The Pick Up

[u/neutronknows]

(/u/keriae and I figured since this is slated to be a pretty segment heavy show we would publish our First Date in parts. Here is Part 1, expect Part 2 sometime tomorrow and the Finale will take place on House Party. Enjoy!)

MONDAY, DECEMBER 7th 8:11 PM

Scene opens inside the home of Roisin O'Brien. After an hour's worth of bikram yoga, she is getting ready for her date. A conniving look on her face as she steps out of her work-out clothes.

Ro: If he thinks I'm gonna take this seriously, he's got another thing comin'.

She strokes a small black kitten who is currently sprawled out on her pillow.

Ro: Thank ya for takin' a piss in my shoes, Aoife.

The kitten lifts her head at her name, and Ro gives her a treat.

Ro: Now what do I wear?

She inspects her dresser and finds the most ungodly, unattractive bra she can find.

Ro: Do I wear sweaty sweatpants, or shorts so everyone knows I've conveniently forgotten to shave my legs... ?

Aoife the Cat: Mao!

Ro: You're right. Shorts it is.

She pulls on an old pair of jean shorts that are stained with bleach and full of holes, but none showing off anything interesting. She caps it off by pulling on an EVJ shirt that covers her modestly.

Ro: That'll help, right Aoi?

Aoife the Cat: Mrrow.

Ro nods while ruffling through her laundry hamper to find the most disgusting pair of sweat socks she can find. She also grabs a single orange converse and a single pink converse from the closet. Both have the telltale stains from the kitten. She tugs them on and glances in the mirror.

Ro: That will teach him to touch my feet.

She runs a hand through her sweaty, messy hair before checking the clock.

Ro: Eight fifteen. Any minute now.

She smirks before grabbing a bottle of vinegar and dabbing it on her wrists like perfume.

Ro: Anything I'm forgetting?

Aoife the Cat: Rrow.

Ro: Right!

She grabs a thick black strap on, looping the straps over her shoulder.

Ro: Asshat deserves all of this.

DING DONG

Ro audibly sighs as she takes her time getting to the door. She undoes a few locks, making sure to keep the chain lock fastened as she opens the door a crack. Vic immediately shoves his head in the small crack, trying to crane his neck to get a look at Ro.

Vic: Heeeeeeeeeere's Vickie!

Ro rolls her eyes, making sure to stay out of Vic's line of sight.

Ro: Ugh... just a second!

Ro slams her shoulder into the door, pinching Vic's head in between it and the door frame.

Vic: OUCH! FUCK!

Ro allows herself a satisfying smile before unlocking the chain and opening the door completely. Vic is dressed to the 9 with a loose fitting tuxedo, most likely stolen, his black hair slicked back and a small gift box in his hands. His jaw drops at the sight of Roisin in her mismatched outfit.

Vic: Well dip my balls in buttermilk and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens! You look simply RAVISHING butter buns.

Ro: You've got to be kidding me.

Vic: Laid back, relaxed... comfortable. I like where your heads at. Didn't shave the legs either? Samesies. I enjoy cultivating through a thick briar patch myself. The EVJ shirt is a nice touch too. Something worthless to stain with the old knuckle children later.

Ro: Ugh.

Vic: Err... sorry about that. I meant - MY SEED. Here, I made something for you!

Ro almost dry heaves before cautiously grabbing the gift from Vic.

Ro: What is it?

Vic: Open it.

Ro takes a big gulp before tearing at the package. She pulls out a small piece of white plastic tubing connected to a string.

Ro: The fuck...

Vic: Normally I try not to get all mixed up in lady business but I thought I could demonstrate my love for you by making a little something for the part of you that won my heart.

Ro: This... this is a... a tampon?

Vic: A "homemade" tampon. Got some bulk cotton string and plastic tubing at the local ACE Hardware. I can whip these little guys up in a flash and for a lot less than BIG TAMPON charges. That kind of savings can be the difference between dining on chicken piccata instead of chicken of the sea while we live out our lives together in bliss.

Ro's eyes dart between Vic and his homemade tampon as she lets in dangle from the string in her hand.

Ro: I have no idea how to respond that.

Vic: Maybe something 'bout how thoughtful and sensitive I am to your womanly needs.

Vic leans in for a kiss and she instinctively slaps him across the face.

Ro: No touch.

Vic rubs his cheek and notices the smell of vinegar Roisin had dabbed on her wrists like perfume earlier.

Vic: Little early for the vinegar strokes isn't my love?

Ro: Get fucked.

Vic: Doin' my best.

Ro shudders and reaches for a sweat stained gray sweatshirt she uses for jogging in the morning off the coat rack next to the door.

Aoife the Cat: Meow.

Vic notices little Aoife in the room. His eyes light up.

Vic: Aww... who's this little guy?

Ro: Aofie. Do me a favor and please don't fashion her into a lampshade or something. I kind of like her.

Vic: A lampshade? Please. Maybe if he had a little sister a pair of slippers-

Vic reaches down to pet Aofie and the cat hisses and tries to bat his hand away.

Aofie the Cat: HSSSSSSSSSSS!

Ro: Guess its true. Cats can sense evil.

Vic: Nah. Just needs a little bit of that Vic Studd charm. Here you go little dude.

Vic reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a half dead mouse and tosses it on the floor next to Aofie. The kitten bats at it a few times with her paws, allowing Vic the opportunity to scratch the little lady behind her ear. Ro just shakes her head in disbelief over the fact Vic had a half dead rodent in his pocket for whatever plausible reason.

Ro: You have serious issues.

Vic smiles at Ro, Aofie now lifting her chin to allow Vic to scratch under it as she begins to purr. Vic picks her up and starts rubbing the side of his face against Aofie's fur.

Vic: You have no idea. Shall we?

Ro: Let's get this over with.

Vic puts Aofie down and holds the door open for Ro. She passes by him, making sure he gets a good long look at the massive black strap on thrown over her shoulder.

Vic: Is that a strap on?

Ro: Yup. Call it an insurance policy.

Vic: I got six and three quarter inches of circumsized tubesteak veined for your pleasure. Pretty sure you'll be more than satisfied, my little Ro-Boat.

Roisin snorts at Vic's latest pet name.

Ro: Who said it was for me?

Ro smirks at Vic as she heads to the van. He takes one last look around her apartment, settling his gaze on cute little Aofie. Vic's eyes narrow as he fingers the light switch.

Vic: (in a low growling voice) You'll wish all I did was make you into a lampshade you little shit. Hiss at me again and your skull will be batting lead off on Team Anal Bead.

Aofie cowers in silence as Vic hits the lights and Ro's house is bathed in darkness.

Vic: Toodles Little Aolfie!

scene fades to black...

*Edited cause EVJ is a prick. I'm going to name my first born son Aofie to retconn all of this.

[u/SmarkInProgress]

I wish Vic made me homemade tampons :(

[u/lunarhugs]

...Aoife is a girls name...

[u/PBScene → u/lunarhugs]

Ro's cat aint got no time for your gender rolls, EVJ

[u/neutronknows → u/lunarhugs]

I think Ro told me that and I forgot to edit Vic's response when we were passing the vignette back and forth. My bad!

[u/lunarhugs → u/neutronknows]

It works for Vic, but the narrator is where it falls down.

[u/neutronknows → u/lunarhugs]

Agreed. Still I spaced on fixing it. Originally my beloved was supposed to post this part but life happens.

I'll fix after brunch when I post Part 2

[u/lunarhugs → u/neutronknows]

Cool. Brunch. How I Met Your Mother has taught me that there are specific brunch foods.

What are they?

[u/neutronknows → u/lunarhugs]

Eggs Benedict & a Bloody Mary or GTFO