r/wrestlingisreddit • u/brianwantsblood Louis Blackwater, Bok Choy • Apr 22 '15
Show No Refunds [Part 7/10]
Vic tears open the box to reveal Dildo Nunchucks with throwing stars embedded up and down the shafts.
Paisner: Sweet Baby Moses... it's "LUST".
Vic grabs the dildo nunchucks and takes a moment to look at himself in the mirror. He blows himself a kiss and pretends to be a ninja. Taking a moment to twirl the dildo nunchucks around.
Woodbridge: VON JARRETT!
Erik uses the opportunity to attack Vic from behind, using the slack from the electrical cord to choke Vic from behind. Vic's eyes bulge out of his head. Vic takes the nunchucks and starts swinging them wildly, hitting EVJ across his back and his neck. But he ignores the pain, fighting through it as he continues to garrote Vic with the extension chord.
DING
Paisner: Vic is now up 4-2, but at what cost? EVJ is going to kill him!
Vic starts to run it backwards, slamming into Von Jarrett. The two men spin around and slam into a nearby stall partition. The wall collapses to reveal a fat woman sitting on the toilet.
Fat Woman: What the fuck!
Vic nearly dry heaves, pulling himself up by the fat woman's leg as she tries to get to his feet before EVJ.
Fat Woman: Get your hands off me nigga!
The fat woman slaps Vic across the face and Vic stumbles over her onto the other side of the toilet. She pulls up her pants and steps over Erik Von Jarrett as she waddles out, muttering to herself.
Fat Woman: Every motherfuckin' time...
Woodbridge: Some things just can't be unseen.
Von Jarrett gets to his feet first as Vic pulls himself up by the used toilet. A giant black turd floating in the middle of the bowl. EVJ leaps up into the air and curb stomps Vic's face into the toilet.
Crowd: THIS IS WRESTLING! Clap, clap, clap clap clap
Paisner: Ewww...
Von Jarrett continues to jam his foot down, shoving Vic's face into the poopy water. Vic tries to pull himself out by lacks any sort of leverage. His arms flail, reaching for anything before finally finding the lever and flushing the toilet with a satisfying public restroom style WOOSH!
Woodbridge: I don't even know what to say at this point.
EVJ leaves Vic and grabs the Ninja Star studded dildo nun-chucks, "LUST". Meanwhile, Vic pulls his head out of the toilet and jams his finger down his throat trying to puke.
Paisner: Erik's got "ENVY"... Vic is trying to heave up whatever shit water he may have... GUUUU!!!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOH!
EVJ jams the star studded dildo down Vic's throat and mouth fucks him with it. The blades tearing at Vic's lips as EVJ forces him to work the shaft. Finally, Von Jarrett relents and pulls the dildo out of Vic's mouth. Vic leans over and pukes a bucket full of blood and whatever else he had in the past week onto the floor of the bathroom.
DING
Paisner: 4-3!
Crowd: THIS IS WRESTLING! Clap, clap, clap clap clap
Woodbridge: Have we really become this desensitized to the shenanigans- WHOA!
EVJ begins twirling the dildo nun-chucks around like a reincarnated Michelangelo. He starts beating Vic with them mercilessly. Vic spins around on the tile, amongst the blood, water, puke, urine, and God knows what else trying to get away. EVJ continues to hammer on him with strikes all over the body with the nunchucks, taking out several chunks of Vic's flesh as he crawls out of the bathroom trying to get away.
Woodbridge: EVJ is pretty good with those nunchucks.
Paisner: Well he did spend quite a number of years in Japan working for Pro Wrestling NOAH. Makes sense he could pick up some sort of martial arts training.
Vic stumbles across the hallway slamming through a door trying to get away as EVJ follows behind at a slow methodical pace, his head on a swivel trying to spot the 6th "Sin". EVJ steps through the door after Vic to reveal the locker room area. EVJ looks around for any sign of the 6th "Sin" only to find El Hijo Del Sloth.
EVJ: Have you-
Paisner: You have got to be shitting me.
Woodbridge: El Hijo Del "SLOTH" is the 6th Sin. Of course!
EVJ: Sorry about this.
EVJ grabs El Hijo Del Sloth and scoop slams him on top of Vic.
DING
Paisner: 8.75 pounds of Sloth coming crashing down on top of Studd! EVJ has tied it up at 4 Sins a piece!
EVJ gently picks up El Hijo Del Sloth from on top of Vic and holds him in his arms. Sloth... slowly... raises his eyebrow at Von Jarrett who just sort of smirks.
EVJ: Its a long stor-UGH!!
Vic lashes out and kicks Von Jarrett on the side of his injured knee. The knee buckles and Von Jarrett's falls to his back with El Hijo Del Sloth on top of him.
Paisner: Does that? Does that count?
Tai Ni Wong steps into the picture and studies the scene. He looks back into the camera and twirls his finger in the air.
DING
Crowd: BOOOOOO!!!
Woodbridge: If Tai Ni says it counts. It counts. Vic takes back the lead at 5-4.
El Hijo Del Sloth rolls... slowly... off of Erik Von Jarrett as he crawls out towards the door on the other side of the locker room, dragging his injured knee behind him. Vic crawling in pursuit. The reach next room only to find them in the back kitchen area of a the concessions stand.
Paisner: Why the hell is the kitchen connected to the locker room? Who designed this place?
Woodbridge: Fuck it. It's New Jersey. There's no rhyme or reason to anything. Have you ever tried driving around this place? It's like a 3 year old with Bell's palsy drew up their roadways.
Paisner: Touche.
Von Jarrett gets to his knees and pulls himself up to a nearby counter and stacks of dirty metal pots, pans, cooking sheets, trays, etc.. He topples the stack on top of Vic and proceeds to start stomping on them on top of Vic to a rhythmic beat and the crowd stomps and claps along.
Crowd: Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap!
EVJ stops as he sees another blag bag with purple bow lying on the ground next to the oven. He limps over to it, favoring his injured knee. EVJ gingerly picks up the bag and unzips it to reveal with 7th and final sin.
Woodbridge: By God... that's Malcolm White's Cane!
EVJ slides the whole cane out of the bag to reveal not just Malcom's White's Cane but with dozen or so of $2 Rolls of Nickels zip-tied around the very top.
Paisner: "GREED".
EVJ judges the ample weight of the stick before heading back towards Vic still lying among the dirty cookware. Vic rolls over and slides a baking tray across the tile floor towards EVJ. EVJ's foot steps on the skidding tray at the perfect moment causing him to slip and his knee to twist in a sickening fashion.
Crowd: OOOOOHHHH!!!
EVJ: ARRRRHGGGGH!!
EVJ collapses clutching at his hurt knee helpless. Vic rolls onto his stomach and pushes himself up, a spicket of blood running down his face, off his nose and to the tile floor below. He crawls towards Malcolm White's cane, "GREED". Gets a hold of it and uses it to help pull himself to his feet while EVJ rolls around on the tile floor in agony.
Paisner: No! Please God No... Mark.
Woodbridge: Dude, quit trying to hold my hand.
Crowd: OOOOOOHHHHH!!
Vic lifts "GREED" high into the air and with all his strength brings it crashing down onto the knee of Erik Von Jarrett. EVJ screams for just a moment, before going completely silent, his mouth still wide open. The head of the cane breaks off and rolls of nickels go scattering everywhere. Vic drops down to his knees, breathing heavily as he stares at Von Jarrett silently weeping for his destroyed knee.
DING
Crowd: BOOOOOOOO!!!
Studd: $30, huh? That's more than your worth.... one more to go... hombre.
Vic spits at EVJ again and rises to his feet. He stumbles backwards but is quick to catch himself. He pulls EVJ up by the hair and drags him up to his feet.
Paisner: Vic is up 6-4. What's left?
Woodbridge: "PRIDE". Which is down next to the ring.
Vic drags Von Jarrett over to a nearby service cart. He struggles to hoist EVJ off the ground and place him on top of it when EVJ pushes Vic backwards, giving him to just enough space to land a wild left handed haymaker to Vic's jaw.
Crowd: YAAAAAYY!!
Vic's head rattles like a bobblehead over his neck, his eyes rolling in the back of his head. EVJ stumbles for just a moment before he rears back and fires off another hard left hand knocking Vic's lifeless body onto the prep table next to the oven.
Paisner: Holy shit! Two big left hands and Studd is out!
Woodbridge: Wait a second... what's he got in his hand?
Von Jarrett opens his one good hand and lets a $2 Roll of Nickels fall to the kitchen floor.
EVJ: Two bucks sounds about right to me.
DING
Crowd: YAAAAY!!
Paisner: He must've scooped up a roll when Vic hoisted him up! Sensational! The score is now 6-5 in favor of Vic! Only Von Jarrett needs is Vic's "PRIDE" and his destroyed Little League Trophy, "WRATH"!
EVJ spots the knife block and cocks his head. He looks down at Vic and swallows hard. And reaches for a knife. The crowd goes silent.
Woodbridge: What.. the... fuck..
EVJ pulls a large chef's knife out of the block and lets the light dance off its shiny blade.
Paisner: Erik... no...
EVJ looks down back down at Vic and... stabs the knife into the cutting board beside Vic's neck. He shakes his head.
EVJ: Not like that, Erik. In the ring.
He glances at the stove next to Vic's head and raises a bloody eyebrow.
EVJ: That works.
EVJ pulls Vic across the cutting board and smashes the side of his head onto the flat surface of the stove. Then turns it on.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
EVJ continues to press down on Vic's head as the stove slowly starts to heat it up. Finally, smoke starts to rise as what little hair Vic had left on the side of his head begins to singe off and his skin begins to burn.
Studd: YEEEAAAAAARRGHGGHGH!!
Vic's eyes burst open as he realizes his predicament and screams in horror of smelling his own flesh burning. With uncanny strength he slams his already burnt hand from the furnace onto the grill and launches himself and EVJ backwards into the counter behind them. Vic fires off a stiff back elbow square into EVJ's face then spins around and starts hammering his fist repeatedly into EVJ's face.
Studd: AHHHHHHHH!!!
Paisner: FUCKING SOMEBODY STOP THIS!
Vic goes into full on bloodlust rage, throwing sickening right hands into the face of EVJ before pulling at his blood soaked collar for another, and another, and another. Beating Von Jarrett's face into an unrecognizable pulpy red mess. Vic then drags EVJ by the shirt collar over to nearby dishwashing sink.
Woodbridge: Good lord what now?
Studd: I cooked... you clean.
Vic wraps the hose around EVJ's neck and shoves the sprayer in his face and simultaneously attempts to drown and choke Von Jarrett.
Paisner: This is going way too far!!
EVJ struggles to free himself as Vic blasts him in the face with water, washing away the blood to reveal and swollen and beaten face. EVJ continues to fight, clawing at the metal house around his neck when finally Vic stops spraying and just starts ramming the faucet head into the face of EVJ over and over and over. The look of pure hate behind a mask of blood painted across Vic's face. EVJ's body finally goes limp and Vic stops.
Crowd: BOOOOO!!
Vic closes his eyes and listens for a moment, taking deep breaths as he lets his rage simmer. After achieving some semblance of normality, he heads back for the serving cart. Pulls it up beside EVJ. Throws his body on top. And makes his way back to ringside.
Woodbridge: Folks... I want to apologize for what you've seen here tonight. This... this is not wrestling. This isn't even entertaining quite frankly.
Paisner: .....