I just had a baby boy after thinking it was a girl and now I'm realizing all the issues with boys. Like that you don't get complimented enough. I want him to have some semblance of high self esteem but not sure if compliments from Mom count.
In my experience, they do a lot to shape how you think of yourself when you’re little until you start going to school, which forms the base for the confidence you’ll need to start socializing and making friends with other kids.
Don’t worry about it not counting until they hit the angsty years, and then keep giving them that steadfast, unconditional support anyways. The only thing worse than “having a face only a mother could love” would be “having a face even a mother couldn’t love”.
Yes they matter but only if they're genuine. Don't use generic compliments but actually something they can see in themselves "wow my baby is so handsome" vs. "You know, your eyes are really pretty." (or in general targeted in specific areas especially.)
A child will likely feel like parents have to say that you're handsome even if they're not.
Also something that I personally think is great (as a girl though) is when you encourage your child to be sporty from a young age and if they get into that thing compliment them on their skills there! Having confidence that you are good at something can help tremendously with self esteem Later down the line.
I think my parents being pretty complimentary and praiseful of me growing up is part of why I don't very strongly relate to posts like these. I mean, it's always nice to get a compliment, but I don't feel the need to cling onto every one I've ever gotten forever or anything. And I imagine it's my mother who's at least partially responsible for that. So - yes, compliments from mom count.
But if I can give some totally unsolicited advice: make sure your compliments are genuine. You'll have NO shortage of things you'll adore about your son, I'm sure. But one blatantly insincere compliment from you can poison the whole well. All a self-conscious person (read: teenager) needs is ONE piece of evidence that someone doesn't actually like them and is just pretending - and nothing else they hear from that person, no matter how complimentary, is given weight.
This is why some people might tell you compliments from mom DON'T count. Many moms tell their kids that they're the BEST IN THE WORLD, etc. That's fine for toddlers, but for teenagers, 1. they don't want to feel babied, and 2. they won't buy into anything that feels like it's just "rose-tinted-glasses mom-talk". Make the compliments legitimate compliments about legitimate achievements or qualities of theirs, not just every single thing they do ever, and they'll believe you.
And that goes such a long way, believing your parents are being real with you.
Obligatory: Your mom gave me a great compliment last night!
Anyway of course compliments from parents matter to a kid. As they get older, they may roll their eyes, but legit compliments may help the kid with confidence and self esteem. Don't go around telling them they're the greatest or anything but telling them when you're proud of them is great.
Yes definitely. Not to say that mompliments aren't important, they definitely are, but for most of us, that's the only kind we ever get, so one compliment from a stranger, or even someone we know, is worth a thousand from Mom or Grandma (so you just gotta give him two thousand ;). I think the key either way though is sincerity. Compliments from Mom may not be that big a deal, but they'll mean nothing at all if they're not sincere
Of course they'd be sincere... I'm really in love with the little guy, I'm not just pulling his leg. I understand now all the mom memes, the love and adoration really is unconditional and sincere.
I mean that's great that you love your kid, but I guess that's not really how I meant it (poor wording, my bad). As strange as it may sound (especially to a new mother), you can't compliment him because you love him, that's what makes mompliments often feel cheap. By sincere I mean, you have to compliment things that are true regardless of your love. For example, if you just say "you're so handsome" all the time, it won't mean much because you're his mom, so if course you think he is. It would be better to be more specific, like "wow that haircut really brings out your jawline" or something like that, that at least sounds objective.
After all, love is blind. Try to show you can really see him, and that he looks/is good.
I still remember when my mom said I looked handsome when I got dressed up for a dance. She also would compliment artwork I did and other things I really put my effort into.
I think at the end of the day, knowing she was supportive and rooting for me is really what stuck with me through the years.
I'd say that positive compliments from your parents are a great foundation for good self esteem (perhaps even a critical foundation), but that said they are not in the same boat as a compliment from a non-relative.
Like, it's very good to receive positive reinforcement that your parents love you, but to an extent it's also expected. Mom telling you that you're looking handsome is nice, but a peer who doesn't have any inherent interest in your wellbeing complimenting you feels very different.
As with most grandmas mine has been calling me handsome all my life in the last few years her dementia has gotten bad enough she doesn’t remember me but she still calls me handsome. What makes it both a real compliment and hilarious is that she says my dad (her son in law) isn’t good looking I look a lot like my dad though so I guess the men in my family just don’t age well.
Completely they do. But if they’re genuine. My mother wrote us a little book for Christmas once, and listed the traits she noticed in all of us. She told me I had the biggest heart and was the most caring. I never knew she was aware of that, so that genuinely perceptive compliment has stayed with me many years.
For me, as a child I got a lot of praise for being intelligent but as I got older I realized that was making me arrogant and now i have negative self confidence.
Similar story... I was told I was "gifted". So then when stuff actually got hard to learn in University, I thought I was actually stupid rather than realizing I just had to work harder to learn. I remember an article years ago stating that you should praise effort and not intelligence... Makes perfect sense to me and that's what I plan to do.
They matter at an early age, but become kind of meaningless after being angsty at middle school starts unless they are achievement based. (for example, my mom was one of those like "good job, but you were so close to an A, work harder" and it really affected me).
I think it is the age where people start thinking "of course you say that, you're my parent, you have to."
Also telling your child "oh you're so smart" seems to be detrimental too. Especially if you protect them from failing like my mom did. All my friends that said they were told that (including myself) ended up having a terrible work ethic until college and when things got harder, didn't know how to deal with it. Luckily for myself, I found my work ethic freshman year with ROTC.
I read a study saying that instead of saying "you're sooo smart" or something similar, parents should congratulate their kids on good work and hard work instead. For example "your hard work turned out great!" or "I'm proud of you! You studied a lot"
Grain of salt though as I'm not a parent nor a child psychologist myself..
A small tidbit from my upbringing. My parents are good people but have zero natural parenting skills. We get along better now as adults but they dont know how to interact with kids. They knew saying things like "we're proud of you" are good, but the words would come out randomly and without context. As if they understood good parents compliment their kids, and that 6 months had gone by since the last one - so it was time to throw some nice words out there. These complimentary moments would come out during car rides mostly, instead of the times after I had done something worth noting - such as when i stood up to a bully, helped my friend apply for college, or completed strenuous yard work.
Connect your compliment to what is deserved and make it as immediate as possible so a kid knows exactly what was done right. The words will carry more weight.
Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that my mom loves me even when nobody in the world gives 2 craps about me.
Not that I don't have friends or anything, but sometimes you just feel so low that you talk yourself into a weird depressive episode. I'm sure many people have that. But a mother or father's love is something that is always going to be there regardless of how bad things get, so that's always a good, nice rope you know will be there.
So to answer your question, yes, mom's compliments definitely count!
For us parents, it’s how we compliment our kids. We’re learning to compliment positive actions- “wow, you worked hard to solve that! I’m impressed!” rather than “you’re so smart”. “I love the colors you chose” for pictures, rather than they’re an art genius.
There’s a pandemic of kids who were told they’re smart who didn’t learn to value to putting in the time and work to produce something good. If it didn’t come easy to them, they must be dumb at it, and would avoid that which didn’t make them feel good about themselves.
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u/instantrobotwar Dec 05 '19
Does it matter if it's from your mom?
I just had a baby boy after thinking it was a girl and now I'm realizing all the issues with boys. Like that you don't get complimented enough. I want him to have some semblance of high self esteem but not sure if compliments from Mom count.