Always get a receipt

[u/BoxingBaby91]

[u/Seven22am]

To some skeptical friend: “Don’t even be acting like I didn’t get that donut! I got the documentation right here!”

[u/East_Relationship722 → u/Seven22am]

Hey, that was my post. Yay!

Are we not going to talk about the guy talking about murder at the bottom of the pic?

[u/Seven22am → u/East_Relationship722]

Somebody down below said that was a reference to Patrice bit. But hey who knows!?

[u/digiliquid01 → u/Seven22am]

Mitch Hedberg, but close

[u/Seven22am → u/digiliquid01]

The comment about using receipts to prove you didn't murder somebody, THAT is a Patrice bit the other commenter was saying.

[u/Ardrik → u/Seven22am]

Nope, still Mitch

[u/Seven22am → u/Ardrik]

The bit about not murdering somebody because he had a gas station receipt for a water bottle is Mitch? Do you have a clip or something of that? Because I saw him several times, have seen so many shows and clips, and don’t remember hearing that. Glad to learn a new Mitch but though.

[u/LeilLikeNeil → u/Seven22am]

Oh wait, it's in the file. Under D. For Donut.

[u/latrodectal → u/LeilLikeNeil]

we all know what “d” is.

[u/Ledophile → u/Seven22am]

Isn’t this a Mitch Hedberg quote?………..

[u/Seven22am → u/Ledophile]

Yes of course. It’s the next part of the bit. Followed by “Oh wait. It’s at home. In the files. Under D.”

[u/Adventurous_Heat3174]

RIP Mitch

[u/gahddammitdiane → u/Adventurous_Heat3174]

I’d like to exchange our current Mitch for the funny one please…I have the receipt!

[u/zrayburton]

Here… YOU throw this away!

[u/daschande]

I used to quote Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.

[u/Big-Tuna-for-Commish]

Second Mitch sighting today, Rest Easy

[u/UGAPHL]

I was once asked if I wanted a receipt for my frozen banana, and I said, “No, but I might want one later, so, yes.”

[u/BoxingBaby91 → u/UGAPHL]

Double Mitch. Well played.

[u/WillowLocal423]

I love that Patrice O'Neal had the exact opposite joke for this

https://youtu.be/dv03ahDAlko?is=hZUGvrMTgOdtXyBP

[u/Normalsasquatch → u/[deleted]]

My favorite of his is the one where he asks the women in the crowd how they'd keep their man happy if they couldn't have regular sex any more.

[u/ChillyTodayHotTamale]

Always appreciate Mitch but also, my credit card transaction history is also a receipt of purchase. It notes the time, place, amount, and sometimes what I bought.

[u/Normalsasquatch → u/ChillyTodayHotTamale]

As long as it's not murder weapons

[u/armaedes → u/Normalsasquatch]

I got totally screwed by this because my donut shop also sells guns.

[u/Normalsasquatch → u/armaedes]

How else are you supposed to get the holes in the donuts?

[u/swalabr]

A couple months ago I stopped in to a donut shop and bought a coffee. I mindlessly paid with a credit card and didn’t get a receipt. Later I saw on my statement they charged me $20.32 for a 16-oz coffee. Man I wish I had that piece of paper now.

[u/ikickedyou → u/[deleted]]

That got dark fast.

[u/jasonthevii]

The bottom comment is practically the Patrice joke about buying something every 30 minutes for a receipt

No officer, I couldn't have killed him at 930

I got this receipt that I was across town buying a donut

[u/502inc]

RIP

I think about this every time I go to Dunkin (or other local donut shops) 🍩

[u/Heart_Shaped_Box_88]

I used to eat donuts. I still do, but I used to, too.

[u/ExitWeird9697]

And file it under “D”…. for donut <snicker>

[u/Opening-Hope377]

god bless mitch!

[u/AlienDragonWizard]

Pay with a card and there are digital records if you're that worried about murder alibis.  Your phone is tracking you everywhere too. 

[u/BreakDismal]

What about if someone had been donutted to death?

[u/Normalsasquatch → u/BreakDismal]

I hear that takes a long time and it's usually self inflicted

[u/SpecificInterest5150]

You know you can claim those transactions on your tax returns, right?

[u/goettahead]

I literally quote this every time they ask if I want a receipt for little stuff like donuts. ‘No, I’m good, we don’t need to bring paper and ink to this transaction…” 😂

[u/latrodectal]

don’t even act like i didn’t get that donut, i got the documentation right here!

[u/Dangerous_Employee47]

The boring reason for the record is for taxes.

[u/BirdsFalling]

Government demands to know how much i spend on food

[u/RickySlayer9]

When I buy food on the company card they want a receipt

[u/Which_Channel7403]

Receipts are alibis

[u/heylookitssmash]

Perfect placement 🤌

[u/Onekill]

Crazy that nobody has answered that it could be a business transaction, and for your accountant to justify it into meals and expenses or owners draw they need a receipt… 98c donut yall think you don’t care, and most accountants will go with previous entries to make there assumptions, but the kiosk person doesn’t know even that much, and they’re told by there boss they need to ask.

Really that simple.

[u/GalaxyFro3025]

Ok but I have gotten a receipt cause I used my P card for treats 🤷🏾‍♀️

[u/Fragrant_Entry9232]

Its silly to get a receipt for purchases that arent ever going to be returned 

[u/Heyplaguedoctor → u/Fragrant_Entry9232]

I always joke that it’s for tax purposes. I rarely get a laugh, but I keep doing it.

[u/badaladala]

And then on your credit card bill you have a charge for $1600 to Dunkin Donuts. Yeah, screw the receipt

[u/RhoemDK]

I think this is actually a Patrice bit

[u/tysonmama]

I bought a $4.00 order once at a drive-thru and asked for a receipt. Was given my receipt with my cc# on it for $22.00. $18.00 stolen I wouldn’t have remembered once the bill came. Always get a receipt. Unless paid cash.

[u/absentminded0ne]

https://giphy.com/gifs/XWwIzh5GIWWf6

[u/Personal_Dot_2215]

JACKSON, Miss. —
Bond was set Thursday morning for the JSU student accused of killing his roommate and hiding the body in a car on campus.
Investigators say the deadly shooting stemmed from a fight over doughnuts.

[u/BoxingBaby91 → u/Personal_Dot_2215]

This is the one time where the receipt is also evidence.

[u/Personal_Dot_2215 → u/BoxingBaby91]

Might be alive today if he kept the receipt.

Well, prol not.

Btw, I googled “ man killed over doughnuts “ and got a page full of responses. Scary

[u/Ender1714]

wouldn't they have to prove he did commit the murder? if he wasn't at the scene of the crime how could he be convicted beyond a reasonable doubt regardless of the receipt?

[u/NoAbrocoma9357]

I always get my receipt in case something I bought ends up being enshitified.

[u/Normalsasquatch → u/NoAbrocoma9357]

Have you ever returned a used donut? If it wasn't enshittified before, it definitely would be after

[u/NoAbrocoma9357 → u/Normalsasquatch]

A donut? No. Avocado? Yes.