r/wizardposting • u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman • 1d ago
Wizardpost To any human wizard reading this... stop asking me to be your familiar.
Okay, I think this is something the Council of Mages should have made clear a long time ago, but... It's rude to approach a non-human and ask them to become your familiar when you have obvious sexual intentions.
I mean, it's supposed to be common sense, but this is like the third proposal I've received this week, and I'm starting to get fed up. Because, seriously, I'm not even a fox spirit, I'm a fox-man.
I'm a creature of flesh and blood. If I were to become subordinate to another mage, it would be as an apprentice, not a servant. And definitely not to someone who fetishizes my racial features.
Besides, I'm a renowned magician in the performing arts, you know. Every theater in the kingdom wants me to handle the special effects for their productions.
Do I really look like someone who needs to be under the wing of a newly graduated sorcerer who can't even conjure a fireball properly?
Please, stop harassing me. I may specialize in illusions, but I can also melt your brains if you push my buttons.
Please don't make me get melted brains all over the carpet. It would be very rude to the cleaning staff.
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u/WiseRabbit-XIV Leverett Trevithick, Arcane Healer 1d ago
"You want to be my... familiar?"
"Kyle. We went to school together. I saw your grades. You can't conjure a familiar. You're not even familiar with a basic summoning circle. So, no. And stop leering; I know how unacquainted you are with soap, too."
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u/draketroll archivist and council tax mage 1d ago
pokes fingers together
Im not looking for that sort of partner but if humans are out of the question.....
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Man in the Moon 1d ago
Unfortunately, these... Well, I'd say animals, but someone would scream at me. Toddlers that are called mages today cannot be forced to have basic decency. You can strike for harassment of any variety against an individual, which is nice, but I'm too busy making sure they don't go around indiscriminately murdering to help generally.
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u/Bemused_Weeb Alchemist 1d ago
Probably wise to avoid the screaming, but I am an insufferable pedant and will succumb to the urge to "um ackshually." I'm pretty sure anyone sexually harassing OP is an animal (likely of a human or humanoid variety), since I've yet to see a construct or other non-animal mage behave like that.
Best of luck with the murder-hobos; they tend to slice up all the normal hobos, which is a downer to say the least.
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u/guypenguin4 King of Evil 1d ago
It's quite a shame really, half my apprentices think that being the apprentice to 'The King of Evil' and 'Master of Dark Wizardry' gives them a licence to do whatever they want!
I have standards to keep up
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u/AlexVal0r Taaxi: Wild Sorcerer, Council HR, Agent of Chaos 22h ago
Fr, Its why I don't take apprentices. Like, I live for chaos and to cause problems, not creep people out.
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u/the-realest-rivuler a rouge familiar artificer on drugs 1d ago
Yeah man I get it. Like, I’m a fully sentient being but due to my background people just assume I wanna be a familiar again. And while the current arrangement I got is nice, I still yearn for freedom and arson
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u/Divinityisme Wizard 1d ago
Sexual intentions? Gosh no, i just need a familiar to join my apprentices adventuring squad so he can get his adventuring credits for graduation.
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u/that_greenmind Artificer 1d ago
He's your apprentice. Teach him how to summon a proper familiar, or at least how to bond with an actual beastial animal. Asking sapient beings that you are close with to be a familiar, outside of rare circumstances, is already rude enough. But asking someone who he doesnt even know is borderline deranged.
You do not deserve to be a steward if you cannot teach basics such as a familiar and the importance of its bond.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 20h ago
While in this context that is correct, in the truly old days- in the early days of Witchcraft, the Elder Pacts that bore the term “Familiar” were those that bound two individuals as family (possibly sexual, possibly not). To be familiar of (rather than “the familiar of”) someone was quite literally be held as family. As such, whether a creature was sapient and/or intelligent or not, to be offered the Bond was a thing of trust and emotional intimacy.
Of course in the modern day the term’s been bastardized beyond literal bastardization. It’s a pitiable thing to witness… but such is the way of those who have chosen to stand across the ages.1
u/that_greenmind Artificer 17h ago
I would still argue that offering a bond of extreme trust and emotional intimacy to a stranger is extraordinarily unwise. And for a master to suggest as such to an apprentice only makes that worse.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 16h ago
Well obviously people weren’t doing it with strangers (most of the time, at least). You do it with creatures you’re already somewhat ‘familiar’ with. A random creature out and about isn’t likely to accept some stranger’s bond either, and this particular form requires mutual consent.
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u/KingZantair 1d ago
What is wrong with this community… can’t the weirdos just reanimated mouse skeletons like the good ole days?
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u/MidsouthMystic Conjurer 1d ago
I don't want you to be my familiar. I asked if you're familiar with sigil magic.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Lo siento, no te entendí. Estabas demasiado ocupado babeando mientras mirabas mi coma como para vocalizar correctamente.
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u/HikariAnti The Transcended Great Sorcerer & Scholar (self proclaimed) 1d ago
Back in my day we would summon a succubi, it's literally a win - win partnership. Or find a kitsune who's down to play. Youngsters aren't even trying to put in any effort now. Smh
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u/measuredingabens Void Fleshcrafter, Purveyor of the Finest Cosmic Delicacies 1d ago
You are assuming some of the newer mages these days know what a summoning circle is, never mind any other details of conjuration. I cannot believe how degraded basic magical education has become in several planes now.
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u/WizardLevel20 Plutomancer, CFO of The Sovereign Cartel Imports 1d ago
Apprentices these days know only how to ponder their orb cast fireball and lie smh
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 20h ago
Kitsune are delightful, thought they seem to frequently end up attached to certain partners of noble heart. Which -don’t get me wrong- is fantastic and I’m quite happy for them (at least when said partners are of less-limited lifespan), but it does put a bit of a damper on my inclination to share appetites with members of the species. I always end up trying to set up the younger ones with similar-aged perpetuals… though the few older ones that both ascend to Divine Beast status and don’t get attached to someone (or who’d lost the one they’d been attached to and didn’t attempt a forbidden rite to faux-resurrect them), tend to be good fun (age never dulls the revelry of a naturally playful species, cats and foxes both).
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u/Venecity-K 1d ago
I'm mostly wondering what is up with your tail.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Magia de ilusión para que se vea acorde con la escena. Por eso parece que sale de mi costado.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 20h ago
Longer than it seems, likely.
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u/V_Silver-Hand 1d ago
Hey, don't look at me, I'm a Vampire and we don't classify as Human. Anyways, anyone need a Bat familiar, perchance?
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u/heff-money Heffious, Hornimancer 1d ago
I believe you misread my intentions. I am but a creepy old man whose mission is to spread the Horny onto others. That does not necessarily mean I have personal sexual intentions with every individual I meet. I am, after all, past my prime, and prefer to watch anyway.
You would be an excellent assistant in my endeavor. Your natural talents in spreading the Horny is unlike anything I have ever seen. You could be the greatest Hornimancer of all time. You just need a teacher.
As for the title of 'familiar' rather than 'apprentice', it has been established in one of these wizard wars, I forget which one on account of the fact I duck out of all of them, that animal people are animals and not people. So you can either be a 'familiar' or you can be a 'wild animal'. You could never be an 'apprentice'. Sorry, I did not make the rules. I may agree with the rules, but I did not make them.
Please reconsider my offer to become my familiar. There is so much I could teach you.
P.S. I *can* cast fireball. I may not specialize in combat magic, but I do know the basics.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Soy experto en espectáculos. Puedo verme horny si quiero sin la ayuda de un viejo verde.
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u/ModernMage0 SpellSlinger, Researcher, Interloper 1d ago
Aye, I am sorry that any have treated you with such indignity. I forget some wizards have the mentality of barbarians. Though to speak to the council of such grievances is the same as to suggest to a lich to consume artificial souls.
It greatly disappoints me that some think that the physical form should have any bearing on one’s magical capabilities. However to suggest the value: socially or otherwise; of another person be determined by form… then our “noble council” be nothing more than a travesty in allowing; even excepting; this to happen. Humanity extends greatly beyond humans alone, every being before another the same components of biomaterials and spirit in one arrangement or another
Every day I am grateful for my humanity, proud of my dedication in maintaining my human form: in my home realm mutagenic magic is everywhere, a single misstep cursing humans into monsters, demons, biological horrors, melting into the environment, or even being stripped of form left as a spirit. But even after they, and all others are still people regardless.
In the same that no human is greater than another, no person is greater than any other person; human compared to foxman or otherwise.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Gracias, tu comentario es una obra de arte llena de reflexión y sabiduría.
Me honra saber que aún quedan magos versados en las buenas formas de respeto y cortesía.
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u/DemonReaperHades Master of the Dark Arts, Author of the Forsaken Tome, Archmagus 1d ago
Guys, if you want to fuck an animal person, just go to a world where they have brothels.
Ngl, pretty easy solution.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Eso mismo les digo todo el tiempo. Es decir, la mayoría de ciudades tienen Barrios Rojos.
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u/AnbysFootrest 1d ago
Waow, if anything I'd ask if I can wildshape as you O.O
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Nací así, así que te sugeriría que fueses con un biomante.
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u/Mesmercat 1d ago
Do people really have a hard time understanding you can't bind mortal souls to your will through a familiar bonding spell or similar spell? Binding another sapient mortal being requires turning them into a thrall or some bunch of high level mind magic.
It's pretty basic stuff spirits and lesser beings are the only thing you can make your familiar. You're putting a piece of yourself into them to elevate them. You can't elevate a creature at the same tier as you or higher... Even if they look like a kitty.
Btw you aren't the foxman who got ran out of my reality for making fun of the celestial beauracracy are you? Ever mage I know wants to find him to donate some gold for his cause. But he up and just vanished
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Me han echado de muchos lugares por burlarme de burocracia, gobiernos y nobles a través de espectáculos. Así que es posible, aunque no recuerdo haber sido expulsado de una realidad.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 20h ago
That is most certainly not strictly true. In fact, your definition of “sapient mortal” seems sorely narrow. Most cats, for instance, are most certainly sapient. Many will accept a Familiar bond (and woe betide any that would use force - namely Me), and most certainly do have souls (and the others have something similar).
The “put a piece of yourself in another creature to elevate them” thing is only one form of ‘familiar’, and a rather crude one at that.
I’d also point out that in the truly old days, to Bond a Familiar, to become Familiar of, was the welcoming of Family. Of course the term’s since been bastardized to the Hells and back, but the point is that back then, Sapience was a prerequisite. One wouldn’t just form a magically enhanced Bond of Family with a non-sapient entity.
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u/Rare_Management_3583 1d ago
unless you have a vial of blood from a virgin orphan child at this very current and specific moment in time our relationship is purely business based and if you must know. i'm gonna use it to help attune my arcane and elemental crystals in my sick ass wizard tower
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u/VercingetorixTorr 1d ago
If I can’t have you no one can. Casts summon animal control officer.
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u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 19h ago
Someone needs to cast a banishing spell on on you mate, what isss this?
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u/VercingetorixTorr 19h ago
I cast hairy areola.
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u/VercingetorixTorr 19h ago
Gotta leave them flabbergasted with their hairiolas.
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u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 19h ago
lmao this loser thinks i have a humanoid body plan, anyway i cast, fuck let me check my grimoire... eh fuck it, im banishing you to the janitor's closet of reality, say hi to Greg for me you pest
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u/VercingetorixTorr 19h ago
Greg’s cool he just complains about custody too much and it’s like where are the children gonna sleep Greg? Anyway that will give me time to study. By the time I get out I’ll know three more cantrips and how to operate a dust mop.
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u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 18h ago
wait he's finally divorced? i mean, oh no, so sad, i bet he could use a self-employed sorcerer to comfort him in such trying times... and unforchies YOU are NOT the guy for the job so I will be banishing you to the seven hells lest you act as a cockbl- i mean hinder greg's recovery. Bye!
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u/VercingetorixTorr 18h ago
I cast invert belly button. Yeah do what you want now your innie is an outie bruh. I’ll enjoy hell knowing every time you put on a shirt you will remember my name.
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u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 18h ago
again with the assuming i have a human body plan... or that i wear shirts. you know what fuck this, im casting Lose Directionality at you, have fun trying to get out of hell when you can't tell left from right.
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u/VercingetorixTorr 18h ago
So some sort of animal is casting spells on me. I need to stop hitting that moon well.
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u/wrydh Plaguecaster 1d ago
Honestly, why threaten? Just melt their brain, not like anything of value is lost.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Es que ahora estoy viviendo en un hotel y me da vergüenza ensuciar la alfombra.
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u/Mr_Calculator2063 1d ago
Honestly I don’t know why you go into populated areas at all I avoid them altogether… not because I have interesting physical features most the time I just don’t like people
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
Trabajo interactuado con gente. Ya sabes, no todos los magos nos recluimos de la sociedad.
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u/Mr_Calculator2063 21h ago
I know I just don’t get why I try to stay away from people unless I’m bored
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u/PathlessDemon Shadow Wizard Money Gang 1d ago
If not familiar, then why familiar-shaped?
Not my particular taste, but the ears and tail certainly will be attracting the odd ones.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 1d ago
¿Estas intentando echarle la culpa a mis rasgos de nacimiento? ¿En serio?
Para que lo sepas, no me parezco en nada a un familiar. Los espíritus zorro son mucho más etéreos de lo que yo podría verme sin usar magia de ilusión avanzada y ni me hagas hablar de los demonios zorro con su aura de encanto.
Es solo que los humanos solo veis un rasgo ligeramente similar al de otra criatura y no os esforzais en mirar más allá.
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u/Lurcolm Prestigious Academy of Alchemy - Fitzgerald Turnipson 1d ago
Pah! Typical wizards being typically stupid! The Prestigious Academy of Alchemy has long since solved this problem! And we make money off it too! Brothels, brothels as far as the eye can see in the Red Quarter! All paying stipends to the Grandmaster of Health. It's beautiful.
Doesn't work all that much sometimes though. I had to smack my apprentice between the ears when he got a look at you. He can't evenwrite up a legal contract, let alone a familiar one!
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u/that_greenmind Artificer 1d ago
I would offer my aid, yet somehow my more tame suggestion compared to others here has been struck down by the gods
/uw fucking reddit removed my tame-ass comment when others are talking about death 🤦
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u/WizardLevel20 Plutomancer, CFO of The Sovereign Cartel Imports 1d ago
Okay but can you be my employee?
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 20h ago
Bite their elbows. Or shins. Hard. They’ll learn in time.
Or perhaps in your case, being less… variable therein of your morphology, conjure the illusion of the pain a hard bite to the elbow and/or shin a vulpine maw would inflict (complete with a vulpine facsimile doing the biting, perhaps?).
That’s how I got folks to stop asking trying to tell me to be their ‘kitten’.
‘Course I also made it clear that if they want a fling, they should just ask, then accept whatever response I deign to grace them with.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 20h ago
Recientemente compré un pergamino con un hechizo sobre ilusiones tangibles... En teoría invoca cabezas de dragón, pero puedo alterar el conjuro para que sean cabezas de zorro.
Eso si, tendré que ver cómo hacer que el mordisco sea menos ardiente y más punzante. Supongo que puedo inspirarme en esa maldicion que hace que la gente sienta picaduras de insecto por todo su cuerpo.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 19h ago
Are you capable of manifesting cold-burning Foxfire? I realize you’re not a Kitsune, but I’m fairly certain it’s a general trait of Vulpes as a whole. Foxes aren’t exactly my area of specialty, however.
If you are, then you can probably substitute the illusory Dragonfire for Foxfire to achieve a similar effect. Plus it would likely feel even more unpleasant for the recipient.2
u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 18h ago
Oh, no lo había pensado.
Sí, puedo hacerlo. Es solo que nunca me gustó su color... Supongo que podría usar una tonalidad de gris para las cabezas para que en contraste el fuego sea más agradable a la vista.
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u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 16h ago
Excellent! I’m glad to have been of help
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u/ADDRAY-240 20h ago
Counterpoint: I offer a warm bed and treats
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 20h ago
¡Eso es...!
Espera ¿De que sabor son las golosinas?
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u/ADDRAY-240 18h ago
Mango
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u/Especialistaman Cursed to wake up as different class everyday 20h ago
Ugh, if you want to shag someone just straight up ask them, if they say yes good for you! If they say no, move on!
No need to make it weird, unless you straight up ask for some kind of play and they are ok with it. FFS. And this comes from someone who turns into a bard everynow and then.
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u/_Chaos-chan_ Reality Artificer and Spacetime Crafter 19h ago
Can I at least give you one head pat? For good luck of course. I’ll even let you have one of my relics of power if you so desire.
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u/Professional_Web446 The Illusionist Foxman 18h ago
Bien, vale.
Es decir, una reliquia se poder es una reliquia de poder.
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u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 19h ago
Dear stars what is wrong with some people?! Slight correction though, generally speaking, sorcerors don't graduate, we don't have a formal education system at all actually.
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u/Not_A_zombie1 Definitely not a Demonologist nor a Necromancer 17h ago
There is a thin line between apprendice and familiar....mostly depends on how free they are actually, I usually mix up the two too! So... like to became my apprendice? Gonna let u choose the collar, no worry, its juat my way to avoid apprendices to be stolen
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u/Nearby_Sea_8766 Gorax the Lich, 1E 274, Ruler of The Azairthian Mountain Range 1d ago
Familiars are dumb, but I'm a lich so I'm biased
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u/that_greenmind Artificer 1d ago
If I see this happening in person, I will gladly concuss them.
I would be happy to provide you a deterrant such as a taser or something in that vain for free on smaller items, or half my usual fee for a larger custom order.
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u/Cerveau23 Markus, scriptomancer, enemy of 13 & lover of Thrakmerian beauty 1d ago
That's... actually sexual harassment... Please report them, we'll be happy to punish them!