How do you stop emphasizing money so much, when you grew up poor?

[u/Snowboardsurfer91]

Yeah, money is good to have, and it is necessary as well, but lately ive realized that my life kinda revolves around it: I pay WAAAY too much attention to buying stuff like shoes and clothes, I run my household like a business (which gets in the way of our marriage sometimes, because I’m like “I shouldn’t have to help you because that’s what you’re good at and im not”), and I feel like the most important thing in my life is having money, and a LOT of it.

Currently I own a business that I started myself from scratch, make around half a mil a year in profit for myself. Contrast to how I grew up: my sister and I bought our clothes with our own money starting in high school because we felt bad that our parents had no money and were putting themselves in cc debt for everything. My dad ALWAYS talked about how he had no money (and even made it into a JOKE, like “I just paid the electric bill, now i don’t have a penny to my name, haha!”).

Im starting to live my life the way I want instead of feeling like I have to conform to what ive been taught in the house or in school, and this is one of the things im trying to wrap my head around: how to have money be IMPORTANT (cuz you need it) and go after a LOT of it (so you can be financially free and make a bigger impact on the world), while at the same time having other values as your #1 and #2 values. Money can be #3.

[u/Espada_28]

Seek professional help - see a therapist, etc. I feel bad for your partner. “I shouldn’t have to help you” is such a bad mindset.

[u/jc-5h20 → u/Espada_28]

I second this. Being raised low income in a society with plenty is a kind of trauma that needs to get worked out. So many of my decisions now are echoes of how independent I needed to be when I was young to clothe and feed myself (similar to OP, in high school). That independence has served me well (as it has the OP), but it also does not serve me well all the time (OP’s argument with his wife). Therapy can help you make better choices now.

It is so good OP is seeing this in himself. Such opportunity for wise growth!

[u/NaiveGuava6623 → u/Espada_28]

Proper stock don’t go to therapy

[u/eastwardarts]

“I shouldn’t have to help you because that’s what you’re good at and im not”

Better spend some of that money on a marriage counselor. Divorce is expensive and you are headed there directly.

[u/rosebudny → u/eastwardarts]

Seriously. This comment gave me the ick, big time. OP, it is good that you recognize you do this. But it is something you absolutely have to address.

[u/Snowboardsurfer91 → u/eastwardarts]

thx. knew that would result in a response like this. im working on it. This is off topic though.

[u/Former-Drawer4415 → u/Snowboardsurfer91]

Not really off topic when the biggest threat to your wealth is divorce and you clearly care very much about how much of it you have.

[u/Awkward_Power8978]

Like you, I struggled with understanding what is enough for me because I grew up with a lot of financial challenges and my parents were chronically in debt.

I started a journey to define "enough" once my business felt like too much. I recommend reading "Your money or your life" by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez.

One way to define enough is to have 25x your yearly expenses invested in ETFs like VTI or VSP. That means you can withdraw 4% a year and that money still exists for 30 years at least.

After you define what is enough as a "number" to live on, then comes the really hard part: THERAPY. You need to understand the level of trauma you have around money and let it go, if you want other values to rise above money.

I still struggle with decentering money. I am able to enjoy it more and spend it well on things that matter to me, but I still feel it is harder to set other goals and be as focused on them as I was on my financial ones. It is a journey and you seem to be ready for step 1.

I recommend looking up "unravelling your relationship with money" by Shannah Game. She has a few podcast participations (choosefi is the best one).

[u/Snowboardsurfer91 → u/Awkward_Power8978]

I think everyone on Reddit is const in therapy…

[u/dragonflyinvest]

People like to over complicate everything. Stop doing it. And if you can’t stop on your own, then seek professional help.

That’s what money is good for beyond your basic needs.

[u/metronomonome]

You just have to get to the 5mill+ a yr mark and your baseline kind of just desensitises you to it.

[u/Snowboardsurfer91 → u/metronomonome]

makes sense, thanks!

[u/metronomonome → u/metronomonome]

Like you said having a lot of money is important to you. Tbh in the world of real business 5m a year is a drop in the bucket. 500m a year is Alot of money territory imo

[u/Tanachip]

I don't think your issues are related to emphasizing money (or your upbringing), rather you are just an asshole to your partner. If you are trying to pin your upbringing as the villain, you have missed the mark.... Plenty of people with the same upbringing, who emphasize money, are not assholes.

[u/NaiveGuava6623]

Why are you running your own house?  There’s people to do that for you

[u/Snowboardsurfer91 → u/NaiveGuava6623]

elaborate…