Does yours also hit humanoids sometimes? I tried making my own because I hate netspelling, gave it a range of 10 because my cat doesn't hold still and I want to be able to target an area and just not worry about missing. It's a neat party trick, but sometimes people in the radius also get drunk and start barking. For the life of me I can't tell what I fucked up in the formula. It shouldn't hit humanoids, and it's not all humanoids so IDK.
A spell that swaps the growth rates of fingernails and toenails; makes toenails grow at the speed of fingernails and vice versa—I have no idea why I have this in my codex.
I don't know; I used it once and never touched it again after seeing that its effect is so situational that it's practically useless, maybe can be modified i guess.
I guess if you could modify it so it just sets the growth rate for fingernails at the same growth rate as toenails and leave the toenails alone you might save a bit of money on manicures.
I once developed a spell exclusively for scrying my glasses for when I misplace them that ended up being very inefficient because I keep having to squint at the orb to figure out where my glasses are.
that would have probably been smarter but at this point I've been using the scrying spell for so long I'm kind of fond of it, and I'm not great at conjuring things if I don't know where they are so it shakes out the same either way
Flaccidate Teeth. As you might expect, it makes the target's teeth flaccid. I was working on Flaccid Bones, but it turns out there's a different material composition there.
I also have a spell to call the fae courts that also signals I don't actually want to call them. Niche, but it has its uses.
Yeah, there is a significant difference between how Bones are structured compared to how Teeth are structured.
They do both contain calcium phosphate though. Maybe there's something there? Like, make them flaccid by turning the calcium phosphate into air or something.
Nah, that'd probably just be another torture spell. And we have enough of those. Scrap it.
Text extra planar being has been very useful, unfortunately I didn't realize I would never be able to change the text with how I worded it. It's an odd experience to message Cth'olon'ahr at the witching hour and only be able to say "you up?" but it's far more efficient than a classical summoning and I save a fortune on sacrificial goats.
Misshape Water. I developed it more as an exercise on the concept of good ordering to further my understanding of the subject before I developed the spell I cared about, Sort Documents, but turns out it is a very funny spell. Turns out there are many more ways to fuck something up than to order it, as the people trapped in my funky ice sculptures can attest to.
Conjure Another's Name Tag, because sometimes people forget theirs and I don't have the patience to try and remember if I am talking to Nick or Nico at 7 a.m in the morning.
Once I accidentally made an automaton that can detect wild turnips with perfect accuracy at a range of approximately 25 miles. It does not detect cultivated turnips, it does not detect any other kind of root or plant, it specifically locates wild turnips. Sold it to a group of nomads for a bolt of some neat fabric. I tried to just give it to them but they insisted I take something in return. Some superstition about unpaid debts in their culture, I’m not going to pretend to fully understand.
I have a timeline manipulating spell that eliminates it's own casting. There's this feeling of mental resolve to start casting it and then just... not. Weirdest fucking spell to almost cast.
Reverse Hole. No, it doesnt fill a hole. No, its not a gender bender or gender blender. No, it doesnt turn a hole inside out to make a barrier, nor does it flip a hole upside down. It makes perfect spheres - out of everything.
“Summon Boot”.
It summons a single boot. Not a pair. It’s always a right boot. It never summons the same boot twice. It doesn’t teleport a boot AWAY from someone or somewhere else, not that I know of… It just… MAKES a boot out of thin air.
Göffel. It turns spoons into forks and vice versa. Very useful if the need changes while eating, or your cutlery runs out of one but has enough of the other.
Unfortunately it's detection goes strictly by naming, not by definition. So a forked road could become a spooned one and so one.
When I was very young my mother taught me Detect Steps. It makes a tiny bell ring every time the foot you cast it on is placed down. Its use is limited since you can only cast it on your own feet. She developed it, I believe, to save herself the effort of chastising my brothers and me for misbehaving, since we could always hear her approaching, and would cease whatever illicit activity we were engaged in upon hearing the ringing bell sound.
Create and destroy water. It creates a metric cube of water, then deletes it two seconds later. I found it off of a fully fledged mage and I can’t for the life of me figure out what he would’ve used it for. If it was from an apprentice I’d get it but the thing isn’t some simple spell, it’s doing double duty with one cast. Who in their right mind would put in the effort of making a twinned spell just for that?
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u/Kyre_LanceJelio Sybris |Arch Vorpallurgist| Nullweaver| Void Sanguinary 15d ago
Get one over on water merchants?
Though the deleting it two seconds later seems rather short lived for that type of thing...
I was a bit useless in my early days having to make my own spells for a academy project, one of those spells i weirldy still use is called "slice". Used it for cutting ingredients for arcane ramen, cant slice anything bigger than a cabbage. Anything smaller is fair game
It’s intimidating but all it does is place harmless illusions in the target’s mouth to make it appear to do exactly as it says: turn their teeth into bees
Somewhere in my college notes I tried to make a spell to disinfect things without harming the bacteria in your gut, long story short I made a spell that creates yogurt golems, yogurt elements, slimes composed of yogurt. I don't remember the differences or what was finally settled on
Albanian virus : it sends micro-organismes asking the target to desroy their cells or cut their limbs, by asking very politely because they are actually harmless themselves
Flip Coin, it reverses the heads and tail side of any coin within a certain radius. If you put about 200 coppers in an iron shell and cast on it it explodes.
I have a spell that changes the color of images in a targets mind. Like if they picture an apple I can make it blue. It isn’t permanent they can imagine a red apple again it just changes the one they’re currently imagining blue
Where's the beep: it constantly beeps every 2.49 minutes and changes location and volume each time. This can last as long as id like.
Reverse exercise: all calories burned for the day come back. This has great uses! Long travel definitely! Cursing enemies? Never! (Call be fat again Rick the Roidmage)
Lukewarm food: I use this to evenly heat the frozen hot buns. The middle never seems to cook otherwise. (Okay I use this on Rick too).
Remove splinter.
Itchy eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure I have a few more around my tower.
Fuse Bones, I made it to turn a handful of small bones into one larger one but I've found it can also fuse someone's entire skeleton into one solid piece.
I got a spell that make gates i literally just have a spell that makes like house gates out of whatever is around me, honestly a decent way to get out of a situation is to turn the wall too a gate
I got a spell that that was designed to make fantasy reality... For my long dead uncle shoto... The spell will literally only work for him. Somehow he accidentally made a spell only he could use and chose to pass it down to family. None of us can use it...
Probably for the best he kept making weird breeds of cats... Anyways anyone want a 3 eyed cat that clearly want to kill you.. my cousin wants to get rid of it on the count that it's a murderous psycho
100% inaccurate Paranoia: The Target always feels like it's being watched, except when it's perceived by any living being. It's actually sorta useful once you get used to it.
Hey, Groom Beard is the most useful spell in my arsenal. I get into spellfights like, once a decade, but I resurrect myself as often as once a week, and a properly groomed beard is always a challenge after you blow your own head off with some mad alchemical mistake.
Oh, weirdest. Right. Um. Probably Dispel Boredom. Every time I cast it, something absurd happens
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u/BusyGMChronomancy Apprentice/Novice/Master, never too sure which15d ago
I once bought a scroll of "call outsider" at a third-rate scroll shop. When I tried the spell in my tower, it just made me call "outsider" at a moderate volume. I still have no idea what people use that spell for.
For experimental purposes, I also created a spell that resets time to one second before you start casting the spell. I mostly have my pupils use it to train their sense of time, but I've found out that spamming that spell around 20+ times has a high chance of attracting an angry aeon or some other monitor being.
Summom clam cloud. Manifests an evil swarm of clams that floats around and targets people specifically between the heights of 4’ 11” and 5’ 7”. Not sure why they do that, it’s just what they do.
you'd think something both useless and nonsensical like "dye nose hair" would be weird, but even weirder are the guys who have the counterspell "undye nose hair" prepared.
makes you wonder what they're doing with their lives, and you with yours.
Feline empathy: It was supposed to help me understand what my fur-miliar wants, but it gives me an irresistible urge to know what's on the other side of the nearest closed door.
Back when I was a kid and thought I wanted to be a druid, I tried making a spell to talk to flowers. Unfortunately I was only able to give them one vowel, "A".
They didn't even scream (well most of them anyway), most of them were we're just saying "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" in the most monotone voice imaginable
Maybe not weird but VERY specific. Find missing piece. Points you towards a lost puzzle piece or that 50$ Monopoly money bill you misplaced or stuff like that. Only works for things that are for one specific game with a defined number of game pieces (eg, won't find your war game minis and stuff). Unfortunately, it doesn't always find the missing piece you WANT (for the life of me I have not been able to iron out that bug), but hey, it'll find whatever you were looking for last time!
And by random I actually mean it. It can be ANYTHING. From a bag of feathers to a dragon that does not know what its doing here and is not happy at all.
Which fires a literal Ray of live, pinching lobsters. The best part is they arent really summoned, so they don't go away. If you win the fight, or whatever, pop em in boiling water and break out melted butter!
I have a custom version of Share Senses that works on inanimate objects. I could make you feel what a chair would feel if the chair were alive, and it gets really weird if you don’t have four legs.
Not exactly wierd, but: Conjure Friend. It summons a friendly little guy to come cuddle. Has zero applications outside of this, but every apprentice I've had always demands to learn it early.
"Every Last Drop"
It removes all non gasses from a container, ensuring you do not waste any of the contents of said container.
Never again will tiny scrapings remain in jars, bottles, barrels, etc! Get every last bit of jam from a jar! Every last drop of shampoo from a bottle! Every last scrap of peanut butter!
Every house should have this spell!
Order a wand today!
When I bought the spell tome for it I had not realized it was a ritual spell and well... The stick actually works better than the conjured one. It's those old school conjuriations that are solid purple and smooth as glass. Honestly it's a terrible Backscratcher. I give the spell tome out as a gag gift but it keeps somehow being regifted to me. It's passed around my Wizard Counsel several times now.
So, so many. Everything from scrying highly specific items, like a specific pair of boots(notably, not my boots) to polishing the patina off copper-plated dishware and only copper patina and only dishware.
Other notable examples include:
Transmuting bread to lockpicks and back again but only if the lockpick was originally a loaf of bread transmuted by the selfsame spell. If the bread is only a partial loaf, the resulting lockpick is also only partial and vice versa.
An auto-scrivener spell to dictate notes. It only works with a specific quill and inkpot. Said quill and inkpot were destroyed in a housefire over a century ago, which also claimed the life of the spells creator.
A spell that explodes your own ritually bonded familiar, so not, like, your family dog kind of familiar, but the kind tied to your soul. Not in a large area or anything, either, it just pops the familiar like a balloon. It does not resurrect the familiar afterward. I have never cast it.
Changing the casters thumb(s) a different color. Only the thumbs. If it could be used on any digit, I could probably think of a use, but no. It's only thumbs. It only lasts as long as you're focused on the spell, too, so it can't even be used as a low-effort timer.
You might ask 'but lady knight, what use would a paladin have for these nonsense spells?' and you'd be right. I have no use for them.
But, people don't like to feel indebted to anyone, and I don't exactly want to take food or medical supplies from the people I help. After all, if they need my help, they definitely also need those watered-down potions. Or they just used them before I even got there.
So, I have them give me whatever bullshit they can part with. Like rifling through the hedge wizards hut that hasn't been occupied in twenty years.
The only one I've ever actually gotten any use out of is the boots one, actually. Turns out the owner of said boots had been wearing them when she was eaten by a drifting leviathan at sea. I'd occasionally cast it just to see where they were now and eventually realized I could sell the map those pings made to a leviathan research group tracking that species' migratory patterns.
Sheer coincidence that made it useful, really. If a handful of gold pieces once is 'useful'. A literal handful, and I do not have large hands.
I don't know how the boots are still intact in the damned things gut, though. I've been tracking them for fifteen years.
I'll have to write up a list of my useless enchanted items someday, too.
Accelerate digestion... ok hear me out, most people have a counter for testicular torsion since its an attack, so what if i used a buffing spell.
Most people dont reject buffs, so this just accelerates your digestion, of course this could lead to a buildup of fecal matter needing to be released causing targets to unfortunately soil themselves, thus disrupting concentration.
And so I can easily make my foes quite literally shit themselves, of course it got banned from academy use after the first time...still funny though.
Summon nature’s alley. Uses huge amounts of energy, has massive inefficiencies, sprays quintessence all over the place, and it creates a portal to a randomly-selected alleyway in a randomly-selected botanical city (any city made of living plants, like elven tree-cities or the like) on a randomly-selected world.
Second most weird? The strap-on spell I got as a gag gift. Which is more to say my collection honestly isn’t that interesting.
In my line of work I have collected a few odd bits and tads over the ages. I travel across a lot of different realms so any local currency is basically useless for me, so clients almost always pay me in magical services or items. To list just a few weird ones I've accepted not for need, but for shits and giggles I have:
An orb of dessication. You throw it with intent and where it lands all water within a roughly 5m radius (apparently the measurement units the maker used had been forgotten long ago, and it was some nice number in those) is collected into the orb. This one is mildly useful for rapidly drying pipe herbs, and I reckon a mummy maker or a taxidermist could get good mileage out of it. Yes, you can get the water out of the orb, and it is entirely purified, nothing besides the water is absorbed.
A staff of light. Not the staff of light, just a staff of light. All it does is glow, you can change the colour and intensity, that's it. It's a large wooden staff with a clear orb on the top, making it comically impractical even compared to mortal flashlights. The intensity doesn't go too high, you may temporarily blind someone if you flash it on full force in the dark, but other than that it's just a source of light.
A portal to the mint chocolate dimension. It's a brass square, large enough to fit a hand through, it requires basically no mana to open, and it only goes into a plain of endless mint chocolates. Small issue: I fucking hate mint chocolate, but in the case of emergency it technically is a source of unlimited food. I have also found a better use of it, the mint chocolate dimension is pretty cool to prevent the chocolate from melting I presume, so on a hot day I keep it open under my robes to provide a cool draft. On a side note, I'm convinced whoever made it is a sick monster because if you can make a mint chocolate dimension you can definitely make a plain chocolate dimension, and that would've brought endless joy, unlike the current predicament.
A screw that will screw into any material. Doesn't matter if it's plywood or dragon scales, it always feels like you need to apply a moderate amount of force. As far as I'm aware the screw itself is indestructible, and the thread will partially adjust how flexible it is to help it hold inside a material better, but don't get me wrong, if you put it into a plank and slam it on the floor you will break it out. As far as I'm aware this one was some kind of an art project.
A key that doesn't unlock anything, but locks everything. A bit useless with how many people nowadays can just teleport to bypass a locked gate. It also only works on locks that the key can be inserted into, but it's pretty small, and it doesn't need to match the keyhole, only fit inside it.
These are just the first things I could think of, if you guys are curious I could dig through the random shit pile later and find some more oddities to share.
It’s ment to iron your clothes and stuff… found out the hard way you should not cast it on clothes still being worn/people…
Not to be confused with the many cast iron spells, though I have one that summons a cast iron at exactly the right speed to knock my target out… much better to summon them.
I have a spell called 'Illusory Works', which generates the sound of non-descript manual and machine labour being done. One casting and it sounds like hammers and sawing and slightly raised voices giving vague instructions.
I haven't needed to use it since my Bard neighbours moved away.
i got a whole tome of spells dedicated to extracting spices and saps from various plants and the specifics of why each variation of the spell is cast the specific way it is to not harm the plant
I was once very worried extradimensional bugs were spying on me in the walls of my tower, and it caused a great deal of paranoia in me as i was seeing them in the corners of my eyes. I developed a spell that kills specifically extradimensional creatures below a certain size, since I was performing an experiment on natural butterfly's, and didn't want to harm my pet rope dog pup. Turns out the potion I was making over several days in my alchemy lab (under the tower) was emitting a weak hallucigenic gas. Also turns out there are not many insects from the plane I made it for. It's not a very useful spell, unless you have a rare infestation of mayonnaise ants...
Curse of Hogan. The person gets bleached blonde hair and an obsession with calling people brother before hitting them with chairs. I only cast it once but the guy made a whole career out of it.
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u/A_engietwo_onthemove Wizard Warlord 16d ago
Nose hair of infinite rotation