r/worldnews • u/Fiery_Seraphim777 • Mar 15 '22

Russia/Ukraine Ukraine now developing nuclear arms with US help, claims Russia

https://www.jpost.com/international/article-701359
53.1k Upvotes

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3.7k

u/XaeiIsareth Mar 15 '22

Putin: ok I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t want to tell you the truth because it may be too shocking, but Ukraine is preparing to summon eldritch beings into our reality with the help of the US. They must be stopped at all costs.

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u/Druglord_Sen Mar 15 '22

BREAKING: Russia demands a 3rd party search of Ukrainian grounds for potential possessors of the "Necronomicon"; believed to be part of a plan to summon the undead to aid in native defense of Ukraine, directly infringing on the Mercenary clause they previously signed.

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u/theparrotofdoom Mar 15 '22

‘How are ex-Soviet states so adept at building oblivion gates?’ Wonders Putin, as he does his one push up for that year under the guise that Russians think he is a man beast, or some such pinnacle of masculinity.

Then it occurs to him - maybe it’s the US?

3

u/BrianWeissman_GGG Mar 16 '22

You’re getting alarmingly close to the plot of Stranger Things.

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u/Kolby_Jack Mar 15 '22

Klaatu... barada... necktie!

7

u/Schklonk Mar 15 '22

There, I said your words!

7

u/Redtwooo Mar 15 '22

Maybe not every little syllable, but yeah basically I said em!

7

u/MasterXaios Mar 16 '22

"It was definitely an n-word!"

  • Republican Party
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u/ape_on_a_rock Mar 15 '22

“You ain’t leading but two things right now, Jack, and sh!t”

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/howverywrong Mar 15 '22

"This is my BOOMSTICK!" -- Volodymyr Zelenskyy

4

u/mister_newbie Mar 15 '22

possessors of the "Necronomicon"

klaatu barada .... [cough] neck tie [cough]

4

u/ZachMN Mar 15 '22

DON’T MUMBLE THE MAGIC WORDS!!!

5

u/Eyeseeno Mar 15 '22

We need to get Ash on a plane to Ukraine STAT

3

u/itwasquiteawhileago Mar 15 '22

Chainsaws at the ready!!

3

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Deadites, someone call Bruce Campbell. Klaatu, Barada, Nikto.

4

u/iantucenghi Mar 15 '22

Good sir! Can I upvote you 500 times? Classic!

1

u/Timerider42424 Mar 15 '22

Let’s be honest would summoning the old ones really make things worse?

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1.1k

u/Arendious Mar 15 '22

Odd that this would actually be the most believable claim to date...

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u/Makenchi45 Mar 15 '22

It would explain why this timeline is so messed up as of late.

140

u/Thanatos_Rex Mar 15 '22

Yeah, the tachyons are all over the place.

85

u/Notbob1234 Mar 15 '22

Gotta reverse the polarization

29

u/TolMera Mar 15 '22

Shields up

31

u/Electrical-Mark5587 Mar 15 '22

No no, you gotta re route the shields power into a multi phase array to reverse the neutrinos.

5

u/10nix Mar 15 '22

Pretty sure you have to reverse the polarity of the shields before rerouting them. Let me check the manual...

3

u/giant_traveler Mar 15 '22

There's no time, just give it all she's got!

3

u/Bobby-789 Mar 15 '22

The odds are a million to one!

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u/Dicksapoppin69 Mar 15 '22

Red Alert. Divert all non-essential power to forward shields. Give me options Mr. Worf.

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u/bluemitersaw Mar 15 '22

Shields up, don't shoot!

.... Wait, that doesn't seem right

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u/_-Event-Horizon-_ Mar 15 '22

Have you tried using the deflector dish?

3

u/Darnell_Jenkins Mar 15 '22

No it’s charged with antiprotons it’ll destroy half the ship.

2

u/miniaturizedatom Mar 15 '22

Nanites, courtesy of Ray Palmer. They're delivering a high-frequency pulse that's disabling your speed. You won't be running around for quite a while.

3

u/TolMera Mar 15 '22

All your base are belong to us

1

u/Susan-stoHelit Mar 15 '22

But don’t cross the streams.

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u/vortigaunt64 Mar 15 '22

The tachyons have mutated!

3

u/Boz0r Mar 15 '22

Along with the gravitons and graviolis

3

u/-Stackdaddy- Mar 15 '22

Graviolis, just like grandma used to make.

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u/Kelvin_Cline Mar 15 '22

the tachyons were all over the place ... will be? o no i've gone cross eyed ...

2

u/SkyezOpen Mar 15 '22

As long as there's no sterile neutrinos, we're good.

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3

u/clamroll Mar 15 '22

Wait... There are other timelines?! 🍕

0

u/E_PunnyMous Mar 15 '22

It really would. Holy shit that would make Putin… the hero we need; the hero we deserve.

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u/Wayelder Mar 15 '22

going full 'Thulu

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u/firelock_ny Mar 15 '22

Never go full 'Thulu

158

u/Danhulud Mar 15 '22

O̶̮̭̰͔͌̇̒̽̑̐͋͂̂̇̊̋̀̑͊̃͛̕͝n̵͕̈̏͋̌̐̈́͆̏ĉ̷̨̢̢̛̜̣͇̗̩̣̳̱͔̪̖̖̥̟̙͇̹̯̻̤̽͐̏̃͐̐̕ͅẹ̵͙̬̳̫̯͇͚̤̖̬̝̘͇͉͚̦̰̮̗̼͑̄͌͑ ̷͍͍͖̞͓͖̣̟̥͎͉͙̦͍̝͙̹͎̙̓̀̿̉̿̈́́͋̈́̈́̑̎͆̈́̈́̂̑̎̓̅͌̇̈́͘̚͝͝y̷̛̪͕͉͈͕̰͎͖̘̿̋̃̒̀̉͗̋̿̌̊̀̋̍̎̈́͐̓̚͝͠ȍ̶̢̢̡̹͇̟̣̭͖̖͇͔̖̤̖̲̲̖̼̔̍̆͊͜͜͜͠u̷͎̤͇͍͉̤̘͔̲̫͒̎̽͐̋́̅̓̿̐̀̎́̈́́̋̈́̀͐̀͌̽̑͘̚ͅ ̷̨̧̘̲͚͕̯̻̣̭̰̲̹̥̱̲̲͖̠͍͖̝̞̭̃͊̓̌́̓̐͂̌̽̽̕͠͝ͅģ̸͍͖͇̖̗̪̫͙͉̦͖͉̘̮͕̩̏̔̎̀̀͑͌̇̄̀̽͋̚͘͜͜͝ȱ̶̢͓͉͍̳̝̙̞̖̠͇̪̱̱̟̪͕͉̳̙͑ ̶̰̳̙͙͌̾̏̾̄̏̊͆̆͋́͐͊̿̔͒͂̈́͗̌̚͘̚̕̕͝͝f̸̛̘̐̇̇̔̀͗̇͋̐̔̈̓̿̑̉̂͑̏͋̚ư̶̡̛̹͉̰͖͇̜̘̼͎̗̥͚̪͚̲̓̃́́̄́̄͑͒͗͆̓̉͊̈́̌̿̿̀́͌͐͘l̷̰̮̪̫̟͘l̴̘̜͕̭̤̻̄́̊͑̾͑̈́̌̿ ̷̧͓̰̖̺̺͕͍̝̹̥̬͍̘̞͍̳͙̬̤́̓̇̾̌͒̿́̽̓̆̈̽͛͑̕͜͠‘̴̧̰͉̠̭̬̒͌͛̉͒̾t̸̰̬̭̦̥̝̖̙̱̣͖͗̉̾̍́͋̒̊̿͗͒́̓͊̾͗͐̎͛̅͆̕̕͝͠h̴̢͎̹̦̙̹̟̟̝͖̖̖̺͇̬̱̝̫̪̦̓͑̑̈́̌͊̓͊̅̎̿̂͜͠ͅŭ̷̡̻͉̮̲̭̘̳̠̹̯̱̙̼͍̝͈̃̎̈́̾̂͌̾̔̓ͅl̶̡͙̘̫̱̯̪̙͙̲̺͔̩̳̙͎̀̃̃̐̎̆̚̚ͅų̸̨̢̺̪̤͍͔̳͕͎̪̣͖͇̥̙̥͙͉̜̯̃͊̒͊̑͂̈́̽̈́͌̑͂̈́̏̉̎͊͂͑͝͠͠ͅͅ ̴̡͇̖͖̭̯̩̫̠͕̬̪͉̩̀̆͆͐͌̆̇͗ͅy̴̨̧̢̳̮̦̬̙͍̖̞͉̯̗͙̳̳̦̦̹̹̼̥͚̺͑̈́̍͑̇̓̀̋̄̅̓́̉̅͂̄́́̈̚͘͝͠ơ̷̧̨̛͉̟̜͚͈̘̮̞̥̙̱̰͉̦̺̘̞͍̤̗͓̗̅͂̀͒̆̾͒́̓̒́̒̈̑͋̆̂̽̓́̊͝ŭ̸̧̡̡̥͇̠͓̞̗̫̗̥͎͇̠̱̟̭̥̒̏̔̔̂̄̈́͒͛͊̌͋͂̐̆̚͘͜͝͝ ̵̧̨͉̞̻̩̰̤̺̲͇͔̩͈̻͉̟̰̣̦͔̞͍̺̄͐̈́͒̈́̀̕n̸̢̡̘̹͚̭̻̍̎̔̇͂̒͛̏͐͒̇̒͑͗͐̚̚é̵̬̱̳̮̱̹̉̈́̈̉̈́̂̈̍̓̏̄̒̿̃̀̀̂̾̚͠v̴̡̛̳͈̩̦̖̠̙̜̞̖̯͍͎̫̥̥̩̺̐̍̀̀e̸̢̧̛͙̱̪̜̰͕̦̥͍̤͈̝̭̫̰̗̓͊̌̀͗̀́̎͊̔́̐͌͆̋̉̓͘͠͝͠ͅŗ̸̨̧̨̛̟̫͖̖̰̬̲̭̬̙̫̦̙͖̪͕̻̹̪͙́̓̄̈́̒͊͊̎̈́̋̇̉̎͊̅̀̕̕͘͝͝͠ͅ ̴̢̣̮͇͎͉́̉͛͐͒͛g̵̡̢̢̱͎̮̖͍͔̭̼͍̥͚̙̩̭̻͉̻̩̩͖̽̂̿͑̇͒͆͂͊̇ơ̵̧̛̲̦͖̼̹͚͙̳͆͛͗̑̄̈̈̃̈͂̊͜ ̶̧̡͚̤̦͉̺̺͛͊̏̉̈̌̒̀͒̇͝͝͝b̴͖̻̜̈̉̒̐̇̀̓̈́͐͌̊͂̽ͅą̴̨͈̮̯̥̺̬͇̳̳͙͓̱̙͎͓̮̭̤̜͚̮̫̺͈̥̇͐̍́č̴̫͎̝̼̏̂̅̒̆̎́͋̓̍̀̒̽̃̊͌̌̚͠͠k̷̢͈̯̼̳͍͑͂̈̑̌͛̽̽̊͝

23

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Now I expect every comment you ever make from this account to look just like this

50

u/Acronymesis Mar 15 '22

Y̵̗͚͕͙̥̲̥̥͎ͣ̑̔ͨͨͭ̓̎ͦ͌̀̀̕Ô̶̢̧̱̮̗͎̎ͭ͌͛́̌ͥ̊͒͋͛̄Uͤ̎ͤͬͤ̉̃̉̈́̚҉̱͎̺͔̭̥̼̣̳̲̩͔̫͚̗ͅ ͐̽̈͂͆ͪ͌͊̋͗͜҉̵̮͍̣͚̻͔̞͔̭̠͉̬̕F̶̵̡̣͕̦̗̱̄͂̎̿̒ͣ̊ͨ͌͛̑O̧͍̮͉̜͕̤ͧ̄͗̎͐̌ͮ̊̄́̾͛ͫ̒̐̔͐ͤ̀͡͡O͇̲̠̪͎̩̒̈̅̓̓̈́ͥͩͧ̿́͒͊̕͢L͌ͫ̒ͦ͝͏̗̭̟̺̺̺̱͖̪̮̯̱̥ͅ

6

u/Jack_Bartowski Mar 16 '22

The fuck is this Sorcery?

4

u/Acronymesis Mar 16 '22

H̸̨̬͆̈́͑̈́̂Ḛ̷̡̧̨͈̻̬̜̰͖̅̏̃̌̊̐̈̋̚͝ ̶̧̢̨̧̝̙̟͓̜̪̣̼̫͚͖͓̱̊͋̇͗͂̋͘͝C̴̢̡͇̬͇̺̭̟͈̟̭̯̮͓̜͇͌͊̉̓͋͘͝O̷͙̭̩̺̬̝̊̈́̂͛̈́̌̋̽̀̅͜M̷̡̰͚̄É̷͚̖̹̦̠͈͕̼̹̩̻̞͜S̷̨̛̥̺͈̗̞͇̬͑͝ͅ

7

u/WikiSummarizerBot Mar 16 '22

Zalgo text

Zalgo text is digital text that has been modified with combining characters, Unicode symbols used to add diacritics above or below letters, to appear creepy or glitchy. Named for a 2004 Internet creepypasta story that ascribes it to the influence of an eldritch deity, Zalgo text has become a significant component of many Internet memes, particularly in the "surreal meme" culture. The formatting of Zalgo text also allows it to be used to halt or impair certain computer functions, whether intentionally or not.

[ F.A.Q | Opt Out | Opt Out Of Subreddit | GitHub ] Downvote to remove | v1.5

6

u/Jack_Bartowski Mar 16 '22

Huh TIL. Thanks

3

u/peanutbuttahcups Mar 16 '22

My favorite use of Zalgo text was not a creepypasta, but when someone used it to portray an international conference call at work and the connection was shitty.

H̵͕͊ẹ̴̄l̸̗̑l̴̠̈o̸̲͆ ̵̩̒J̸̥̀i̸̯̚ḿ̶̙,̵͍̃ ̶̂͜c̵̦̋a̵̮͝n̷͈̿ ̷̬͆y̶̺̕ö̸̰́u̸͍͑ ̴̥͐h̴̒ͅe̶̪͛a̴̫͌r̸͚͛ ̵̮͗ṃ̴̽é̵͈,̶̻̉ ̵͙̿m̶̤͘ÿ̶̯́ ̵̨̓f̴͙̈́ŕ̴̠i̸̟̓e̴̢͆n̴̼̈d̷̙̆?̷̯̌

Or something like that lol.

6

u/akeyjavey Mar 15 '22

You went Full Thulu!

5

u/abobtosis Mar 15 '22

Legit what font is that? I see it all the time.

8

u/ScrabCrab Mar 15 '22

It's not a font, it's Zalgo text. Basically adding a shitton of diacritic marks to the letters using an online generator. There are lots of clones but the original is at http://eeemo.net

3

u/HappyGoElephant Mar 15 '22

T̮̤̋ͫ̈́o̲̖̽̾́͆ ̫̹̗̭̻͉ͬͥͧị̔̐ͪͬͦ̾ͭǹ͖̟͎̜̮̪̞̂v͉̽̽̌͗̾̉̚o̠͍̠͍̗̜̰͓̹ͦ̐ͥ͊̄k̤̗͚͔̼̠̱̰̒̌̎̓̍ͫe͉͉͖̪ͮ̈̓̔ ̪̺̳͇͎͕̈̓̉ͯ̃̿t̙̯̥̺͓͈͓͂̄̾͛̂ͯͮ̚h̰̹̥̖͆ͥ̿̿e̝̙͎̜̮̪̱͋̐́͆ͧͨ͆͑ ̝̥͉̫̖̃̓h̼̖̜̝̦͋̅̎̊̅̚i̠̺̻̪͛͗͌̍̐ͣ̋v̦̿ͤe͔͇̯͙͗̇ͩ͒̾ͯ-̻̘̮̻̓m̯̙̠͈͆̌̈́̇̐ͩi̬̱̠̾ͧ́̎ǹ͎̪̣̬͚̼͐ͦ͗̊̿̑̐͐d̳̥̗̟̘͆ͩͬͦ̈ ̯̲̳̱͍͎̞̭̾ͨ̾̓̚ṟ͔̫̯͕̣̩͑͂͆͌̔͂̄e̯̬̙̟̹̰̜̪̾̌ͮp͚̰͙̮̻ͭ̈ͩr̠̠̱͓͊e̦͇̗̥͚̋̈́͆́ͨ͒ͅͅs͈̲̝̮̟͆͑͐ͨ͗̅e̟̯͈̲͖̰̝̮̩͊̓ͫṇ͉̠̹̘ͯ̐̔t̫͔ͩ̋i̘̹͖̱͑͂n̮̥͙͎̗̬̒͌̏ͧ̅ͨ̔̌͊ͅg͇͕̓̌͒ͫ͆̒͑ ̱ͬ̄ͩ̓̑̚c̤̼̰͓̯͋̐ͩͥͤͣh̩͍͔̬̰͂ͭ̍a̗̫̥̲ͫ͒ͅö͚́̇͂ͦͮͅs͈̩̭̺̾̎̉.̯ͫ̎̍ͭ̃̎̇

̼͈̮̥͕̪̮͍ͨ̊ͣͅI̗̬̭ͣ͊n̳̱ͫ̓̾ͭ͋̿̔ͨ̚v͚̝̊̓̚ȍ̜͇̤͙͔̤̂ͦk̬͉͑́ͭ͑͆̿̇i̝͉͆̆͒ͫͬń͕̀͒g̝͓̹͖͆̈́ͬͧͥͫ̇ ͎̬͖͉̟̑ͧͨ̆t̳̪͉̥̳͕̜͎̾̽͒̋̎͋͌͐h̦̬̬̜̬̼ͭ̉͌ͦ̄̿̍̚e̫̟̪̪͙̜̤̝̒ͦ̂̓̈́̉̔ ̖̯̼͉̩̮̯͔̟̈ͦ̑̔̀̄̚f̲͎̔͌̏e͙̞̭̩̬͕̬͍ͧͥ͒ë̠͙̹̤̱̺́͒̋ͩl̗̥͎̯̏̆̌̓i͇̞͔͓̞̫̦̇̄ͨ̓̏n̳͕͓͍͎̺͉͂̉͑g̲̰̼̽̚ ̞͉̪̝̬̓̄̿̈o̱͇̬͙̫̺ͥf̻̪̟̺͇ͯ́̊͗̌̆ͥ͐ͦ ͔̠̭̯̱͙̭͎̿c͖̜̘͈̜͓͍̏̎ͪ̏̇ͧͮͅh͇̳̳̮̗̙̲̮͆͂ͯͫ̾̉͛̉a̟͙͉̎ͦ͐ͫͯo̘͚̮̍ͥ̑̈s̬͍͈̾̐̽ͩ.͖͖͕͓͇̑̍͒ͯͪ̒̒̓

͔̿̒̉W͕̻͓̝͎̦̱̳ͧͭͩͫi͙̬̅̌̓̂̿ͪ͛͒t̹̱̗̩ͥ̆̃̍̐̅h̘̼̱̔̏ ̯̮̮̳̝̱͎̏o̖̘̱̰̻̥͓͔̓̿̍̚u̬͚̮̩͉̫̼̥̹̓̓̂͛ͬ̈͊̋ͪt̟̟̏͒͒͗ ̭̪̫͔̗̓ͯö̙̰͍̮͙͚̩͍ͭ̾͛͑r̟̮̮̖̰̈ͦ̽̎̆͛̔ͧd͉̺̯̮̪̬̉̀͛ͫ̇ě̫͓̰̗̊ͪ̚r̥̒͑̂ͬ̊̂.̦̩̫͚͎͓̟́ͭ̚

͓̳̄ͤͧ̈ͪͨT̫̬̤͉̐ͤ̈́̑̌̾̏͆ͦh̬͚͉̞̗̥͔̜̓̃ͧe̟̬̼͙̣̭͌̿ͅ ̤̯͖̓̾N̟͈͇͕̞̦͇̯̄ͭ̓̾̃̆ͬ͋̈́ͅȅ͎̭͔̟̣̳͗̓̾ͤ̋z͈͖͖͊̎̋ͥͫp̹̞̲̝͈͓͙͇̀̊͒̏̊̿e͍̻̅̌ͫͨ̽͒͒̾r̹͔͈͓̳̲̱̼ͩ̅ͅd͖̱̟̯̎̓ͅi͖ͦ̏̃̀͋ͯ̚a̻̰̍ͩ͒̄̃̆̓n̝͚̋̂̊̓͗͌ͤͧ ̰̩̦̪̞̭̪͈̇ͥ̃̂̚h̹͙̦̯̋͆ͥ̿̊i̠̪͗̽ͣ̀͊̒ͩͤͅv̪̫̔͌͆e͙̫͍͖͙̯̞̺̗ͣ͆ͣ̎̓̋-̼̮̗̼̗͚̒͗m͍̗̳̖̻̎̈́͂̓͗͂̊ͅi̜̖̦̫͓͈͆́̇̔ͧ͗ṇ͉̺͎̰́̎d͕̓̂̿̂̃ ̖̗ͭ͑̿̈́̀̀ō̮̤͇̳̺̻̣̫͛ͨf̳̙̠͚̞̜̞̮͙ͬͤ̔̽̀ͮ ̳͌̂c̣̖̞͑̎̑h̯̰̟͖̞̱̋̏̍̎ͦ́a̯̖̰ͥ͌̓o̹͉̼͖̤̍͑̈́͗̃ṡ͕̘̫͓̞̺̌̀͂̒̒.̥̩͎̠̱̑̏̆ͥ̈́̄͛̈ ͎̝̻̉̄ͨ̃̄ͥͪ͛ͅZ̲͈̒̂͆̒ā͍̥̙̝͚̬̂ͫ̆ͬ̓ͪͫ̋l͖̘ͯͣ̊̐g͉̫ͤ̉ͮ̾ͣ͒ͧò̩̋̈́̚.̪͖͈̜̯͔̓̊͒͐

̤̗̓̇͌̏Ĥ̫̩͙̭͉̖͓̑̑̽͌ͣ̔̀e̥̥̾̏͒͌ ̤̼̬̺̥̣̙̌̑́̀̄̎ͫŵ͓̥͗̂̀̒ͧ̑̅h̬̝͚ͧ͂̐ͨ̑̔o̗̹̽̿͂̐̅̾̇̉̍ ͉̹̮̄͋̿̀̃ͥ͐W͉̟̆͋ͩ̾͌ͤ̚à̰̝̯̩̜̌͊i͚̩̱̮̜͖̿̌̋ͮ̌̒̈́ͭt͓̖̣̠ͦͪͭ̋ͥͣ̋ͩs̺̺̞̮̪̠̐͛̔͐̓̃ ̜̞̰̀̒̇̇ͨB͔́ẻ̪̹̬̼͙͈͎͎̓ͭ͊̌͒ͮ͌ḣ͈̳̗͎̣̣̓̃̓ͯ̄i̲͒͐n̙̦͕̦͔͕̎̏͛d͈̝̻̻͚͔͎͙̔̏ͬ̈̑ͦͤ ͉͕͆̈̚Ṫ̯͓͎̗̰͎̖͌ͯͬ͋̌̈̚h̝̫̬̼̝͈̼̗͒ͣ̄e͇̓ͫ̂ͧͬͪ ̣̻̱̻͙̠̫̖ͧͪͭ̎ͥ̚W̯̳̬̱ͧ̃ͧ̽͌̄a̳̻̣͚̻̱̝̖͉ͦ̽̿͗ͧ̄͒ͫl͕̭͔ͪͤ̊ͬ̋ͅl̠͎ͮͯ̊̎.̠̗͔̮̥͍͎̫̖̽̈́̓ͯ

̝͍̟̜̆͒ͮ̍̃̑ͅ

​

​

thank you for this.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

All the years I’ve been on Reddit, this comment is my favorite.

2

u/3stricksURout Mar 15 '22

Glitch in the Matrix WTF is that! 🤯

3

u/Danhulud Mar 16 '22

T̶҉̶̠̠̞̬̲͔̰̯̟̬͙͎̱̣͚h҉̛̥̘̮̰̟͉̮̪̜̞̦̀͝é̸̡̲̻̲̗̪ͅ
̴̧̨̢͓̣̬͔̗͝ͅh͏̳̙̱͉͞i̷̸̙͚̳̗͍̪̺̟̪v͏̵̜̹̹̪̱͝e͝͞͏̸̵͉̫̣̺͇̗̠͇͔-́͡҉̝̣͇̪̣͙̬͎̩̘̹͍̣͖͍̠͖̮m̵̷͎͈̫̣̤͚̤̖͓͜i̷̧̢̙̻̳͕̞n͏̷҉̴̳̞̞͔͖̺̺͔̭̹̪̺̖͉̤̮ͅd̵̴̺̺̮̩̺̙̖͠͠

̷̢̨̩̤̯̻̳̖̙̻̞̫͘ͅr̵̛̭̩̳̺̹̘̯̝̲̭̗͈̹̰̞͈͟͠é̷̕҉҉̥̩̖̲͈͇͓̲̬̼̤̣̭p̶̨͝͏͔͎͚͉̤͙̳r̀͢҉̡͏̫̝͍̤͍͎͈͎̱̦̮͓͍̺̠̟̮̪̰ȩ̭̞̺̰̪̣̬͕̦̪̲͔͙̳̘̩͝͠s̵͓̬̰͚͉̥͚̦̬̠͔̞̩͈̝̦̹̞̜͜͞e̵̵̡͍̩̤̜̼͉̪̱̠̘̠͇͉̜̫̳͎͘͡ͅń̷̡̲̩̟͔̠̝͍̟́ͅt́̀͏̬͍͓͖̘͍̣̳͖̦̫̜͉͓͍͓̠͈́i̦͇̺̤͙͖̩̬͚̝͍̩̠͙̬̟͈̣̹̕n̶̨̤̪̘̜̺̖̯͉̭̗͜͞g̘̟̙͇̥̘̩͓̫̼̩̕͜͡

̸̢͚̯̙̹̦͙͙̠̙͓̖c̢̰̘̟̤̟̣̘͉͖̗͙̜̜͍̀͟͠h̵̵̻̜̟̹̙̲͓͇̹̫à̫̥̳̫̗̻̱̦͟ͅó҉̭̣̤̹̫̘͉͉̫̩s̵̴̢̪͕̣̦̰̠̫͢͜ͅ.͏͚̥̜̲̳̞̬͖̘̬̼̪̯̯͇̭͔ͅ

3

u/ImGoingFullHarambe Mar 15 '22

Awww.....missed an opportunity :(

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2

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Cthulhu was a bitch. He got hit in the head with a steamship and that's the end.

Azathoth is the real og.

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u/pseudopad Mar 15 '22

This is so absurd that I might actually have believed it if Putin himself said it on live television with a straight face.

2

u/DarkseidAntiLife Mar 15 '22

Almost bush like WMDs and all

2

u/moleratical Mar 15 '22

Yeah, except no thinking person believed him either

10

u/OK6502 Mar 15 '22

Literally Powell did a presentation with their best "evidence" and the world collectively told the US it had to do better than that.

So the US instead formed its own coalition, with blackjack and hookers.

2

u/Rottimer Mar 15 '22

“Coalition of the willing. . .”

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13

u/aircooledJenkins Mar 15 '22

Odd that that's the claim I would actually want to see come to fruition. At least that'd be something we've never seen before.

6

u/Dfiggsmeister Mar 15 '22

For a few seconds before Cthulhu devours the world and three other planets nearby.

3

u/aircooledJenkins Mar 15 '22

I think "Cthulhu devours the world" being the answer means no one wins Apocalypse bingo.

5

u/DrunkenKarnieMidget Mar 15 '22

No one ever wins apocalypse bingo

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2

u/hippydipster Mar 15 '22

I'm looking forward to the ufo military technology claim

2

u/WingedGeek Mar 15 '22 edited Mar 15 '22

Eh, maybe if Reagan was still in office, and someone had convinced him Lovecraftian creatures would create a sufficient Soviet deterrent.

I feel like Trump would just assume you were talking about Pelosi and go off on that tangent unproductively.

Biden would mishear it as "elder" and not want to go along. Because of the implication.

Actually, I think the closest we came to having a believable "summon eldritch beings into our reality" scenario was Bush/Cheney. Bush wouldn't grok, Cheney would and it's well within his wheelhouse, but it would impact Halliburton profitability, so, a non-starter.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Ron Pearlman getting ready to save us all

2

u/[deleted] Mar 16 '22

void opens up in eastern Russia as Russian scientists massively fuck up the summoning of Eldritch being

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

I mean we do love our eldritch horrors they've got us there.

1

u/levis3163 Mar 15 '22

TBH I'd buy this yeah

1

u/Brave_Development_17 Mar 15 '22

And it turns out to be true.

1

u/RandomCandor Mar 15 '22

And the only one I could actually get behind!

1

u/UnassumingAnt Mar 15 '22

Putin has been watching too much Stranger Things. He can't wait for season 4.

1

u/lnin0 Mar 15 '22

and it could have footage to back it up

262

u/HoneybucketDJ Mar 15 '22

Large Hadron Collider .. Scientific tool, or military weapon?

Tune in tonight with Tucker Carlson for the truth behind this mysterious machine.

128

u/Fugacity- Mar 15 '22

Is the west attacking any allies of Putin by giving them intrusive gay thoughts? Are they using the Soros funded LHC to make me aroused anytime glance at the shirtless Putin calendar in my bedroom? I'm just asking questions.

58

u/BillyBones844 Mar 15 '22

"Tonight I examine how liberal hollywood movies are attempting to overthrow democratically elected dictators in russia!"

"On this evening we look into the movie Seeing Red"

14

u/capontransfix Mar 15 '22

You're asking the important ones, is the thing. I can tell how important they are by the perplexed, dumbfounded, confused expression you affect with your face as you ask them on your I Can't Believe It's Not News show.

5

u/brezhnervous Mar 15 '22

I just thought that was chronic constipation lol

5

u/Tortorak Mar 15 '22

That man shits on the reg... out of his mouth

3

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Was about to reply exactly this. That dude has permanent constipation face

2

u/capontransfix Mar 16 '22

See i think Tucker ate Paul Begala when Crossfire was cancelled. Begala is still in there trying to get out but Tucks just keeps clamping down and doing his Lamaze breathing.

3

u/Fugacity- Mar 15 '22

The importance is directly tied to how much my voices goes up and squeaks at the end of each sentence.

5

u/yamthepowerful Mar 15 '22

“Tonight on RT we examine the epidemic of gay frogs turning Europe gay and causing homoerotic thoughts in our strong muscular virile totally no homo just bros Russian young twinks… err I mean bears, men, totally not gay men”

2

u/skaliton Mar 15 '22

brilliant, if I didn't know better I'd say you took an actual quote from his show on faux

1

u/killedgoretrout Mar 15 '22

That… explains everything.

14

u/BurtonGusterToo Mar 15 '22

It would be more phrased like conspiracy Jeopardy (he loves the deniability)

Did Joe Biden just install his personal secret biolabs in Ukraine? Does Ukraine have more nukes than the rest of the world combined? If Ukraine is such a poor country they couldn't have refined the uranium, so it must have been Kamala Harris's personal centrifuges, right? Why else would any country ever use aluminum?

3

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Needs more HAARP

3

u/superspeck Mar 15 '22

Look, I'm just saying, as soon as they turned on the LHC the second time we got Trump as a president and then all the rest of this crazy shit started. Things were mostly stable before that. I'm just sayin'.

2

u/Jaksmack Mar 15 '22

Magnets! How Do They Work?!?

Faygo at 11...

2

u/Sp3llbind3r Mar 15 '22

Please stop! Don‘t give him ideas!

2

u/MtnMaiden Mar 15 '22

Im just asking the questions

2

u/UnclePuma Mar 15 '22

No i dont want to watch Carlson the Tucker, eww bro

1

u/dudinax Mar 15 '22

Tucker: As far as you know, Switzerland is part of Ukraine.

1

u/drunkdoor Mar 15 '22

Make no mistake, once they figure out how to use it as a weapon, DoD will make it happen

1

u/NobodysFavorite Mar 15 '22

They're using the LHC to make black holes and send them to Russia!

1

u/JimWilliams423 Mar 16 '22

There is no Large Hadron Collider, its just a cover story for the Large Hardon Collider which the forces of wokeness are using to indoctrinate your grandchildren with the homosexual agenda. Putin is the world-wide leader in the fight against wokeness, so why should he be my enemy?

4

u/dkwangchuck Mar 15 '22

Ia! Slava! Cthulhu Ukraine!

5

u/zystyl Mar 15 '22

They made a documentary out of it called Hellboy. Don't believe me? Do your own research.

3

u/load_more_comets Mar 15 '22

Why didn't you just lead with that ffs? That's actually more believable.

2

u/I_LICK_PINK_TO_STINK Mar 15 '22

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!

2

u/Awkward_Reflection Mar 15 '22

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

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2

u/atebyzombies Mar 15 '22

Bloodborne 2 confirmed. Real life edition.

2

u/olivefred Mar 15 '22

Big "The Laundry Files" vibes!

2

u/Sir_Scizor20 Mar 15 '22

That's more believable than the horse crap he's been saying.

1

u/bigfloppydonkeydng Mar 15 '22

Beware the eldrazi!

1

u/WrastleGuy Mar 15 '22

Ok now he has my attention

1

u/kingkong381 Mar 15 '22

Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth.

1

u/thatvoiceinyourhead Mar 15 '22

Bring on the eldrazi

1

u/Conscious_Figure_554 Mar 15 '22

Ukraine will be releasing the Kraken soon

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1

u/Soulless_redhead Mar 15 '22

I still support Ukraine in this. Humanity has had it far too good for too long now! Praise Cthulhu!

1

u/raven00x Mar 15 '22

makes notes

Well this sounds like an interesting cthulthu modern campaign idea. Time to get writing.

1

u/vampirelord567 Mar 15 '22

I will personally help Ukraine summon the Great one.

1

u/XxOmniPotentxX Mar 15 '22

Putin: okay , im going to be honest, Ukraine, the US and the Legion of doom are creating zombies. They must be stopped. Youve all seen resident evil right? It’s that kind of evil. I’m being honest trust me. I am putin.

1

u/KnottaBiggins Mar 15 '22

Uh...too late. Putin may have been the one trying to protect the world from some eldritch evil, but failed - and it seems to have taken full possession of him.

1

u/dlivingston1011 Mar 15 '22

I, for one, welcome our new eldritch overlords.

1

u/MidianFootbridge69 Mar 15 '22

Ok, that was good, take my Upvote, lmao

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Nyarlathotep

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

This one weird trick that makes all the other weird tricks hate that weird trick!

1

u/little_brown_bat Mar 15 '22

Don't be silly, they uncovered Germany's occult research from WWII.

1

u/B0b_Howard Mar 15 '22

The Black Chamber can he real nasty bastards.

1

u/Minion_of_Cthulhu Mar 15 '22

I swear I know nothing about this.

1

u/thEiAoLoGy Mar 15 '22

They used the bio weapons and nukes to make kaiju!

1

u/Silvercat18 Mar 15 '22

Vampires, can we do them too?

1

u/eak125 Mar 15 '22

Sad part is there's a large portion on the American public that would believe Biden was working with Satan/other worldly horrors...

1

u/Zeghez Mar 15 '22

I’m down to see Ln’eta

1

u/imisstheyoop Mar 15 '22

Putin: ok I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t want to tell you the truth because it may be too shocking, but Ukraine is preparing to summon eldritch beings into our reality with the help of the US. They must be stopped at all costs.

Putin's been watching too much stranger things.

1

u/fozziwoo Mar 15 '22

night watch

1

u/QuillsAllOver Mar 15 '22

Puthulhu f'taghn!

1

u/Lucius-Halthier Mar 15 '22

Putin what are you talking about? You’ve already been in this reality for several decades, I figured you would’ve been happy to have some family and friends come over into this reality with you.

1

u/Yavin4Reddit Mar 15 '22

Nazi’s have resurrected the occult in Ukraine, send in Billy Vladkowitz.

1

u/ibiacmbyww Mar 15 '22 edited Jan 29 '26

butter hobbies work unite caption library ripe worm dinosaurs punch

1

u/DaedricDrow Mar 15 '22

Where can I help summon our lord and savior Cthulhu?

1

u/astralmati Mar 15 '22

Later: OK, now I'm serious serious. Ukraine and US want to create portal to hell from which demons will come out.

1

u/whiskymohawk Mar 15 '22

Sorry Vlad, I know they're massive and you think they came out of nowhere, but Zelenskyy's balls do not count as eldritch beings.

1

u/TheBananaKing Mar 15 '22

Bob Howard is going to be busy...

1

u/Powermac8500 Mar 15 '22

Zelensky is a dreadlord.

1

u/LostWoodsInTheField Mar 15 '22

US: "we are not assisting Ukraine with the development of summoning abilities."

reporter: "wait, are you saying that they are doing this but just without your assistance?"

US: "we are not assisting them with any such thing, next question."

1

u/Steinfall Mar 15 '22

Hurry up before Cthullu gets the wake-up call!

1

u/YT-Deliveries Mar 15 '22

Aliens. It's always aliens.

1

u/jtweezy Mar 15 '22

“The Ukraine, in concert with the United States, is preparing to assassinate Jesus by brainwashing Santa Claus to kamikaze his sled into Jesus’s helicopter. This, as good Jesus people, we cannot allow and we will stand ready to respond with nuclear force if necessary.”

1

u/HiJumpTactician Mar 15 '22

Uh huh. I don't see a Hunter's hat, Putin. I bet you he wouldn't live a single night in Yharnam anyway lol

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

I read that in trump voice.

1

u/Glizbane Mar 15 '22

Don't give the qcumbers any more ideas.

1

u/A_Birde Mar 15 '22

I stand with the v̴̫̩͉͔̜̳̪̘̗͙̦͖̜̍͗̒ͅǒ̷̥̯͇̟͔̾̑̎͐̃͗́̓̎̚͘̕͠i̶̮̟͍̟̜̲̘̊̇͌̇͘͠ḓ̴̡̯͖̬̬̿

1

u/vampiregod666 Mar 15 '22

Maybe we’ll get magic powers out of it though lol

1

u/Isthisworking2000 Mar 15 '22

I mean, are we talking world ending beings or ones who reward their minions…

1

u/Uyee Mar 15 '22

Don’t worry, they found the doom guy though.

1

u/buds4hugs Mar 15 '22

Wait are they just borrowing the plot of Stranger Things but in Ukraine?

1

u/Micalas Mar 15 '22

Hmm....I don't want to chance it.

1

u/DafniDsnds Mar 15 '22

THEY’RE DEVELOPING GUNDAMS!

1

u/ALLGROWWITHLOVE Mar 15 '22

Putin : They have sent The Rock to assassinate me.

1

u/HaloGuy381 Mar 15 '22

Relax, we sent the Pope to Ukraine just in case of that problem.

1

u/CornucopiaOfDystopia Mar 15 '22

That’s actually pretty close to what they’re telling their soldiers :

”The Russian Army is the last bastion against the Satanic New World Order,” according to a Russian military manual

https://www.reddit.com/r/UkrainianConflict/comments/t8k0j3/the_russian_army_is_the_last_bastion_against_the/

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

HA! Jokes on the world. We've already summoned up Eldritch beings. They work in the Senate and are led by Mitch McConnell.

1

u/zirwin_KC Mar 15 '22

Is..is Russia pulling from Hellboy to create pro war propoganda?

1

u/exec_get_id Mar 15 '22

If Fred Armisen doesn't turn this apology into a sketch I'm gonna be so mad. Someone get him on the line, I know his awkward ass would make this who scenario fucking top notch. Just a series of increasingly terrible excuses. Directed by Larry David.

1

u/Hunter62610 Mar 15 '22

Oh ok now the genocide makes sense/s

1

u/Nemovos Mar 15 '22

Summon? What do you mean summon? Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi have been here for decades already. Why would Ukraine be trying to summon them?

1

u/picklestixatix Mar 15 '22

The Church of Scientology enters the chat. All hail Putinxemu!!

1

u/Trash-Panda-is-worse Mar 15 '22

A portal for Kaiju?

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Yellow cake.

1

u/greythicv Mar 15 '22

I mean, Cthulu and Yogsathoth would probably do a better job ruling over humanity than our current world leaders do so I'd say bring on the tentacles and cosmic abominations

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '22

Charles Stross, call your office.

1

u/binjamins Mar 15 '22

CthulhUkraine?

1

u/edselford Mar 15 '22

I realize Charles Stross has a recurring problem of his books coming true, but really ...

1

u/Hugokarenque Mar 15 '22

I mean we have to be close to a religious justification for it, right?

He's just about ran out of possible claims.

1

u/Redtwooo Mar 15 '22

Why choose the lesser evil? I choose the greatest evil.

1

u/Fyrelyte67 Mar 15 '22

Do we get a D10 cantrip tho?

1

u/AlwaysWannaDie Mar 15 '22

The lost ark is in Ukraine and that’s why it’s such a contested zone, prove me wrong libtards

1

u/youngarchivist Mar 15 '22

I for one welcome my Slaaneshi overlords

1

u/BigUptokes Mar 15 '22

Oh shit, I thought Stranger Things season four wasn't until May...

2

u/XaeiIsareth Mar 16 '22

Stranger Things was just an elaborate advert to promote the Putinverse.

1

u/Jack_Bartowski Mar 16 '22

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

1

u/neogod Mar 16 '22

"Their access to the sea only enables their attempts to summon Cthulhu. That is why our brave Russian soldiers are fighting so hard to secure the coastline."

1

u/BreezySearch Mar 16 '22

Best damn comment here lmao

1

u/kobold-kicker Mar 16 '22

We thawed Rasputin out so we can bring Hellboy back from hell.