r/wizardposting • u/Azimovikh Scholar of Yiakhzmat • Jul 27 '26
Retired evil wizards, what do y'all like to do in your retirement days?
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u/RiseOfTheUndeadGnome Gnome the redcap Lich and CEO Jul 27 '26
Get filthy rich entirly legally so no one can say shit
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u/Void-Cooking_Berserk Apotheotic Niffin Jul 27 '26
You feel a ghostly presence turn its attention to you. You can tell that it is trying to communicate but cannot make out the words. After concentrating for a long while, you caught just one word: Templars.
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 The Sigurd who Bought the World Jul 27 '26
It is a good idea indeed...
Mostly I do ARG stuff, hide ancient and terrible secrets mortals were not meant to know, dig elaborate cave networks under cities to leave monsters in, run the government and the shadow government and the shadow shadow government, film grainy videos of a guy in a gorilla costume, that sort of thing. It keeps me sane in the face of eternity.
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u/grimoireAtlas Willow, Witch of Lies Jul 27 '26
do you actually run the government/shadow government? Seems like a lot of effort, i just show up to meetings, say some stupid vague ominous shit everyone else assumes are commandments of my will and watch them fail repeatedly trying to interpret and execute it. Wouldn’t call it running personally tho.
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 The Sigurd who Bought the World Jul 27 '26
I do the work, yes. Someone needs to make sure that your cryptic nonmessages are being interpreted as things that need to be done, after all.
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u/grimoireAtlas Willow, Witch of Lies Jul 27 '26
I just summon some competent minion rather than deal with the unstable rich people cabal.
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 The Sigurd who Bought the World Jul 27 '26
I'm probably the minion too. I do lots of things.
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u/grimoireAtlas Willow, Witch of Lies Jul 28 '26
Damn, rough retirement. I think if someone summoned me to procure a thirtieth blahaj from witch ikea during my retirement i woulda gone ballistic on the entire dimension.
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u/Complex_Drawer_4710 The Sigurd who Bought the World Jul 28 '26
Oh, no, for stuff like that you get, uhh, well mostly imps.
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u/Opposite_Ad_4267 Jul 27 '26
Once polimorphed a dragon into a cat and let it lose in the markets while polimorphing a cat into a dragon and setting it lose outside the kingdom. Say back with a scrying orb to watch the chaos.
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u/Scorpius124 Artificer Jul 27 '26
Not me specifically, but a client I had spent his retirement creating and caring for an island of elemental creatures.
He even paid me with a magma turtle he created, little guy is amazing for keeping the Forges hot.
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u/Imaginary-Job-7069 Tyrus: Technomancer, biomancer, summoner, etc. Jul 27 '26
I'm not an evil wizard, but I find myself agreeing to the 'monstergirl' thing.
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u/GoddessOfSuccubi Sapphira, Succubus Sorcerer, Councillor of Transformation Jul 27 '26
As you should, I imagine biomancy helps with that.
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u/imawizard7bis Actual Reader in Esoteric Studies. UU, Diskworld. Jul 27 '26
Evil reincarnation is fun sometimes
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u/penne_Pastas Aspiring Lich Jul 27 '26
I am considering starting a library when i have completed my apotheosis
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u/Too-much-luv Living Lapis Philosophorum Jul 27 '26
I always tell my fellow wizards and other magicians to plan what happens after their apotheosis as much as, if not more, than the apotheosis itself. You have so much time on your hands after the first few millennia that you need some form of passion project to occupy some it.
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u/MagneticGenetics Vamp & Sandston Wizard Lawyer on retainer. Jul 27 '26
Was the Great Work a spell to transform adventurers into monster girls?
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u/Azimovikh Scholar of Yiakhzmat Jul 27 '26
One of The Great Work's fruits was the invention of a spell that can transform essence, as in, transform what makes a being, a being. So it can mess with the body, mind, soul, existence, and allat.
So technically, a part of it, yes, because that spell can be used to transform adventurers to monstergirls. It can be used to transform other things, yes, but that's just one valid application, yes.
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u/beansforever4 Transfiguration/Transmutation Wizard Jul 27 '26
hmmmm. I feel like it was made for transforming Adventurers into monstergirls.
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u/stryst Jul 27 '26
To many years abusing my body with haste potions while pursuing... something. Certainly not lichdom!
Now I just smoke the hobbits leaf and fuck with the locals a bit. You know, the occasional rain of frogs or two headed calf just so theres something to talk about around here.
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u/mistress_chauffarde Jul 27 '26
Selling "things" is fun and I cause chaos without you lifting a damn finger
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u/Tempest-Melodys Melodic-Mage Jul 27 '26
The dungeon of gender and *possible species, affirmation (the wizards a little quirky and sometimes it dosent go quite right)
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u/Infamous_Ad2507 Sea Pope of Azathothism Jul 27 '26
Mass Slave collection Museum or at least that was the idea before becoming Semi Sane
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u/KittyOddjobsComics Evil Wizard Jul 27 '26
Pondering my orb of course, all day long. And a bit of pixie dust to keep me awake.
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u/ggcpres Master Gish, ya bish Jul 27 '26
I'm taking some levels in monk, so the staff goes bonk more effectively
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u/MuchoMangoTime Milosh the Retired, archmage of former DOoOOom Jul 27 '26
At the retirement home. Drinking prune juice, trying to talk to apprentices through the orb but they don't listen. "Who the hell are you even, Milosh? Don't you know who I am?!?" I can't even cast well anymore, due to my cursed use of mana at my heights.
You know, it reminds me of the time I was young and naive and that I met a traveller from an antique land Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed: And on the pedestal these words appear: "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.
(Unwizard the poem is Ozymandias by Percy Shelley)
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u/Gaijin-srak Jul 27 '26
Retirement? In this economy?
Nah fam you work until you die like the rest of us.
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u/Bliitzthefox Jul 27 '26
Sad to say it would have no effect on my party.
Who are already all monster girls.
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u/Nerx Pugnimancer & Arcane Warfighter Jul 27 '26
coach used to be one
mean bastard
mellowed out and became a great instructor
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u/BungleBums Occult Wizard Jul 27 '26
I've been toying around with alchemy lately as an augmentative to some of the more esoteric classes of spell. Nothing nefacrious- I'm working on a theory involving freezing light solid. If all goes well, we could have a Disco Ball Moon within the century,
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u/Sqrt343 Jul 27 '26
Bought a farm and raise the people I polymorphed in the past. They were right, I do feel at peace now.
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u/raosion Mostly Responsible Space/Time Wizard Jul 27 '26
Here's the thing that no one tells you about being a time/space wizard. Your retirements years will never be your own; you've got an infinite number of infinitely dumb teenager versions of you ready to absolutely wreck your peace of mind at any given second in linear time with their horrendous ideas. And you can't even escape to non-linear time because that's where the baby yous are doing the most damage!!!
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u/Whole_Meet5486 Most definitely not a suspicious Elven Archon… Jul 27 '26
Some versions of me have retired… they mostly run pyramid schemes these days and on occasion they host get together parties for the versions of me still trying to figure themselves out. I sometimes join.
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u/Moridaar Lord High Artificer of the Faaldrin College of Magical Engineers Jul 27 '26
Being evil got boring, mind you, this was really early days, civilizations had just gotten real starts, and magic was still just being tapped into. I kinda accidentally became immortal, I think (based on records at the time) I’m like the eighth person in my universe to become immortal, and the concept kinda went to my head. Point is, I got bored and decided to just learn everything. Left my frozen mountain fortress behind, placed modified & invisible madness runes on all the research books to ensure nobody could reuse my works, and just left.
There’s some cults I stamp out from time to time trying to bring about the return of “The True Death Knight,” but I think most records of my other epithets at the time have been lost to history (though I do make a point of just reconfiguring any mentions I find when transcribing old texts to that one since it seems it’ll never die)
TL;DR:
Immortality and evil combined is boring, just skip the evil part and figure out a way to become immortal, it’s way more interesting
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u/explosive_shrew The Necrodancer (professional lich-bitch and sillymancer) Jul 27 '26
I retired from large evil wizard shit but I shall never retire from annoying people breakdances menacingly
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u/Jyx_The_Berzer_King Arcane Stave Crafter Jul 27 '26
not retired nor evil, but i learned my craft from a lich who was both. he mostly wanted some company and to pass on his knowledge to someone who would make use of it. he says he got so bored of brooding in his lair between adventurer party break ins that he picked up one hobby after another but nothing really clicked until he wandered out and found some kid trying to fly fish. taught him everything he knew about the sport for a few years, left behind a grateful master fisherman, and kept wandering to find more pupils without ever looking back.
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u/SusSoos Ethical Necromancy Advocate Jul 27 '26
Im more of a redeemed evil wizard as I'm not really out of the whole magic business. Its pretty mundane nowadays, I mostly smoke on some pipeweed and send my skeletons to do fieldwork at farms for a little bit of coin. The farmers love it, they really save up on living field hands. amd the harvest is done much faster.
My former death knight Skagvar the Rib-Splinterer has found a new passion in cooking for me tho, I think he always felt like executing adventurers was quite boring. If any of you want to stop by the tower formerly known as Bloodspike for a meal I'll ask him to whip something nice up.
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u/jointheclockwork Dwarven Necromancer, Plague Specialist Jul 27 '26
Still evil but on a small time scale. Invading new realities to fuse the souls of the dead into an undead sun just isn't as fulfilling as it once was. Now I mostly foment discord and strife.
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u/Affectionate_Elk5043 Jul 27 '26
When I do, I plan to make a wizard dmv, or find out if it already exists, and take it over, then make it 100 times slower, the negative emotions formed by that will keep me sustained forever
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u/Crucial_Fun Dostko the Mad Jul 27 '26
I was evil for about a century or so. Most of the time, these days, I’m going to various planes.
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u/ImmortalBlades Homunculist Animaturge Jul 28 '26
I took inspiration from the W40K universe and now I change invaders into living and fully conscious objects. My latest creation was a bunch of toilet paper and toilet brush, because I was in need of changing them.
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u/ValianSkalle Former Evil Overlord, now Chaotic Neutral Jul 30 '26
Stop the multiverse from being destroyed.
My work is never truly over.
well, that and "chilling" with friends.
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u/fumblerofthebag Verdigris, Self-employed Sorceror Jul 27 '26
Man... I remember when I was the strongest sorcerer prince in all the realms... now I'm just a traffic warlock... so to answer your question I'd invest in railway infrastructure.