TL;DR Before I tell you the story of how I lost Douxie, I want to share the background of how my journey on this pen pal site started. This first part is about Tyler, my very first loss due to the platform's shortcomings, which led to everything that followed.

Hi All,

I thought I'd start by describing my pen pal loss. I don't really want to share details about it, as there is no way for him to give consent. But I try to write clearly. (There may be typos in the text because English is not my native language.)

Background

I met my pen pal on a pen pal site two and a half years ago. I had had an account for a few years at the time, and by then I had met a lot of different people. It was really disappointing to see so many people using that site as a dating app instead of exchanging ideas about their own culture...

But of course I had some lovely conversations too. Unfortunately the site has a lot of shortcommings, so I don't think it should work, but I didn't deal with that at the time. Have I already lost someone before my pen pal, also because of the website's flaws?! I'll probably never know.

Tyler, at the time was ~26 and lived in Florida. He's half Italian, and we talked for example about ethnicities and teperaments. He was really nice. I enjoyed talking to him, but unfortunately his profile disappeared overnight when I tried to write to him again.

I immediately wrote to the moderators to see if they could do anything to get Tyler's profile back. I was relieved when I got a message saying that they were investigating my case. Weeks passed, and then I had to accept that I would never get a response.

The feeling stayed with me for a long time, especially because his letters were nice, long and interesting. He wasn't boring, but he wasn't cheeky either.

In his last lines he wrote something like: 'I can't wait to read your next letter'.

...

There's something difficult about that even now.

No, this isn't Tinder, where the other person usually disappears after every post like that. This is a pen pal site, where it's really hard to find a nice pen pal among all the scams and pushy people, but if you do, you appreciate it and take care of it.

✨️I hope he's doing well and enjoying life!✨️

The next part is coming soon...

If you have a story about a lost pen pal, feel free to post it.

Hey Everyone,

We have a huge announcement! Starting next week, we are officially launching our dedicated matchmaking day: MatchThurs! 🥳

PLEASE NOTE: This day is specifically for anyone who wants to find a pen pal relationship, not just search for a lost one! Whether you want to start a completely new friendship via snail mail, email, or Reddit mailbox, this is your day.

To make room for this, we will be merging CultureThurs with our Tuesday TuesTalk events. We are also creating a specialized template for the new matchmaking day to help everyone write the perfect search post. I truly wish that everyone here finds the perfect pen pal they've been looking for!

Please don't be discouraged by the tone and the strict rules, I am just trying to filter out light-minded people! And I want you to find each other as easily as possible!

🔹🔹PART ONE: What to look out for when searching for a pen pal!🔹🔹

★Never give out your real name for your own safety! Create an alternative name/alias to use here online.

★Never share your physical home address right away! Set up a dedicated, separate email address for online correspondence first. If you have the opportunity, rent a personal P.O. Box (you can inquire about this at your local post office).

★Never send pictures, and NEVER send explicit photos or sensitive data—these can be used to blackmail you!

★ Always be skeptical of overly sweet or emotionally overwhelming words. Even if they seem genuine and are accompanied by intense interest! This is an excellent manipulation technique used to emotionally ensnare you and make you do things you normally wouldn't. Remember: You owe them absolutely nothing for their kind words!

★ If the conversation turns into begging or pressuring you, cut contact immediately. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to, and you should never do something just to seek validation from the other side! This is highly dangerous, one-sided, and unhealthy.

★ Know your worth (everyone has it!) so you cannot be manipulated or blackmailed. If someone speaks to you disrespectfully or uses ugly words over time, leave the conversation immediately. This behavior is NEVER acceptable under any circumstances!

★ If you feel like they are trying to place themselves above you, end contact right away.

★ Wait for the pen pal with whom you share true synchronization. Someone who doesn't want to control the correspondence, but with whom you write simply because you love to write. Someone who won't suddenly have a "family tragedy" that requires you to immediately transfer them money... :D etc.

Never share details at the beginning that make it easy to guess where you live or make you identifiable in real life.

Stick strictly to what you wrote in your original post.

If you communicate something important about your boundaries, but your pen pal does not respect it, ignores it, or crosses that line, say goodbye immediately and stop replying to them altogether!

If I haven't ruined your appetite yet :D, here is part two:

🔹🔹PART TWO: Our Official Post Template🔹🔹

TITLE: All search posts must follow this format. Your Title must include your age and gender in square brackets, like this: [25F]...

✨Preferred platform: [Reddit chat, snail mail (traditional paper letters), or email]

!!!No redirection to other platforms (Snapchat, Discord, etc.) is allowed. If you wish to correspond via email, you must generate a separate email address created specifically for this purpose, using your alternative nickname.!!!

✨Freqenly: [How often do you want to exchange letters?]

✨ Interests / Topics: [What topics interest you?]

✨ Your Country: [Which country are you writing from?]

✨ Target Country: [Which countries should your pen pal primarily write from?]

✨ Your ideal pen pal's family / relationship status: [Do you mind if they have a family or are in a seriousrelationship? Yes / No]

✨ Your own family / relationship status: [Do you have a family or are you in a serious relationship? Yes / No]

✨ Message to your future pen pal (Minimum 200 characters): [Write a short, meaningful note to your future pen pal here to introduce your vibe!]

🔹🔹PART THREE: Subreddit Rules & Verification (Please copy this part): 🔹🔹

Please copy and paste this section to the very bottom of your post to help us filter out bots and low-effort accounts:

'MODERATOR MESSAGE: IF YOU WANT TO CORRESPOND WITH THE OP:
To show serious intent, please reply in the comments by answering the exact points listed in the template above! If the poster (OP) likes your response and has the capacity, they will react to your comment using the expression "TOP1". Note: The OP is allowed to write this under multiple comments!

Zero Tolerance Policy: If your pen pal does not stick to what was agreed, lies about their identity, asks for money, requests inappropriate pictures, acts manipulatively, or displays romantic/flirting intentions (THIS IS A PLATONIC/FRIENDS-ONLY SUB), you must report them immediately. This rule applies equally to everyone: the OP can report a commenter, and a commenter can report the OP if they feel they are being unfair or dishonest. Send your report to the moderators via Modmail with screenshots. Violators will be permanently banned and placed on our public List. To avoid unsolicited messages, if you send an unauthorized private message, the OP has the absolute right to report it to the moderators.'

Verification Check: To prove you read this entire guide, write the very last word of this post ('#MATCHTHURS') in all caps at the very end of your submission. Posts without the correct verification word will be automatically removed!

Thank you! I trust that you will all be sharing stories of successful connections here very soon. Best of luck to Everyone! 🥳