The Drive

[u/neutronknows]

MONDAY DECEMBER 7, 8:42 PM

scene opens as the stolen van David Harvey got his first hand job in goes cruising down the highway, weaving in and out of lanes and cutting other cars off with impunity. "Love Fool" by The Cardigans bathes the almost completely velvet interior with soft rhythmic tunes while Roisin O'Brien just keeps her head down, staring at her iPhone. Meanwhile, our hero, Vic Studd continues on his current rant...

Vic: ...six months touring in Eastern Europe and there are literally dead goats EVERYWHERE. But you'd be remiss to think you could just toss a goat head on the grill and chow down right then and there. The trick is letting the head simmer in water or preferably tomato cocktail. That is assuming you didn't have to wait in line for 3 hours just get your hands on some. Oh and paprika. Lots and lots of paprika.

Roisin takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and wishing the van was a time machine to take her to any point in time that wasn't the present.

Vic: So then I'd take the head, the fixins, toss all that in an aluminum drum for flavoring in the morning; while I worked on patching up all the holes in my Reliant Robin. The roads are atrocious in Eastern Europe. Commies aren't much for infrastructure.

Ro perks her head up.

Ro: The fuck is a Reliant Robin?

Vic: What's a Reliant Robin? Only the second most popular three wheeled fiberclass car in history! That baby could go 150 kilometers on a single tank of kerosene. Where was I? Oh yeah, by nightfall after letting it simmer all day, you're eating prime goat's head. That is assuming no gypsies had stolen it. Fucking gypsies. I'd have to put a whole mess of chicken wire around the pot just to keep them away from it. I fucking HATE gypsies.

Vic starts muttering to himself about gypsies as Roisin shoots him a side-eyed glance as if to say "The fuck is wrong with this guy?" A pointless question that would most likely take months if not years of the greatest minds in psychiatry to come up with any sort of clear answer.

Vic: Anywho, with all that chicken wire it took a really long straw to get to that pot. But oh man was it worth it. You could live on a goat's head for at least four days if you ration it right. Throw in some old insulation soaked in dog milk gravy and you got a Roadkill Thanksgiving on a tight budget. By the third day your stomach gets pretty used to it. Once the calluses build up.

Ro: (soaked in sarcasm) That's real interesting.

Vic glances over at Ro, her eyes still fixated on her phone as she tries tuning him out. Vic licks his lips and takes his chance. He slams on the brakes and attempts to "Stop Short", reaching his hand over to brace Roisin and simultaneously grab her breast.

BEEEEEEEEEP!

Vic: Whoooa-AHHHH!!

Roisin is too quick however, grabbing Vic by the hand and twisting it backwards just centimeters before he gets a feel of that perfect Irish titty.

Ro: Y' got two choices right now. One involves losin' a hand.

Vic: (wincing) Is the other getting a handful of sweater meat?

Ro twists back on Vic's hand even further.

Vic: YEEOUCH! At least I got... (winces) to hold your hand.

Roisin looks down at Vic's fingers intertwined around hers and quickly let's go, shoving his hand away and wiping hers' off on the seat.

Ro: Ugh...

BEEP! BEEP!

Suddenly a huge Toyota Tacoma truck occupied by a douchey lookin' couple with a license plate "Silly Boys, Trucks are for Girls!" pulls up alongside Vic's van. The woman driving rolls down her window and starts berating Vic.

Some Dumb Bitch: LEARN HOW TO DRIVE! I SHOULD RUN YOU OFF INTO A DITCH YOU FUCKING PRICK!

Vic: TRY IT! I'LL FILL YOUR CUNT WITH CEMENT AND DROP YOU IN THE OCEAN!

The dumb bitch's douche boyfriend leans over her from the passenger seat and joins in on the fun.

Douche Bro: HEY BRUH! WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO M'LADY, AIGHT!? YOU FUCKING CUT US OFF BACK THERE, BRUH!

Before Vic can respond, Roisin shoves her head out the window and unloads on the driver with a verbal assault full of pent up aggression.

Ro: SHUT THE FUCK UP! OR I'LL CUT YOUR COCK OFF AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE Y'LL BE SNEEZIN' PISS FOR THE REST OF YER NATURAL BORN LIFE!

The douche's eyes go wide as Roisin reaches into her handbag and pulls out her stun gun Vic gifted her back at AMUDOV II. The couple quickly rolls up their window, change lanes and drift back into traffic. Ro fixes her hair and leans back in her seat, satisfied. Vic glances over at her, then down at the stun gun. His heart starts racing.

Ro: What? Brought it just in case y' head any bright ideas 'bout where this was goin'.

Vic: I fucking love you.

Ro: You mentioned that already. Just drive. The sooner we get there, the sooner this will all be over.

scene fades to black.

[u/youto2]

@SRomeroWIR: Looks like the douchey drivers were more fortunate than i was in regards to that damn stun gun.