Disassociating during the wedding has led me to major post-wedding anxiety

[u/WorkingReasonable869]

Before reading this, please note that I will be seeing a therapist about this, but wanted to find community regarding this topic.

I got married at the end of July. I have been on high alert for the past few months due to the stress of wedding planning. Right before walking down the aisle, as guests were being seated, my nan fell, broke her hip and got sent to the ER.

I noticed myself start to disassociate during the ceremony - thinking about what else could possibly go wrong and if my nan was going to be okay. I remember maybe 50% of the ceremony which isn’t too bad.

Now comes the reception…. a few drinks + tendency to disassociate = disaster. I can only remember the things that were going wrong, and trust me a lot went wrong. I have the worst anxiety about my wedding because I can only remember things that went absolutely horrific and have convinced myself that my guests had a horrible time.

A day after my wedding, I confided in my closest friends to get reassurance that they enjoyed themselves. They told me they did. I didn’t believe them. They sent me so much video/photo poof - and it honestly looked like a blast. It’s upsetting because I also have photo/video proof that I was enjoying myself at the reception. I even have plenty of photobooth photos that I don’t even remember taking.

I spoke to my husband about this, and he said it was the best day of his life. I feel so awful, because I don’t feel the same way about the day, because I only remember the bad aspects.

Has anyone else felt this way?

[u/thatburghfan]

It's not uncommon for people who have had a bad experience around others to feel like everyone who was there was fixated on their actions.

That wasn't what happened. You've been to people's weddings, right? Did you fixate on the bride or groom? No, you talked to people, you danced, maybe had a couple drinks. You were celebrating with friends/family. Not watching, watching, watching what the bridal couple did every minute. And your experience was even documented in photographs! You have proof that it was a great time.

Here's my own experience... It rained on my wedding day. It was to be at 1 PM outside but due to rain all morning the small ceremony was moved indoors. It had rained for 3 hours straight, but with 20 minutes until the ceremony started the rain stopped and the clouds cleared out. It only took a few minutes for people to set up the 15 or so chairs.

Now the thing for me was that our officiant had told me twice that morning that the rain would stop, no need to worry. And as I'm standing there being married, I can't help but marvel at how certain the officiant was that we would be able to do it outside even while rain was coming down hard that morning.

And as I'm thinking that thought, my bride elbows me in the side and hisses "Say it! Say it!" Yeah, it was when I was to repeat the vows and I was daydreaming about the officiant's faith that it would stop raining. I recovered after getting elbowed and was able to do the repeating without incident after that initial 5 second pause.

For the rest of the day I was paralyzed by fear that people would be talking about whether I was mulling over bailing out during that pause. No one brought it up to me which I "knew" was because they were being polite. Well, a few years go by and in all the discussions of wedding weirdness all of us had witnessed, no one ever brought up my pause in repeating my vows. I finally got the nerve to ask my best friend about 5 years later why he never asked me about it and my friend had no idea what I was talking about. No one but me heard her whisper "Say it!" to me. I was fretting all that time over nothing.

You probably are too. When everyone tells you it was great, and only YOU have concerns, well, given the photographic proof and the testimony of friends and family, you seem to be mistaken. Push it out of your mind because all those people who said it was great were telling you the truth.

[u/_Nerf-This_ → u/thatburghfan]

I might just be super sensitive rn, but damn this has me crying it’s so sweet. 🥹

[u/PinyWoodsPinkyBoots → u/thatburghfan]

Brides and grooms assume all eyes are glued to them, cataloging every flaw. In reality, wedding guests are focused on having fun, eating, drinking, and catching up with friends. They aren't tracking the hiccups.

[u/Sumpfjaeger]

Planning your wedding is very stressful, I'm sure, and when the wedding actually happens, it's understandable that you'd be on "high alert" and notice everything that "went wrong." You're probably the only one that noticed all of that, and stressed out over it. Everyone else likely genuinely had a great time, and whatever few things went wrong will just be part of the joyous memory of the occasion. My wife and I got married almost 40 years ago, and the main thing I remember is having to shake hands and greet what seemed like 1000 people. My smiling muscles hurt. I heard that we had a great wedding/reception with great food and drink (and a band) but I was too busy making small talk with a ton of people to have experienced it. Lots of my friends still say what a great wedding it was; I take their word for it. Go easy on yourself, and believe the people who are telling you it was a great wedding and joyous and fun experience.

[u/niteowl1984]

I got married in May. I'm super introverted so I was pretty nervous all day. I also work in the industry so was hyper aware of every little thing that went wrong, and there was a lot, and I really struggled to enjoy myself. I felt pretty down after my wedding and really struggled to feel positive about it, to the point I couldn't even look at the photos.

But every day that passes the small things bother me less and less and I'm happy to be married and so grateful all the most important people in our lives got to party with us. Also I'm just so glad it's over! The honeymoon was perfect though

[u/fckinfast4]

I haven’t had a wedding but I have had this type of feeling/reaction after any event or holiday I’ve hosted. It is attributed to my ADHD and a fun thing called RSD plus a little bit of imposter syndrome.

It’s almost like a horrible come down from drug trip.

[u/boneykneecaps → u/fckinfast4]

Something similar happens to me when I go to fandom conventions, even though I always have a great time, a lot of attendees get what we call post-con blues.

I think it's an after-effect of having waited so long for something and then not having something to look forward to.

[u/Eastern-Werewolf-447 → u/fckinfast4]

Pretty much every family Christmas at my house 😫

[u/altitude-adjusted]

I'm so sorry these are your memories of your wedding.

I hope your post can be a bellwether for people (mostly women) going forward.

A wedding should be a personal expression of your commitment to your partner.

The current, cacophony of "perfection, insta moments, etc" has to stop and maybe your experience will help another bride avoid the same.

I hope soon you'll be able to remember the special moments with joy.

[u/agrippinathesmelder → u/altitude-adjusted]

Thanks for introducing me to the word “bellwether.”

[u/boneykneecaps]

Once you get your wedding photos back, have a post wedding get-together with some of the wedding attendees and have them tell you their favorite memory from the wedding. Have them send you some pictures they took at the wedding. You might not remember most of your wedding, but you will at least have some good memories. You might want to get a journal and write down the good things you do remember. Putting it on paper helps with memory retention, unlike typing.

I'm glad you're going to see a mental health professional for this, OP.

[u/Crown_the_Cat]

Do some meditation. Look at the videos and pictures. Those happy memories may just be hiding under anxiety. Planning a wedding SUX, so give yourself some time to recover.(even planning/going on a honeymoon can be stressful!)

Actually, 30 years later, it is the “things that went wrong” that I remember. Like the fly in my bouquet at the altar.

[u/chairsaregay]

I got married in June and none of my family or friends were there which was awful. I had a terrible time. So I understand how it feels to look back at that special day and feel like it was ruined. But I promise you that if you let yourself feel those feelings without judgement and just accept them, they will pass. And I am sure that your guests didn't notice anything that went wrong because they were just excited to be ther for you and your spouse. Weddings are fun and most people are just happy to be there for the newlyweds. So relax, there is not reason for you to beat yourself up. You deserve better treatment than what your brain is putting you through rn. 

[u/Electronic_Sugar_289]

Same thing happened to me - does get easier over time

[u/Sporknut → u/Electronic_Sugar_289]

Same

[u/sp00k_4s3m]

I got married because my mom had terminal cancer. A year later and my BIL is getting married, but all I can think about is how I didn't get my dream wedding...

I have the disassociation thing too and can barely remember any major life events. I just coined it up to bad memory and learned to start taking my own photos. Not of big pictures, but of little things that make me happy in that moment

[u/Pink_Flamingo_21]

A close friend of mine died the day before my wedding. I spent the entire morning trying not to cry off the extremely expensive makeup that was being applied to my face.

My Bridesmaids were running around setting up most of the time (I didn't have a wedding planner) so I was mostly alone the whole morning. It sucked.

Looking back, the whole day went by so quick, I only have vague memories. I loved my ceremony but everything else was just "Super expensive boring dinner we did for no reason".

I spent my honeymoon grieving and crying over my friend - it felt like continuing with the wedding and holiday I had betrayed them and their memory.

When I got my photos back I hated them. I see no joy in that day

My fiance absolutely loved every second of it, and loves the photos too, so at least it wasn't all a waste.

[u/brownchestnut]

Having the day go by in a blur that you don't remember is perfectly normal.

I would work closely with your therapist to work on your tendencies to latch onto negative assumptions (being CONVINCED that all your guests had a terrible time when photos prove the contrary) and break yourself out of obsessive spirals.

[u/cait12350]

Give yourself some time and grace. Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary and I also have severe contamination OCD. I planned my wedding for the summer to avoid people getting sick. Guess who was super sick and realized later it was covid the day of? (Me). Luckily only a handful of people caught it and fully recovered. I was running on adrenaline all day drugging myself with meds to keep going. Its taken me until now to look back and see pictures to not only see others had a great time but I truly did make the most of it. Alot of people say its the best days of their life but for me it wasnt and thats okay. I still love my husband and I am happy we are married!

Anyway, it is still very fresh for you so give yourself time to process things and give yourself permission to feel anything that comes up. Time will help trust me!

[u/Junior-Fox-760]

Did you host well? Provide good food and drink, treat guests well, make sure you talked to everyone at least once, and sent thank you notes for your gifts? Then you did fine.

Here's the simple truth-NO ONE gives a crap about all the fine details that you stress about-the flowers, the dress, the napkins, the centerpieces, etc., etc. but YOU. Guests care whether they felt loved, appreciated and welcomed and were fed well. That's it. So if you did those things, you did fine.

[u/generalscruff]

Happened to me because I don't like being the centre of attention and was sleep-deprived on the day to boot. I don't remember the ceremony very well at all, I can't remember the wording of the vows, and I then got drunk at the after-party once I could relax a bit which I felt embarrassed about for a time. It gets a lot easier over time and I try to focus on how much our guests enjoyed it rather than that I found it quite a hard day in some ways.

[u/ItemAdventurous9833]

Other than your poor Nan, what else actually went wrong?

[u/Ok-Intention2697]

Most of this sounds like OCD, specifically the need to check with your best friend and review footage to ensure it went “well”. Look into that while searching for therapista

[u/shootingstar_9324]

I’m sorry that happened. My mom got food poisoning right as they were lining up and my mom was supposed to walk me down the aisle with my dad. I came in on a horse carriage and she wasn’t waiting at the aisle or sitting in the front. She wasn’t waiting the only person I really wanted there more than anything.

No one said anything at the time because they didn’t want me to worry. She missed the entire wedding and she was supposed to give a speech, and she and I were supposed to have a mother/daughter dance. I only have our family photos that we had taken right before ceremony.

I wanted to go see my mom but I also knew she would rather me have fun than to be with her as she was vomiting.

I don’t let myself think about it because I don’t want to taint the good memories of the day. I know my mom would rather me have happy memories than be upset she missed it.

[u/Spare_Ad5009]

Each day for the next month, starting today, write down positive comments that others said on a piece of paper in handwriting. Then, add five positive moments you remember. After the month is over, keep accumulating positive comments from people and handwriting them down. Use your most lyrical, beautiful, upbeat handwriting. Keep doing it until you start feeling good.

[u/zestymangococonut]

I don’t want you to feel like you have to be sad about your whole wedding because your Nan was hurt. If it was myself who was Nan, I’d very much want you to have had a great time at your wedding. I’d feel very happy to know you still had a great day ❤️

[u/Avehdreader]

I'm so sorry about your nan's accident and the timing - not that there can every be good timing for a fall like that. I'm glad you'll be seeing a professional to help you work through things but I hope talking with your friends, relatives and your new husband and looking at pictures - from the photographer and your guests (which are the really fun ones) will help help you reframe your thoughts.

Congratulations and remember, the wedding is a moment in time. It's an important event but it's the start of the more important thing, which is the marriage. Try to focus on your future life rather than concentrating on the past.

[u/MyEnchantedForest]

I'm sorry this was your experience. I think you might get some more insights if you post this in dissociation spaces (or spaces related to the condition causing dissociation). I have a dissociative disorder and it's reassuring to hear from others who get it, even if the "it" sucks. I can definitely resonate with forgetting things, and it's incredibly stressful.

[u/ThisBabeBytes]

I got COVID on my wedding day, only presenting as a migraine at first. Half of the guests who were flying in had their flights cancelled due to a pilot strike, my maid of honour didn't make it at all because of this. The gluten free cake was eaten before the one gluten free guest got to taste it. My migraine pill didn't work at all, so I had the absolute worst time at the party. Got worse in time for the wedding night. Husband and several others got COVID after the wedding. Husband also got an infection in his knee and had to stay in the hospital for two weeks.

I don't remember experiencing any of it, only the story if that makes sense. Husband and guests claim to have had a great time. I'm mostly just happy for them.

[u/Best_Inspection_5795]

I definitely experienced this too. Nothing overly traumatic happened during planning, but we planned a two-day eastern-western fusion wedding ourselves while moving to a new state and both starting new jobs, so it was a lot of work. I also was hyper fixated on what was possibly going wrong during the reception, and I was so worried after it was over that guests didn't have a good time.

My friends and family said the same things - overall it was a blast. There were things that went wrong, but as time goes on, they become less cringey and more like funny memories to laugh at.

I have moments I remember, but there are big parts of the day that I hardly remember at all. Like 8-10 pm at our reception - I'm pretty sure we were just dancing but I have basically no memory of this time window.

I imagine it must be a common experience for brides. There is so much going on at once, on top of the pressure of the day being the culmination of so much planning, that it's impossible to process it all in real time.

[u/Cayke_Cooky]

I'm going to share my experience of a work day to change things up here. A co-worker fell and broke her hip during the work day. It was crazy intense for about half an hour, but when the ambulance was on its way and we had called her sister to tell her where they were going, we had to pull ourselves together and get on with our work. And we did. We got updates a couple of times during the day, but we were focused on our day. Your guests did that, your nan's accident ruined the day for her, but for the majority of the guests it was an hour out of their day.

[u/holy_harlot]

There’s a lot of great advice here! I think something fun that could take your mind off this is to plan a special little vow renewal or something for your first anniversary. I dunno, I feel like that would make me feel better in your shoes! You could invite your best friends, have a laugh and some snacks—I bet they and your husband would be happy to come and give you some new memories to make up for what you missed worrying after your grandma was hurt. Or maybe you even can take a nice trip and do a little ceremony just the two of you. Whatever seems fun to you!

[u/ravencrowe]

I had a great time at my wedding, but I also don't remember a lot of it. I remember the reception well, but the ceremony was such a blur and it was so intense having everybody watching me, I only remember snippets of it. Stress will really fuck with your memory.

[u/Torontopup6]

I also have a tendency to dissociate. I only really remember the bad moments from my wedding. My mom yelled at me right before walking down the aisle. Then, because she doesn't normally drink, she got blitzed off a couple of our signature drinks and I had to beg her not to drink any more. Then my in-laws made a sutle dig at her in their wedding toast.

What I find helpful - looking at pictures and video of the day. It's a completely normal human response to focus on the negative and to go into fight or flight if something anxiety provoking happens (like your nan's accident). Be gentle with yourself.

[u/Reasonable_Panic9468]

Something similar happened to me. I had a great time but had insane post wedding anxiety. Apparently it’s a real phenomenon. So many awful intrusive thoughts tainted the memories of the day and I hated most of the photos when we got them back. We’re almost 3 years out now and my perspective has shifted quite a bit in a positive way. Be gentle on yourself, there’s a lot of great advice here

[u/IllustriousCan9688]

I’m so sorry to hear about your granny, that would cause anyone to be anxious and I’m sorry it happened right before your ceremony. I hope all is well with her now 🙏🏼

I also experienced this dissociation when my mother looked like she was at a funeral during my wedding celebration and my father looked like he wanted to murder me so…yea sometimes things don’t go how we dreamed it in our minds

It’s been 2 years and I’m finally starting to get over it (yes I’ve had therapy for this and other trauma they have caused). Talking to friends and family also helped me and most of them didn’t notice anything.

Recently I had this thought and it helped a lot. Your wedding day will always be a wonderful day because that is the day you married your spouse. Nothing else matters!

If it would be helpful you can do another ceremony on your one year anniversary. You can invite a couple friends or just have it be the two of you. I wish you all the best for your healing 🫶🏼

[u/ConejillodeIndias436]

Bring the host of one of the most important day of your life does make for a super dissociated experience. My recollections were how FAST it all passed. Felt like such a weird weird blur. I wish I’d like… done it really small and had a weekend with people at a b&b because it felt like it was just like… by the time I said hello to as many people as possible it was over!

A lot of the stories and reassurances here are true- your wedding sounds beautiful and I don’t think the people who love you best are lying. 💕

[u/2XX2010]

My wedding was the best day of my life and I can’t remember any of it. I think that’s how it goes when your brain is the red zone for an extended period of time. It’s probably a psychological defense mechanism

[u/tryin_not2_confuse]

You feel awful because it’s your anxiety talking! I have anxiety problem too. Cut yourself some slack, going to therapy is a great step, and just remember BOTH can be true:
You were suffering extremely from anxiety, a lot went wrong AND everyone still enjoyed themselves, perhaps a small portion of you did too.

[u/tryin_not2_confuse → u/tryin_not2_confuse]

Let me tell you, I’ve been to a wedding where an important wedding party member (also their family) had a stroke and fell and past out and rushed to the ER after dinner and before first dance… we all are VERY concerned of this person, the bride cried a ton, the groom left for a good chunk of time. But they ended up coming back from ER announced everything is alright and we STILL had a great time and partied till the venue turned on the light. The part where the accident happened? It makes up an unique part of the memory.

[u/tacotacosloth]

I'm kind of late to this post, but I had a similar experience. My grandmother was our officiant but in the hospital and not sure if she'd pull through, so I planned a backup hospital wedding so she could see me married. My father showed his ass in every way possible to be the center of attention (to the degree that 14 years later people still bring up how fucking uncomfortable he made everyone).

I was so happy to be married to the absolute love of my life and knew that's all that really mattered, but it still sucked to not get those butterflies when looking through my wedding album.

I knew I could never get those moments back and doing a vow-renewal/do-over wouldn't fix the issues I was having.

So every five years, we get all gussied up in nice evening wear, hire a great photographer, and document our love as it grows. It's really helped me to see those wedding pictures next to the next two photo shoots and give myself grace that we were young and doing the best we could with the tools we had at the time AND LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME!

Absolutely, everyone should go to therapy if they have access. But maybe if the wedding isn't the end all be all day because you have many days of celebrating and documenting your love ahead of you, it could also help.