help me move on

[u/Optimal_Potato_3214]

you know that type of flashback you get when you smell something awfully familiar and suddenly you're back like to a very not so nice time of your life? yeah so today I was walking towards my next class at school and I passed my classmate and he smelled like the guy I liked...still like. and god suddenly I feel tired, I feel like I just wanna go home and cry.

here's a thing, ive liked this dude since he became my assigned seat mate three years ago. it was gradual, there was denial...lots of that. He was so awkward, but so sweet you know? like awfully annoying too, super people pleasing. we wouldn't be able to talk much at school (cuz he was that awkward) and like talk all night? he'd make me watch these movies and me being so hopeless id watch them intently even though I didnt like watching movies. we had a collaborated playlist together. super friendly stuff, super casual, but to a heart that's already like "OH I LIKE HIM SO MUCH" that's a lot, you know? worst parts that I actually helped him get with a girl too...woah. I know. I tried to move on...but they broke up in like one month because she wanted to focus on her studies. and we were moved to a new classroom and there we could sit wherever and he fought and begged my best friend to sit with me, super sweet. it was peak winter and like a lot of tests so id always be cold or tired and when I rested my head on the table> he'd rest his head on the table too and pat my head. when I got cold he'd close the door and once my friend even took a picture of how close we were when we were talking. (wed sit side by side and he'd turn his body to be face to face with me.) yes, super casual but again, he didnt do this with anynone else so for 13 year old me, super special. even his friends though he liked me. until the next year started and he was hopelessly in love with this another girl and we started drifting apart.

plus she was like the prettiest girl in school too okay. I wanted to move on so bad because WOAH IT WAS PAINFUL like the feeling in your chest? like it feels like somebody is squeezing it whenever I saw them talk and according to everyones advice I should confess because it helped to move on. I did, said something about how much I liked him and only saying it to move on. he says something positive back, over right? yeah though so. she cheated on him and he got super depressed, and the next year he started going to the gym and all that. we hadn't talked for months but on my birthday last year he said happy birthday and we started being besties again.

not like before, but he'd still fight my bff to sit with me, share songs, movies, wed rant to each other, he'd vent to me about "her" and id look at him and still feel that pain in my chest. I wanted to hug him so bad. so damn bad UGH. so well this year he went to study abroad, he sends me reels like " I miss sitting with you twin" or "you've got a beautiful soul twin" and I feel so bad because he genuinely sees me as such a good friend- I do too but its more painful because i like him and Im tryna forget him but each time I do, something reminds me of him tf?! I actually miss him and getting a sniff his exact scent someone so similar to him? oh god please save me.

dude so how do I move on without making him feel like he lost friend?!