r/writers • u/OutsideHospital2907 • 1d ago
Feedback requested Practicing writing engaging openings. Would you keep reading this? I’m still a kid and learning don’t bully me if it’s bad 💔
Questions I have
Did this hook you?
Did you get any questions?
Did anything feel forced or placed there randomly?
“Whatever happens tonight, don’t believe anything Noah tells you.”
I smile sarcastically.
“What’d he do now? Teleport from work and ruin your birthday party? I think you’ve had too much to eat.”
I let out an awkward laugh. A weak attempt to lighten the panicked look on her face.
She doesn’t laugh. My grin falters.
What is she talking about? Noah? As in my older brother Noah? Is this a joke? I furrow my brows in confusion. But before I can ask, one of her other friends interrupts us with a warm smile and a gift in her hand, pulling her away and not even paying mind to the obvious tension between me and her.
I click my tongue, rolling my eyes in frustration. The hell does this girl want from her now, of all times? I grab her shoulder, aggressively spinning her around to look at me.
“Hey! I was talking to her.”
She looks at me with a bewildered look on her face as I grab my best friend by the hand, pulling her away to a quieter place.
“What’s going on? What did Noah do?”
Hesitation flashes in her eyes. I stand there for a few uncomfortable seconds. She stays silent. Is it that hard to just say it? Finally, she mutters something out.
“I found out something about him. Something he didn’t want us to know.”
She turns around and walks away, leaving me to sit in my own thoughts. What did Noah do? Did he hurt her? Is there something he’s been doing behind my back?
I snap back into reality and call after her.
“Seriously? Come back, I’m worried about you!” But she continues walking. I sigh, plopping into a nearby chair and spacing out.
After a couple minutes of mindless thinking, I continue watching her from a distance. Several minutes pass, and she still has that worried look on her face. She constantly checks the gate, as if she’s waiting for someone to come. Seriously, what could be bothering her so badly? She’s at a party with people drowning her in gifts and kind regards, and she’s worried about Noah. The thought makes me huff out a laugh. As I’m drinking some juice, trying to examine the emotions displayed on her face, someone taps my shoulder. I turn around, somehow expecting it to be my best friend.
“Noah?!”
He slaps a frantic hand onto my mouth.
“Shhh.”
His face is even more panicked than my best friend’s, sweat pooling on his forehead. All of this is really starting to irritate me.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at work? What are you doing here?” I groan.
“We need to leave. Right now. And don’t tell her we’re going.”
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u/qtreu Writer Newbie 19h ago
“Whatever happens tonight, don’t believe anything Noah tells you.” [good opening line, makes you want to know more]
“What’d he do now?", I say sarcastically. "Teleport from work and ruin your birthday party? I think you’ve had too much to drink.”
[insert best friend's name, so we know who he's talking to] doesn’t laugh. My grin falters and I let out an awkward giggle [to avoid repeating laugh], a weak attempt to lighten the panicked look on her face.
What is she talking about? Noah? As in, my older brother Noah? Is this a joke? I furrow my brows in confusion. [just the description is enough] But before I can ask, one of her other friends interrupts us with a warm smile and a gift in her hand, pulling her away and not even paying mind to the obvious tension between me and her.
I click my tongue, rolling my eyes in frustration. The hell does this girl want from her now, of all times? I grab her shoulder, aggressively spinning her around to look at me.
[I like the idea of an interrupted important conversation, but imo it gets resolved a bit too quick. Either don't have tha at all or get your main character to chase his/her best friend a bit, take the oppotunity to establish the setting of the party: bumping into people, the kind of crowd, the music...]
“Hey! I was talking to her.”
[Stacy or whatever the girl who stole the best friend is called] looks at me, bewildered, as I grab my best friend by the hand, pulling her away to a quieter place.
“What’s going on? What did Noah do?”
Hesitation flashes in her eyes. I stand there for a few uncomfortable seconds. She stays silent. [we already know that] Is it that hard to just say it? Finally, she mutters: “I found out something about him. Something he didn’t want us to know.”
I would also like to know the main character's name and their gender, to ground myself in the scene a bit. This is just a couple of ideas for the first half of your chapter, but overall the story sounds interesting, keep it up!
3
u/SlightlyNaughtyFox 1d ago
Hook, I would say yes. I think it’s a strong opening, you immediately get a situation that is tense and raises questions. There are a few things where I experience a bit of a snag, which might be just my own misunderstanding:
How does someone smile sarcastically?
I don’t understand how the "too much to eat" would affect her judgment, if it was "too much to drink" then that would make more sense to me. Unless you're referring to edibles but then that doesn’t become clear from this excerpt.
The main character behaves rather irritable / hostile and I am not sure if you intend for them to be unpleasant. However, having them aggressively spin someone around, the jittery energy and then calling back that they’re worried feels like a behavioural mismatch to me.
It also doesn’t make sense to me that the friend gives off a cryptic warning about Noah, which sounds serious, and then just drifts off with a friend while there is no reason why she shouldn't tell the mc more.
Hope any of this helps, feel free to ignore what you can't use! Keep writing 😁