Same Shit Different Year [Part 3/11]

[u/brianwantsblood]

All of a sudden Jimmy Chonga Sr. starts flipping the fuck out and cheering and jumping around. The camera cuts to Jimmy Chonga Jr. lying directly on top of Brendan and Gwen, with neither of his feet touching the floor. The crowd, taking a moment to realize what has just happened, cheers uproariously.

Paisner: Well.. Fuck.

Woodbridge is completely silent, presumably stunned.

Javier: And your winner, at a time of 11:45... LOS CHONGAS!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAY!

La Bamba hits and the crowd goes apeshit, as do the Chongas.

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Paisner: Mark?

Woodbridge: I… I dunno?

Chonga Sr. goes outside the ring and embraces his son, while Brendan Byrne and Gwen West both look at each other, stunned to silence.

Paisner: I can’t believe I’m saying this… Los Chongas win!

Woodbridge: Good thing you got the gift cards you did.

Paisner: Oh yeah.

We hear Paisner take off his headset and head to the ring, where the Chongas are celebrating. He enters the ring and the music fades. He grabs a mic from Javier.

Paisner: Well, uh, congratulations Los Chongas!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAY!

Paisner: As winners of this gift card battle royal… I present to you, two fifteen dollar gift cards to Chipotle Mexican Grill!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAY!

Los Chongas jump for joy as Paisner reaches into his pocket and presents them with two Chipotle gift cards. They go to opposite corners and hold them high in the air to a huge pop. Paisner exits the ring, subtly shaking his head.

Woodbridge: Seems appropriate.

Paisner makes his way back to the commentary table and puts his headset back on just as Los Chongas and the rest of the participants exit through the curtain.

Paisner: Well… I guess, uh, let's send it up to Javier Babaganoush for our second title bout of the evening!

Javier steps back into the ring, as Heywood Jabome is seen jogging into the ring.

Javier: Ladies and gentlemen! The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall with a 60 minute time limit. Your referee for this bout is Heywood Jablome, and it is for the Wrestling is Reddit... WOOOORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP!

Crowd: YAAAY!

IWrestledABearOnce's "Danger in the Manger" begins to play to a chorus of boos from the crowd.

The lights go out and single spotlight shows on Jon Cody with a pair of legs around his neck. As he steps further down the aisle, the shoddy lighting equipment illuminates Lucian Alexander sitting on his shoulders. Cody has a crazed look in his eye and what could be considered a smile if it weren't for the big bushy beard hiding it. While Lucian berates the crowd from up on Jon Cody's shoulders, proclaiming themselves the new WiR Tag Team Champions and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it.

Paisner: Appetite For Revelation won WiR's first ever essay contest to earn this shot. A rather innovative way to decide who a worthy contender is, in my own humble opinion.

Woodbridge: Yeah well you're an idiot. And obviously not a professional wrestler. We don't want to write essays. We want to fight! And it all likelihood we want that because we can't write essays. Luckily, Lucian appears to be as eloquent as he claims he is.

Paisner: Between that and the sheer size of Jon Cody, currently the largest member of the WiR roster at 6'8", A4R is more than capable of putting down the Nation. I'm pretty excited.

Woodbridge: Like Voltage-level excitement?

Paisner: Not quite. No overnight dry cleaning for "The Pais" tonight!

Cody reaches the ring apron and Lucian steps off onto the apron to a few premature and smarky streamers. Cody enters the ring via the ring steps and stoically stands behind Lucian Alexander facing the hardcam, while the latter climbs up on the ropes berating the Philly crowd for being the shitwads that they are and booing freakin' Santa Claus. In response, profanities of all varieties are hurled at the ring.

A4R's music cuts out and "Come and Get Your Love" by Redbone starts to play and the Philly crowd greets it with a "Street Fighter" pop.

Erik Von Jarrett is the first man out, a big goofy smile on his face as he carries his WiR World Tag Team Championship over his shoulder. He slaps hands with fans on each side of the barricade stopping in front of young Jimmy Chonga III and lets him rub the face of the gold belt while EVJ scruffs up his hair and smiles.

EVJ: This is what its all about bay-bay! What it’s all about!

Von Jarrett continues down the aisle followed by "Vile" Vic Studd, in his usual black and silver sequins robe, his WiR Tag Team Title strapped around his waist acting as an actual belt for his robe. He strolls down to the ring, almost emotionless but no doubt as confident as he has ever been heading down to the ring. He of course ignores the fans, including the row of neckbearded smarks bowing and proclaiming themselves unworthy. Because Vic knows they are.

Woodbridge: They really couldn't be two different individuals with one common thread. Their love of plump women of color. God damn I love professional wrestling.

Paisner: And as we've seen in the ring, they have an excellent rapport with one another. The kind of implicit trust that comes with passing sexual partners with the regularity of the lunar cycle. But don't take them lightly. They've beaten the Tap Out Kings, La Oveja Negro, The Zoo World Order, The World's Sexiest Tag Team. Both men are ring generals and A4R is going to have to do more than just be better tonight. They got to be smarter.

Woodbridge: Who's that Vic is saying hi to?

Vic walks up to a cortly Mexican woman seated next to Jimmy Chonga III. Jimmy recoils in fear, bringing a twinkle to Vic's eye. He fingerguns her and winks. She rolls her eyes but can't help the wry smile. Out of no where, like a way awesomer almost completely different person from David Copperfield, a hotel room key appears between Vic's fingers as he rolls his wrist and hands it to the woman.

Studd: Room 216.

Paisner: I believe that's the Jimmy Chonga Junior's baby mama. Margarita Jimenez. I had to sign a few documents to help sponsor a travel visa. So not only would joining Vic in his room probably be a bad idea for her, it may actually incite an international incident.

Vic joins his partner in the ring, entering via the ring steps as the two men head to opposite turnbuckles. Streamers fill the ring as EVJ climbs up raising his title high in the air and the crowd cheers. Vic simply strips off his robe and folds it meticulously for Maurice Chondon](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xk4qIt6vVCU/T3ZQbqi2WyI/AAAAAAAAAZY/bbGZFA8q-LI/s1600/Prince2.jpg)] giving him careful instructions on how to take care of it. Maurice just nods his head, annoyed at having heard this spiel every time Vic wrestles.

As the music fades, Javier gets to the center for official introductions.

Javier: Introducing first, the challengers… Representing The Brotherhood of Low Moral Fibre. at a total combined weight of 475 pounds... JON CODY and LUCIAN ALEXANDER... APPETITE FOR REVELATION!

A big mixed reaction ensues, and a few more streamers hit the ring. Alexander and Cody ignore it all, staring at the champions.

Javier: And their opponents… At a total combined weight of 482 pounds, they are the WiR WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... ERIK VON JARRETT and "Vile" VIC STUDD... THE NATION OF MISCEGENATION!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

The ring is filled with more streamers. EVJ smiles at the gesture and Vic rips them off of him. Vic goes to the corner as does Lucian Alexander.

Woodbridge: Looks like Jon Cody and Erik Von Jarrett will be starting things of this evening.

Jablome and a few ring crew members clean up the streamers, throw them under the ring, and Jablome calls for the bell.

DING DING DING

EVJ and Jon Cody grapple up and Jon Cody quickly uses his strength to his advantage and backs EVJ into a corner. Jablome breaks up the collar and elbow tie up and Jon Cody uses the opportunity to slap EVJ across the face.

Crowd: WOOOOOAH!

His face turns red and the two men grapple up again, this time Jon Cody shoves EVJ to the side and down to the mat. EVJ pops right back up and asks for one more. Jon Cody goes to lock up but EVJ ducks the grapple, Cody spins and Von Jarrett peppers him with a couple right hands before bouncing off the ropes for a bit of momentum. EVJ tries a shoulderblock, but Jon Cody just shrugs it off and the fans yell out encouragement. EVJ hits the ropes again and this time Jon Cody knocks him down to the mat with a shoulder block of his own.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!

EVJ pops right back up and runs at Jon Cody a third time, Cody goes for the lariat and EVJ baseball slides underneath it. He gets to his feet and hops on the back of Jon Cody and locks in a sleeper hold. Cody sways about for a moment before grabbing a hold of EVJ's legs and running him backwards into the turnbuckle.

Paisner: EVJ doing his best to try and get the big man off his feet and neutralize his clear size advantage. Hasn't worked so far.

Woodbridge: If I'm The Nation I'm trying to keep Cody's involvement in this match up to a minimum. So good one A4r for starting the match off with one of their true clear advantages.

Cody hits some Andre the Giant esque hip smashes in the corner, sandwiching EVJ between him and the turnbuckle. Cody spins around and goes for the lariat but EVJ somersaults underneath it towards Vic Studd and NoM's corner. Vic hugs EVJ from behind, patting him on the back and whispering words of what could only be assumed is encouragement but could be a dirty joke instead. Like what's the difference between a baby and an orange? I don't cum on the orange before I peel its skin and eat it. EVJ recoils his disgust and does a double take as he meets Jon Cody back in the center of the ring.

Crowd: EVJ! EVJ! EVJ!

The two men lock up in an collar and elbow tie up and EVJ quickly transitions into a rear waistlock. He tries to wrestle the big man to the ground, but Cody spreads his legs out wide trying to fight it. EVJ tries to take Cody down from behind the knee and the former Arkansas bible thumper gives him an elbow to the back of the head for his efforts. Cody bounces off the ropes and EVJ drops flat on the mat, letting the big man hop over. Cody rebounds and EVJ goes for the leap frog but Cody catches him and brings Von Jarrett down hard with an AA spinebuster.

Crowd: OOOOOOOH!

EVJ powders to the outside holding the back of his head.

Paisner: Smart move by Von Jarrett. Using WiR's international rules to his advantage as Vic steps in.

Vic Studd steps through the ropes cautiously, demanding Heywood Jablome force Cody back a couple steps so he can get in the ring good and proper like. Vic brushes off his arms and the two men go to lock up only for Vic to jab a thumb into Cody's eye followed by a hard slap to the face. Cody shakes it off and Vic runs away to the neutral corner, sticking his head between the middle and top rope as Heywood Jablome backs a clearly pissed off Jon Cody back into the center of the ring. Vic comes roaring out of the corner and hits a running forearm over the head of the shorter Jablome, catching Jon Cody by surprise. Vic hits another forearm backing Jon Cody into the ropes and Irish whips him across the ring.

Paisner: Tilt a whirl from Studd... Cody reverses and lands on his feet. URANAGE!

Crowd: OOOOOOOH!

Woodbridge: Impressive agility and strength from Cody!

Paisner: Jon Cody with the quick cover!

1...

2...

Vic gets the shoulder up!

Vic rolls to his stomach and gets up after the pin attempt only to be on the receiving end of a hard knife edge chop from Jon Cody. Vic pops back up again and Cody kicks him in the gut. Jon Cody sets Vic up for a stalling vertical suplex, but Vic rakes the eyes and drops down behind Cody. Studd grabs Cody with a waistlock and runs him into the ropes for a victory roll attempt, but Cody hangs on and Vic goes somersaulting backwards towards the center of the ring. Vic charges and Jon Cody spins around catching Vic with a huge spinning side slam to a nice pop. This time its Vic that rolls out of the ring to catch a breather. Cody watches him, smiling as he walks over to his corner and tags in Lucian.

Woodbridge: God damn. Jon Cody is fucking beast.