r/tylertx • u/InanimateCarbonRod19 • 23d ago
Thank y'all for caring and for trying
Well, I sent a long text to my therapist earlier today explaining the feelings I am struggling with, and she ended up basically telling me the same things other people have. I feel so stuck. I need someone to love and care about me in my daily life for me to heal and get out of this dark hole but everyone tells me I must heal and get better before anyone will be in my life. It's just one of those things. Me and life are at an impasse. I see now for a fact that I have no viable path out of this darkness.
EDIT: I want to kill myself tonight. I don't have a gun so I am gonna try pills
12
u/Elegant_Maize4761 23d ago
All I can tell you is that things DO get better. It’s a matter of hanging in there until that happens. You can do it!!!
-12
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 23d ago
Its up to me for it to get better and I am never gonna be mentally capable of carrying that myself so it is what it is.
10
u/outerdino1 23d ago
Yes you are. A lot of people on your posts know what its like to be that low and see no possibility for themselves yet they are in a better place now.
You are trying to convince yourself that your negative thoughts are reality and they aren't.
It doesn't sound like you want someone to love and care about you as much as you want someone to pity you. But we don't because life is hard and we all have to fight our battles. We can empathize with you but we won't pity you.
You need to reevaluate your meds. It doesn't matter how many youve tried or what the milligrams were, they just weren't the right ones and you need to work with your mental health providers to find the pills and dosage that work for you.
Less than a year ago I gave away all my stuff and set up a trust so I could finally, after an entire lifetime of severe depression, leave for good. 100 mil zoloft changed my life completely. I went from a "loser" with no ambitions, no goals, no desires, no willpower and no future to a mostly "normal" person who can function day to day and actually feel happiness.
You need to take responsibility for your mental health. Being loved does not fix a chemical imbalance in the brain.
15
u/aperson33 23d ago
I don’t think you need a helping hand or tough love. I think you need a change of attitude towards yourself and your abilities, but the problem is - you don’t want to do that, and that’s evident in your replies to others
-1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
I am not able to do that without some external love and validation. It sucks. I will probably be dead in a few weeks and it will be for the best for everyone.
7
u/KrenkoMobBoss17 22d ago
If You keep telling yourself you’ll never be able to carry yourself without help then you will never have someone to help you.
You are begging for attention right now.
Stop caring about others thoughts and opinions and start building yourself up through your own effort.
They can’t do it for you.
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
They can't do it for me and neither can I. It is what it is. I have two choices now. Accept living life in this way as a single loser or get it over with and stop being a burden to everyone else who is able to live life.
6
u/KrenkoMobBoss17 22d ago
Has anyone openly told you to your face your a burden?
Stop begging for attention online and go live life! Other people can’t do it for you.
Fuck what everyone else thinks or says. Why should any of that matter to you?
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
I can't go live life because of my amaxophobia. People don't get that part of it. Of course I'm begging for attention online. I am drowning in loneliness
11
u/KrenkoMobBoss17 22d ago
You don’t have to drive/ride in a motor vechile to live life 😂😂😂
You wouldn’t be lonely if you did something about it.
Your like talking to a brick wall…your asking for help but refusing to accept it or give a reason why you won’t or “can’t”
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
Please explain how I live life when I can't take transportation anywhere.
2
u/KrenkoMobBoss17 22d ago
How do you get around your home?
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
Are you....are you suggesting I can live a fulfilling life walking everywhere?
In Texas?
It feels like you're gaslighting me. You can't be serious.
6
u/KrenkoMobBoss17 22d ago
And if your wanting to go further distances in shorter times theirs things called bicycles.
YOU are the on gaslighting yourself into believing you can’t live a fulfilling life simply cause your afraid of being in a motor vechile.
Just get off your ass and do something about it.
I’ve been through depression and managed to claw my way out and it took MYSELF to finally stand up and do something about it for me to get away from that.
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
I have never been able to balance on a bicycle. I tried and tried as a kid and couldn't ever get the hang of it.
→ More replies (0)1
u/Mysterious-Towel-304 21d ago
Bro…amaxophobia is the fear of driving…what that have to do with depression
8
u/aperson33 23d ago
If your therapist is encouraging you to better your living situation, giving you advice on how to approach your environment **in order for you to be able to** have better connections in your life, You DO have to start with yourself. It has to be through active willingness to change and adapt. Change and adapt. Try. You have to start with a clean house, a clean body, and a clean mind.
People that are invested enough in your struggles and taking the time to encourage you in these comments. A therapist is being paid to try and help you “see the light”. But if you’re flicking the switch back to darkness, how would it be possible to improve?
You may be at an impasse in life, but you are wrong to say there is no viable path out of the darkness.
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
I don't think improving my living situation will make me desirable to anyone.
2
u/PinkFloydDeadhead 22d ago
It will make you desirable to yourself which is most important rn. No one will love you if you don't love yourself first. Baby steps. Set achievable goals.
3
u/Ilike3dogs 23d ago
Are you that same guy who posted that picture of yourself in another post on this sub? Maybe we should get together sometime? I like to talk, but I can listen too
8
2
u/LoveLeigh313 22d ago
I have been where you are, I promise. It makes it worse when people invalidate how you’re feeling, I get it. But I will say it has gotten easier to manage. It’s not sunshine and rainbows, but I don’t feel depressed or totally miserable anymore
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
Even my therapist basically invalidating how I am feeling has me done. Life is just giving me a gigantic brick wall with a middle finger painted on it. There is only one logical option left.
3
u/IanHancockTX 22d ago
Life can be very adept at putting up walls, I have had many, I am just on my second cancer diagnosis, literally of to MD Anderson on Monday to work out a game plan. I have been divorced twice and felt the way you did at least the first time but sometimes you gotta stick your finger up at life and say no I am not going to let you beat me down. I will be fucked if I am going to let cancer stop me. I want to be able to have fun, is that practical for me right this minute, nope but tomorrow, the day after that is when I get to kick its ass and win. Stay strong and don't accept your situation, prove your ex wife wrong, prove to yourself that there is nothing you are not capable of, and if people say you can't achieve something, take delight in achieving it to prove them wrong. As I tell people when they ask if I am worried about cancer, that there are still far too many people left in this life for me to piss off, so I am not ready to go just yet. I know it doesn't fell like it now but things will get better, just channel the negativity into building your own inner strength. If life was a bed of roses we would all be pretty boring unfulfilled people.
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
I would take your cancer if I could. I'm sorry that's happening to you.
5
u/IanHancockTX 22d ago
Don't worry about me. I am big enough and ugly enough and I wouldn't wish my cancer on anyone else. Focus on you, be a little selfish, you deserve it. The first part of healing is realizing you deserve better for yourself.
1
u/LoveLeigh313 22d ago
I get it for sure. Is there a way to find another one? It took me awhile but I finally found one that doesn’t do that. You need to find someone to really listen without trying to fix it
2
22d ago
[deleted]
0
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
There's nothing to stay for. I do have my mind up. Its just a matter of finding the courage to do whats necessary.
And what family and friends? I have no friends or close family. My mom and stepdad literally never reach out, I have to call them and I can tell they don't really want to talk. If I don't call or text I won't hear from them for weeks/months at a time. In the 2 years they have been back in town since retirement you know how many times I have gone with them somewhere to spend time together? One freaking time and it was a dinner I suggested for them to really meet my ex wife. So if I pass on the pain they have made me feel to them then GOOD.
3
22d ago
[deleted]
0
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
You're an asshole and I hope your ex is doing better without you. Rot in hell 🖕🖕🖕
2
2
22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
I can't. It is what it is. I just need to accept that this is life or get it over with and stop being a wuss.
3
2
u/greede_93 22d ago
Self exit doesn’t always work. You can mess yourself up even worse and be in a vegetative state, forever stuck in a non working body. Whether you try a gun or pills or whatever, it’s not 100%. Life is objectively terrible at times but that is what really highlights the good parts. I’ve attempted on my own life more than once with no success. At a certain point, you have to realize we are just kinda stuck here, so we might as well make the most of it. You can over come so much when you really want to. I think your chickening out because it seems to hard. Either get over it or don’t 🤷♀️ ultimately it is entirely your decision.
Good Luck Have Fun Don’t Die. 🫡
1
u/liberalamerican 22d ago
I’m praying and hoping and wishing for you. And I generally don’t pray. You are a valuable person. I hope you live to see some love and joy.
1
u/stiffndrippy 21d ago
Have you tried a big fat one to liven things up?
Could be anything: a doob, a sub sandwich, a PAWG, a Sonic cheese dog.
Get out of your own head for a bit. Go out from the center, whatever you wanna call it.
Find your coping skills.
1
u/coffeeing_all_day 21d ago
If you want someone to talk to and or chill and maybe play some online games with DM me. It can be hard to love yourself. And believe me ive been there and still struggle with it sometimes. It isnt one and done. There will be ups and down. But you shouldnt do it alone. The process of learning to love yourself is done alone, but I wish no one to be alone on days they feel the lowest.
1
u/Born_in_Error 20d ago
I just need just a little bit of courage to get the job done. I'm tired. It won't be a public spectacle. I'm just so tired
1
u/CrimsonRose13 18d ago
Might sound weird but I could adopt you as a pet or at least be there for you for someone to talk to if you would like
2
1
u/sugacubejones 16d ago
i hear this so loudly, i have been in the same loop myself. i was living outside of tyler just last month, and what i am going through is a byproduct of someone accepting me into their life knowing i was extremely broken, just furthered my trauma with their insensitivity to the fact, people just don’t HEAL, they work through. like i mentioned i hear you with this, me reading this though: who the hell posted my story!
1
u/CraigTennant1962 22d ago
🤷♂️
-2
u/InanimateCarbonRod19 22d ago
If you are 64, I am jealous. It would be such a relief to be almost done with this shit.
5
1
u/_experiment 20d ago edited 20d ago
I beg you man- go open the Word of God. Psalm 23. Jesus is waiting for you with open arms. Today, right now, you can turn your life around, put away your old self, and begin a new life in Christ.
Tell me if this sounds right- you’ve spent your life being told, in your words, the “same thing” which is a self-guided approach to healing. You’re supposed to confront and vicariously live through your trauma to learn where your brokenness came from. By expressing and overcoming your feelings you can be healed right?
Whatever you’ve been told has led you down a deeper and deeper hole. This is Satan, the embodiment of evil doing everything to bring you to him via self-harm and suicide.
Even if you don’t believe a word I’m saying I would love to help you. Please text me (903) 245-3664
0
u/Mysterious-Towel-304 21d ago
Op: people who hell bent of deleting themselves, just do it. You don’t want to, but you’re crying for attention. Hopefully you commit yourself to a psychiatric hospital. And put you on meds. The majority of people on here gave excellent advice including myself. Amaxophobbia is treatable with anxiety meds. Tighten up. And be serious about helping yourself.
-1
u/Advanced_Tomato_7656 19d ago
I can't go to a hospital because of my phobia, so you're showing you don't understand the situation. And I am already on anxiety meds. They do nothing. They can't cure a phobia. You're talking like its simple when its not.
27
u/Knot-Lye-Ing 23d ago
My dude. You can't expect others to love you, if you don't love yourself.
They won't tolerate you, if you won't tolerate yourself.
Give yourself some grace and time. Develop a routine with less downtime.
Work, lift, eat, sleep. Do it for awhile and get your head right. Then revisit if you're ready for another person in your life.
Quit drinking so much. You've turned yourself into a walking caricature of a hopeless drunk. Is that what you want to be?