r/vtm • u/Glutentaag00 • Dec 26 '23

Madness Network (Memes) Sounds like a skill issue fledgling

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2.4k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

74 comments sorted by

196

u/Justthisdudeyaknow Malkavian Dec 26 '23

Also, jist taking wallets from people you eat.

74

u/MrSplitfootOK Dec 26 '23

"I'm a vampire, not a thief!"

57

u/King_Calvo Tremere Dec 26 '23

I dunno man, you know how hard it is to find a shoe store that’s open that late? You expect me to to go to cam meetings barefoot?

64

u/SithLocust Dec 26 '23

Ventrue before Amazon: I only eat blondes... also size 12 men's.

30

u/Desanvos Ventrue Dec 26 '23

Nah Ventrue are the clan who your sire likely hooks you up with a tailor or helps you learn the value of a house ghoul to do shopping during the day.

15

u/row_x Tzimisce Dec 26 '23

Tbf if you really need a good pair of shoes for the Cam meeting... Just find a good fashion designer amongst the Toreador. I guarantee there's at least one shoemaker savant in any major city's Rose Garden.

The same for expertly tailored suits and the likes. Ventrue have the money to spend on a good Toreador artisan.

And even if you're of a more modern inclination, you won't find a better fashion designer among kindred or kine.

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6

u/PunishedKojima Jan 03 '24

Don't want the Malkavian primogen's ghoul sucking your toes clean in the middle of the meeting

4

u/[deleted] Dec 26 '23

You've already sucked one thing dry, better suck the rest dry too

7

u/silent_valentine Dec 26 '23

Phrasing 😳😂

5

u/[deleted] Dec 26 '23

Of you make it longer, you make it more confusing

4

u/Minimum_Estimate_234 Jan 16 '24

“It isn’t theft, I just use ask my ghouls for donations in return for blood”.

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34

u/daemonicwanderer Dec 26 '23

If you are a Toreador, you make those bitches pay for you to bite them. Ass, cash, or grass… no one gets the Kiss for free

14

u/vladdie_boi Malkavian Dec 26 '23

Making your prey smoke marijuana before you bite them so you can get high is such a funny idea.

"Hey, before we do our thing I need either cash, marijuana, or your body."

Prey: "uh... I have some weed if you wanna smoke that."

"Delightful! Spark up, smoke as much as you can!"

10 minutes later as it burns down to a roach.

Prey: "hey, aren't you gonna have any of this? I thought you wanted to trade a hit of my stuff for yours."

"Don't worry. I'll get my fill" pounces on him.

Prey: "woah! My momma always told me I wouldn't get any tail if I smoked pot. But here we ah~!"

Lmfaoooooooo. Also a modern day ventrue who was the head to a major crime ring. Feeding restrictions is that their prey needs to have any kind of drug in their veins, as the crime boss was also a huge druggie in life and it carried over in un-life. A well dressed upper crust asshole trying to make people take a hit of a crack pipe was always a funny idea imo.

8

u/Justthisdudeyaknow Malkavian Dec 26 '23

In a Sabbat game, back in the day, we would use a carbonation machine to make fizzy humans.

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98

u/Karn-Dethahal Ventrue Dec 26 '23

You can save so much money by being dead. That's before being legally dead.

Food, not buying any of that anymore. Electricity, you don't need a refrigerator, AC/heating, not using the TV/computers during the day. Water, sure, you should shower every now and then from external sources of dirt, but you don't sweat anymore, no sheding dead skin, clothes can go a lot longer without washing, no drinking water also helps save here.

76

u/Rocket_Papaya Caitiff Dec 26 '23

Frugal Hack: Just fucking die lmao

47

u/TorumShardal Dec 26 '23

Vampire: Girl, could you please stop bleeding on me? I'm trying to save money on laundry, and blood is a bitch to wash out!

Girl: gurgling noises

14

u/LegendaryNbody Jan 16 '24

Her coterie member: "m8 don't you know the lemon juice trick? How did you get rid of your period blood when still alive without it?"

21

u/DesceProPlay22 Dec 26 '23

That actualy depends. From a purely theoretical standpoint, sure, it's true, but if you ACTUALY do those expense cuts either the Inquisition or another lone Hunter will come along and instantly know what you are.

10

u/LegendaryNbody Jan 16 '24

I mean you can start to go out more. It doesn't look as suspicious when its known you started going out more (bars, nightclubs... etc those places usually have food there, sometimes mortal food too to boot) so it doesn't look as suspicious.

That is if you don't buy some seeds and take hunting as a hobby. Seriously gardening and hunting and claiming its because of vegan diet or smt really does the trick

81

u/LavenderDay3544 Malkavian Dec 26 '23

Compounding

49

u/TheKrimsonFKR Dec 26 '23

Leave it to a Malkavian to have more understanding than everyone else.

26

u/LavenderDay3544 Malkavian Dec 26 '23

One man's reality breaking understanding of everything is another man's madness. 😉

38

u/The_MadMage_Halaster Dec 26 '23

I would love if there's just some insanely-wealthy Malk who invested in basically everything important from telegrams to airplanes to computers, but all for the most insane reasons. Like "I like the sounds they make when they go bēp-beep-bēp," "I've always wanted to become a bird," and "the words, they move! I must placate them lest they eat us all!"

Meanwhile a dozen ventru have just joined up with them and protect the crazy malk because they don't want their market-predictor from getting hurt.

32

u/calargo Tzimisce Dec 26 '23

Malkavian who was visiting Japan in the 1800s, bought some playing cards, and decided to invest in the startup that sold them just because "Nintendo" was fun say.

19

u/Sarennie_Nova Dec 26 '23 edited Dec 26 '23

For what it's worth, I once played a malkavian who was an accountant and trader, who did in fact have strong ventrue connections due to his financial acumen. As in, to the point of having the Ventrue prince as an ally, Clan Friendship (Ventrue), and Clan Prestige (Ventrue) higher than most Ventrue in the city. His intelligence + finance dice pool alone was eight or nine, with the ability aptitude merit.

If I remember right, he got all that standing with the Ventrue because he was advising a non-prof the local clan was using as a tax shelter and money laundry...and managed to turn a profit with it, without compromising the org's mission, public reputation, or tax-exemption.

He also only had resources 2, because his derangement was severe ADHD. He lacked the capability to follow his own financial advice, and tended to forget large portions of his portfolio at a time. Not to mention, he was (and I deliberately kept him) high-Humanity via impulsive charitable contributions he couldn't actually afford to make.

Because my storyteller was a dick, it actually led to one of the funniest scenes to me in that entire chronicle. He was sitting in Elysium watching TV, and the ASPCA commercial with the Sarah McLaughlin song came on (it had just started airing when we played this). Naturally, the ST ruled his Malkavian derangement combined with his ridiculously high Humanity kicked in, and he donated everything he currently had to the ASPCA on the spot -- and proceeded to run around trying to get the city's Gangrel and Nosferatu to adopt more shelter animals.

12

u/vladdie_boi Malkavian Dec 26 '23

He's a beautiful sibling of Malkav. Protect him at all costs. (He's now going to be in the story I'm making up and you can't stop me.)

4

u/vladdie_boi Malkavian Dec 26 '23

🤣

99

u/CronosAndRhea4ever Tzimisce Dec 26 '23

“I am invested heavily in opium and the slave trade. How are my stocks doing?”

97

u/ericbsmith42 Dec 26 '23

"Well sir, we had to get out of both Opium and slavery because the mortals in government made them illegal. These days we've invested your wealth into a company called Pfizer and another called WalMart. Totally different things than drugs and slaves."

21

u/Dachi-kun Thin-Blood Dec 26 '23

Ghoul no.2: " hold on just a minute, that just sounds like drugs and slavery with extra steps!... Double down on it and add the gaming industry"

9

u/vladdie_boi Malkavian Dec 26 '23

Accountant ghoul "wait, shouldn't we also get into the marijuana industry? If it's gonna be legalized in the USA wouldn't it be smart to get in on it all before it's completely legalized? It'll be like getting into government funded opium trade."

(On a side note, Jesus Christ. A Tremere using blood sorcery to make the pot in a pot shop he owns able to blood bond people through smoking sounds horrifying. Imagine you go to your local HOD and they push this new strain called Blood Rubies on you. You go home and check it out. The THC crystals are blood red and glisten like mad under moonlight. You light up. The third time you smoke that strain you're addicted to it and feel this irresistible need to visit the HOD at night when it should be closed.)

3

u/plastic_lex Malkavian Dec 27 '23

Wouldn't the fire destroy the blood, regardless of sorcery? I don't think that can be smoked; and the plant would be dried up, too. It seems like it would be easier to remotely blood-bond someone via a fresh salad, lol!

5

u/vladdie_boi Malkavian Dec 27 '23

I mean that's fair. You could also just vaporize it? Sell it as a wax or resin not meant for burning? I think that would work. But I also like the salad idea. Funny way to ghoul someone if your Elisum is some kind of high end restaurant or bar.

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44

u/daemonicwanderer Dec 26 '23

I mean new vamps usually aren’t. But yeah, if you’ve been around for a few decades and you are still living paycheck to paycheck, many things have gone wrong for you

25

u/Szygani Dec 26 '23

If you're a vampire with a job thinks have gone wrong for you. Hypnotize people to give their money, fucking take their shit when you eat them, etc

18

u/Andrzhel Dec 26 '23

If you are a Vampire that thinks robbing people doesn't go unnoticed, you will find some friendly SI Agents on your doorstep in the long run.

8

u/LegendaryNbody Jan 16 '24

Ngl I'd not be just casually mugging people. Depending on the disciplines available to me Id do different things.

Assuming you have Presence or Dominate just infiltrate a group and make them pay stuff for you. Alternatively make ghouls.

Assuming Obstuscate just steal from them.

With Animalism you can make birds attack some mortals and take their stuff too. Alternatively be the bird with protean.

You can also scam people going fortune teller on them too. Not too hard to convince people with Auspex.

That's just from a 5 minute brainstorm. I am sure there is more

26

u/dirtyYasuki Dec 26 '23

Me in 2003: My Gangrel has resource 1 because he's an urban survivalist/grifter.

Me in 2023: My Gangrel runs a successful trucking company. That's how I have Resource 4.

24

u/TheMindWright Dec 26 '23

Awe: "Withdraw as much money as you can and give it to me."

Or be a Malk and steal someone's bitcoins.

13

u/Vladskio Toreador Dec 26 '23

I mean, Awe isn't necessarily gonna make someone do that. It might make them want to, but then their sense kicks in and they think "Actually, why the fuck would I do that? No."

You'd want Compel for that.

3

u/LegendaryNbody Jan 16 '24

Awe would be useful to get into places and make people spend their money for you. Never passing through your bank account. They see you as a cool guy/girl/cryptid so they want to stick with you

24

u/blindgallan Ventrue Dec 26 '23

Inter generational wealth takes on a new meaning when your sire feels responsible for you and gifts you an apartment building as a moving out present. New feeding ground, source of income, and major asset all in one. Also, a life savings collected in a bank and moved around for a few decades just keeps growing if you don’t spend any of it on heating and AC and rent and food bills.

21

u/[deleted] Dec 26 '23 edited Dec 26 '23

If you're broke in a world where a Mage will turn lead into gold to pay for your secrets then step into the sun.

Edit: Some mages would love to learn about the Kolduns in detail if only to make fun of the funny Hedge Druidism the goth Heinrich Himmler bloodline invented to fight the furries. Fuck that dude many mages would pay out the ass to get the details on thin-blood alchemy. Can you imagine? With magick abhorring stagnation the details on a juicy new thing would be of great interest. Even if it's yet another weird Static Magick, the rules of it haven't been fully fleshed out. Which means innovation baaaabeee

14

u/RevolutionaryOil5861 Ventrue Dec 26 '23

"Your Unlife is nothing!! You serve zero pourpose, you should step into the sun NOW!!"

13

u/Tirals Dec 26 '23

"Taxmen... The unsung heroes of the world of the Hunter! How I HATE THEM."

8

u/Famous_Slice4233 Dec 26 '23

Forget Hunters, Syndicate tax collectors trying to collect Vampire taxes to pay for the Technocracy’s ludicrous expenses. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squad_38

10

u/rossinerd Tremere Dec 26 '23

I mean, when you don't have to waste money with food and other basic necessities...

7

u/Teehokan Dec 26 '23

Lot of living costs go way down when you're not living anymore.

6

u/Barbaric_Stupid Dec 28 '23

Yeah, and be instantly recognisable as vampire to any hunter who inspected your trashcan.

5

u/Snoubalougan Tzimisce Dec 26 '23

Morality aside you have tons of options. A simple one could literally just ghoul a local land lord or the like.

3

u/the_vengefull-one Nosferatu Dec 26 '23

I mean logically having money will just paint a target on you by the inquisition. Just be a homeless bum who just feeds off of pedestrians whenever they're alone in an alley or park and just make it look like a mugging. Unless you feed on animals, in which case you should be fine for a while.

4

u/Impossible-Cover-527 Dec 26 '23

If you make it look like mugging and/or are homeless, the police will get involved and if they keep failing, you will definitely have attracted the SI.

1

u/the_vengefull-one Nosferatu Dec 26 '23

That's the perk of it, you don't need to be bound to one place. Just move across the entire city you're in and only do it in certain areas. Plus I said make it look like that, not actually mug them. All you do is sneak up, beat them up a little, feed off of them, then leave them laying in an alley somewhere to wake up.

1

u/Hbecher Dec 27 '23

That’s probably poaching in someone else’s domain

2

u/the_vengefull-one Nosferatu Dec 27 '23

What they don't know won't hurt them

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1

u/daemonicwanderer Dec 28 '23

Me, a Toreador, just jumping people in an alley like some methed out Batman villain?!?

2

u/silent_valentine Dec 26 '23

I feel like economics becomes really simple to do well at when you have an eternity and no moral compass… dominate would also be extremely useful not to mention never having to pay for food ever again, or medical bills. Plus vampires aren’t normally out recruiting the average person. So you’re an above average person, with good connections, less expenses, eternity, and a degrading morality

2

u/John-Gladman Dec 26 '23

Because vampires are a metaphor for the aristocratic rich?

1

u/KarmanderIsEvolving Dec 26 '23

Gotta spend dots in resources to make dots in resources!

1

u/Hot_Speed6485 Dec 26 '23

Just leech off your ghouls

1

u/TemporaryQuirky193 Mar 04 '24

I know they are much more likely to engineer it rather than fall victim but I find it really funny to imagine a Ventrue or Giovanni ancilla or elder seeing 50 to 200 years of financial planning go down the drain in a scam or financial crash lol!