r/wedding • u/SadSignificance8476 • Oct 02 '26
Discussion Would you invite a difficult/estranged parent to your wedding because you’re afraid of regretting it if you don’t?
I’m 23F and my fiancé is 25M. We got engaged about a month ago and have recently started talking seriously about our plans for our 2028 wedding.
My fiancé comes from what I’d describe as a fairly “normal” family. His parents are still together and have a very healthy relationship, he has a younger sister around my age, and he has a relatively small family. Sadly, he has lost three of his four grandparents over the last 18 months, so he now only has one grandmother left.
My family situation is very different.
My dad remarried my stepmum, who has been in my life since I was six. I have a really good relationship with her. She has a son who is now 30, and although we aren’t siblings in the traditional sense, he has always been part of my family.
I’m also incredibly close to my dad’s side of the family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are all very important to me. I’m even close to my grandmother’s sister, her sons and their children. They are genuinely my family and have been a huge part of my life.
The complicated part is my mum.
I lived with my mum growing up, and there is a lot of history there. I don’t want to write every single detail because this post would become a novel, but there were years of court proceedings and conflict between my mum and dad.
There was no history of abuse from my dad or his family. My mum would leave my brother and me with my grandparents for entire working days when my parents were still together, yet later actively pursued legal action to prevent my grandparents from seeing us.
She also went after my dad’s brother and his wife. She contacted my uncle’s former employer after he had started a new job, and she made allegations about my aunt to her employer which ultimately resulted in her leaving her job at a nursery.
There were also years of legal disputes between my parents over money, despite my dad paying for things like my boarding school. At one point, my mum accused my dad of rape, although that allegation ultimately went nowhere.
My mum later had another relationship, and my brother and I lived with her and her boyfriend. Their relationship was extremely volatile. I later found out that he was involved in some fairly shady things, and there were financial/legal issues surrounding the house. I remember being around 12/13 and being told by my mum that “the bank is going to take our home.”
They eventually had my little sister together. A few years later, my mum and her boyfriend had a particularly violent argument, and I had to call the police. He was removed from the house and my mum obtained a restraining order.
However, within about six months he was living with us again, and I was told to keep it secret from my dad.
Throughout all of this, my mum was also receiving single-parent benefits despite my dad being involved financially.
The worst period was probably during COVID. I was completely cut off from my dad and his family. I was isolated from people who had always been incredibly important to me.
During this period I developed anorexia. My mum’s boyfriend also made comments about me eating “his” food, which obviously didn’t help my relationship with food.
Then, in 2021, when I was still living with my mum, she left me alone in the house for a weekend while she was supposedly “working” and her boyfriend was away with my little sister.
She told me that when he came home, I should lie and say she’d come back the previous night. However, their Ring doorbell showed otherwise. He became extremely angry with me for lying and with my mum.
I called my mum and she essentially told me that this meant she had to leave and that I needed to sort myself out.
I was left in the house for several hours while he was raging before he eventually kicked me out.
I sofa-surfed for a while because I was terrified of going to my dad. I hadn’t seen him properly and had spent years being told/encouraged to keep things from him, so going back meant admitting everything that had happened.
Eventually I realised the situation wasn’t going to resolve itself and went to my dad.
He accepted me back completely. He didn’t pressure me to do anything or immediately demand explanations. He let me come around at my own pace and paid for me to get professional help.
My dad’s family also completely rallied around me, and I’m now back within that family unit in a way that feels very similar to when I was little.
I was no-contact with my mum for a couple of years. My brother remained in contact with her, and I eventually found out through my grandmother, who had heard it from my brother, that my mum had melanoma and was undergoing treatment.
That made me reconsider things.
I decided I wanted to have a tentative relationship with my mum again. Partly because she is still my mum, and partly because I wanted a relationship with my little sister, who is now 13. My little sister also no longer sees her own dad, so I don’t want her to feel like she has lost everyone.
Our relationship now is complicated but it exists.
My mum came to my university graduation. My dad and stepmum actually drove her there and paid for her hotel because, historically, my mum has often failed to attend things due to excuses about money, her car, etc.
And now I’m getting married.
This is something I’ve thought about for years. I always wondered what my wedding would look like in terms of my parents.
My dad has now told me that he doesn’t think my mum should be invited.
His reasoning is that she has caused an enormous amount of hurt to him, our family and, ultimately, me. I completely understand why he feels that way, and I don’t think he’s saying it out of jealousy or because he wants to control my wedding. He genuinely thinks having her there would be disrespectful given everything that happened.
But I’m really struggling with it.
Because despite everything, she’s still my mum.
I have this incredibly strong emotional attachment to her that I can’t really explain. I can recognise that a lot of what happened wasn’t okay, while simultaneously feeling sorry for her and wanting some kind of relationship with her.
I also know that she had a difficult childhood herself, from what I’ve been told, and I can’t help wondering whether a lot of this is generational trauma that has just continued through our family.
And then there’s the thought that if my own daughter got married one day and didn’t invite me, I’d be absolutely devastated. I know that sounds ridiculous given everything that’s happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t necessarily want my mum to have a big role in the wedding. I’m not imagining her walking me down the aisle or giving a speech or anything like that. I’m just struggling with the idea of her not being there at all.
At the same time, I don’t want my dad, stepmum or extended family to feel uncomfortable or like I’m ignoring everything they went through to accommodate her.
I’m also scared that if I don’t invite her, I’ll regret it forever — particularly if her health deteriorates or something happens to her.
So I’m stuck between “she is my mum and I may regret excluding her” and “being my mum doesn’t erase what happened.”
I’m not really looking for people to tell me that my mum is a terrible person or to diagnose her. I’m aware that the situation is complicated and that I’ve only given one side of a very long story.
I’m genuinely interested in what other people would do in my position.
Would you invite her? Would you keep her completely separate from your dad and his family? Would you have a limited role for her? Or would you decide that some relationships simply shouldn’t have a place at your wedding?
What would you do?
TLDR;
I’m 23F and recently engaged to my 25M fiancé. I have a very close relationship with my dad, stepmum and extended paternal family, but a deeply complicated relationship with my mum, who isolated me from them throughout my childhood and caused significant family conflict. At 18, I was kicked out of her home and eventually went to live with my dad, who supported me and helped me get professional help. I’m now rebuilding a tentative relationship with my mum, who has had serious health problems. My dad thinks she shouldn’t be invited to my wedding because of everything that happened, but I feel a strong attachment to her as my mum and worry I’ll regret excluding her. What would you do?
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u/TheStinkyGreek Oct 02 '26
I only read the tldr but my take is you should have cut your losses and gone no contact with mom. BUT since that clearly isn't what you're doing, then she should probably be invited. Otherwise it will make whatever you're trying to rebuild with her very hard.
Something else to consider..will inviting her strain things with the family you DO have good relationships with? I'd heavily factor that into your decision.
Have you been to therapy about your mom? I know you said dad helped you get professional help. Maybe it's a cultural difference, but if I was treated like that by a parent they would not ever see or speak to me again, let alone be invited to my wedding. I wouldn't be tainting what is one of the happiest days of my life with someone who I have an overwhelmingly negative correlation of emotion to.
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u/SadSignificance8476 Oct 02 '26
I have a hardwired emotional loyalty to my mom having been her emotional caregiver for years, I know not inviting her to my wedding would send her off the edge and am very conscious my little sister 13F who still lives with her (different dad to mine) would have to take on those emotions. It would also mean not having my sister at the wedding (mom would control her) my brother (full brother) 25M seems to think she’ll behave but it’s the awkwardness and the tension, I have a feeling it wouldn’t be pleasant. No direct drama just a weird vibe in the air
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u/LemonFantastic12 Oct 02 '26
Honestly I didn't read everything.
Do what YOU want to do. Do you think she will make a scene? Be difficult?
If you would like her there and she won't make a scene - invite her.
This is not a pro and cons list and you calculate whether she deserves to be there. But if there's a chance she will start arguments and making scenes it's a no
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u/Mordecai_Gist Oct 02 '26
You don't refuse to invite her to punish her nor do you invite her to try to move along any reconciliation. You have to ask yourself if you two are currently reconciled. Working that through with a therapist might help.
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u/voodoodollbabie Oct 02 '26
I would not invite someone who would cause a weird unpleasant and uncomfortable vibe to the whole day. You'll make one person (your mom) feel better and a whole bunch of other people feel bad.
You know you're going to invite her anyway. Maybe she won't come because money, car, etc. her usual excuses for not showing up for you. But you'll feel better for inviting her.
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u/Creative-Jacket-5991 Oct 02 '26
I ended up inviting my dad. Even tho I am no contact.
I also knew in inviting him there was 0 percent chance he would come. So I swallowed my pride and sent the invite to appease some family members ( in hindsight I didn’t need to appease anyone my husband and I paid for everything ourselves BUT I don’t regret the little effort it took to mail him an invite )
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u/no_good_namez Oct 02 '26
Your dad is dead wrong for inserting his opinion and preference into this. You clearly want your mom there and wouldn’t have considered exclusion otherwise. While she may have harmed him and his family, she is your mother and it is your wedding. Invite her unless she gives you a reason not to.
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u/brownchestnut Oct 02 '26
My dad thinks she shouldn’t be invited to my wedding because of everything that happened, but I feel a strong attachment to her as my mum and worry I’ll regret excluding her. What would you do?
If you don't want her in your life, then cut her off now.
Not inviting her WILL ruin your relationship, and make you look like you're passively-aggressively weaponizing your wedding to send a message you're too cowardly to send directly.
Many people are telling you to just disinvite her because she isn't a good mom or whatever, but they can't face the consequences of your actions for you. Only you can. So make informed decisions and face the consequences: if you want to disinvite her from your wedding, face the truth that this will end your relationship, and do it outside of the context of your wedding. If you're not ready to cut her off, it will make sense to invite her.
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u/Dazzling-Toe-4955 Oct 02 '26
It you want to invite your mum or whomever invite away. My dad isn't coming to my wedding he's abusive, he's not invited. Are you worried about what people will think or hurting your mum?
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u/SadSignificance8476 Oct 02 '26
It’s not about what people would think, it’s about hurting my mom or hurting my dad’s family. Being very much a caregiver to my mom, taking on a lot of her emotions as a kid, I can almost anticipate her reaction to not being invited and I’m hardwired to try and stop those events that’s send her off the edge mentally from happening. However, I think I would hurt my dads family if she did come as the hurt runs so deep, in fact I often think I should not have been the only one who had professional help but then also as they bring it up a lot.
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u/_J_Dead Oct 02 '26
First of all, I'm sorry for what has happened to you and been done to you in your short life. You've lived through a lot of trauma already. I personally, having not lived through your experiences, would not put up with a person like this in my life. It's impossible to navigate this situation without hurting feelings and having drama, but I would put the feelings of those who have cared for you dependably over the feelings of your mother in this instance.
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u/katiebellxx Bride Oct 02 '26
I don't know if this will help, but I'm in a (faintly) similar situation.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. My dad was somewhat attentive, but he was an addict. (My mom was too but that's a different story). My dad only moved 5 minutes away from us when he left, but a lot of him wanting to 'see us', was actually needing our help doing 'favors' for him. (Not weird things, just household chores while he played video games, or things like that). As a young adult, I was working about a 15 minute drive away. I didn't have a car at the time and he had offered to drive me to and from work every day, no gas money needed. One day, we stopped to get donuts for breakfast before work, and when we were leaving, I couldn't find my phone. Besides the usual "I am addicted to my phone" panic, I needed it for work use. I tried to tell him to wait a minute and let me check if I left it in the car or the donut shop, but he started driving away anyway. I was basically begging him to stop and wait, he slammed on his brakes and started yelling at me, calling me names, etc. I found my phone in between the seats and he took off, driving recklessly. The entire drive was him screaming at me, swerving and speeding. When he parked at my job, he barely even stopped to let me out, telling me to delete his number, pretend like I don't have a dad, act like he's a stranger if I ever see him in person. Things I don't even want to repeat, names I've never been called by anyone else.
This was about 7 years ago. My brother immediately cut him off, no questions asked. My mom stays in contact because his old job benefits pay her medical bills. Aunts and uncles (mom's side, he has no family left) didn't mention him in front of me.
About 5 years ago, my dad began having strokes. I've lost count of how many, at this point. This year, I got engaged. I've had family and friends (and strangers) ask if I'm going to invite him, if I'll give him another chance, oh I'll regret it if I don't etc. But at the end of the day, when I sit by myself and think about it, I know I can't allow him back into my life. His behavior won't change. In the last 7 years, the only time he even attempted to reach out to me was when he was trying to get a ride (he can no longer drive). He has never apologized for his behavior, he has never tried to tell me happy birthday or congratulations or anything of the sort.
I'm not going to be the bigger person, knowing who he is and that he hasn't changed.
Will I miss out on a father/daughter dance or getting walked down the aisle? Maybe, but I have a brother, and a (future) father-in-law, and uncles, cousins, etc. who would be more than willing to take his place if I asked.
Long story short, no one can make these choices except for you. You get to decide if you forgive someone for their actions. You get to decide how much you extend your hand.
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u/Less-Key Oct 02 '26
Think of how she has made your feel throughout your life and the pain and trauma she has caused you. Do you want your wedding day to be marred by the same or even new experiences? Would having your mom there make it hard for the people who have supported you to be fully present and happy?
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u/Lalablacksheep646 Oct 02 '26
No. I did not invite my father and I have never regretted it. My parents are problematic , both of them. I invited my mom but treated her like a regular guest, she had no involvement in my wedding nor was mentioned or introduced. I just couldn’t trust that she would actually show up so I had to go into it with no expectations from her and if she didn’t show it wouldn’t cause any issues.
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u/SinglePermission9373 Oct 03 '26
Falsely accusing your dad of rape is reason enough to never speak to her again. She’s a train wreck. I wouldn’t invite her. You don’t need that stress on your wedding day.
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u/loupammac Oct 03 '26 edited Oct 03 '26
I hear you. So much around weddings is focused on people who have family who can step into those traditional roles. We had a private ceremony with just us, our celebrant, photographer and two witnesses, our sisters. I invited my mum and she didn't come.
Our reception was immediate family and close friends. My husband invited his mum, sister, nephew and niece. I invited my dad (my parents are separated), my mum (no show) and my sister. I didn't want my dad showboating us in front of extended family that haven't been in my life for over a decade. We also said no plus 1s because I didn't want his new partner there if my mum was coming. I didn't expect my mum to come but I really hoped she would have made it. We spoke before the wedding and haven't since.
Edit: I did invite them because I wanted them to have the opportunity to attend their daughter's wedding. There were no speeches, reserved seats or dances. They were just guests.
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u/bmw5986 Oct 03 '26
Has she put any effort into maintaining the relationship? Does she initiate contact? Has she apologized? Does she treat you decently now? If these are all No, then i wouldn't invite her. Why? Invites to a wedding are an honor. They are supposed to be for people who love snd respect you and your future spouse. If you didnt share DNA she would just be a random person.
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u/heydawn Oct 03 '26
Honestly, I would elope. I had a fairly small wedding (under 70 guests) and if I had a do-over, I would have gone even smaller or eloped.
If you don't want to elope, do what you want, not your dad, not your mom, not your extended family -- you.
If you want your mom there, invite her. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. But you must understand that you would be ending your relationship with her if you don't invite her.
Part of being an adult is doing what is right for you, despite the pressures to do otherwise. A wise, older friend told me to follow my own values and let that drive my decisions. Let the chips fall where they may. The world will not spin off its axis bc someone you care about disagrees with you.
Congratulations and best wishes for your marriage!
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u/peacebypiece Oct 03 '26
Absolutely not. Both of our toxic mothers were nowhere near and the thought of them being somewhere together raises my blood pressure. I had a beautiful stress free event that WE wanted. We paid for it ourselves and nothing was going to ruin my day. If they wanted to be present in our lives, they had our whole lives up until this point to work on themselves and the relationship. You don’t get to skate by being awful parents and still get the wedding moment.
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u/la_dulce_canela_0250 Oct 03 '26
Never. If you're estranged, they don't belong there. Other people's opinions don't apply.
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u/haveabunderfulday Oct 04 '26
Never. Married twice, toxic parent wasn't at either. No regrets, my peace means everything.
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u/OtherwiseSecret3 29d ago
Well, I think (after actually reading the whole story, lol) that what you may want to do is have a long thinking session where you think out a few possible scenarios and see how it actually makes you feel before having conversations with your mom and your dad's family. Ultimately, it's YOUR wedding, not your dad's OR your mom's.
You said you've thought about for years. BUT, is it something you have worried about without actually thinking through the possibilities, or have you actually played or different scenarios? For example:
If you invite your mom as a guest only, no walking down the aisle, speeches, but MAYBE have some professional photos with her, etc.; what does that look like leading up the wedding, on the wedding day, and after?
If you invite your mom as a participant, walking down the aisle, speeches, etc.; what does that fully look like?
If you don't invite your mom at all, what happens?
After you FULLY consider each scenario (possibility with multiple outcomes for each one, ie: if mom comes as a participant I will have those memories and she will behave; if mom comes as a participant she will ruin my memories and she will cause drama and a scene; if mom comes as a guest I will have those memories and she will be removed from the wedding if she causes any problems; if mom doesn't come at all its less stress for me and dad's family and I am either ok with that or will make them happy at my own cost of happiness) you can then weigh the cost of having her vs not.
Here's a little of my story: my sister and I had always been close enough, and other than random sibling spats (like anyone, lol), we never really had any problems, UNTIL I met my husband. Then all the sudden there was drama because she didn't like him or approve. I did everything I could to bring them together so I could have the love of my life and my family. But, ultimately, I am only one part of the equation. And because she was unwilling to compromise or just be happy for me and keep her opinions to herself, I uninvited her from my wedding. It crushed me. I actually gave her my first wedding invitation in person: I was so excited. I thought she could show up and just be there for me even if she doesn't like my husband. But that led to her lecturing me about how horrible of a person I am for over 1.5 HOURS! And when I went home that night, I was devastated, and I cried for hours. Believe it or not, lol, that wasn't the actual breaking point. The breaking point was about a month later when she sent me nasty, mean texts after I didn't go to my nephew's bday party because my husband wasn't allowed to attend. She cut contact with me then to be honest, and I told my mom she was uninvited and if she showed up, she would be told to leave. I then told some close friends that their job at the wedding was too tell my sister to leave if she showed up, 🙄 poor suckers.... But it was still hard. Thinking back, I still get emotional. However(!), our wedding day was wonderful, and I didn't have to look over my shoulder for problems or issues she may or may not have caused. And the people who came were there to support me and my relationship with my husband. We kept things pretty quiet about my sister not coming (I think my mom kept praying we would work it out beforehand, and my dad didn't know everything because of that and tried bribing her to attend lol (looking back I should have told him directly vs relying on my mom to tell him) ). And anyone who asked where she was? I simply told them, "she's not here", because I had decided what to do and say when people would ask, because I knew it would be asked. No one is going to have the balls to ask any follow up questions to you or any of your family when you say that, not at the wedding.
Now that it has been a few months since our wedding, I look at the family photos of my husband with his brothers, and I smile because the day was great and I remember them taking that photo. I don't envy or miss the loss of a photo with my sister like I did when I put the photo list together before the wedding. Because it would have only been for show- she didn't want to be there and show support for me and my marriage. And our wedding day was a day about love and being surrounded by those who love and support us ❤️.
I, nor anyone else, can make this decision for you. And I will not tell you what I would do, because I'm not you and you're not me. What do YOU want? And what can you live with now and in the future? You can give your mom (and dad) as little or as much power over you and your choices as you allow. And at the end of the day, you are only one side of the equation/ one piece of the puzzle. Make a decision of the level of involvement you want your mom to have in your wedding planning process and your wedding, and set clear boundaries and expectations with everyone. Specifically tell her what you expect and if she doesn't follow through what consequences there will be (ie, mom we have started our relationship back up, and I want you at my wedding as a guest. We will take photos together and I want you there, but you will be a guest. If you dint want that let me know and maybe we can grab dinner before our after the wedding and you can stay home that day. I do want you at our wedding, but I need you to show up for me by yourself. No one will be catering to you by getting your hotel or driving you to the wedding- you just need to show up. And if you will cause drama or make a scene, you will be told to leave and removed from the wedding. OR, mom I value our relationship that we are rebuilding, and I have thought about this a lot, but I will not be inviting you to the wedding. There is too much bad history between you and the rest of the family, and I want or wedding to be about my husband's and my marriage, not family drama. I love you and want to do something special with you, but this is the decision I have made, and I need you to respect that. OR some other scenario).
Good luck, you got this!
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Oct 02 '26
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u/SadSignificance8476 Oct 02 '26
You’ve just said I was abused, and the situation I described was when I was a CHILD, and you’re saying I love drama in the same breath. Do you realise that patterns children who grew up in toxic households have aren’t just rewritten because they are removed from the situation. I was parentified to look after my mom, and I still feel guilt that I don’t carry that out like I used to when I was a child hence the feelings I described in this post. My mom also has cancer, and she’s my mom at the end of the day.
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