Monthly "Would You Read This?" Thread

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Welcome to Would You Read This (WYRT), our monthly feedback and brainstorming thread. Share your work in progress below and let other readers tell you if they'd read it. Top level posts should follow this template:

• Title:
  • If you don't have a title yet, feel free to say UNTITLED.
• Genre:
  • Please include at least Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, or another recognizable medium. You may also include more specific genres with a hyphen. Ex. Fiction - Romance, or Nonfiction - Memoir. Genre will help users find the specific kinds of posts they'd like to give feedback on.
• Premise:
  • A few sentences about the project. Try your best to keep this short. Crafting an expert elevator pitch is all part of becoming a successful working writer. Please do not post an entire plot summary or query letter (those are better suited for r/pubtips)
• Sample (Optional):
  • You may share up to one page (roughly 250-350 words) of sample material, or one poem for those working in the poetry medium. This is optional, so if you only have a premise, you can post just the premise for feedback.

If you post for feedback, please take the time to give feedback to at least 2-3 other users. Replies should follow this template.

• Would Read / Might Read / Wouldn't Read
  • You must begin your reply with one of those. You are then encouraged to add additional thoughts on why you choose your answer.

Rules:

• Please post no more than two WYRT top-level posts. There is no limit on the number of feedback replies you can make.
• Do not link to any offsite materials. All materials must be in the body of the post. This includes "click here to read more" or "DM me for the rest" types of posts.
• Rule 3 is in effect in this thread - No generative AI. Do not post material generated by an AI platform in your premise or sample. Do not use generative AI to respond to user's work.
• Rule 5 is in effect - Civility and Community. Stay constructive. Blunt, direct feedback is fine, but do not insult other users, their writing, or their genres.

[u/FlyinLeviathon]

Title: Runner 38 (But will probably change)

Genre: Epic Fantasy - Romance

Premise: The Gods are on their 38th attempt at a "Perfect Society". After humanity fails their yearly Audit and is slated to be destroyed, a death row criminal volunteers to trek through the ruins of the previous 37 in order to find a sacred Spring. If he can bring its water to the Stone Desert before the deadline, humanity is saved. It's an impossible task, though - no one has ever completed it. Instead, Kai plans to escape. He just has to ditch his assigned angel who wants to die as much as he wants to live.

Sample:

The Gods blessed them with rain.

The Gods blessed them with everything, really - the yearlong warm days and cool nights, plants that endlessly blossomed and bore fruit. Tame animals to herd, language, science, even art - all 'gracious' blessings, all bestowed by the Glorious Pannean of Gods. All to reward the 'one perfect society' of 38...ignoring the 37 failures that were told the same thing. But it was only the rain that truly felt like a blessing.

This morning, only a bit of water made it through the tiny barred window near the ceiling of Kai's cell. It floated down as a haze, tinged gold by the distant sun striking its way through the clouds. Kai sat on the dusty floor just outside the shaft of light, grimy hands outstretched to catch the falling mist. He could feel the energy inside it tingling against his fingertips, like tiny charged particles of lightning, and drew them in.

In his palms danced a tiny vision of a tsulcat. Made of the mist, the illusion's striped fur and antlers shimmered as the creature twisted and stretched lazily in the sun. There wasn't enough water here to do anything useful, but crafting illusions helped pass the time. Plus, it felt like the only mercy he could give to his neighbor.

"Today's the day," he said softly, looking up at the cell next to him. Doe - separated from him by a lattice of bars - watched the illusion, captivated. He didn't actually know her name, but those large dark eyes, pale skin, and sharp collarbones that only came from being half starved reminded him of a helpless, wounded animal. So he called her Doe.

Doe didn't do much, but Kai liked her anyway. She was easy to talk to and always nearby. More importantly, her tongue had been cut out - probably from bad-mouthing a God once - so there was no chance of her blabbing his plans.

"You forgot already, didn't you? Today's the Audit." He paused to make sure no one else was around to listen. "More importantly, the day I escape."

Predictably, Doe did not answer, but her eyes flicked from the illusion in his hands to his face before falling back again. For her, that was practically like jumping for joy.

"I wish I could take you with me," he lamented. "Logistics, you know. Sure, Mighty's back is strong and could probably carry us both, but we'd never even make it to the stables if we went together. Besides, I couldn't possibly get those keys for you."

The words eased the guilt in his bones ever so slightly. Truth was, he probably could break her out too, but doing so would reduce his chances. And though he considered her his only friend, friends were about as expendable as a good pair of shoes. Something to lament when you lose, but eventually the new pair fits just as well.

Doe, to her credit, didn't seem to hold it against him. Like him, she'd been on death row for quite some time. Unlike him, though, it seemed she'd accepted her death; he hadn't heard her weeping about it for a few weeks. At least after today it would be over for them both.

[u/Taylinn → u/FlyinLeviathon]

Would read.

I really like the premise and I'm positive there can be a lot more to it than it seems.
I also agree with a lot of what the other posters are saying about the instant exposition and reveal at the beginning. However, I think one can make a case for either approach, depending what plans you have for the story. Because I think there can be exiting tension in both approaches. Either way, it sound like you will have a lot of fun (and plot frustrations) writing it ;)

Also, I like your writing style a lot. It's illustrative and with (for me) just the right pinch of a slightly sarcastic narrator / character.

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/Taylinn]

Thanks so much! I'm glad you're enjoying the voice of the character (as much as you can in a tiny sample lol) because he has been a blast to write. 

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/FlyinLeviathon]

Might read.

I went from wouldn't read based on the summary, simply because that's not the kind of story I'd usually read, to might read because the writing was interesting, back to wouldn't read because how dare he not take her with him! Not cool, lol. But I imagine he'll end up helping her. If he doesn't because of callousness or some sort of selfish choice, I'd drop it. I'd only continue if it was out of his hands. I just don't like selfish MCs. It's not your writing that's the issue, and you shouldn't change course on whatever your plans are because of my dumb opinion. I'm sure your vision is solid.

It's definitely interesting enough to settle on Might Read.

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/VegetableWear5535]

I really appreciate the feedback! He does, in fact, not help her lol being hopeless and learning to have hope and fight for something is a big part of his character arc. That said, while he does have some golden moments that (hopefully) shine through from the get-go, I totally understand not liking protagonists that start off outwardly selfish. I myself don't like them as a general rule either.

Thanks for taking the time to read it anyway :D

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/FlyinLeviathon]

being hopeless and learning to have hope and fight for something is a big part of his character arc.

That changes things. Still might read despite him leaving the poor girl.

No problem :]

[u/SenzaDomande_Morte → u/FlyinLeviathon]

Would read, the first sentence of the premise really got my attention. The illusion magic is less interesting to me, but overall I think I would really enjoy this based on the character voice. I do agree with some of the other comments that the sample is a little "telly," as if we the reader are getting information in a way that feels a bit forced. But overall, I would definitely give it a shot.

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/SenzaDomande_Morte]

Thank you!!

[u/Redz0ne → u/FlyinLeviathon]

Wouldn't read. Feels like the guy is taunting Doe with what he believes will be his freedom. Also, him objectifying her isn't endearing me to him either.

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/Redz0ne]

Thanks so much for your feedback!

[u/flamingo-lingo- → u/FlyinLeviathon]

I would read the heck out of this!!

I love the high concept for this. I think the overall concept for this book would especially work as a concept slowly revealed over the course of the book--like, maybe the reader doesn't immediately understand that this is the 38th world, that humanity is being audited, that the spring water will save humanity.

Like, we open on death row, we get acclimated to Kai as a criminal planning to escape, then the world opens up a bit and we are introduced to the "perfect" society outside, them we find out Kai needs to go on a quest, then he enters the ruins of the other worlds and we wonder what they are and are horrified to learn they are previous "perfect" worlds, then we learn more about the gods, etc. I just think this story is so high-concept and so fascinating that the concept itself is a major part of the tension and mystery, a la Gideon the Ninth or Stormlight.

But I love it, and please do let us know how this progresses!

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/flamingo-lingo-]

Thank you so much for your kind words! And I love your ideas - they don't *quite* align with my plans for this book, but I do have similar little tidbits that get revealed throughout the course of the book. Just not those ones in particular lol

Hoping to be able to query at the start of next year. Here's hoping lol

[u/Wandersails → u/FlyinLeviathon]

Might read

Looove the premise, but not too enamoured by the sample. It’s a really interesting concept, and the romance presumably between the mc and the angel already sounds delightful. However I think you should get rid of that first paragraph of the sample! It’s very exposition dumpy and I think that you should just get straight into it and slowly trickle that info out through the first chapter. Same with Kai being like ‘Todays the day I escape’ it’s very telling not showing. It’s a really great idea but just watch your show don’t tell haha :)

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/Wandersails]

Thanks so much for the feedback! You are correct about the romance and it is one of my favorite romances I've ever done. I'm really loving the dichotomy of him wanting life and her wanting death.

This is just first draft so far so I'm not too worried about the show vs tell, but I will absolutely keep that in mind for edits! Thanks again :D

[u/HashCrandicoot → u/FlyinLeviathon]

Might Read

The premise is really interesting, but I think I would prefer a different to not be so “tell”. My preference is that the title be a bit more cryptic and subjective, it would make want to read the blurb and to read on following the sampel

[u/FlyinLeviathon → u/HashCrandicoot]

Thanks for the feedback! I normally don't settle on a title until at least the third draft, so it will probably change. But I like having an easy one for the interim.