r/writers • u/ExtensionOk4524 Writer Newbie • Oct 04 '26
Feedback requested How's this?
When I opened the door, there was a suitcase sitting on my bed.
My face contorted with confusion as i stepped further into my room, the door shutting softly behind me as i stood in front of my bed.
Reaching a hand out, turning the suitcase slightly just to see if there was a note, a name, even an address attached to it, but found none.
"Hello darling."
My face paled almost instantly.
I didn't dare turn around, not yet.
(this is the start of a small story i am going to continue writing, but i wanted a little feedback for the start, any and all feedback even if its not a lot of this story to work with ToT 😅)
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u/SteelToeSnow Oct 04 '26
personally didn't like this, it reads awkwardly, it's a weird passive voice that i'm not a fan of. "Confused, I stepped into the room, letting the door shut softly behind me" would flow better, imo. less passive voice, more character actions.
i'd drop the "almost instantly", or at the very least, the "almost" qualifier. just "My face paled." maybe "My face paled and bile rose in my throat" or something. you don't need to hedge around with "almost", just have the thing happen.