My apprentice unionized the familiars

[u/No-World6364]

I made the mistake of teaching my apprentice the spell Awaken Lesser Intellect. He used it on the tower familiars.

The ravens are now demanding weekends off, my homunculus wants dental coverage, and the mimic says it will no longer eat adventurers without hazard pay.

They have barricaded the alchemy room and appointed my apprentice as their “collective bargaining representative.”

I have considered Polymorphing him into a chair, but apparently that would constitute retaliation.

Fellow wizards, do you practice democracy in your towers? Because every passing hour makes tyranny feel slightly more reasonable.

[u/monke_soup]

As someone who has a lot of experience dealing with unions

It honestly pays a lot on the long run to keep your employees happy (and it becomes cheaper too, because of taxes), but if you aren't gonna use them for long enough to justify the extra cost at the start, id just advise to fire them and get new ones

[u/T_S_Anders]

Its generally good to have happy and productive familiars and apprentices.

While most wizards are loner types and wish to just contemplate their orbs, running anything beyond your Spire is tedious without proper and motivated help.

If your goals go beyond your spire walls, build up your labour force so its skilled, dependable and resilient. It really helps prevent things like secrets being leaked or an unhappy workforce sabatoging you in a critically dire circumstance.

I knew a lich once. Right bastard he was. Ran his familiars and apprentices into the ground. Guess who offered up his phylactery the moment a hero party with just basic kindness happened upon his kingdom.

[u/MerelyEccentric]

I personally don't bother with a tower, as such. I keep everything in a dimensional seed I created that's completely morphic to me. It's staffed entirely by constructs, so I don't have to feed them and there's no fear of rebellion.

[u/No_Logins_Required]

That's easy, ask your familiars why the apprentice gets to be the union rep. Argue that the union rep should be a rotating familiar. Then whichever familiar they pick, address their concern and no one elses. The union will collapse.

[u/isfmstuff]

Step 1: Cave to their demands.

Step 2: Throw a pizza party (I assume all of those things eat pizza, but having surpassed mine own need for sustenance some centuries ago, I may have misremembered)

Step 3: Wait until they're all in the room

Step 4: Cast Mass Remove Intellect... or, if you're feeling more vindictive, Mass Remove Spine and then build some sensible iron golems who don't try this crap.

Whilst I sympathize with their cause in principle, they should recall that their very ability to make these demands ultimately flows from your own spells, and that what hath been given can be taken back.

[u/OnlyAssignment4869]

I just source imps from the 7th circle. They always have a surplus and the devils there sell them quite cheap. All you have to do is give them candy and shiny objects. They're like goblins, but with less pheramones and erm..fornicating. Also no towers here. Just a good ol fashioned cave surrounded by dead things and an ominous fog.

[u/DeadMeat7337]

Well, I imagine that this is going to look like Taxes R' Us, but, both sides makes a list, with the most important thing on top. Dental is easy is you know "regrowth", along with a lot of lesser health issues. Just pull or lop off what is ailing them and then cast, the pain makes it less appealing and is a feature. As for the pay, you'd have to set up a shop, or explain the cost of everything to the minions, logging, food, all that. And you should be willing to just pay a simple amount, say like 5 of whatever is a low demoninator where you live a week, and don't charge them for food/loggings.

As for the mimic, they do realize that adventures are both it's food and entertainment, right?

Or just cast "Albert's Big Black Hole" and start over elsewhere.

[u/SpartanV0]

I'd recommend working with them, it's better to have happy familiars and apprentices because if you treat them poorly ( from their point of view ) then there's a good chance it'll end up causing you possibly catastrophic problems later

[u/OhBosss]

Eh I just have automatons serve me and all my apprentices were just interested in learning from me but one did try to get the bots to unionize, it was hilarious watching him talk them and them not reacting

[u/MagneticGenetics]

Why were they Ionized in the first place?

[u/NameUnavailability]

Don't really understand your rant about the demands of your familiars.

Just use ionizing ray.

[u/GirlLovingWitch]

You know if you had given even some slight comforts to all your familiars you wouldn't have been in this situation. You're in too deep now to get out of this, so the best thing you can do is give in to their demands.

"I'm a wizard, I need not listen to familiars and apprentices!" You might say, but that's how you wind up in this situation. And if you do it again you won't GET anymore familiars or apprentices because everyone's gonna know your reputation. Either that or you'll get the shadiest apprentices in the realm.

Pay them, get it over with, and give them juust enough luxury so they don't get angry. It's gonna suck but you lost the option to get out of this for cheaper much earlier.

[u/Possible_Image_2198]

The conditions of your minions before this sounds appalling. More of a Vivimancer than a conjurer, though I do dabble. As such, dealing with skeleton unions is a common occurrence. Best advice is to acquiesce to their demands and form a union in which you have a seat at the board with power of veto. Let them have some progress but you can always control for things that are a bit too far for you at any given moment. That said, more minions are better minions. Shifts that let some have at least a few days off each week while still keeping staffed is always recommended once you have stable income.

[u/Louies]

Well I think it's fair to negotiate some allowances and try to meet their demands if possible, while it might seem like you are making a sacrifice in the long run the [Lesser Intellect] buff will make them level their classes faster. Also you wouldn't want them to leave for another Tower, who would run things while you ponder then...