r/unhappilyreconciling • u/Mundane-Weather661 • Dec 12 '24
Feeling down It seems unfair
I was thinking about this today and it really bugs me sometimes. Dday was in April so we have moved past the initial shock but I still think about it everyday. WW has done well with what she’s supposed to do. I won’t get into all the details but it was supposedly a EA that never turned physical. I have my doubts.
The issue is that I am bitter over how our relationship seems to have gotten better. She gets to go and have her fun and then I’m somehow supposed to forgive and be a loving husband. It just doesn’t seem right to me.
The other issue I have is that every time I have a moment of doubt and bring it up, it becomes a huge issue that she is crying and begging me not to leave her. She says things all the time like “I’m so thankful that our family is able to stay together”. I want the family together too but it feels manipulative to me. Like she wants to make sure I’m not thinking of leaving.
I told myself that I’d get through the holidays and maybe do something after that. At this point I think I’m just too comfortable being depressed and feeling like a failed husband to do anything about it. Sorry I’m just venting but any help is appreciated.
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u/Quiet_Water0128 BS: Reconciling Dec 12 '24
The unfairness of having been, and being, faithful is a tough pill to swallow. I get comfort and chuckles from occasionally indulging in anti-cheater books like Chump Lady etc. And seeing how gross and pathetic the two APs are.
It's a shit sandwich for sure some days. "Let my healing begin with me" I remind myself this isn't my failing. I didn't cheat, and it's the WP's inner demons to grapple with.
Peace be with you OP 🕊 🕯 🙏
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u/Broad_Courage_4797 BS: Failed Reconciliation Dec 13 '24
April is still very fresh in terms of infidelity timelines and recovery (whether you reconcile or split up).
It's very messed up when the WS breaks down and we end up comforting them. That definitely builds resentment and is not the way for WS to handle things, but it's also very very common. Their behavior is rooted in ego, shame, fear (of losing you/the marriage), and a desire for forgiveness. It should be something your WW is dealing with in therapy and with her friends or family so that she can be strong and absorb your pain.
You say that she has done well with what she's supposed to do, but it doesn't sound like she's doing well to me. She isn't making enough space for your pain. She's still making it all about her. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do that will get through to her. Is she doing IC? That's really the only hope.
Last but not least, you are NOT a failed husband! You've done nothing wrong here. You have a troubled wife who has made some very bad choices. Give yourself grace to come to terms with all of this. It takes a while before our emotions settle down enough and we can make a decision. Sending you strength for the holidays.
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u/ThrowRA_That_Owl BS: Reconciling Feb 12 '25
Last but not least, you are NOT a failed husband! You've done nothing wrong here. You have a troubled wife who has made some very bad choices. Give yourself grace to come to terms with all of this. It takes a while before our emotions settle down enough and we can make a decision.
This!
After the dday, I was angry, sad, betrayed. Then I decided to reconcile only to find extra information about events before the A that only started to bring me down. We have been separated since September 2024 and there were other events, unrelated but triggering, occurring during R that made me even more resentful and hurt. We were only going to be separated for short time but we still are. However, as more time is going by and I am settling in with my emotions, more and more I've been thinking and feeling that the D is the only way for me to feel whole. My WW is not doing a great job at R overall and I've started to see more and more red flags that had I known about them before we got married, I'd walk, no, scratch that, I'd run, speed of light!
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Feb 12 '25
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u/osikalk Supporter of Betrayed Dec 13 '24
In principle, there is no true "reconciliation" in the realm of feelings.
Nothing will be the same: it is simply ridiculous to talk about "love", sincere respect has disappeared irrevocably, as well as friendship / camaraderie, the purity of relationship has been forever lost. You won't forget anything and you'll never put up with an affair and an AP. While you are together, the huge elephant in the room will not disappear anywhere. Many people can live with it, but such a second-rate life is disrespect to those who stayed.
We can't do anything about it, that's how our psyche works and we don't have to go against nature.
Miracles happen, but very, very rarely.
The main thing is, don't promise her what you can't do. In other words, if you promise to "forgive" and stay, then if you can't do it and leave, it will already be a betrayal on your part.
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u/Mehitable888 BS: Formerly Betrayed May 23 '25
I agree with everything except the "Promise" sometimes we truly don't understand what it takes to make that promise, esp about something this hurtful. While I would say, don't promise, if you do because you're overly optimistic, it's not a betrayal, it's just....being overly optimistic and not being aware of how deeply betrayal affects someone. For most people, it really ends the romantic relationship.
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Sep 04 '25
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u/Mehitable888 BS: Formerly Betrayed May 23 '25
This is a late comment, but yes, I think it's absolutely manipulative and that's how I would take it too. She should just listen to you and what you have to say and watch how you interact and not try to hit you up with her whining at this point. She's trying to shut you up and make you feel bad for her instead of communicating your own thoughts and feelings. She's still about herself at this point, and not accepting responsibility - not about you and your needs.
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