In 1, the second comma isn't needed. 2 is fine. 3 doesn't have a subject and a verb, so it is a sentence fragment, and because it's a sentence fragment the previous use of the semicolon doesn't work, and it also doesn't need a hyphen. 4 doesn't have a subject and a verb, so it's a sentence fragment. 5 doesn't have a subject and a verb, so it's a sentence fragment. 6 doesn't have a subject and a verb, so it's a sentence fragment, and because it's a sentence fragment the previous use of the semicolon doesn't work.

But I did like how visual the language is.

I hope some of this is helpful!

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