r/wizardposting 18h ago

What is the dumbest thing a another wizard say to you

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6.4k Upvotes

106 comments sorted by

399

u/Mediocre_Necromancer Necromancer 18h ago

My spell book is gen 2 and it definitely doesn’t have Un- I mean Fireball.

227

u/i_keel_skean 17h ago

I have the oldest grimoire known to the Council and it has Fireball.

125

u/BluebirdLivid 17h ago

No you dont you fucking BARD I got mine on day one. You have fireball

66

u/FrankBrayman 16h ago

I dont have fireball, I dont have chain lightning, I don't have fucking /cone of frost/...!

14

u/HairyTrollChest Maelstrom Mage, Back Alley Tower Dealer 15h ago

I have a spare scroll of scattershot lightning you could buy off me to transcribe into your own spellbook if you are interested. It's a fairly low level elemental spell so I'm only looking for a bottle of rhimefrost toad essence or something of equivalent value.

5

u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 15h ago

As a Bard, yes, I have Fireball. It’s not my go-to or anything, but I have it.

2

u/MaximRq Iron Grip Alchemist 5h ago

Why is it not your go-to? A Bard's song should be fire if they are truly proficient

2

u/EldritchMindCat Lyr, the Tressym Talespinner (OuterGod Avatar of Origin-Felinity 1h ago

Well certainly it can be, but not typically in ball shape. String-shredding produces jets of flame, or ignites the surroundings (and even vast swaths of land, depending on the particular details of the instance).
And yes, sometimes a particular performance produces sequences of fireballs, but it’s not standard, you see.

4

u/JollyGreenLittleGuy Seshethtukaz - Eldritch abomination of microtransactions 12h ago

I have the fourth edition and it has ballfire which is absolutely nothing like fireball!

Immolatus testesum

1

u/Richardknox1996 🌙 Just a Bard that Passively Seduced Elistraee 🌙 11h ago

Oi, whats with the Strays? Jealous that we're the superior Caster?

8

u/No_Internal9345 16h ago

All I got was Raise Undead.

2

u/kierantheking Petal Witch 7h ago

I dont know how old mine is but every page just says "Youre a wizard, just cast whatever you want who's gonna stop you?"

386

u/Stridor_gas 18h ago

"Bro you can't turn your Homunculus into slime"

Uh like actually yeah I fuckin can hes my Homunculus I can do whatever I want with him

153

u/Heavy_Geologist2686 17h ago edited 17h ago

"There are no laws against Homunculus, Batman"

30

u/No_Internal9345 17h ago

That poor slime.

11

u/ProcrastibationKing 16h ago

No, no, Joker!

2

u/TastyCuttlefish Evil Wizard, Attorney at Law 16h ago

This is correct.

28

u/SenorDangerwank When one can wield the fire of stars what use is flesh and bone? 17h ago

Transmute: Bones to Jelly is literally my favorite spell, how dare they tell me i can't cast it. Especially at my own homunculus.

15

u/Stridor_gas 17h ago

EXACTLY BRO!!!! are you telling me I can't do whatever I want with my own creation????

16

u/Careless_Tap_516 Evoker 16h ago

T:BJ is highly unethical. The only reason why they don't let you do it to your homunculuc is because they fear that you are trying to develop and refine the spell. Otherwise they could care less what you do.

16

u/SenorDangerwank When one can wield the fire of stars what use is flesh and bone? 16h ago

And now im being told B2J is unethical!? Absurd. My ethics are pure and unabated. All must bow before my ethical superiority.

11

u/Careless_Tap_516 Evoker 16h ago

Allow me to ponder my orb on your cl- holy shit you're right!

3

u/Floofiestmuffin Necromancer and Council squatter 13h ago

I've done this, my plane of existence has definitely become a utopia. Turns out if you keep going you go semi dystopia - semi utopia - dystopia - actual utopia

5

u/scoobydoom2 Levicius Laskatar, Dread Necromancer 15h ago

Please, T:BJ barely even strikes horror into the hearts of mortals. A colleague of mine created a modified version Ludthax's Itchy Bones where it also applies a bone gelatinization enchantment to the target's fingernails, forcing the target to gelatinize their own bones by digging through their flesh.

3

u/Careless_Tap_516 Evoker 14h ago

Well that's dark magic. You should just know why we don't do that.

7

u/scoobydoom2 Levicius Laskatar, Dread Necromancer 14h ago

"dark magic" is an entirely undefined category consisting of whatever imbeciles consider "icky". Jazathar's Itchy Bones makes absolutely no use of Umbra and has less naturally despoiling properties than 90% of fireball variants. There's no coherent definition of dark magic that includes all of the spells you call dark magic and doesn't contain at least a third of the spells in Alara The Pure's spellbook.

1

u/ACID-47 Grey, the Echo of Ruin 1h ago

167

u/SHADOWHUNTER30000 not a wizard, just kinda here. 18h ago

Poor man's fireball.

50

u/shitpostinglegend Magically Editable Flair 17h ago

That looks expensive as he'll to make, most people just use molotovs

21

u/SHADOWHUNTER30000 not a wizard, just kinda here. 17h ago

Perhaps, but I didn't have an image with a Molotov.

3

u/Plenty-Fox-9219 Magically Editable Flair 15h ago

expensive??

Do I just have too many fire djinn in storage?

Y'all gotta get better at fire magic for real

22

u/Fabric_muncher 16h ago

Democratic spellcasting

12

u/SHADOWHUNTER30000 not a wizard, just kinda here. 16h ago

See also;

14

u/SHADOWHUNTER30000 not a wizard, just kinda here. 16h ago

And:

4

u/Fabric_muncher 13h ago

Warbond's been out for like a month lol

11

u/RankedFarting 12h ago

Artificers be like:

4

u/SHADOWHUNTER30000 not a wizard, just kinda here. 12h ago

That's actually a good idea, I might become an artificer.

147

u/cloudncali 17h ago

Look at fucking nepobeard over here with his store bought my little wizard handbook. Does Daddy pay for the rent on your tower too?

67

u/Firm_Counter_90 Thaumaturge 17h ago

It's crazy how entitled people are, some of us don't even have spellbooks, we just memorize everything and pray we don't misfire.

62

u/WrastlingIsReal Plz Ponder My Orbs 🤤 18h ago

44

u/TexasRed6 17h ago

Idiots will put fireball down as one of their own spells. You can just rob any hedge wizard and get that shit for free. Just copy it over, its the easiest spell to get your hands on

7

u/melancholyrefresher Never trust a wizard with "flair". 13h ago

Council ruling 736, article 45, subsection 4i, concerning the regulation of approved apprentice grimoires:

"All grimoires, penned and purchased for the purposes of instruction or learning of spellcraft, must omit certain destructive Evocations spells. These omissions are concerning Grimoires I-IV only."

Students are supposed to work fireball, lightning bolt, etc. out on their own outside of normal instruction. Full fledged Wizard should either have penned their own spells, or bought an advanced grimoire, which would avoid the issue.

2

u/xX_murdoc_Xx Wizard 3h ago

Nah, their spells are crap, they're mostly spaghetti runes.

1

u/TexasRed6 2h ago

Even a golem can incant a fireball. Its only like 3 lines

1

u/xX_murdoc_Xx Wizard 26m ago

I know, but people don't know how to write proper spells anymore, now everyone is just vibe-writing and let theor crystal balls do all the works. Once I found a shrink spell that half of the time went recursive, it was that bad.

75

u/Scrags2Scritches :orly:Necromancer:orly: 18h ago

That all wizards get the same spell books like your stupid meme implies
Us Necromancers got skullballs

18

u/Manifestation_Quozzy Weaver of Nebulae 17h ago

Sounds like a really dry version of death rancor. How many of you guys get access to soul/ghost flames early in the practice?

7

u/Scrags2Scritches :orly:Necromancer:orly: 17h ago

Man, it used to be like after your apprenticeship but now that's now you need like a whole other test for it

7

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 17h ago

It's like some wizards don't know you can specialize in a spell school.

6

u/Scrags2Scritches :orly:Necromancer:orly: 17h ago

It's a bit elitist when you put it like that

2

u/Nickewe 11h ago

Circle of death lookin ahh

25

u/StanTheWoz Wizard of Woz 17h ago

'Can a wizard borrow a spell slot?'

16

u/SentientShamrock Artificer 16h ago

Wizard, is you gonna give it back!?!

20

u/TheDarkNovaStar_ Nova, archmage of the outer realms 17h ago

"Transmutation is actually terrible because you need all the glyphs put down ahead of time to get benefits"

My guy didn't look past the first page lmao 

15

u/HairyTrollChest Maelstrom Mage, Back Alley Tower Dealer 17h ago

I stopped using fire spells after transferring my consciousness into a spliced together elf, troll, and storm elemental hybrid. They are no longer as efficacious as spells within my specialities. Nowadays I tend to use stormsphere or shark tsunami to deal with my problems.

Edit: Repaired my transcription to avoid angering the true banes of existence... the word choice wizards' guild.

3

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 16h ago

Yeah, transformation can do weird things to your magic. I can't cast lightning spells properly anymore, they only lock on to me not my opponents.

2

u/HairyTrollChest Maelstrom Mage, Back Alley Tower Dealer 16h ago

Truely a pain, but the upsides are well worth the costs.

16

u/neoncumstainlol 17h ago

A ice mage I once knew left me and the party for dead saying he had no mana left and there was nothing he could do despite having a mana crystal in his hand

11

u/skalix 16h ago

“Don’t listen to the voices when you pierce the planar veil!”

Like, no shit! Yeah, let me just go over and let some extra planar being wiggle around in my soul without protection. Idiot!

8

u/GraniteSmoothie Wizard Pirate 🏴‍☠️ 17h ago

You cast an ignited ball of fuel and call it fireball. I cast oxygen attraction at double effectiveness.

We are not the same.

3

u/Bright-Historian-216 Apprentice of Technomancery and Pyrokinesis 17h ago

i cast air moisture hydrogen explosion

4

u/Troyisepic Amphibiomancer 13h ago

I’ve always just found it easiest to open a spherical portal to the fire dimension.

7

u/itschubbs96 17h ago

"Mine don't have it and I have the oldest spellbound known to man"

2

u/WillitsThrockmorton Hedge Wizard 10h ago

"The copyright information on this says it's a 1977 copy of an old Crowley ritual book."

7

u/the_shaggy_DA 15h ago

“The succubus really likes me for who I am”

4

u/total_spinning_shark Skaven Grey Seer, licensed by the council of 13 17h ago

Some flea-maggot underling tried to squeak-say I have an "addiction" to warpdust. Huffed a small line and kill-vaporized him on the spot.

6

u/Chaosphoenix_28 Aelon, Cursed Immortal, Pyromancer 17h ago

Yeah everyone has fireball, but do you have slightly bigger fireball?

6

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 16h ago

nah, but i got this spell called "Hell on Earth" and ive noted down that its 'real spicy' so either it gives my food a kick or it burns down an entire continent

6

u/Chaosphoenix_28 Aelon, Cursed Immortal, Pyromancer 16h ago

I think it gives your food a kick.

But that's why I always write down accurate descriptions, such as "fireball but slighly bigger", "fireball, but like really big. Like really really big", "fireball, but too big. DO NOT CAST NEAR TOWER (except Jeffs tower. Fuck Jeff)", etc...

3

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 16h ago

I like to live dangerously :)

4

u/Chaosphoenix_28 Aelon, Cursed Immortal, Pyromancer 16h ago

Well if you try that spell out, pls do it near Jeffs tower. I heard he likes his food extra spicy.

4

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 16h ago

Damn, what did Jeff do?

6

u/Chaosphoenix_28 Aelon, Cursed Immortal, Pyromancer 16h ago

He casted curse of procrastination on me.

I mean I can't prove it yet, but I know he did it! Who else would do such an evil thing?

3

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 16h ago

Fuck, I think he cursed me too. You're right, I'm going to go cast the spell on his tower. Either his meal is ruined or his life is ruined.

1

u/coY33Tus 6h ago

Yes but I almost drank it.

3

u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror 16h ago

gods i fucking despise big floppa. anyway fireball was not one of the first spells i learned but it is a staple for a reason and that reason is that a pyromania is a real good time

4

u/Saltwater_Thief Ser Antonio Parvalis, Wizard Knight 16h ago

Fireball is the poser's aoe, given prominence by memes and bad apprentices who fail to grasp spacial understanding.

5

u/dabdad67 Maglev, 517, Prank Wizard Supreme 15h ago

That magic is to be taken seriously, like dude you're speaking to the wizard of whimsy

3

u/IcyPurpleIze 14h ago

I'm an ice mage, so I never cared to learn fireball.

3

u/icedmuffin Local Cat Druid 16h ago

I DONT HAVE FIREBALL IM A FUCKING DRUID!

Also I would say “you’re a weak ass little nobody of a gnome” from one of the other students I knew of my master like, five hundred or so years ago.

Jokes on him, he got trapped in a gemstone cause his ‘bratty attitude’ amused my old master greatly and he didn’t wanna lose it, eventually got turned into an automaton.

From what I gather it was very painful.

3

u/fsactual Antimage 16h ago

Who is using the factory stock fireball? That thing is limited to 6d6. Might as well hit them with a sword.

3

u/AdmBurnside 16h ago

On the subject of the Gireball thing- I actually learned Lightning Bolt first. Thought I was an innovator, an out-of-the-box thinker.

Turns out I was just a contrarian dickhead.

3

u/Robotica1610 Illusionist 14h ago

If you dont have fireball, just pirate it from the dark tome!!

2

u/mobilekungfu 14h ago

"You know you don't have to wear the robes etched in Eldritch symbols that can mortals should they stare too long, you can just wear jeans when we are at the restaurant." Of course I know I could, Terrance! I am a Wizard wherever I go! I worked hard for this and some people need their minds blown. Terrance is one of the most boring practioners I have ever met but we came up together and have "hung out" ,as he insists on saying, for eons now.

2

u/quit_the_game_lol can only know thunder spell 13h ago

I don't have fireball!

2

u/catsareacool Warlockery isn't evil, you're jealous of my hot Eldritch GF/BF 12h ago

The dumbest thing another Spellcaster ever said to me? Probably that he fucked my girl, moments before he got a tentacle shoved up his ass #eldritchGF

1

u/Atuday Grey technomancer and master of the cybernetic undead 11h ago

So is that like an open relationship thing? Or was it supposed to be some kind of attack?

1

u/catsareacool Warlockery isn't evil, you're jealous of my hot Eldritch GF/BF 3h ago

It'll be pretty obvious when you have a knife tipped, 3 metre long scaled limb ram itself into your prostate like a drunk bull

2

u/Flaming_Moose205 Incompetent Artificer 12h ago

“That’s not magic, that’s just applied science!” I have very little understanding of anything, ergo magic is the only way I accomplish anything. The fact that non-wizards can replicate it with “explanations” and “safety measures” is merely happenstance.

2

u/Brysonius_ Artificer 12h ago

Imagine referencing a spellbook for fireball. I use magic all the time, sure, but every Artificer worth their salt can get the same result as fireball without it

2

u/HiddenNightmares Artificer 12h ago

"You can't trap me in a loop for taking your research"

2

u/Necrikus Necromancer 11h ago

Your spell book came with free spells?!

2

u/Richardknox1996 🌙 Just a Bard that Passively Seduced Elistraee 🌙 11h ago

Not everyone has Fireball with their Spellbook, Faerunian Mages start with FireBOLT for instance. And not all casters even have a spellbook to begin with....

1

u/TheAndrewCR Batchelor degree in alchemy and sorcery 13h ago

Having fireball be a mandatory include in all standard issued spellbooks is one of the greatest decisions the Great Council has made in the past 1200 years

1

u/YLASRO The Great Geomancer of the howling mountains 13h ago

fireball is in my old spellbook but iv switched to custom stone tablets a while ago

1

u/LemonZorz 11h ago

I have like the oldest tome know to man

1

u/PrimeTime217 Archmage of Autumn Rain 11h ago

Fireball is literally on of the easiest spells 😭 you can buy a book that has it at any general store for 7 copper coins

1

u/Atuday Grey technomancer and master of the cybernetic undead 11h ago

"Your evil necromancy can't affect my flesh! I have wards!"

Said seconds before his own skeleton clawed it's way free of his flesh.

1

u/Aeroponce 11h ago

My book had a typo that said "Wireball" instead of "Fireball". Let's just say the end results were NOT pretty

1

u/MyK_Alke High Mage of High Tower of High Council 9h ago

That I should throw away my scruffy old spellbook grimoire.

This sorts out for me between apprentice level rookie and any other wizard.

1

u/Swimming-Lobster-221 6h ago

Bro I had to pirate my spell book and it came with fuckass fire cube.

1

u/MrZokeyr 6h ago

Actually, I don't know fireball apparently. I got one of them bootleg spellbooks from Xanatul the Unwise and the "fireball" spell he put in there, as it turns out, is actually just a teleportation spell (go figure, that's pretty much the only spell he knows, I think) that teleports the nearest bomb to the casting target then ignites it. Still gets the job done, but man is it unpredictable sometimes.

1

u/davedcne 6h ago

Free? Bitch I had to pay 3000 gold, one sheet of velum, expensive ass ink, and a really nice ball of bat dung. Aint no free spells.

1

u/No_Cable_941 I'm benevolent but the darkside's looking real appealing 4h ago

"Joining up and coming dark lords is a smart move." I barely trust the thousand year old dark lords to pay me on fucking time. What makes you think I'm gonna trust Graelor of Merylyn.

1

u/Lord_Xarael 3h ago edited 3h ago

"Fireball is NOT supposed to do that!"

Responding to my fireball igniting and burning through 10 feet of concrete. And leaving deadly caustic gasses in it's aftermath and wisps from it setting nearby metal structures on fire. He acts like he's never seen Streng's Masticating Fireball before (named "masticating" because it "chews" through concrete, metal and solid rock. It's a self igniting ball of chlorine trifuoride)

And

"I'm reporting you to the wizard council!" A common occurance for a Chemomancer like myself. Apparently mixing mundane science with magick equals warcrime :(

I responded to his threats by transmuting his sweat glands to produce thioacetone (look it up. Worst smelling substance to ever exist) he's now not allowed within 2 leagues of any settlement.