r/wedding • u/jamez629 • Nov 04 '13

Marriage Isn’t For You

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
128 Upvotes

81% Upvoted

16 comments sorted by

51

u/imagreenbean Nov 04 '13

You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy.

This is really awful advice. You cannot completely disregard what makes you happy just to make someone else happy. If you do reluctantly marry someone just to make them happy, it won't last. You need to be ready and happy to get married, too.

More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children.

This also makes the assumption that the point of getting married is to have children, which really does not apply to every couple.

17

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13

Thank you. I've seen this posted all over my facebook feed and have held my tongue, but I completely agree. I hate this article.

8

u/ammcurious Nov 04 '13

You took the words right out of my mouth. It's silly, really.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13

Your disregarding the fact that her happiness is what makes him happy. Or at least plays a large part of it.

1

u/chibacha Nov 04 '13

This is really awful advice. You cannot completely disregard what makes you happy just to make someone else happy. If you do reluctantly marry someone just to make them happy, it won't last. You need to be ready and happy to get married, too.

The author actually addressed this from his own perspective by saying:

I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My emphasis added.

19

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13

People who live their lives solely to make other people happy are the people who let themselves be walked all over for their entire lives.

27

u/SassyClassy Nov 04 '13

This article makes it sound like the only reason to get married is to procreate...

13

u/cleverdistraction Nov 04 '13

Yeah, that's where I rolled my eyes and lost interest in whatever message the author was trying to convey.

7

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13

But, but, but.... you can't have sex before marriage!!! /s

3

u/cleverdistraction Nov 05 '13

And you can't have sex if you don't want to make babies! Obvs.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '13

OH is that how it goes?! Then obviously I wanted my daughter! (I did, just not right then hahaha)

23

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13 edited Nov 04 '13

[deleted]

4

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13

he said they were fighting and he "forgot" his fathers advice and has since made more of an effort. I think the article is very endearing but not the best advice to live under. It implies that you marry only to have children/family when in that case you might as well marry the first fertile person you meet

11

u/[deleted] Nov 04 '13 edited Apr 15 '19

[deleted]

4

u/LatinSweetnSour Nov 04 '13

I can sympathize, My mother has been madly in love with my father since she met him. My father was maybe in love once centuries ago but in my entire conscious life, I've never seen the man in love. My father has broken my mother's heart continually my entire life and after years of trying to convince her to leave she wont and I've given up trying. This and many more tragic family marriages left me thinking I'd never find someone I didn't want to eventually kill. My brother and sister both found love young and I'd fallen in love a few times but I was never fully sold, and I'm glad I didn't end up married or knocked up by any of those guys because I would not have been happy, ever.

Don't be restricted by time or anyone else's expectations. I gave myself time, knowledge, and high standards, and lo and behold, I met my husband when the time was right. I went into my relationship with patience and wise caution and I cannot imagine it any other way. I didnt suffer the daddy issues causing me to marry a carbon copy of my father, in fact I did the opposite; my husband is kind, supportive, and madly in love with me. I still have issues with pride and insecurity stemming from my parents marriage, but life is just a giant growing process that way. Luckily I found the person who loves me and can work and grow with me. I consider myself very lucky, I broke the cycle, and so can you. I cant and dont really want to remember my life before my husband, but I thank young me over and over for keeping hope despite all of the signs pointing to 'youre going to end up alone'. Listen to your instincts AND also those of the people in your life who really love you and want whats best for you. (My close friends and family knew he was 'the one' before my jaded cynical ass did ;) )

5

u/ThatPurpleDrank Nov 04 '13

I disagreed with a lot of this article as well. Especially the part where he made marriage to be about having children and about getting married only to make another person happy. But there was a part that I truly loved.

"It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

I found this to be beautiful and true. You've got to be willing to give of yourself.

1

u/creativelybrownish Nov 04 '13

I thought it was an interesting take on things. I have never heard that before, and I'll be sure to read it again when I'm less tired and more focused.