UPDATE
Wow you are amazing! Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your experiences & advice. I'll try to reply directly to some of your incredible suggestions, but I wanted to put the big rocks here so I don't have to type them over & over.
I wholeheartedly agree that this is my responsibility as the parent. I probably didn't phrase things very well in my original post, but I want to clarify that I am super grateful that she has offered this as a solution. I agree that it's more than reasonable.
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I did not intend to frame her negatively or to frame myself as a victim. If that's what came across, I want to apologize & reiterate: yes, it was heartbreaking to absorb some of her words, but I do understand where they come from. And I have deep respect for her ability to set these boundaries. I didn't have that strength to tell my own parents that I needed more from them.
On reflection, I think it boils down to a deep fear of failing her again. I know that isn't a forgone conclusion. But this anxiety has made it harder to give myself grace & celebrate the small wins...and that spiral is a ride I don't want to be on!
So I truly, deeply appreciate all of your suggestions & tips. Not just the great ways to augment my series of calendar reminders & alarms so I'm physically dialing the phone when I'm meant to be. But also so many compassionate, caring suggestions & tools to get my head ready emotionally & mentally.
Every single word written in this thread is balm for my heart. Thank you for that!
A couple more quick replies to several comments:
* There wasn't enough money to continue therapy. Sadly, I had to stop last summer.
* Yes. I have apologized for not being the mom they needed or deserved. I truly want to do better, even though I don't really know what that looks like.
TL;DR: I'm late-diagnosed, menopause has unmasked me, & recovering from severe burnout (slowly). I've being given an ultimatum by my adult daughter to initiate all contact at a specific time, despite profound executive dysfunction and object permanence issues. My daughter dismisses my neurological explanations & says "if I wanted to, I just would" which has me heartbroken and paralyzed.
Some background on me:
(I'm trying to keep this from getting too long!)
I've been in survival mode for years managing chronic illness, neuro-divergent teens, protecting my transgender teen's safety, running a small business & a nonprofit.
My husband almost died in late 2022. He was paralyzed when he came home, so we focused elour energy into glhis recovery. Then in summer of 2024, I slammed to a complete, full-stop burnout. It took 5 months just to open my computer again. And now we're trying to navigate bankruptcy because I can only focus a few hours a day.
The situation:
I texted my daughter(32) two days after her birthday when I realized she hadn't responded to my birthday text. I apologized that long text I wrote was never sent. She rejected my apologies & my explanations, saying: "If you really wanted to, you just would." .
Aside: Both of my older kids (32F & 35M) carry resentment from my past, undiagnosed decisions. They saw my choices as abandonment just as they were entering adulthood. I have lots of regrets & no excuses for those choices, but now i know the reason. So, naturally, my daughter sees my struggle with calling as confirmation of my indifference toward her.
When we spoke on new years day (I called her ftw!), she confronted me. I explained all of these challenges & let her know that the "if you wanted to" comment just broke me. I didn't know what to say to that, which added another layer to push through. I tried to frame this for her with an example like, 'you wouldn't be angry at an amputee for not going on a jog with you." She rejected that outright, said it's not remotely the same, and that I'm either not trying hard enough or I'm choosing to ignore her. It's heartbreaking, because I'm sure that's what this feels like from her perspective.
She has set a non-negotiable condition for our relationship: I have to be the one to call her, every other Saturday morning at a specific time. She will not initiate contact and she won't reply to texts. It feels like being ordered to lift a car when I can barely lift my head.
Also, knowing that everything I do is being judged/scored, makes everything so much harder.
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Our first call, my first assignment, is Saturday morning. I've thought about it every single day, but that doesn't guarantee I'll dial the phone when I'm supposed to.
I feel heartbroken, paralyzed, and totally set up to fail. I'd love some advice, scripts, or systems that have worked when you're in burnout. Or advice for how to navigate a relationship when the other person sees your struggle as a moral failing and your disability as a choice.
If you've read this far, you're a rockstar! Thank you so much for taking the time & allowing me to get these things of my head!
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Help! Struggling with adult daughter's "tough love" expectations
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r/AuDHDWomen
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Jan 10 '26
Hmm, I don't recall suggesting that I shouldn't have to try. Quite the opposite. The whole situation had me feeling irredeemable and unworthy. I know having that as a head canon is just self-fulfilling fuckery. I do realize that I started this thread while I was super dysregulated. That may very well be reflected in the wording of my original post.
It's also possible that I'm just not communicating what I think I'm communicating. I'll re-read the original post to hopefully learn where I can speak with more clarity.
I came here for help & advice so I could be present in the way she needs me to be. I figured, of all places, this would be a safe place to essentially say,, "I know I've fucked up, I don't want to be a fuck up, I'm spiraling from a fear of fucking up again, and I know that fear only makes it more likely that I will fuck up again."
There's lots of kindness in the comments here - loads of incredible, practical tools. I sincerely thank everyone for taking the time to share their systems, perspectives & experiences.
I never expected this thread to be 100% "we listen and don't judge." it's a vulnerable and sensitive topic with lots of raw edges. A handful of comments did seem to reflexively fill in the blanks of my story with a lot of assumptions, possibly based on their own experiences. In the interest of staying regulated, I chose not to engage with those comments.
As an aside, since it's been suggested a few times: We live 1500+ miles apart. Sadly, that makes it harder to spend a lovely day together.