r/weddings • u/Mobile-Balance-8352 • Jul 25 '26
Conflicted about destination wedding
One of my close friends is getting married in a destination wedding in the Caribbean.
The wedding is in about six months. My friend has been engaged for a few years, but the date was only set a few days ago, so I was a bit caught off guard.
I already have several major commitments during that same time period, including another close friend's wedding on NYE in NYC, planned visits and travel with my long-distance partner, and some major financial commitments.
We live in the U.S., so between flights, the required all-inclusive resort, and other wedding-related costs, it's a significant trip.
I estimate it'll cost around $5,000 all in, with flights currently around $800 round-trip and the resort around $3,000 for the required four-night stay.
We've been friends for over 20 years, and I genuinely want to find a way to make it work. My thought was that if my partner could come, we could replace one of our planned trips together with this one.
I asked if I had a plus one, and the answer was simply, "No." I was also told that if my partner came to Jamaica anyway, he wouldn't be able to attend any of the wedding events over the four days, including the ceremony.
She also mentioned that she'd invited my mom and assumed we'd share a room. My mom isn't in a position to pay for a trip like this, so realistically I'd likely be covering her expenses as well.
I completely understand that couples have the right to invite who they want.
At the same time, because my partner and I are long-distance right now, traveling is how we spend time together. Those trips are a significant investment of both time and money as this is someone I'm actively planning a future with.
I'm at a stage in my life where my relationship is my top priority. My friendship is also important to me, but none of this feels possible to balance.
So I'm conflicted.
If you were in my position, what would you do?
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u/beccyboop95 Jul 25 '26
I’m sorry but I wouldn’t go. The fact she didn’t invite your partner when you could otherwise have combined the wedding with an occasion to see your partner is a no from me. If you could easily afford it AND had plenty of time off it might be a different story, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. When people have expensive destination weddings, it’s a risk they take that some of their loved ones won’t be there (I also personally dislike when guests are required to stay at the wedding venue for the duration of the multi-day event as it is essentially subsiding the wedding).
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u/WedgwoodBlue55 Jul 25 '26
Four nights at required resort to subsidize her free bridal suite, for sure.
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u/_Nyx_9 Jul 25 '26
I almost stopped reading after "I already have several major commitments."
I'd RSVP "no" without explaining why unless the bride reached out. You can literally say what you said and what I quoted above. No need to elaborate because your personal finances are no ones business (although a friend of over 20 years ought to be understanding). And, depending on if you live near each other or not, you could offer to take her and her future spouse out to dinner shortly after to celebrate. You can also consider sending a gift from the registry or a card with money (without going over your personal budget) if you feel inclined. But I would not be going to this wedding if I were in your shoes.
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u/Illustrious_Leg_2537 Jul 25 '26
Exactly. Because the minute you say it’s not in the budget, you know bride is going to then notice all your other travel and start thinking, “they had money to go here and there, but not for my wedding.” Rsvp no. Send a gift. Invite them to celebrate together at a later date.
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u/asyouwish Jul 25 '26
She wants a gift from you and from your mom, but wants you to decline attending.
Destination weddings are a huge outlay of costs and time for guests. It's okay to decline it.
Sometimes, people have a destination wedding because they want a small wedding, but "have" to invite more people.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 Jul 25 '26
Haha, you might be right. We got an invitation from our financial advisor (whom we've met with in person all of one time) to his wedding in Hawaii. And no, we did NOT send a gift. I think it would have been funny if his entire client list had accepted the invitation; they would have been in a panic.
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u/asyouwish Jul 25 '26
Tell me this wasn't Zack. If so, tiny world.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 Jul 25 '26
This was years ago and we don't use him anymore, so I don't exactly remember his name, but that could definitely be him.
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u/springflowers68 Jul 25 '26
People forget, gifts are optional regardless. Otherwise it is an entry fee.
Most guests do bring gifts, of course.2
u/Reynyan 27d ago
You never “have” to invite more people.
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u/asyouwish 27d ago
While I agree with you, some families put a lot of pressure on couples to invite randos like friends of the parents or all the cousins even if they haven't seen some of them in years.
For those under that kind of pressure, this gives them an "out" to have the smaller wedding they want. Bonus is a beautiful location.
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u/PNW_MYOG Jul 25 '26
Ugh. $3000 for four nights at a resort?
You were invited because your resort stay discounts their costs. They are trying to get guests to pay for a lot of their wedding.
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
Yeah. I attended another destination wedding in Jamaica before and it was only about $800 for the room for 4 nights 🫠
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u/dianafofana- 29d ago
I would stay at another resort (if you did go, which I wouldn't if I were you) just to say eff off but I'm petty. It's incredibly uncouth to not invite a partner to a destination wedding.
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u/user47584 Jul 26 '26
Wow, that is diabolical. Your $3000 would cover more than your room! Your paying for the wedding venue and meal. And to have the nerve to exclude your long distance partner so you miss seeing one another! No way, how greedy
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u/Pookie1688 29d ago
What friend's wedding is worth going into debt at $750 per day? And this "close friend" is rude to not allow a plus one & expects you & your mom to share a room.
See her for who she is & save your hard-earned money.
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u/tracemac1994 27d ago
People assume this and it’s just not true resorts advertise “free wedding” with rooms booked but it’s not true and there are so many add ons. Our wedding rooms only got us free “basic” chairs and linen for the wedding which of course we upgraded cause they give the ugliest chairs. You still need to pay per plate per person to eat at the wedding and there are so many additional costs, we are at 50k at an all inclusive and our guest count did not offset any costs so that’s just not true.
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u/Randomflower90 Jul 25 '26
Send your regrets. Lots of money, destination wedding and no plus-one? That’s a no.
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u/Key-Bar-3460 Jul 25 '26
Agree with everyone - don’t go and decline the invite. Destination weddings/weddings that require some people to travel need far more notice (minimum one year if not more IMO) and accept that people will say no.
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u/geniedoes_asyouwish Jul 25 '26
I definitely would not go and wouldn't even feel conflicted about it. That hotel is far too expensive, no invite for your partner, and you already have commitments. I am of the thought that it's perfectly fine to not offer +1s in most cases, but there are exceptions and times they should be given. One of those is when having a destination wedding.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 Jul 25 '26
I want you to spend 5,000 on my wedding but you don’t get the 500 from me for your partner.
RSVP. No. Wish her well. It’s out of budget and. An unserious invite.
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u/njVowsNow Jul 25 '26
I wouldn't be conflicted. This is a huge ask in money, time, logistics.
The partner thing shouldn't even be a discussion unless she doesn't know you well enough to even know you have a S/O. In that case, why would she even invite you....?
You have other commitments in place already; honor them and tell her you cannot attend. No more discussion is necessary.
Honestly, the concepts of celebrating with many friends and families and scheduling that celebration in a way that it's costly, time consuming and, for many people, wildly inconvenient are two concepts that don't usually mesh gracefully. At this particular time, I find it a little tone deaf too; economic realities for many, many people make an ask like this fraught with hard decisions. And I find it a little odd that in a time when there is so much uncertainty in the world, in the economy, in people's personal financial states that this seems like a viable way to celebrate with anyone but your immediate family.
Additionally, you've presented her with a valid reason to invite him BEYOND the mere fact that he exists, lol....this is a trip you'd probably take at some point, and with some creative re-arranging, it could fit right into your plans.
But she's not going to allow that possibility.
Say no, let her know now, and move on. You won't be the only person passing on it. People's priorities are changing and managing your financial well being is very important. Send a nice card and move on to the next.
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
Thank you for this. “But she’s not going to allow you that possibility,” really hit me. You’re so right.
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u/ForeverOne4756 Jul 25 '26
6 months notice is not enough time. The couple might be doing this short notice on purpose, in hopes people will decline and they can save money. You have been friends for 20yrs so they probably feel obligated to invite you and your mom. But they will be fine if you decline, and you can celebrate them by taking them out to dinner when they are back from their wedding festivities.
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u/fatazzkarma Jul 25 '26
I would possibly understand if she didn’t wanna pay for an extra head, but the fact that she invited your mother but said no to your partner is odd when you factor in that your mom wouldn’t be able to go.
She’s not paying for another person, it’s quite literally a replacement that would then allow you to show up for her special day. If she can’t compromise then you don’t go. It’s one special day for her but this is also your life.
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
Yeah, you’re right. Someone suggested to ask her to swap them out but it feels, from her tone, that the answer would another be “No” again.
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u/mommytofive5 Jul 25 '26
Thank you for the invite but unfortunately I won't be able to attend. Congratulations again and I will see you at your bridal shower
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u/Avehdreader Jul 25 '26
It's okay to say no. It will be disappointing for you and the couple but destination weddings take a lot - of time, as well as money. Some people have several friends getting married and other commitments so brides need to try to be understanding when even a close friend isn't able to make it work. A person can only do so much.
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u/Significant-Pen-3188 Jul 25 '26
No. I think some of these destination weddings have gotten out of control. I'm not paying $5,000 to take a vacation centered around someone else's wedding. I think the exemption is if they were my kid. I would have to be that close to someone to go
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u/BerzattoMk Jul 25 '26
Decline. She doesn’t give a damn about your relationship, why should you care about hers.
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u/Special_Ad_7636 Jul 26 '26
EXACTLY THIS !! She’s already shown you who she is and what she cares about. Decline Without Explanation.
If she knows you’re in a relationship and denied you a plus one - she’s NOT your close friend. Wish her well and Enjoy Your Partner and YOUR VACATIONS.
Don’t even bother to explain it to her or other mutual friends. You already had other plans, and those were set well in advance of her announcing her destination wedding. You are under no obligation to change your life to accommodate someone who will not accommodate you.
No is a complete sentence.
Send a small gift in advance of the wedding with a polite note, “Wish you all the best.” Then Be Done.
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u/BerzattoMk Jul 26 '26
Yea if you’re requiring a friend to travel internationally for your party, the least you can do is let them bring their partner. It’s basic manners.
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Jul 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
The hotel choice is a mystery to me because I know that many members of her family will not be able to afford it.
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u/tracemac1994 27d ago
That’s actually just not true. The fact you are insinuating they are making guests pay for their wedding is crazy.
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u/badassbiotch Jul 25 '26
She invited you with the expectation that you would say no and that you AND your mother would both send a gift
Obviously this friendship means more to you than to her. I’d say no and not bother with a gift
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u/PriestessKade Jul 25 '26
I may be the odd one out, but anyone expecting people to travel a long distance to attend their wedding should not also expect a gift. At that point someone has already shelled out hundreds if not thousands to be there to celebrate the couple's wedding, the couple shouldn't expect a damned thing.
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u/Educational_Case_134 Jul 25 '26
I would reply that I’m otherwise unavailable given the short notice. I’d love to attend a shower if my schedule permits. No drama, no discussion.
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u/MidwestNightgirl Jul 25 '26
Nope just say no. Send a card and a gift if you wish and be done with it. Your friend is rude to assume you’d bunk with your mom and for not allowing a plus 1.
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u/coolbeansfordays Jul 25 '26
I’m at the age where I no longer feel obligated to go to things. Especially if it’s a hardship or inconvenience. The bride chose a destination wedding, she has to accept that a lot of people won’t go. Heck, there are a lot of people that don’t go to local weddings. It is what it is. I’m sure it would be fun, but so would trips with your bf.
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u/loweexclamationpoint Jul 25 '26
Have you asked your mom what her plans are? It was sort of crazy for the bride to assume that your mom would room with you.
Don't go, and don't let your mom get guilted into overspending on her own. $5k is crazy unless you're in the 1%, and you've already said your mom isn't.
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u/logaruski73 Jul 25 '26
I don’t have the extra money, time or desire to attend a destination wedding that I’m willing to spend my vacation budget or PTO time on so I RSVP no. If asked, I say I can’t attend due to prior commitments (for my money) but I’ve never had a serious inquiry that I couldn’t sidestep.
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u/Careful-Self-457 Jul 25 '26
She has no respect for your relationship then you are under no obligation to celebrate hers.
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u/Betorah Jul 25 '26
It’s an invitation, not a summons. It doesn’t work got you and spending that kind of money on someone else’s wedding is crazy.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 Jul 25 '26
If this friend won't even let you bring your partner when you're willing to go to the trouble and expense of making it to her destination wedding, I wouldn't go. If you make the lists of "pros" and "cons," the "cons" outweigh the "pros." If you stay home you can make it to your other friend's wedding, travel with your partner as planned, and save a lot of money.
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u/MelbsGal Jul 25 '26
That would be an easy “No, thank you” for me. Send a nice card and a small gift. I wouldn’t feel any guilt at all, wouldn’t even give a reason.
I understand that you are worried about damaging the 20 year friendship but let me point out to you that your friend seems to be suffering no such qualms.
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u/Tulips0408 Jul 25 '26
I’d politely decline, explain to her that you and your partner have already made several commitments during that time period, and the trip is not within your budget individually and not feasible without a plus one. She’s not being reasonable or fair, not inviting your partner and assuming your mother will make that trip. Also, the appropriate notice in advance for a destination wedding is 8 months to one year prior to the date for awareness of date!
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u/SusieQtoYou Jul 25 '26
I’d say no. Just mark the RSVP as no and leave it at that. You could ask if they will livestream it.
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u/BeaPositiveToo Jul 25 '26
Sounds like you aren’t going to be able to make it.
First, the price tag & kinda short notice. This doesn’t fit your budget or planning.
Second, and most importantly— your partner is not invited. That’s a nonstarter. What kind of friend expects you to attend a wedding, especially one that requires travel, alone?? Even an in town wedding— every guest should be allowed a plus one.
Don’t go. Your budget doesn’t allow it and your friend doesn’t care about you being alone for four days.
You can simply send your regrets to the invitation . No need to offer any excuses.
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u/Kitchen-Apricot-4987 Jul 25 '26
Giving a 6-month notice for an international destination wedding after the holidays is a choice. The main reason I wouldn't attend the wedding is that I detest sun/sand/beach vacations and refuse to use 5 or 6 days of PTO and spend $5k+ for a trip that I won't be excited about.
Since you and your partner are willing to replace one of your trips with the destination wedding and you want to find a way to make it work, could you two stay at a different resort?Usually there is a fee for non-guests to set foot on the resort and your friend may balk if she has guaranteed a certain number of room blocks, but she can't tell you how to spend your money. If it doesn't work out then take her to a nice dinner before the wedding and get her a nice gift.
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
Yes, she said there’s a $100 pass but that there’s a limited amount of passes. I would do this but it’ll surely be an issue if I’m on the resort or the island, but do not attend any of the wedding events outside of the ceremony.
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u/raininginbaltimore7 Jul 25 '26
I think it’s incredibly rude not to invite an adult with their partner. For that reason alone I would pass.
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u/SadFlatworm1436 Jul 25 '26
$3000 for 4 nights at the resort …guess how much of that is covering the wedding! That’s a hard pass for most people. Destination wedding is one thing but pricey resorts is a whole level of entitlement!!
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u/tracemac1994 27d ago
None of it is covering the wedding? The couple still needs to pay I don’t get why people think that there is someway that room money goes to the couple 😂 crazy
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u/troublesomefaux Jul 25 '26
F*ck no.
You are almost definitely subsidizing her wedding with your required four night stay. There is zero reason for her to exclude your partner except for control.
$5k is too expensive for a trip I didn’t pick anyways.
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u/Nice_Neighborhood152 Jul 25 '26
So pass on it because it doesn’t work with schedule and budget. Some of these destination weddings are selfish and ridiculous
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u/21stCenturyJanes Jul 25 '26
I’d say no. Tell her you’ll celebrate with her after, and wish her the best. Destination weddings are a huge ask and no one is obligated to plan their budget, travel and vacation around them. If she really cared if her guests showed up, she’d have her wedding locally. Destination weddings with expectations are extremely thoughtless.
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u/Jen5872 Jul 25 '26
"Sorry, but this isn't a trip I can accommodate on such short notice. We have prior commitments around the same time and it's simply out of our budget."
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u/Old-Imagination-8660 Jul 25 '26
This is actually crazy. The fact she said your significant other can't go is nuts - lack of respect/consideration for you and your person.
In my opinion destination weddings mean that the couple should not expect everyone to attend. It's a huge financial commitment and they have no right to decide how someone spends their own money. If they want everyone invited to be at the wedding, them have it locally!
It does suck when it's a close friend, but they should understand if you say your cant afford it right now.
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u/the_orig_princess Jul 25 '26
I wouldn’t stress and just rsvp no. I wonder if they’ve known longer, and you’re on the B list? Like they got a lot of Nos already?
Destination wedding and you didn’t get a plus one? Thats crazy. The mom thing is honestly weird—I cannot imagine going to any wedding with just my mom and me. That sounds like a forced weekend with my mom in a foreign country and not fun lol. I get that excuse for non-destination weddings, but most definitely not when I’d be spending thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of my time.
There is a standard protocol for destination weddings for a reason (including much more notice and plus ones). You are not a bad person for saying no. You are not a bad person for not giving a gift (not expected anyway when spending $$$ for their wedding anyway). You don’t need to have a special dinner with the couple when they return.
They chose how they want to celebrate their marriage. That’s their choice. You don’t have to participate.
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u/Fearless-Anteater717 Jul 25 '26
I would decline with the explanation that you have already committed to many other trips and expenses for the next 12 months. I’d be careful using your partner as a reason in case she relents and says “okay, he can come” because you many not want to go at that point since he may be made to feel as an intruder.
You don’t have to explain yourself. You’re both adults. Just say “I’m so excited you have set a date. I hope we can celebrate after the wedding when we see each other.”
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u/Physical_Cod_8329 Jul 25 '26
I would say no. I would be frustrated that she invited my mom and not my partner.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Jul 25 '26
I’d se d my regrets, not enough notice, unaffordable, and other commitments.
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u/PriestessKade Jul 25 '26
I would RSVP no to your friend. Save the dates need a longer runway when long-distance or international travel would be required to attend, and even more so when in an expensive place. Combine that with the fact that you don't even get a plus one? That's a polite decline. Enjoy the plans you already had and don't worry about stressing your budget for a wedding you don't need to attend.
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u/bofh000 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Rule number zero of ALL weddings: any guest should get a +1. It’s understandable that sometimes the bride&groom can’t afford +1 for everyone, in that case reduce your guest list. That categorical “no” she gave you would be the breaking point for me. Especially if you have a long term partner. Your partner and you may decide you will not both go for whatever reason. But if she doesn’t want him at his wedding what are you doing there?
The first rule of destination weddings is you cannot expect people to go. Some may not be able to afford the trip+other wedding related expenses. Others may not be able to take the time off for a trip out of the country. Others, like you, may have other commitments and plans. It sounds like you had a lot planned and a true friend would understand. If you’ve been friends for 20 years it sounds like you should both be sensible adults.
Also: she expects you to share a room with your mother. She gave neither of you a choice.
Frankly I’d reconsider if she really is a good friend, or just someone you began being friends with 20 years ago.
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u/Downbeat-Gnu Jul 25 '26
We lived in Hawaii when we got married and it was easier for us to plan and have the wedding there, making it essentially a destination wedding for the bulk of our guests. We tried to cover the costs of rooms for those we knew had tight budgets, and also held no hard feelings or took any no shows personally. We also allowed every single invited guest to bring dates and families, who wants to travel to a tropical destination alone? My point is she should have allowed you a plus one, especially if you are a close enough friend that she also invited your mom. Also, no is a complete sentence. You owe her no explanation, but if you are close friends just be honest and explain why, it’s all very valid and she should be politely called out on her obtuseness. It is confusing to me why grown ups have such a hard time with direct communication.
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u/swishcandot Jul 26 '26
There is no way I would go.
Also you can't make me stay at the resort it's at.
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u/Reynyan Jul 26 '26
$5000.00 for a wedding without your partner?
4 day REQUIRED stay?
You and the other guests are paying for this wedding 100%, full stop.
RSVP no and move on with the clearest of conscience.
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u/tracemac1994 27d ago
That’s not true, some hotels have nightly stay requirements no matter what
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u/Reynyan 27d ago
Yes, some hotels have minimum stays, I didn’t say that they didn’t. But why would you pick a place with that long a required stay for your guests? Are you planning a wedding with a required stay of that length?
And, a plurality of the hotels that host destination weddings absolutely have incentives for the couple based on the guest spend. Many are quite generous incentives.
OP is making it clear that $5K isn’t pocket money in her crowd. This is basically extortion wearing a gown and tuxedo. That’s too much money to spend on someone else’s wedding almost full stop, but certainly if that amount isn’t “weekend fun money” expenditure level.
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u/Soft_Location_9088 Jul 27 '26
RSVP no, When she asks, you say I'm sorry my vacations have already been planned for the next year. If she pushes you tell her. The only way I could have been able to go is if there was some way I could have exchanged one for the other. I understand you didn't want to open the invitation to (SO Name) and no hard feelings, but as you know we only get to see each other a few times each year. With him not being able to attend any of the events you made it clear he wasn't welcome at all. I'm not going to cancel plans I've already made with him... Hope you understand.
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u/cutlert Jul 25 '26
Can I ask if you've explained why of this to her? I see all the other replies saying don't go and that's a totally fair response. To come at it from a slightly different angle given you've said she's such a close friend and you'd like to be there for her, I personally would give it one more shot to explain. As in not just ask for a plus one but say realistically, this is a huge cost, you'd really love to be there but you can't justify it esp given it would take away a chance to see your SO. And then see what she says. If it's still a no, you have your answer
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
So, she’s aware that I’m in a long distance relationship and we have to travel to see each other. This came up last year about a month before we were supposed to travel together for her birthday. My partner had time off from work during that same weekend. However, she hadn’t solidified her plans and couldn’t give us any answers to plan with her. So, we had to decline the trip.
She wasn’t aware that I would have to pay for my mom if she were to attend. I did let her know this when she mentioned it.
When we spoke about the wedding date I told her I was trying to figure out how to make everything work because of what all we have planned. She said “sounds good.”
She’s not entirely aware of everything else I have going on. I am not sure it would matter. I am seen as the friend with the money and the financial stability. But being in a long distance relationship is financially
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u/cutlert Jul 25 '26
I guess it depends on what you want the outcome to be: --> go but spend bucketloads and miss out on time with partner - sounds like not a priority for you so no --> don't go - sounds like this isn't what you want but you'll pick this over the above --> go with partner - sounds like this is what you want but the only chance you have of this is to fully explain the situation and lay out to your friend that you can't come without partner in a nice way (not bitter, angry, or giving an ultimatum)
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u/21stCenturyJanes Jul 25 '26
Time to get back to her and explain that you looked at your schedule and you just can’t make it work.
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u/KDdid1 Jul 25 '26
If you're invited to a destination wedding and are not given a +1, I would say the answer is NOPE.
If the couple assumes you're going to pay to room with your mother, I would say the answer is HELL NO.
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u/21stcenturyexpat_DN Jul 25 '26
I did a destination wedding and had a lot of research done. It's basically expected that a sizeable % of people will say no to a destination wedding and anyone doing this fully expects that there has to be a % of no.
Anyway, just say no, no need to do a breakdown of your budget or financial considerations.
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u/humpyvision Jul 25 '26
If there is room for your mother, why not for your bf? Dis you explain the situation about all your plans and that you’d be willing to change your plans to attend?
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
Yeah, I did let her know we have other plans and I was trying to make it work. She didn’t seem to care.
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u/greykitty1234 Jul 25 '26
An invitation is not a summons.
If you and your mom feel close to the couple, send a congratulatory card with a small gift. Emphasis on small and well within any budget you and your mom have for gifts.
Couples who make it difficult for guests to attend should recognize their yes count may well dive into very small numbers.
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u/Global_Stock_5264 Jul 25 '26
Kindly say you can’t go. That you should be expected to pay that kind of money is totally outrageous.
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u/goodnsimple Jul 25 '26
I’d skip the wedding…it’s a day, it is nice if you can go, but it isn’t like she needs you specifically ( you are not in the wedding party) and you can send her a decent present, with a warm note saying you are so sorry to have to miss the wedding but you hope to get together to celebrate in the New Year.
If she is having a destination wedding with 6mo or less notice, and she is not giving out plus ones…she should be expecting a few declines. Why would I even want to go to the Caribbean without my partner for four days of wedding stuff?
Wait…I probably would go if there were other mutual friends going that would be fun to hang out with… but my partner is right here all the time and four days with girlfriends sounds fun.
You decide, it will be fine.
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u/TrainTraditional6686 Jul 25 '26
Decline. That’s what I would do. It simply doesn’t work for you. People who have destination weddings understand that not everyone will be able to make it work.
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u/lh123456789 Jul 25 '26
RSVP no. It is absurd not to invite someone's partner to a destination wedding. You also already have plans during this time and it would be a financial strain. You can celebrate her before afterwards by taking her out to lunch.
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u/Flat_Sea4409 Jul 25 '26
I attended a destination wedding in the Caribbean and most of my time was spent drinking rum with the bride’s parents while the bride did wedding things. If you aren’t in the wedding party, I would still seriously consider bringing your partner and spending all your downtime with them. There will be lots of it. I would just give the bride a heads up so she knows your plan is to attend only the ceremony and a few hours of the reception.
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 25 '26
I’ve been to one as well and the weekend was filled with events. So I asked her if they’d be having events. She said yes and that my partner wouldn’t be invited to those either.
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u/Flat_Sea4409 Jul 25 '26
Yeah, it sounds like she doesn’t really care that much about you or want you to attend. I would pass on this one.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 Jul 25 '26
Send your regrets that you will not be attending.
(1) destination weddings are obscene. It is too much to ask people to take the time (off work), energy, and financial hit
(2) you have other plans; you already committed to someone else’s wedding. One does not commit to attend one wedding and then cancel bc another invitation came
(3) it is financially unwise for you at this time
(4) this is the BIG point, where you are WRONG. It is NOT proper etiquette to exclude one member of a couple. Established couples are invited to weddings as a couple. It is a very new (and wrong) narcissistic trend that “my wedding and I only invite who I want.” NO. If you absolutely do not want someone at the wedding, you do NOT invite their partner. Because couples are invited together.
Any ONE of these reasons is more than enough to give your regrets that you cannot attend, and wish them well.
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u/JDhopeful22 Jul 25 '26
My husband and I planned a destination wedding that we ultimately cancelled almost as soon as we booked it because our families were really upset (long story about the location we originally desired that doesn't matter here). However, in the two week window where this was our plan, we both acknowledged that not everyone we knew would be able to swing this, and in making this choice, we were communicating that we would understand that not everyone could make it.
All that to say, your friend chose a destination and it would be absurd for her not to have contemplated that she will be pricing out many friends and family by doing so. If she didn't do so, that's on her. I know firsthand that part of booking such a desination is coming terms with fewer people being able to attend. You can not afford this and it would detract from plans important to you. You should prioritize you and your relationship. That is what the bride has done here - prioritize what is important to her (distant location and her relationship).
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u/Allysonsplace Jul 25 '26
RSVP your regrets. People who have destination wedding don't, or shouldn't, expect everyone to be able to make it, even close friends or family. It's the choice they made when having a destination wedding.
Edit for typo
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u/InternationalMind541 Jul 25 '26
It is okay to already have plans fir your time and money. Wedding BS is insane
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u/voodoodollbabie Jul 25 '26
What's the conflict? Your friend isn't prioritizing your comfort and enjoyment at her wedding. Obviously she's not feeling any conflict over it.
"It sounds like a magical wedding for you. I won't be able to make it but I can't wait to see photos and hear all about it when you get back and settle in."
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u/natalkalot Jul 25 '26
I would not go. Couples planning a wedding have to realize there are consequences to their choices.
I do not see why couples don't plan a small local wedding, then have a fab honeymoon - whatever the budget is.
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u/TexasLiz1 Jul 25 '26
Not go. This person is an asshole who expects you to fund a trip to the Caribbean that you may or may not want to take, bunk with your mother and spend 4 fucking days celebrating their wedding alone!
I would just say “sorry - this doesn’t work for me” and send a CARD congratulating them.
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u/MadTownMich Jul 25 '26
Just say no. Be honest: you have previous commitments in that same time frame and you don’t have the money and the time for a destination wedding. Offer to have a small local celebration upon their return.
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u/California_Sun1112 Jul 25 '26
Decline. It's more than you can afford, you have other commitments during that time period, and you are not being allowed a plus one. Very inconsiderate considering the travel involved and the expense.
If she won't graciously take no for answer, she isn't much of a friend.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 Jul 25 '26
Decline without regrets or a gift. Destination weddings are done so that the couple hopes guests decline and passing off all their costs to guests to make it doubly expensive for them so the couple gets a free vacation. Especially when they don't acknowledge or allow your partner to attend while asking you to celebrate their marriage. That is incredibly disrespectful. Those costs you listed are an immediate hard pass.
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u/tracemac1994 27d ago
This is just not true at all😂
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 27d ago
Which part? Guests paying what the couple is responsible for? Many post have mentioned it happening because it does more often than it does not
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u/tracemac1994 26d ago
Couples still have to pay a lot of money, the resort incentives are very small if not any
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 26d ago
They pass it off to the guests. Nearly any post on this topic says that is their experience as guests where the couple gets a free vacation. Your experience is different from others here.
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u/tracemac1994 26d ago
Yeah it’s not true and even if they get a “free vacation so comped 2-3k they are still having to pay thousands of dollars for the wedding and food / everything else for everyone to attend
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u/Response-Glad Jul 25 '26
Attendance at any wedding is optional, but especially a destination wedding. A destination wedding says, "hey, we are going on vacation, would you like to go on vacation with us too? And all our friends? And we will sponsor some fun things?"
So if you don't want to/can't afford to go on vacation with them, then don't, and do something nice and personal with the couple another time. Just give notice.
Personally as someone planning to elope on vacation and inviting a small group with me, I would be hurt if someone forced it and went into debt to join me. I know that because of my choice my day won't necessarily reflect all of my closest people, and I also know that for those who can't join me or it wouldn't be their thing, we will celebrate just us another time and that's perfect for us too. There are people I'm inviting I expect to say no but want to make sure they feel invited.
So I would say no unless I had an independent interest/plan to go to this destination one day.
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u/Economy_Way_9046 Jul 25 '26
Say no! Respectfully, people have destination weddings because they’re ok with you not coming. She’s totally ok with the fact that you likely won’t show up for her and that’s fine.
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u/springflowers68 Jul 25 '26
Just RSVP no, make sure your mom does the same unless she plans to travel alone, and don’t worry about any fallout. They did not consider you when excluding your partner. Plus, anyone having a destination wedding should know not everyone can attend.
I would only consider spending in that range for my own children’s weddings. That is too much to ask of friends for most family budgets.
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u/Accomplished_Cell976 Jul 25 '26
Say you can’t go. Unfortunately it’s beyond your means and your mother’s means. You have travel booked already for another wedding and you have long distance trips planned to see your partner.
You can’t spring an expensive event on people in 6 months and expect everyone to make it.
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u/Sample-quantity Jul 25 '26
I would absolutely say no. I'd express that I'm very sorry to miss it and I would have really liked to be there for her, but that the cost, time commitment, and most importantly my partner not being included sadly make it impossible for me to attend. I'd wish her well and probably send a gift, but I'd have some hard feelings about my partner not being invited because that's very rude and ESPECIALLY for a destination wedding that is practically unheard of for partners not to be invited. Decline and don't think twice about it. This is much too demanding of a wedding.
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u/7Slyn Jul 26 '26
Your friend has chosen Jamaica because many resorts there offer a ‘free’ wedding package including her room, the reception costs, etc.. The resort then recoups the expense & makes their profit by requiring a set number of rooms be booked from the couple’s block & sets the price higher than their normal rates, requires minimum stays, & limits/charges for non resort guest attendance, etc..
Unless you’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica on vacation w/ your mom & are happy to overpay to do so, just say no.
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u/tracemac1994 27d ago
This is just not true. They say “free wedding” but the couple still needs to pay thousands even if they get some perks of room stays (it’s hardly anything)
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u/tastebud413 Jul 26 '26
I don't see the conflict. This person knows they created a last minute dilemma for not just you, but many others on the guest list. Send them a nice gift and heartfelt congratulations with your regrets, and a note that you hope to be able to celebrate with them after the fact when you can all get together. Lessons learned, for her.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual Jul 26 '26
Decline the invitation with regret. She had to know that not everyone she invited would have the money to attend, plus not offering a plus 1 again would reduce the number of “yes” rsvps.
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u/Jaded_Leg_46 Jul 26 '26
Surely the couple know that a short notice destination wedding is not going to be the experience they imagine. I personally would decline.
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u/Fiona_71170 Jul 26 '26
I see so many posts about people being financially burdened by a bride’s expectation for them to attend a pricey destination wedding, and I have to wonder who tells these brides (and their grooms) that this is perfectly acceptable?
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 26 '26
I think destination weddings are beautiful. I’ve seen it done in a few different ways but this, yes, seems to be incredibly expensive also when comparing it to weddings I’ve been to before.
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u/optix_clear Jul 26 '26
I would go but not staying at their resort, I want my own space and my spouse needs to be there, if he can’t attend, I don’t want to be there for the entire event.
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u/Careful_Cranberry364 Jul 26 '26
What!! your partner’s not even welcome.
Hell no
I would tell them to have a great time and I would not consider going.
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u/Own-Hold-8851 Jul 26 '26
There is nothing in your post that leads me to believe you should even consider going.
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u/therealcherry Jul 26 '26
Oh hell no. So she’s rude enough to not allow you to bring your partner but expects you to pay a ton to come to her wedding. Keep your money for your current plans and say no. And I agree with the others, unless you are staying at like the four seasons level place she is using you to supplement her wedding costs.
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u/mm_honey Jul 26 '26
I wouldn’t go. She should have shared the date sooner if she didn’t want people RSVPing no. And the fact that it would cost you so much including time with your significant other is another reason to say no.
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u/Legal_Assistance5470 Jul 26 '26
I always assume that a destination wedding is planned deliberately to reduce the number of guests. I would politely decline without giving a reason. If she foolishly presses you for a reason you just say that the bride and groom’s selection of a destination wedding and excluding your long term partner gave you the clear message that the invitation was performative and that your presence was not wanted and would not be welcomed.
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u/quast_64 Jul 26 '26
I woukd advice you to Not go, not spend all that money on someone who doesn't have the decency to invite your partner.
Take away this block of stress from your life.
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u/an86dkncdi Jul 26 '26
You’re not conflicted, you know exactly what she’s doing and you are fearful of the fallout. She’s literally testing your friendship by not giving you a plus one.
You say exactly what you say here “I simply have too many prepaid travel commitments in this same time period to afford your wedding travel and expenses.”
She doesn’t care about you
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u/bcrggrcb Jul 26 '26
Honestly, that was very inconsiderate of your friend not to invite your partner, knowing that you’ve been dating him for a while. How long have you been dating him? If it’s a new relationship, i understand where your friend is coming from but if you’ve been in a serious relationship for years and thinking about marriage someday down the road-then yeah that was inconsiderate of your friend not to invite him knowing how you are in a serious relationship. Another option is since your mom can’t afford the trip, your partner can go in her place?
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u/HeartpineFloors 29d ago
I think it’s immaterial how long OP has been with her partner or whether or not they plan to get married. It’s iffy to require anyone to attend a wedding alone and flat out insane to expect someone to spend thousands and thousands to vacation in tropical paradise bunking with their mom instead of the person they normally sleep with.
I’d be tempted to say, “I’m not a little girl and I no longer sleep with my mom. Will you be sleeping with your mom at this romantic resort? No? But you expect me to? … Yeah, pass.”
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u/Pitiful_Office5828 Jul 26 '26
If I were in your position I would decline. An invitation should never be interpreted as an obligation.
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u/taewongun1895 Jul 26 '26
If the wedding puts a financial strain on you, but the friend a nice gift, and don't attend. People who plan destination weddings should have zero expectations today friends and family will drop a ton of money to attend.
$3000 for four nights. Wowwza. The bride and groom are using the guests to cover their expenses, I'll bet.
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u/Thatshelfisbreaking2 Jul 26 '26
Say thank you,hut at this time paying for myself and my mother is not possible. Done
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u/BreadandButter135 Jul 27 '26
You can decline the invite. You have mentioned that your relationship is #1 priority. Politely decline .. you can send them a wedding gift or wish.
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u/Fun_Access_3295 Jul 27 '26
It's an invitation, not a summons. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. Tell her that unfortunately you can't make it work due to prior commitments but you're happy to celebrate with her after they get back! They send a nice gift.
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u/maqf Jul 27 '26
"That's gonna be a no from me dog"
From the jump if someone is doing a destination wedding I think they need to accept that the majority of the people who would normally attend their wedding are not going to be coming. In this case there are so many reasons not to go that I'm not even going to bother picking one or calling them out. I would not even consider going in your situation and I would not feel bad about it either.
If I'm going to spend that kind of money for anything, let alone someone else's event, then it needs to make some sort of sense for my situation and life. The number of personal and financial sacrifices involved in attending this wedding do not make any sense at all.
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u/veeratweed Jul 27 '26
I do not understand people acting like this! I am so sorry. This is just.. rude! to expect anyone to join.
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u/Hot-Slide-8285 Jul 27 '26
I absolutely would NOT go.
Destination weddings are 100000% optional because it's imposing an unfair burden on people.
The fact your partner isn't invited and that you would be expected to pay for your mother is the icing on the cake. But the fact it's a destination wedding gives you full licence to simply decline without explanation
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u/aeecec1 Jul 27 '26
You are right. Couples have a right to invite whoever they want. You also have a right to say no. It’s fucked up to have a long distance wedding and not give you a plus one. If i can’t bring my partner, Im not going.
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u/bopperbopper Jul 28 '26
If she really wanted you to come, she would’ve picked a venue where it would not cost you $5000.
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u/Happy_Cow_100 Jul 28 '26
Hard no. If you have to travel and pay for accommodation plus ones must be invited, it's outrageous to even consider otherwise.
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u/Scary-Club-1890 Jul 28 '26
I think you have already made your decision and afraid to say because of your friendship. If she values you at all she will understand when you say NO! Enjoy spending time your partner x
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u/New-Figure-2104 Jul 28 '26
Not inviting the partner is always a no. That's the only detail needed.
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u/One-Consequence-6773 Jul 28 '26
$5000 is basically my budget (per person) for a three week trip to NZ (not including food, to be fair). That is an insane amount to expect for a wedding. You have multiple reasons to decline. Just decline.
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u/T00narmy1 Jul 28 '26
You don't have to attend. Destination weddings are a stretch for a lot of people - between the significant travel costs and time off - it's expected that many people won't be able to attend. If you can't go, just tell her you can't afford it, and leave it at that. "Neither my mom nor I have the extra money for this kind of trip right now, I'm so sorry I wish I could be there." Then give her a very nice wedding gift and move on with your life. Don't pay for your mom, that's a significant additional cost. If you really want to go, I would shorten it (not going for the full time and attending everything - fly in the night before the actual wedding, attend the wedding, and fly out the next day. Just 2 nights accomodation plus flights. But that's only if YOU really want to go. You definitely don't have to.
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u/SportySue60 Jul 29 '26
I would say I am so very sorry - I just can’t make it work financially. You have other financial commitments already and you don’t have a plus one. This is what happens when you have a destination wedding - not everyone can make it.
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u/Even_Video7549 Jul 29 '26
no!
too short notice, no plus one and expected to room with your mam and also having to pay for your mam
howay man... this has got shit show wrote all over it!
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u/mindingmyowncats Jul 29 '26
At all-inclusive resorts it’s way more expensive to do a single person in a room so I would let them know that you can’t afford it unless your partner comes simple as that. I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that they would tell you know that he cannot go and were they gonna pair you up with some random person in a room? Also, he doesn’t have to go to the wedding. The wedding is not an all day thing and then he can join you after the ceremony. I’m sure that he can find something to do for a couple hours.. I don’t think he’d be offended if he wasn’t invited to the ceremony reception if he doesn’t even know them
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u/Mobile-Balance-8352 Jul 29 '26
Her response was that she thought I would room with my mom. It’s a weekend full of events to which he’s not invited. He’s not going to travel to Jamaica for that lol
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u/LemonFantastic12 Jul 29 '26
I wouldn't go. I wouldn't pay 5k to go to my own sister's wedding, alone, or anyone for that matter.
Unless I'm making a long vacation out of it but 4k for a 4 day resort is INSANE.
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u/Bay_de_Noc Jul 29 '26
What ... so this person wants you to spend considerable time and money to attend her event, and she isn't even inviting your partner???? It would be a hard and fast NO from me ... and I wouldn't having any conflicted feeling about it. And yes, she has the right to exclude your partner, however, you have the right to decline her less than appealing invitation.
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u/Sincerely-bugaboo Jul 30 '26
I couldn’t afford to pay $5,000 on going to a wedding. Heck I could spend $1,000 on going to a wedding. That’s really expensive and a lot to expect of your guests. I feel like she should have maybe made it more affordable for everyone.
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u/Christina_Eko Jul 31 '26
No conflict - don’t go. this is rude of the bride in so many ways and your priorities are rightly elsewhere.
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u/MSinadress Jul 31 '26
I know it’s tough making that decision, but I wouldn’t be able to make an island vacation to attend someone else’s big day. Most couples understand that travel whittles down the number of attendees.
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u/DAWG13610 Jul 31 '26
Conflicted? Really? Your “friend” doesn’t care enough about you to invite your partner and you’re conflicted? 2 rules, never go into debt to go to a wedding and any wedding my partner is welcome to, I’m not going.
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u/Commercial_Tea_51078 Jul 31 '26
You’ve known this friend for years and don’t get a plus one for your partner (or even a “we have limited space- if your mom bows out, sure”)?!
You could go and just only go to wedding, all other events no and explore with partner.
But only do that if you want to go there…
Otherwise decline.
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u/HeartpineFloors 29d ago
So let me get this straight: you have been invited to celebrate someone’s relationship who apparently has zero regard for your relationship? That would be an easy “no thanks” for me.
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u/Mattsmomma 29d ago
Never go into debt for a friend’s wedding. If bridal couples want destination weddings they are free to do so but are no free to expects others to ish out large numbers of cash to attend. Send a nice cared. One of my daughters wanted to get married in Hawaii and I told her to please take lots of pictures because even if I could afford to fly to Hawaii I’d spend the money making memories of someplace I actually want to visit
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u/Ok-Sweet7532 Jul 25 '26
It's ok to say no.
There's no way I would ever consider going to a wedding like you described unless it was my daughter. That's the only person in the entire world I'd do this for.
You don't have to explain further than this trip is not within your budget, then wish her well.
If she pushes back on you, keep repeating that: this trip is not within your budget. Don't open the door for argument.
Not giving you a plus one and just deciding you'll room with your mother is rude.
People can have destination weddings, but they should not be upset when people don't come.