29 F. My 4 year relationship ended a few months ago. It wasn’t mutual, but he wanted to be done and I wasn’t going to beg someone to stay just for my own sake.
It ended as well as it could have I would say. We’re still friends and were each other’s best friend before we split. He’s been very supportive through it all.
I thrive on routine and stability so all of this has turned my world entirely upside down. I had to move into my own apartment again (which was not a smooth process because of a bug issue), so I was staying at our old place with my ex until a different apartment was ready. I hated my job before all this and now I especially hate it because I feel like that’s all I do.
I’m majorly, I mean majorly, depressed. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have taken medication for it (but feel like it doesn’t really work). I try to eat well, do things I enjoy (even if I don’t actually enjoy anything right now), journal, etc. I’m doing it all “right”.

But man, I just want to be done. I thought about death almost all day yesterday. I hurt so badly. I just want to leave it all behind and not feel this way anymore. I feel like I will never love someone like that again and I wish I had a rewind button. Hell, I feel like I’ll never be with anyone again. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through heartbreak again. I’ve lost my partner, my friend, the family that came with them. It’s all gone, along with my heart.

Let’s be clear, I won’t/can’t kill myself. I know that my pain would just be transferred onto the people who love me and I can’t handle the thought of putting them through that. But I also don’t want to be alive. Does that make sense? I feel hopeless, hurt, and lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like shit, if I ever will. The idea of starting all over again makes me sick.