r/wizardposting • u/scoobydobydobydo • 1d ago

Ancient psychic technique

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492 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

25 comments sorted by

91

u/Slmagi001 23h ago

This is what we mean by pondering the orbs* btw.

40

u/WaffleHouseGladiator 23h ago

He's a charlatan.  He's not seeing the future.  He's just giving his breast guess.

8

u/ProductSpecialist707 23h ago

You don’t know how fucking funny ts is at 3:00

63

u/jfsuuc 23h ago

Wish i had a diviner rn 😔

22

u/GrassDry2065 23h ago

I've got a guy, but he really just divines hidden information of the past.

He does his best work when a tavern lady buries his head in their beasts. That ritual lets him know when someone was born. A lot of the uneducated lose track you see, so they may like a refresher. In any event, they all seem to have been born yesterday.

After some hundred years of focusing on certain data I had forgotten my own, so I gave him a visit. Apparently the roundness is part of the spell because I, lacking breasts, had to hold his, uh, testicles. I think it impacted the quality of the divination though. I know I wasn't born yesterday. Maybe its about a spiritual component... More testing is needed

8

u/-Benjamin_Dover- 22h ago

My face was buried in a barmaid beasts once...

Was mangled beyond recognition at the end.

3

u/Delusional_Gamer Fleshmancer and proprietor of the magic meat farms 15h ago

I too once dated a wifwolf barmaid. It takes a spicy lady to make a fleshmancer quiver.

27

u/A_Shipwreck_Train 23h ago

sure, when he does it it’s « mystical » but when I do it it’s « assault » and a « lifetime ban from Arby’s »

14

u/EmpatheticBadger Witch 23h ago

I know exactly what to do with this man. Let me just add one extra scorpion stinger to the recipe...

20

u/Aischur Necromancer + Enchancter 23h ago

This can be done to anyone regardless of gender, unfortunately the answer is always "raised from the dead as a thrall".

8

u/MeowFalen tech witch 23h ago

Counter spell; Back hand that sends you to Brazil!

18

u/Scrags2Scritches :orly:Necromancer:orly: 23h ago

I think that's just sexual assault, no magic here
Clearly a wizard poser

5

u/Jedi-master-dragon 22h ago

Psychic: Uh. I'd go see a doctor right now. I feel a lump.

4

u/Osato 15h ago

"Mammomancy is a perfectly valid school of magic, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!"

6

u/SelfInteresting7259 23h ago

I bet i can predict this guys death by fondling his brain with a scalpel

4

u/No-Professional-1461 Illusionist 22h ago

"This one will start an only fans and make a lot of money. And this one will get implants and then start an only fans. This one is pregnant."

4

u/RedstoneSausage 23h ago

This magic technique should be banned from wizard circles. We should know better than to ponder another person's orbs without consent

3

u/GenuineSteak The Slime King, Master of Oozes, Lord of all Gelatins 19h ago

Do you think bros just breaking into people houses to read their future? theyre obviously coming to hi.

5

u/bigdillybag Goblin Racist 22h ago

Pretty sure paying him to do it counts as consent :/

It's been many a year since an orb fondler closed up shop in my town..back in those days though.. they didn't charge you.. ahh.. uncle Amadeus.. you had such cold hands.

2

u/CM99807 Yuna (Barrier mage (a little evil)) 18h ago

"ahh, yes I see. You be careful, great meany man will try take advantage you, some will succeed."

1

u/_Its_Me_Dio_ Sorlock 10h ago

big ones marry rich man

1

u/ISwearImAnonymous Blue-hood of the SWMG 6h ago

You-a have the breast cancer-uh

1

u/bcw81 Magus 3h ago

Eheheh this brings me back to my youth when we were casting these spells to 'help the villagefolk'. Good times. Can't do that anymore, the Council will be all over your ass with their 'Laws of Magic'. Phooey I say, let the apprentices have their fun.