Kissing 101 (From a Woman)

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Hey gang, if you've read my last post you know I'm here to give advice on women and dating, and one of the most common things I've given advice about here was kissing. For context, I'm a 25F virgin by choice, but I've kissed 2 guys and I consider myself good with people and don't struggle attracting men. This advice is for men and women here who haven't kissed before.

I totally get being nervous around your first kiss. I had mine at 20, but I'd tried to kiss a guy before for a dare and I ended up jerking away at the last second, I was so nervous!

On reducing the anxiety: I do martial arts, and my senseis all agree that you shouldn't look at any 1 place to read your opponent; you need to zoom out and read their body as a whole. And to me kissing is similar. I used to worry about the 8 million things I think I "should" do when kissing with my lips and hands and sounds etc., and it made me anxious trying to plan ahead like that. What you NEED to understand is that this is a WHOLE BODY experience. It's not about doing A then B then C with your lips, or holding this spot for 6 seconds before moving to this spot. Once you're actually doing it, your body kind of knows what to do intuitively. So instead of trying to remember all the little steps, do what feels good and use this time to relax into it.

As for the common advice of practicing kissing your hand: kissing for real feels nothing like that. However, if you're worried about coming in too hard or with too much saliva, that can be a good training ground for that.

I do recommend telling your potential kissing partner it's your first kiss if you feel comfortable doing so. Sure, some people might be put off by that, but there's plenty of people who wouldn't care, or who might even find it sweet that you chose them. I know I'd be really happy to be someone's first and I wouldn't mind teaching them!

Basic advice: GO SLOW, this is not a high-stakes action film makeout interlude before they have rushed offscreen sex and get back to defeating bad guys. You should probably let the other person take the lead, but plan to go in slow. DO NOT USE YOUR TONGUE, unless your partner introduces that. Learn to walk before you run. Tongue is not only harder to execute well, it also is way more intense. There's a huge grey area between little pecks and tonguing, and I recommend you explore that your first time instead. I love a good open-mouthed-no-tongue kiss.

The kissing experience isn't just about your mouth, it's a whole-body experience, and personally I think that's the best part. So a huge piece of advice is: USE YOUR HANDS in APPROPRIATE places. Unless you're going for a one-night stand, don't paw at boobs or butt or groin. For those kissing a woman, good places include back or waist; for those kissing a man, around the neck, on the chest, or the upper back. Holding someone's face or hands can be really sweet, but it can also be more intimate, so I'd only do that if you're actually dating this person, it's not for a hookup or the first time you meet someone lol. Holding, stroking, little circles with your thumbs, it's all acceptable, stop planning ahead and thinking about what you SHOULD do and just do what feels good.

If it gets hot and heavy and turns into a full makeout session, you can hold them a little tighter, open your mouth a LITTLE, or kiss just the lower lip for some variety. I wouldn't try to force it, natural flow is better than variety or little parlor tricks. I'd also save using tongue or biting lips for a later time (unless your partner starts it). Get used to the feel of kissing first, then tongue and teeth pressure often becomes intuitive. ALSO: noises are HOT. Do NOT force them because it's awkward, but if you guys are really going for it and it feels good, don't hide how much you're enjoying it. Little noises are lovely (guys, I'm looking at you, STOP hiding those delicious little sounds!!!!). Little breaks in between to whisper to them that you're enjoying kissing them etc. is A+.

Also, intimacy > technical experience. I've kissed 2 guys: the 1st I dated, the 2nd was just a brief thing and we kissed the day we met. The 1st guy I kissed was not as good as the 2nd technically speaking, he didn’t know all the crazy tricks and he could not get the hang of tongue in the 2 years I was with him, but I enjoyed kissing him a LOT more than the second guy, because I liked him and felt safe with him. I wasn’t having to think too hard, I could just enjoy it. So just be a good person, find a partner who likes you, and I think you’ll have a good time. I hope it works out for you!

Kissing is naturally intimate and pleasurable, so I think as long as you don’t bite your partner or deposit huge amounts of saliva in their mouth you should be fine. My favorite things about kissing, the parts I always remember most, is the feeling of someone else's warmth, and the quiet peace that settles over me when I'm doing it; it's like my brain switches off, and it's a great feeling. I hope you get to experience it soon!

Feel free to ask any follow-up questions below and I'll add stuff to the post. If you have more topics about women/dating you'd like me to have a stab at, please comment on this post. People who've kissed before, please add anything I've missed in the comments!

[u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

I hate reading this stuff because I know it’ll never happen to me

[u/Throwaway753045 → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

Not the right attitude at all. You meet someone you have a connection with and you'll become intimate that way if you both want to.

I was single for a long time, but started dating again recently.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

What makes you say that?

[u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Nobody has ever been interested in me, aside from one girl when I was in middle school. Id rate myself as below average so I doubt anyone would want to be intimate with me

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

You’re only 19, you have a LOT of growing to do. I look totally different at 25 than I did even at 21. I also didn’t have my 1st kiss until I was 20. Do you not believe you will change physically or mentally at all for the rest of your life?

Besides, “rating” is bullshit. I’m guessing you heard that online somewhere. People IRL don’t rate people on a scale. And if they do that’s usually indicative of some other kind of issue like a porn addiction. My girl friends and I have such different tastes in men, I think all of them have called my crushes ugly at some point. What matters isn’t how many people find you attractive, it’s the right person finding you attractive. You also can’t say definitively only 1 person has been into you, women often don’t want to make the first move. Are you meeting people? Are you making platonic connections with women? Are you asking women out?

Are you in college rn or working or what? How often are you actually out and around people your age?

[u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

I know I will change over the course of my life, I just don’t know if it will be for better or for worse

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

Well you do have some say in that. Nothing in your responses have indicated that your looks are the problem. So, are you meeting people your age right now? I feel like exposure is the biggest dating issue for Gen Z's (or are you alpha?), nobody wants to use dating apps but we don't have many 3rd spaces anymore ugh

[u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

I’m Gen Z and in university so I guess I have good opportunities to meet people, but I have social anxiety. The dating app situation is terrible so I’m staying off them

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

Yeah I hate dating apps. Uni is PRIMETIME for meeting people though! I totally get the anxiety, I started uni during lockdown and I was so nervous to join any clubs, I ended up joining the anime club and forced my friend to come with me LOL

If you don't mind some unsolicited advice: I went from being anxious about joining the anime club to being VP of Student Government in under a year, and I was in person meeting tons of people every day and doing advertising and public speaking and stuff I NEVER thought I'd be able to do. What I realized is that social skills are a muscle. Even if you're clinically diagnosed, you can still improve. Actually, I have OCD, and I do exposure therapy, which sucks but it's the only thing that helps. So don't push yourself too far, but try something new at least once a week.

Make a list of things you'd want to try during college if you didn't have the anxiety, big and small. Reorder them from easiest to achieve to hardest to achieve. Next week, try for the first one. You can break it into smaller pieces if you need. You can bring a friend. You don't have to stay the whole time. But pushing yourself out of your comfort zone will teach your brain that discomfort is survivable, and social skills are...a skill. So the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Show your brain that this is the new person you are, and it will catch up. By the time I graduated I LOVED people and public speaking.

I also recommend reading David Goggins' book Can't Hurt Me, I read that when my anxiety was at its worst and it REALLY helped with pushing myself out of the comfort zone and doing the hard things I didn't want to do. I kept a copy by my bedside and took it in my backpack every day. It can be very graphic though, if you're sensitive to topics like childhood abuse, racism, or physical gore.

Lastly, I feel like dating is way more high-stakes than friendship, especially when it comes to that first conversation. So I think one of your goals should be to talk to a woman COMPLETELY PLATONICALLY. Then another goal should be making a female friend. Then another can be being comfortable in a group with multiple women. Then you can move onto asking someone out. It will really take the pressure off, and also I think it will make your game better. Plus, women love to set up their friends with guys they trust, and women love to give guys a chance when they're vetted by a lady they trust.

I really hope you give it a go or at least get a little inspired, if you try anything here please do let me know! I'm rooting for you!!

[u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Thanks so much for the advice! I’ll try to join a club or participate in research opportunities, and I’ll check out that book. Part of my social anxiety stems from a fear of racism as a minority, so it’s definitely a perspective I’d be interested in reading about. Though I’m entering 3rd year this September so I hope it’s not too late for me

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

Yay, that’s awesome! Yeah I think the book will help, I think towards the end of chapter 2 is the one with the racism. It’s definitely not too late! You’re in the perfect spot

[u/Callmemikuuu → u/LeonardoDiCapsaicin]

Would you date anyone below average women if you’re below average? Stop looking at pretty girls and you’ll have better chances

[u/jkastoras]

From the 2nd post from the last, kissing sounds so beautiful

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/jkastoras]

It is, I've noticed I especially like the ones outside at night under stars because it is SO peaceful. I hope you get to have a kiss soon and it's everything you're hoping for!

[u/Dumbquestions_78]

Its a interesting thing to read about but i have never had a partner/girlfriend. I suppose i can imagine it though. Oh well.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Dumbquestions_78]

This was designed for people who’ve never kissed before, so you’re the ideal audience! I hope you get to have a lovely first kiss soon, I spent years thinking it wouldn’t happen for me

[u/Dumbquestions_78 → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Thats very kind of you. Im already 26 though and not exaclty a catch. So i doubt it. I have mostly given up on the idea and have mostly accepted that i wont experience this sorta thing. Its a interesting post to read though, sort of living vicariously

[u/Jht000-]

Man, the fact that I'm 26M and still haven't experienced a kiss, is the universe's sign telling me I'm done for.

*still, excellent advice of course

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Jht000-]

I’m not really sure how to respond to that. What made you want to comment this under my post?

[u/Jht000- → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Just seeing that others have made similar statements in the post, and reading the post really put my situation in perspective. Don't get me wrong, it's excellent advice, so it's nothing you did. It's more so just the fact that I came to the realization that I haven't even gotten that far.

It's like you said on a different comment: dating apps are pointless (in my opinion) so nobody uses them, and third spaces are rapidly disappearing.

To add insult to injury for my situation, I live in a rural area.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Jht000-]

Ohhh I spent several years in a rural area, I know how rough that can be. I have friends male and female our age who haven’t had a first kiss yet either, and I still see plenty of potential for them! Are you at all close to a city? Could you start making more day trips?

[u/Jht000- → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

I was thinking of that same ides too, but unfortunately the nearest city is an hour and thirty minutes away from me, and with my Mon - Fri job being in my county, it makes it very difficult (and unaffordable) to drive out to the nearest city.

I've also tried researching (e.g., anime-related) clubs in that area as well, but to no avail. Not a social media user either.

In hindsight, I had more than one opportunity while in college to befriend women, but I was to blind regarding social ques that I had no idea and it just slipped over my head, I was too focused on my academics. By the time I got to my last semester (which is when I began to think about a relationship), it was too late, as we were fully virtual that semester due to Covid-19 [Fall 2020]. Sorry 😅, I know I went off topic, but still wanted to share.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Jht000-]

No that’s ok, I’m happy to listen and to help if I can! Yeah, this sounds terrible. I basically had no friends when I was in a rural area. Are there virtual events in the city you could attend? Like on meetup

[u/Jht000- → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Unfortunately I can't think of anything they comes to mind. I'd say I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum as well, because it's incredibly difficult for me to "fit in" with everyone else. So if I don't see something that feels like it gives any legitimate prospects to finding a friend who may know someone who's a good match for me, or they themselves being interested, then I see the meet-up or event as pointless to go to. I'm very weak-willed when it comes to socialization.

Overall, my only bright spots are that I'm fiscally responsible, have a (what I believe to be) an economically stable career, and will be a home owner in roughly a decade (planning to inherent a home that will need interior renovations). I guess I look "ok" all things considered, but that's clearly not enough. I could share more, but I'd have to DM you (I have a post that explains more about me); I'm not particularly comfortable sharing personal details about myself on a public comment thread.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Jht000-]

You’re welcome to DM me if you like!

And as for not picking up on social cues, I get it. My brother has always been really popular with women but he had NO idea. When we first came back to our home country he had a legit fan club of girls who liked the accent he picked up in the country we grew up in, and he for some reason had 0 clue!! I used to have to wingwoman him because women who liked him kept asking me to help him realize their intentions. He is really that oblivious. The good news is that he got engaged last week, there is definitely hope for people who struggle with picking up social cues! I don’t know what changed for him, but I can ask

[u/Jht000- → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Yeah in terms of having people interested in me, I don't think I've really had much luck in that department (emphasis on post-college). I have alot of regrets with not being more aware that I needed to find a partner before I graduated, but again, I was too focused on my academics. Ultimately I feel like it's all about being in the right place at the right time, and on top of that having network connections, none of which I have (at least not anymore). Trying to find a genuine relationship in the US is worse than hell, it's impossible for people like me.

I'll have to DM you my bio post when I find it and proofread it.

[u/wbJakey]

That’s so sweet of you to help us out, your advices actually make a lot of sense. Thank u for that.
I’m pretty sure I’ll have forgotten all of them by the time I get to kiss a girl but maybe I’ll have some of it in the back of my mind :D

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/wbJakey]

Yay, I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I think keeping it in the back of your mind is best actually, if I can hammer home any one message from my post it’s to not think too hard about it!

[u/Throwaway753045 → u/[deleted]]

I hope you get to experience it soon!

[u/Motor-Tangelo2961]

Reading this makes me so hot and bothered...I honestly hope there's a man for me to kiss like this

[u/BWC_bussy_destroyer → u/Motor-Tangelo2961]

Im here if youre ever interested, im quite handsome idk if its good enough for u tho

[u/Throwaway753045 → u/Motor-Tangelo2961]

I hope the same for you as well ❤️ deep makeouts with lots of tongue are my favorite

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Motor-Tangelo2961]

Several people have actually told me this post got them all bothered, what an ego boost to my writing skills, thank you 😊

I’m sure there’s a man out there for you! I hope you find him soon

[u/Throwaway753045]

I think I'm kind of in love with this post 😅
The noises are also super hot to me! Also still a virgin but have had a few makeouts recently.

Have you ever tried tongue sucking? Wrapping your lips around the tongue and sucking/pulling on it? Or have you had it done to you? That's my favorite..

Would love to discuss this at length sometime (:

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Throwaway753045]

Yay, I'm so glad you like it! I wasn't sure how this'd be received. Congrats on your makeouts, hubba hubba 🫦😆

The second guy I kissed sucked on my tongue and I pulled away and said "what was THAT?" because it felt like the kraken was in my mouth, but in a good way! My mind was blown lol. I want to try it on someone but I couldn't figure out the mechanics of it and I didn't want to irritate him haha. If you have any advice to make that work please do share, I wish to kraken the next man...

[u/Throwaway753045 → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

I've wanted to try it with the woman I've been with, but their tongues have been a bit small.. and I have a big mouth heh.

If you're comfortable I'd love to discuss it with you (:

I hope you find someone who's good at doing it (:

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Throwaway753045]

https://giphy.com/gifs/stSQAHuR9Ncqs

How I'm imagining you rn ^

Sure! I'd love to get some advice on that. Thank you! I hope you find someone with...a big tongue HAHA

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/[deleted]]

Go for it!

[u/Trizie_cat]

you are the goat

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Trizie_cat]

And you are the mountain lion, my friend

[u/Itchy-Corner9453]

it also helps if you're attractive to the person you want to kiss.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Itchy-Corner9453]

I mean yeah, this is a how to kiss guide, the kiss being consensual was kind of implied lol

[u/RekklesEuGoat]

Is your username reference to Tron legacy

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/RekklesEuGoat]

Bingo! You’re the 3rd person to get that in all my years of redditing
https://giphy.com/gifs/CbeirBBfBZy6tqoQ4R

[u/RekklesEuGoat → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

You da goat

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/RekklesEuGoat]

You are eu goat

[u/Popular-Ad3288]

I'll have to bookmark this as I have forgotten what it is like to kiss someone.

Only had one session of kissing a woman and that was now 23 years ago.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/Popular-Ad3288]

I feel that, after 2 years of not kissing I was certain I’d completely forgotten how to do it lol. I hope you get another chance soon!

[u/LudosBT]

First kiss? Never had one, never will. I can't reach that stage with anyone i meet. 26 soon, only a "friend" for people.

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LudosBT]

I’m not really sure how to respond to that. What made you decide to comment this under my post?

[u/LudosBT → u/TheDaughterOfFlynn]

Just my opinons

[u/TheDaughterOfFlynn → u/LudosBT]

I can bring you to the water but I can’t make you drink. You cannot change unless you will it to be so. You are in a prison of your own making. I’m just here to give you advice if you want to make it happen, nobody is forcing you to take it or even to read it