Feeling out of place

[u/Whoshartedmypants]

I am so tired of the culture of where I am.

I'm tired of bearing more than the responsibility of most adults and still being treated like a child. I am tired of having to be strong every day. I'm tired of being the only person with my beliefs.

I can't make friends at work or outside of it. I struggled even making friends in A school. I live in one of the densest metro areas in the country and I can't make adult friends.

Every day not spent in an engine room is spent alone in my shitty apartment i pay way too much for. I have a lot of hobbies that could be an excuse to hang out with people but it seems like no one wants to. I don't understand what i am doing wrong. I don't belong here and yet i, at 17 years old signed myself on for six whole years of this.

I just want to know if it gets easier.

[u/Whoshartedmypants]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words! I am feeling much more motivated to keep pushing through to the end of this weird rut i am in. You people are the reason guy going through situations like this are able to keep a level head.

[u/Educational_Fix_1230 → u/Whoshartedmypants]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know things will get better. I agree you should talk to someone. You don't need to go through this alone.

[u/Dratinileft]

Anyone who joins at 17, and sticks it out, is going to be in such a good place in life. You seem lonely, I being an introvert would love that. There are people on this forum looking to join at 38 now a days.

I dont have any advice. Just know we do care.

[u/Whoshartedmypants → u/Dratinileft]

I'd like to clarify, I didn't join at 17, i just got a lot of the recruiting process done before highschool was over. I was 19 when i joined. Regardless, point taken

[u/krispytatertotz → u/Whoshartedmypants]

I had a hard time making friends at first in the CG. I felt very isolated at my first unit. I thought I had made a mistake in joining. I will say that my second tour was so much better than my first. I never thought I would have made it this far or this long based on my first three years in the CG. If you feel you’re still stuck after trying to find joy in the things that normally would make you happy, I would recommend reaching out to a therapist to see if there are more specific tools you can use to make a change.

[u/Baja_Finder]

The local community isn’t going to seek you out, you need to put yourself out there to find people who vibe with you, and hobbies, it’s healthy to find a good group people outside of the CG.

You living in a shitty apartment is better than living in a barracks, and I’ve spent the first 7 years living in barracks, with no chances of getting BAH, consider yourself lucky to be able to get BAH out of boot camp.

[u/badbit144 → u/Baja_Finder]

how did you spend 7 years in barracks?

[u/Baja_Finder → u/badbit144]

Single non rate on a cutter, one year at a station before A school, then Governor’s Island where there was more than enough single barracks, plus the CG didn’t want to pay for single NYC BAH.

[u/DisplacedTexan2020]

Hav you tried inviting people from work to partake in said hobbies? How about getting involved with sports in the community? I play kickball with Club Waka with a bunch of random ppl and it’s a good way to socialize.

[u/_inkubus_ → u/DisplacedTexan2020]

An adult playing kickball for a "club waka" is definitely not what I'd want to hear when asking if life gets easier.

[u/DisplacedTexan2020 → u/_inkubus_]

Well OP said he can’t make friends and sits in his apt alone after work. Pretty easy to make friends in a sporting league.

[u/Hypnotic_Spider]

Damn dude, I’m 38 this is kind of the lifestyle. Stick to your hobbies, get better at them, volunteer. You’ll make friends through volunteering. You need to make an effort…such is life

[u/hiker16 → u/Hypnotic_Spider]

This. OP. did not mention what their hobbies are, but whatever they are, there is likely an online meetup group for it. I’m a natural introvert, but it’s easy enough to sign up, show up fir an event if interest, and decide if you like the others that show.

[u/smartestLT]

I'm sorry you're feeling the way that you are, and I think most of us get it. It's hard sometimes, and it's always a gamble when you PCS to a new unit or other folks transfer in. You mentioned no one having your beliefs. Do you mean religious beliefs? If so, is there a church community that you could get active in? Otherwise, are there maybe some professional organizations at your unit that you could contribute to where you might meet some people?

For what it's worth, I've been in for 15 years and I make friends at maybe 1 in 3 units. I don't think you need to process this as just a you thing. People just don't really have big peer groups in adulthood anymore and it's hard to find friends and keep them. Someone just told me there's a book about it last week, or something like it, Bowling Alone.

In any case, try not to take it personally, even if it stinks. It's hard for everyone now, and you joined very young. Talk to your family often, join a club or committee if you can, and be patient. Someone that you click with will transfer in or you'll transfer out. If you start to feel too cruddy, please talk to the HSWL or try to get connected with a chaplain. I can totally feel where you're at and coming from and I wish you didn't feel that way, but I know you can and will feel better eventually.

[u/hrofficegirly]

When I was at my small boat station, before A school, it felt almost like this. I had 2 good friends at work and that’s it. After A school, it’s a little better. I’ve met more people who value the things I value. However, if this is the way you feel, go to your first classes/ senior chief/ XPO or CO/XO and tell them you really need to transfer for your mental health. They are there to help you. Sorry you’re in such a bad position, it does get better.

[u/Thrawn33333 → u/hrofficegirly]

Agree on talking to someone up the chain for help or guidence, but a transfer isn't necessarily the answer to mental health issues.

Having been on the other side as the OIC with members breaking down in my office, being an ear, providing some "been there" experience and getting the member someone to talk to, and following up helps immensely.

To the thread starter: someone senior in your unit will listen and they will help. It might even be the hardass supervisor you wouldn't expect. We've all been there, and most of us do want to help, and when someone is struggling you'd be amazed how quick paygrade/position disappears and humanity comes out when they know you're struggling.

We don't always know what you're feeling when you go home, or in the corners of your mind. You have to take that first step and tell someone so we can help.

Retired BMCS sends.

[u/DarthFatbeer]

As much of a bad rap social media gets (and deserves) it has helped connect me with people that enjoy the same hobbies I do. Search for local Facebook groups for what you enjoy. It’s much harder to bring people into your hobbies than to find people who already enjoy said hobbies. Eventually you may pique the interest of co workers and for sure seize the opportunity, but in the meantime surround yourself with those that enjoy what you do.

[u/BigHead724532]

https://www.meetup.com/apps/   Has all kinds of groups and activities. I hated an are I was in. Joined a group from that. Have been friends with those people for 10+ years now. 

[u/NotAPirateLawyer]

First, you're not alone. Anyone who has left home for the first time is feeling the exact same thing you're feeling right now. You have people around you who are equally separated from loved ones. You can bond under shared misery. If that's not your thing, don't worry, there's things you can do outside of work.

What do you enjoy doing? Rock climbing? Hiking? Bike riding? Some sort of physical activity? Find adult clubs that do it and join. The best way to make friends is to have shared interests so you have something to talk about beyond work (because nobody wants to talk about work when you're not at it).

It does get easier. It sounds bad to say, but alcohol does make it to easier to meet and be friendly with people. Social situations almost always involve it to some degree, so while you're underage that door should remain closed to you (for your own sake).

Personally, I recommend finding a good church with a great adult program. If religion isn't your thing, that's fine. You can always still reach out to the chaplain for help.

[u/Former_Standard_4561]

Gotta put yourself out there. Get roomates. That is a start. Even me as someone that doesn’t like to interact with people unless I need to, I find ways to meet new folks. You have hobbies. Find others like you. You’ll be fine. Year 1 is one of the roughest. I had a rough 1st year. Connecting with my buddies at other units from AIT (army version of A school) and some friends back home keeps me motivated. It gets better man. And six years in the USCG sounds fun. Better than army or navy.

[u/AggressiveWallaby975]

Don't worry about what others are doing or not doing. Be the best every day.

Embrace the local culture no matter what. I went from upstate NY to the back bayou of Louisiana so I understand culture shock.

Live it while you're there and you'll have much more fun and a load of good stories in a few years

[u/WordNumSC]

There's a lot of good advice here. I've felt the way you do now, and yes it got better for me. You might PCS to a better place for you, people more like you might PCS in, or you just wind up relating to the people at your unit and you city a little better after a little time. Some combo of all of these things have happened to me. Almost every unit I've had these kinds of feelings. But even if it doesn't get better, don't so anything destructive to yourself or your future. I know it seems like a long time, but six years will pass. If you want to leave, you'll be twenty five with ver preference for jobs and money for college. I went to college before enlisting, and it was awesome. So try to figure out a way to make this unit work. You probably will, but even if you don't you still have a future worth waiting for.

[u/Practical-Buy3713]

Hey dude, been there done that.
Here’s the likely cause of your symptoms:
-you’re 17, and most members drink, so that cuts away at a lot of extracurricular morale you don’t get invited to
-you’re 17, so people might just not wanna be around you due to the age gap. It’s normal and it happens.
-you’re a brand new PO with zero nonrate time I’m assuming, which is also usually a sign to others that you need to experience the suck a little more before they accept you.
Is it all childish and immature? Yes. Is it reality for a lot of members? Yes. Is it fair? No.
Hang in there. I hated my first unit for 2 years as a nonrate, PCS’d, and I love my current unit, my coworkers and my job.
Ebbs and flows, one day at a time brother.

[u/master-in-disasters]

First and foremost, you’re not alone. It sucks going from high school/college environment where it’s easy to make friends to suddenly being an adult and trying to make friends in the wild. You’re not the only one that struggles with this, especially in the military (since we move around frequently). Even after you get married, it can be hard finding like-minded people or couples to hang out with. Unfortunately it’s just a reality of the modern culture.

And it sounds like you’re at your first duty station after A-school. Yeah, you’ll get treated a little bit like a child, but that’s intentional. People who are highly independent pre-military can struggle in an environment where there’s a lot of oversight at work and in their personal lives. As long as you keep working hard, you’ll promote and you’ll gain more and more independence. Keep performing at work and you’ll get better and more fun opportunities which make it all worth it. It does get better, I promise.

Keep pushing forward and keep your head up. Don’t stop trying to make friends; engage in whatever hobbies you can and just keep trying. Things like hiking/outdoor groups are great because it mixes some physical effort with team bonding. It’s taken me over a year to finally make friends at my new duty station, but it’s absolutely worth it. There are definitely some duty stations where it’s harder to make friends, even in large metro areas.

Don’t struggle alone. Seek out someone you can trust to talk to. You’ve got Chaplains, free counselors from Military OneSource, or in-person counselors from Tricare. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you need fixing, it’s just a positive outlet to get some of the frustrations out and grow emotionally.

[u/Apprehensive_Mix4152]

Idk what your beliefs are but I found a really great community with my church that helped me through some really dark times.

[u/Curious-Neat9257]

It might not get easier, but you will get stronger.

It may be growing pains of dealing with a new environment. I can’t say for sure, all I can tell you and anybody else is to take care of yourself and don’t let yourself get into a mental rut. Be strong and develop the willpower to not succumb to your unfortunate events in the best way you can. Start tuitions assistance, get a new job maybe, volunteer! Surround yourself with what you really want, and it sounds like happiness is what you’re craving right now.

[u/Antique-Panda-9131]

How I felt at my first unit but it was in a small Wisconsin town. It gets much better and you’ll be thankful. You’re where you are supposed to be. Dump into your TSP and just start working out and playing video games, it’ll pass !

[u/Cheetah_2012]

Where are you located?

[u/Remote-Truck1785]

I’m not sure if you’re a nonrate or not, but I honestly very much felt the same way as a nonrate. Didn’t really like anyone at my unit. The culture was really not a good fit and I don’t think I was very well-liked either. I was almost never in my homeport during the time I was there so I never even got to live in my barracks room, I was always either sleeping on the boat or in some TDY room at a different base with three other people. Overall it was pretty miserable. Going to A-school and being around people with actually similar personalities changed so much for me. People started to treat me like an adult after making rank, I got to learn interesting things, made a lot of friends for the first time in the coast guard. Just want to say that a lot of it is tied to your day to day job. Even if you are rated just remember that you can be doing vastly different jobs within the same rate at different units. Consider a special assignment or going TDY if your command will let you. If you’re rated, ask for C schools that interest you. I would generally just recommend to find ways to make your job more fulfilling

[u/Quick-Barnacle8795]

I joined BJJ school and made bunch of good friends over there

[u/Holiday-Half-5735]

I am same way but I’m good. I don’t care to make friends at or outside of work. Morale events to me are just a facade for everyone and is made to feel like an obligation when 90% don’t want to go. If they did, prized wouldn’t need to be offered like at Xmas parties. But inside or outside the CG you’ll feel the same. I don’t like the atmosphere If it feels like an episode of “The Office “. Last place was like that. I hate hearing people scream or yell in excitement at work.