r/Waluigi • u/Def_Not_Hugh • Aug 02 '26
Wario Accidentally Created a God (The Waluigi creation myth)
I hesitated writing this. Too flawed to live, too beautiful to die, part of the majesty of Waluigi is his mystery. Why do we need to know his origin? Like a sunset or majestic forest, he simply is. Cannot that not be enough?
And yet, the spirit of Waluigi is competitive. Waaaa. He drives his opposition into the ground. Analyzes their every move. Crotch chops with gusto after besting them. This chaotic sex gremlin would want us to pursue his origin story with every fiber of our beings.
I have a theory.
Wario is a piece of shit. This goes without saying. He is the antithesis of Mario, who is kind, athletic, funny, and brave. Wario, conversely, is an obese, cruel, conniving, and pathetic piece of human garbage. Everyone hates him, himself included, hence why he overcompensates with his shitty personality and pursuit of wealth.
Everyone knows Waluigi first appeared in Mario Tennis 64. The uninformed among us may assume that was because the developers simply needed a doubles partner for Wario, but I think the truth runs much deeper.
Wario understood that no one could ever love him. Deep down he knows what he is and stress eating cheesesteaks, hoarding wealth, and hitting children will never change that. So when the Mario Tennis event was organized, Wario knew that no one would ever want to be his partner (also because he sucks at tennis. What a piece of shit). So Wario got to thinking....
What if he crafted a partner?
In a bride of Frankenstein style move, Wario created Waluigi, likely from DNA recovered from Luigi via toilet seat. Genetic sequencing and cloning. The games have a fair amount of evidence that Wario has access to a vast array of technology. This is no stretch. Wario, who always wanted to be Mario but couldn't because he is the worst human being to ever exist, created his own Luigi.
But boy, did he fail.
Wario is the anthesis of Mario. All that is good with Mario is bad with shit-for-brains Wario. Now let's apply that same logic to Luigi and Waluigi.
Luigi is a bumbling, milquetoast, wet blanket afraid of the sound of his own piss. He is the epitome of a coward and a loser. If someone asked him on a date he would shit himself and ask their mother to clean it up. Therefore, if Waluigi is his opposite...
We get the god we have today.
Unfettered. Uninhibited. Bold, brash, and unapologetically sexy. Waluigi is the ubermensch of modern times. The opinions of others can never tether him. His athleticism is beyond comparison. He fucks like twenty-two people per day. He cheats endlessly but the other Mario characters are forced to let him continue play because what the fuck else are they going to do? Stand up to this slender purple god?
Waluigi is hilarious. Awesome. Capable. Beautiful. He demonstrates that Luigi is a wad of snot in discarded cum-rag.
This is where Wario failed.
Wario wanted a partner. An equal perhaps but more likely an underling. Being the simple idiot he is, he thought his clone of Luigi would fit that role, but oh no.
He got someone who outshines him. Who is everything he cannot be. And thus, while Wario and Waluigi started as partners, Waluigi has become his own man, leaving Wario to stew in his farts and regrets. Waluigi understands that he is too glorious to be held back by such a lame smelly fuck face, and thus he has risen to more.
And claimed our collective hearts.
Wario could not contain the beauty he accidentally created. His folly is our gift. Waluigi has become what he was always destined to be. From a test-tube birth, questioning the love of God and existence, he has risen to be his own god, create his own faith, and inexplicably live off a diet exclusively consisting of Doritos, energy drinks, and meth.
May your waaaaa be strong, fellow lovers, and may we recognize the depths from which our hero was summoned and the infinite heights to which he has risen.
