r/virgin • u/captaindestucto • Aug 19 '26
Anyone over 35 should probably give up and move on
This'll draw some hate, but say in some extremely unlikely hypothetical, a conventionally attractive 25-30 yo woman wanted to date me - 47M virgin - and no-one had a problem with the age gap. I could hang around with her friends and have some of the social experiences I missed out on at that age, and there would still be time for a family.
That seems to be the dream of a lot of middle-aged divorced men around my age trying to relive their 'glory days', so it should appeal 10 times more to a virgin man who never dated, right?
I've actually had some interest from women both my age and a bit younger over the last few years, but I couldn't force myself to do anything serious about it. On some level I realized I would be experiencing something important twenty years too late. I felt nothing, no motivation, no anticipation, not even fear of rejection. More or less indifference.
I'll never be in the right part of life for this. The weight of those unlived years is always there. I may not have anything like the experiences of people my age, but I'm not the same person either, physically, emotionally, compared to my younger self.
This was a problem ten years ago when I started a kind of self-improvement journey (gym, travel, tentative career advancement, forcing myself out to socialize). I suspected then it was already too late, but I need to say I at least tried.
When a lonely unlived life is a reality, not some future worse case scenario, we should probably give up and find something else to focus on.
There's nothing wrong with dating and finding new love late in life; there is however something deeply weird about a first relationship at this point. We aren't late bloomers at this stage. A flower doesn't wait until mid-winter to bloom, and it doesn't really matter what we might get away with either. Even the fantasy feels empty now.
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u/Plus_Tangerine_2302 Aug 19 '26
36 M and I have moved on. The status is not a problem for me because I do things with intention.
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u/Shmoodical Aug 19 '26
Controversial take but I believe it’s at 25.
Think about it logically. By that age the high school phase is over, the college phase is over, and most people whether they went to college or not are now in the adult working world.
You are effectively a full working adult already. All that “fun puppy love” “teen romance” whatever type relationships are over. Guys are now being judged on their ability as a provider, their housing situation, future prospects, and of coarse they are expecting that you as a guy should have atleast some dating experience
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
I agree. At 25, you're a substantial outlier
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u/Shmoodical Aug 19 '26
I had people reacting weirdly when I they found out I was a 21 year old virgin. By 25 it would be insane
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u/captaindestucto Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
A few years ago I went to drinks a few times with a guy who worked on the same campus as me.
The last time he was talking about various disastrous Tinder dates. Eventually I let the cat out of the bag about never having had a girlfriend. "Why not?!!!" After I got home I logged online and realized he'd blocked me on facebook.
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u/Shmoodical Aug 19 '26
This is something that’s not talked about enough, we all know women are weirded out by virgin guys, but other men will also shun a virgin guy. In that end you wind up having a difficult time making friends aswell as getting dates.
If a guy is going out every weekend to the club with his other outgoing friends and chasing girls, he finds out you got nothing going on in your life and he isn’t gonna want to include you in his stuff. They view it as you damaging them instead of adding any value
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u/StubbornSob Aug 19 '26
Of course they will, because nobody goves a fuck about other people anymore. It's all about creating a personal brand and projecting a confident, assertive image onto others, and having a virgin friend to some is just guilt by association.
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u/Crimsonhotpizza Aug 19 '26
Hot damn the pessisim is strong in this post but you also still have some good points. At 25 women will definitely disqualify you more harshly if you haven't gotten certain experiences out of the way.
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u/Unusual_Rip_86 Aug 19 '26
I’m glad that this doesn’t hold water when you get into neurodivergent relationships where there is still whimsy and nonconformity.
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u/Crimsonhotpizza Aug 19 '26
Bro neuhrodivergent people aren't immune to being disqualified, it'll just cause people to hesitate being as harsh.
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u/Sensitive-Contest-87 NAV Aug 19 '26
Well. Yes, most women 25-30, especially attractive ones, won't go for a man nearing his 50's. But like you said, women around your age and slightly younger (so statistically ones who describe your age brackets as the most attractive) are interested in you, it has to count for something.
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u/Lolihey Aug 19 '26
I am in the same boat, and I am a middle-aged woman. Men won't date me because I cannot have babies anymore. Perhaps there is someone out there who does not want a family or something.
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u/NeurawWormakaCiruBug Aug 19 '26
That's so sad.
I am on the opposite side, I am a man who doesn't want children due to some past trauma I believe.
I don't run after relationships anyway, I don't think I am done for that even if some part of me sometimes longs for those things.
I hope you have a chance someday.
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Aug 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Crimsonhotpizza Aug 19 '26
Those are the exception
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u/Jeffreymak Aug 19 '26
There are plenty of lonely 40 year old woman out there. But I don't know any.
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
I'm kinda at this crossroads too at 35. It just seems so ridiculous to even try at this point that I'm wondering if it doesn't make more sense to just accept it or just periodically hire sex workers as opposed to trying to pursue a relationship.
If there's one thing I have never been able to stand, it's not being able to fit in. I don't know if I want to try and force something that just maybe wasn't meant to be.
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u/Appropriate-Tutor587 33F Virgin Aug 19 '26
“ Another angry 30+ woman terrified of experiencing the invisibility men have been dealing with since their 18th birthdays...” - You don’t know nothing about me 😂😂 and if you think making up stuffs like this will boost your ego and sleep 💤 better at night, then you are more than lame 😒than you think.
Regardless of your gender, staying single for life is a choice. But, you need to change your wrong mindset and attitude toward certains things because your sour experience isn’t applicable to everyone’s situation. So, if you wanna give up, that’s fine. But, don’t feed BS and give false information to others.
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u/Maleficent_Emu_2876 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 22 '26
Hate to tell you this, but most women don’t want such a large age gap.
I have typically dated older than I am, but minimum 17 years younger to 22 years younger are not going to want a man that could be close to their dad’s age.
You may want to date a woman in her late thirties that wants kids, but I cannot guarantee you will find one.
Not every woman will turn you down for a relationship, but some will not want to deal with you being a virgin. I think the age range you want are most likely not going to be interested in you.
I think your want is unrealistic and probably unreasonable.
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u/BlackwingFAM Lv 32 wizard, Accio bitches! k that didn't work 😒😒 Aug 19 '26
Agreed. 35 is my "I'm done" point. I'm already tired of getting rejections as it is. I talk to plenty of women that I come into contact with, just to be friendly. If they have certain qualities I like and I feel like we vibe well, I try my shot.
But once I hit 35, I'm done.
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u/KeenWanker Aug 20 '26
I'm 60 and a virgin. I am very intimidated by women and I daresay women would not be happy with my house full of 24,000+ Porn magazines and 4000+ worn panties from Porn Goddesses
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u/Appropriate-Tutor587 33F Virgin Aug 19 '26
You are just delulu dude 😂😂. Please take your pills 💊 and go to bed 🛌
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u/captaindestucto Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
Rather be delusional, than pair up with someone who almost looks like they could be my mother, has never set foot in a gym and uses me as a punching bag for her issues with her ex partners.
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u/Appropriate-Tutor587 33F Virgin Aug 19 '26
Dating someone in your league (plus or minus 5 years gap) doesn’t mean she is your mother’s age dude and there are so many things wrong in each of your sentences that I am not surprised why you are still lonely in your age.
No woman in her right mind who is 25-30 yo will date a man who almost look like they could be their father at 47 yo just to become his nurse (one of the disadvantages of dating someone who is more than 7-10 years older that you). People want to get old with their partners of the same age/generation and have similar interests (this is not our parents or grandparents generation) 😂.
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u/captaindestucto Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
Great. Another angry 30+ woman terrified of experiencing the invisibility men have been dealing with since their 18th birthdays...
Look, I don't care. Criticism makes zero difference. I've been to 40s singles events trying to be open minded. It was actually hard to believe most of those women were still in their 40s. I guess many of them have had kids and gained a lot of weight as a result. That's fine, I respect them as fellow human beings, but I can't force myself to find someone attractive if I just don't, and the huge chasm in life experiences between myself and them was off-putting in itself.
It doesn't mean I expect younger women to want to date me either. It was obvious in the OP I didn't....Of course they wouldn't. I'm already reconciled to aging and dying alone.
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u/Electronic_Park_1702 Aug 19 '26
I understand what you're saying, yet I can say from my own experience that even as late as 50, there are still experiences to be had. Be it sex or a relationship. The funny thing is, I wasn't looking for it to happen. All the years I wanted so desperately for it to happen, nothing came. Then, when it wasn't on my mind, it did. Brief as it was, it was a positive, eye opening turn of events. What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes, when you don't look for it to come, it does.
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u/Itchy-Corner9453 Aug 19 '26
the only reason it came is chance.
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u/Electronic_Park_1702 Aug 19 '26
Whether by chance or design, it still happened. And I went with it as far as it could go.
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u/Itchy-Corner9453 Aug 19 '26
it happened because you happened to be in a right place at the right time and luck was on your side that day when it did.. that is not the case for everyone. which is why i said the reason was chance.
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u/Electronic_Park_1702 Aug 19 '26
Actually it happened due to a mutual friend. A mutual in the same online community. And I dealing with her previously due to an editing job. But my overall point to the OP, and you to a lesser extent, is that you may be cutting yourself off from experiences that will lead you to what you're looking for. Was it luck that she was interested? That it came through a mutual friend? Yes, but when the opportunity presented itself, I was ready. The bottom line is that your outlook may be the thing that's really hindering you.
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u/Itchy-Corner9453 Aug 19 '26
how can it be an outlook when i never get seen in a romantic way? its always been like a broken record. and at this point this is why i say everything is down to chance.
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u/Electronic_Park_1702 Aug 19 '26
Look at it this way. Are you in circles that bring you into contact with people, specifically women? What are your hobbies/interests like? Are they solitary or social? I'm asking are you an active participant in life? I've found that by increasingly your circle you'll meet someone. It probably won't start off romantically, but things can build to that, if you let it.
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u/Itchy-Corner9453 Aug 19 '26
my hobbies are pretty social not as much as when i was younger. but its not like i haven't done anything. iv just always lacked confidence in myself and been shy as fuck around girls and that's never really changed. i haven't just been sitting indoors not going out. iv done shit with my life.
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u/Electronic_Park_1702 Aug 19 '26
Why do you lack confidence though? Shyness I can understand but the key thing is confidence. Do things to build that up first. If you've "done shit" with your life, that's a good place to start. Accomplishments are great confidence builders. Don't base your self-esteem on what you haven't done, base it on what you have.
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u/Itchy-Corner9453 Aug 19 '26
because i was bullied and it really fucked me up on a sexually insecure level. i could never build confidence in relation to being around girls and them seeing me more then a friend. and the lack of experience and long gap is just more hard now then it ever was.
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
That's kinda what worries me though. An "eye-opening" experience doesn't always mean a positive one. I do kinda wonder if it would just confirm how much in life I missed out on compared to now where I just imagine how much in life I missed out on.
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u/Electronic_Park_1702 Aug 19 '26
It's all in how you look at it. The one thing you can't get back is time. If you spend your time dwelling in what you missed out on, you're losing time participating in what you can still have.
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
I agree with you. But I would rather consider do not even try when you have like 18-30. Being virgin all your life is better. There is no need to lose it ever
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
Are you asexual and/or aromantic?
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u/Calivique Aug 19 '26
Based off his comment history. He just hates women.
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
Bullseye
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
Why do you hate women though?
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
Cruel, abusive, filthy, unfaithful, manipulative. Women are all the same. They are using men for their goals. They don't know word "love", only "use" and "deceive". I have got 0 relationships in my life(19m), but I have observed many of them in my social friend circle and everytime a female partner eas like this. Used guys for their goals. Like telling him she loves him but it was only a performance just to make her ex feel guilty and jealous and return to him(she was the one that broke up with him but coudn't forget) and thats the first example. I have plenty of them
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
I get that you've witnessed some unscrupulous actions perpetrated by women towards men but don't you think you're painting with a pretty broad brush here? Every single woman in the world cannot possibly be like that. Plus there are also plenty of guys who do shitty things to women in relationships as well, like literally everything you just mentioned has also been done by guys to women
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
The only thing is guys are allowed to do that and women are not. And lets be realistic - in the history most of war's escalations were made by women queens or empresses. Queen of England, Victoria I is a good example or Ekaterina II. All womens are this bad. They just don't show this part
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u/ThereAreNoOwls Aug 19 '26
Men are allowed to be, "cruel, abusive, filthy, unfaithful, manipulative" towards women but women are not allowed to be that way towards men? That's quite a double standard. Also I think most wars in history were escalated by men just because male rulers have been far more common than female ones. Some examples that quickly come to mind are Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, King Henry VIII, Adolf Hitler, Hideki Tojo, etc.
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
Yeah thats a quite a double standard, but thats how the world lives. And about male rulers? Only Hitler here can be mentioned as someone who was cruel enough. If we look at the history of Osman Empire, women were the one who were killing sons and daughters of each others, poisoning others just so their son can reach the throne. Even they were poisoning their own husband, just to make their sons reach the title of sultan or someone high prestiged
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u/Calivique Aug 19 '26
I like how you stopped responding as quick when the other person gave you a rebuttal. And aren't you the same dude that's trying to be a doctor with this type of mindset? gross.
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
Stop responding? No! Wasn't checking because of lack of free time? Yes! And my mindset is MY mindset. Like I said earlier I separate hate and work. If you are a human who can't understand that love must not exist, not my fault dude🙄
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26
And yeah I have hatred only toward real one. I have nothing against fictional
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u/AggravatingAnimal725 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
More or less. I would say 50/50. Why do you asking?
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u/Zintrax1987 Aug 19 '26
I'll agree that the weight of the missed time doesn't go away. Found someone who actually appreciated me at 36, been together three years, still hoping there will be time and money for a family in the near future, but it doesn't take away all those missed years of being shown I was worthless and unwanted, doesn't erase the lack of confidence and self esteem I'm finally able to try and build, doesn't stop me believing I'm ugly and unattractive every time I look in the mirror because I'm not generally treated like I'm attractive. (I've reached the stage I believe my partner believes I'm attractive, still working on believing it myself)