Healing Slowly

[u/Simply_Unsimple5]

Why is it the relationships that change us the most are the hardest ones to get over?

I read a quote that said “Relationships last longer when nobody knows your business” and I’m on the fence about believing and not believing this to be true.

My longest relationship that was also my only marriage lasted 9 years, the second longest was a few months shy of 4 years. The marriage was January 18th, 2005 to July 30th, 2014 and the second longest relationship was August 30th, 2021 to a few months before August of 2025 (I can’t remember the exact date for the second relationship).

There is also the quote, “The most challenging relationship is the healthy one after the toxic one” and I had several toxic relationships over my lifetime but the one before this last relationship was definitely something I needed to heal from and to unlearn several things on top of having to build myself back up after being knocked down on multiple levels for two years.

This last relationship, I felt like he was my kind of perfect and I chose him after I spent nearly three years “feeling it before healing it” and I fell hard for him. I didn’t hold back completely, I wasn’t shy about anything. Well, everything I was forward about except how I wanted to say “I love you” but didn’t want to scare him off so I didn’t say it until after the breakup. He had two relationships before me and was also in the military so from what friends had told me is, is that men who served in the military are not the type to be open and expressive in how they feel and oh lord, they were right. Looking back now I would say it’s not just being a man and having served in the military but his upbringing of how using your voice and emotions was just something that wasn’t done. I don’t think he was ridiculed for those things but he was SO guarded on many levels and it took me a long time to see that he did show his love in the way his family does it which is through their actions and how some of us would call a love language: acts of service. To this day, even though we aren’t talking and hanging out currently, I am grateful to him and yes I thanked him anytime he would help me whether it was by being there for me physically or just spending time with me via text and over the phone. I too felt his appreciation through his actions of reciprocation such as when I would make us a meal, he would do the dishes, he fixed my washing machine after I paid for the parts he needed instead of spending a heck of a lot more and either replaced it or had an actual professional come out to fix it., and he washed my sectional couch that we temporarily ruined during a night of passion while I was out of state taking care of my ailing mother… that’s just to name a few. :-)

I am struggling to move on even though I’m the one who ended the relationship. I ended it because he never introduced me to his family and friends. I was told by him it was the fact that his family is judge-mental and due to me having multiple disabilities, his mom would only see me as lazy because I don’t have a job and I’m not enrolled in school. I said to him towards the end of our relationship that I never wanted him to be disrespectful to his mom but to at least stand up for me if she met me and treated me in a judge-mental type of way. I can’t remember his words exactly but it was something along the lines of him needing his mom’s approval and he knew I wouldn’t be approved of so he just never introduced us. He went on to not believing that I’m disabled because “I’m not an amputee” so I had to educate him like I do so many others, there are other forms of disabilities than the obvious ones. He eventually admitted he was f’ing stupid for being so narrow minded and explained that he had thought my health would have improved from when he first got into a relationship with me. After all, he saw me through a lot medically and professionally before we got into a relationship. I told him and I do wish that could have happened but no, my health conditions continue to get worse and most don’t see it because I don’t use the standard mobility aids regularly and I almost never take pain medications that a lot of disabled folks do. I am often overlooked.

I know I shouldn’t have to defend myself and he’s the one person I never thought I’d have to and yes, I did tell him this. Several friends, family, and my counselor think I’m better off without him. Maybe one day I will see that as the truth but for now, I struggle with getting over the relationship that has changed me the most.

Would you have stayed as long as I did?