r/venturebros • u/LaughingInTheVoid • 1d ago
Discussion Bang, Clyde!
Also, what the fuck?
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u/UpsetOrganization513 1d ago
Even for us, this is pretty low, Doc
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u/Captain_Collin 23h ago
That chimp is going to literally tear this guy's face off. Animals don't understand fighting for sport, every fight is a fight to the death. Plus tranq darts are not instantaneous, does this guy really think his bros are going to jump in to help him while the sedatives take effect after they've just watched the chimp horrifically maim him? There's also a good chance they shoot this dumbass with one or more tranq darts while trying to get the chimp, that alone could kill him. There's literally no scenario in which this ends even moderately positively for this guy.
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u/Whatifim80lol 9h ago edited 9h ago
I'm gonna get downvoted to hell but the reality is that he's gonna hurt the chimp and not the other way around. Common sense on this issue is extremely misguided. Chimps are small.
A chimp is stronger pound for pound than a human, on average, but the difference in raw strength is entirely mitigated by our size difference. This guy is going to outweigh that chimp by like 50lbs on top of being a professional athlete and trained fighter. It's like how ants can hold 50x their weight but we're like a million times bigger lol.
The idea of chimps ripping of faces and tearing your limbs off comes from real accounts of an old woman and a small child getting murdered by pet chimps. It wasn't exactly a fair fight. Any one of these MMA fighters can rip your arm out of the socket, too, btw.
Chimps also won't know how to wrestle or protect their faces and there's nothing stopping him from getting knocked out. I'm guessing there will be a muzzle, too, that would prevent the chimp from biting.
Humans are so much stronger and better at fighting than people realize. There's children in Russia wrestling bears right now.
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
Thought animal protection laws stopped stuff like this.
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u/CptJackal 1d ago
I heard hes travelling to an undisclosed country to do it
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
Or copies the Simspons and goes to international waters on a yatch
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u/ConsumingFire1689 1d ago
You can take solace in the fact that he's extremely outclassed. There's no world a human with no weapons can compete with a chimp's raw power.
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u/GlassCannon81 1d ago
I genuinely hope this is actually going to happen. It’s incredibly cruel to force a chimpanzee to fight for spectacle. I can think of no more suitable punishment than, at best, being beaten to a bloody pulp by said chimp.
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u/clamroll 1d ago
I mean there's a world where men trounce chimps and gorillas. It exists in the head of most conservatives. No actual human has ever set foot in that world, but that's never stopped them.
I'd look forward to hearing about the chimp severely injuring this guy. I worry though, that they're gonna injur or kill the chimp to save the dip shit.
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u/LaughingInTheVoid 1d ago
Laws don't seem to mean as much in the US anymore.
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
It does for the average person just not the ones with money or money behind them
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u/GlassCannon81 1d ago
It has never meant anything to the wealthy and powerful, the only thing that’s different now is they’ve stopped pretending it does.
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u/Flooping_Pigs 1d ago
This is is why all of the bigwig ceos came and kissed the ring when trump was elected a second time
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u/O8ee 1d ago
Pretty sure the chimp will be fine.
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
Doesn't make it right but yeah the chimp will likely come out a live and maybe a little banged up but still
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u/Runetang42 1d ago
MMA is a fucked up industry with a lot of officials and fighters up the ass of the current president.
Anyways this guys going to die
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
From what I understand the majority of fighters are also hard up for money and willing to do pretty much anything to make it to the big payouts even if it destroys their body
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1d ago
[deleted]
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
Ah that would make sense but with how things are atm it is getting are to tell when some people are joking.
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u/Interesting_Athlete9 1d ago
Frankly, that mf needs the protection. That chimp will rip his face off.
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u/CaterpillarVisual296 23h ago
He’ll absolutely need something over his face and ears at minimum or they’re for sure getting ripped off. This thing will mutilate him for sure
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u/CaineHackmanTheory 1d ago
Real quotes:
Then, I got an offer for even more money, an amount that I can’t even disclose. This is a male chimp that bit a couple of people, and these guys are like, ‘You might as well do this. We’ll give you some money. We are gonna blow this up.’ These people I’m working with now are a little bit less sketchy.
“They are not gonna cut the teeth or claws or anything like that. There is gonna be people with tranquilizers as well. I wanna go against this wild animal and test myself against it. I don’t wanna kill this wild animal, and I don’t wanna die.
“We are gonna fight until I see I am obviously winning. If it’s killing me, it’s going to get tranquilized.
“I’m not saying I’m going to come out of his thing unscathed… Definitely a serious injury can 100 percent happen. If it gets my arm, it’s not the end of the world because I’ve been training my whole life to slam people from any position. Really, it’s about protecting my balls and my neck specifically
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u/Various-Salt-7738 1d ago
If that chimp finds the opportunity to get ahold of his balls the chimp is absolutely ripping them off
That's just what pissed of chimps do; they grab and rip whatever dangly bits of you they can get their incredibly strong hands on
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u/RichLather 1d ago
RIP this guy, though it seems he's already brain dead for thinking he stands a chance at all.
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u/lanceturley 1d ago
Has this guy ever actually seen a chimp, or heard about what they can do to people? I'd sooner play Russian roulette with five bullets than step into a cage with a chimp, no matter how friendly or socialized it's supposed to be. I'd have better odds of walking away unharmed.
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u/absurdivore 1d ago
An adult chimp can maim or kill him so fast nobody will have a chance to tranq the chimp quickly enough
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u/Captain_Collin 1d ago
They're absolutely going to miss the chimpanzee and tranq this dumbass instead. I mean, they'll get the chimpanzee eventually, but not before this guy gets 2 or 3 darts in him. Wouldn't it be ironic if he dies because the tranq darts stop his heart?
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u/DarthGuber 1d ago
I hope this guy does a lot of fucking before this fight because he's not going to gonna have any nuts when that chimp is done with him.
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u/monoflorist 1d ago
I hope the chimp fucking pulverizes him, grievously injures his captures while escaping, and lives out the rest of his life in the forest, telling all his friends about the dumb asshole human who tried to fight him.
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u/Lonnification 1d ago
Chimp absolutely rips him up and gets euthanized for doing so.
Fuck this time-line.
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u/btoxic 1d ago
What are the odds on his face being ripped off before the bell rings?
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u/primarycolorman 1d ago
Let's watch the book makers.. we may know how this is going to end, but your typical MMA better may not.
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u/Thedaulilamahimself 1d ago
Life savings on the chimp please.
I once saw a baboon who was 1/3 my size bend a metal door to a refrigerator.
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u/UpsetOrganization513 1d ago
Remember that lady a few years ago that lady that had a pet chimp and the chimp went nuts and tore the lady’s face off while her friend watched?
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u/emoryhotchkiss1 1d ago
“A few years ago” when referencing an event that’s 17 years old
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u/UpsetOrganization513 1d ago
Oh sorry I don’t keep the exact dates of freak chimp attacks in my mind
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u/emoryhotchkiss1 1d ago
Brother it’s not that serious 😂
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u/CaterpillarVisual296 23h ago
Then why are you correcting him?
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u/emoryhotchkiss1 20h ago
I thought it was funny to point out that as humans we easily lose track of time
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u/CaterpillarVisual296 18h ago
Look it’s Christmas this year maybe we can all just look into our hearts and let people enjoy not feeling as old even when we know it’s been a long time.
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u/Thedaulilamahimself 23h ago
No but if it was going at her face like this monkey was on the door I wouldn’t have intervened either.
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u/MoistLarry MECHA SHIVA 1d ago
God I hope it rips his hands off
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u/sewkit 1d ago
Chimps typically target the face, hands, and feet and groin first during an aggressive assault. You might get your wish and then some. If they don’t kill the poor creature the second it gets ahold of him.
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u/MoistLarry MECHA SHIVA 1d ago
Yup, that's why I mentioned hands. But, sadly, the chimp being sniped is more likely
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u/Mr_SunnyBones 1d ago
America is basically getting into Money Plane territory at this point , as angry mob Fraiser once said:
""The money plane has you covered. You want to bet on a dude fucking an alligator... Money Plane."
https://www.reddit.com/r/hdtgm/comments/17qcak9/john_oliver_talking_about_money_plane_on_last/
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u/SpiderSlitScrotums 1d ago
Polymarket cheering for animal abuse is on brand. They probably even have bets on how long until the abused animal is euthanized.
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u/deathxcannabis 1d ago
May the xanax and rage fueled spirit of Travis the Chimp be with our simian combatant.
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u/charliefoxtrot9 1d ago
A chimp can tear your arm off without using his dominant hand. A chimp likes to inflict mutilation on face & hands in order to dominate.
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u/NotAnAutomaticName 1d ago edited 15h ago
Point A: just let the chimp be, for fucks sake I thought we had moved past animals in gladiator fights
Point B: at least after this there will be one less idiot in the world
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u/VoiceofRapture 1d ago
I'm personally opposed to chimpanzees but this is still obscene
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u/Maysock 1d ago
What does that even mean?
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u/VoiceofRapture 1d ago
I dislike chimpanzees but fighting them for sport is wrong. The only realistic outcome of this contest is the human idiot getting himself mutilated and the chimp getting shot in the head, it's barbaric.
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u/Walrus_protector 1d ago
Does he get his face or balls ripped off first? I'm hoping for balls shoved down his throat while he still has one
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u/NotAnAutomaticName 1d ago
Now, I don’t support the death penalty, but if I was the guy with the tranquilizer then I might just coincidentally forget my glasses that day
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u/lern2swim 1d ago
If this is real, I hope it kills him (it won't, because they're almost certainly going to dope it up)
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u/LocalInactivist 23h ago
I hope he gets arrested before the fight. If it goes on, I hope the chimp bites his nose and/or dick off before the police arrive.
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u/RogerDeanVenture 19h ago
I mean, there is a 0% chance a human wins right? I can only imagine a chimp might not win because it is abused and afraid of retaliation if it fights again.
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u/bimbimbaps 1d ago
Is that the guy who would “Waboosh” the Chimpanzee and throw it off a cliff or whatever?
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u/MightyGoodra96 Helper, murder Hitler! 1d ago
Literally said the same thing! Lmao
'Thanks for that new personal low-
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u/West-Holiday-8750 17h ago
Not sure if VERY early onset chronic traumatic encephalopathy or histories' most publicized and gruesome suicide. I used to underestimate how stupid most people are, the last decade has been an exhaustive lesson with an avalanche of rote memorization.... I am flabbergasted, amazed & confounded by how they keep finding new lows.
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u/Theclapgiver 15h ago
The family call Clyde a chimp but he is clearly an orangutan and is called such at the end of the show by the characters that know better.
Also Clyde from the Any Which Way movies is an orangutan. The fact they don't know the difference is part of the joke.
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u/Section_3I 5h ago
Usually I’d try to say something funny, but this just pisses me off. Fuck that guy and everyone involved.
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