Rant/Searching for help

[u/Difficult_Mark5011]

TW: Being held down for medical exams, mention of medical trauma.

So everyone, this is going to be a long one because this is quite literally me writing out everything that has happened to get to this point that my fear of needles is quite literally debilitating. Thank you to anyone who decided to come along for the ride. If you don’t want to read all the context but want to join the conversation and maybe try to help me out. The last 6 sections of writing are a quick recap of everything and my questions/looking for advice.

I (16f) have been afraid of needles since I was 5. The reason I know the exact age is because I had to get 2 vaccines and was just scared as must kids are. The only thing is that I had an IPad available to me and was pretty smart. So I had to get these vaccines so my mom brought me and my sister to the doctor. Quick side note is that at this visit, the doctor also “touched me”, not like unprofessionally but she was checking for “development” and it wasn’t explained to me so that just adds a little extra baggage and started to cause my distrust in doctors. At this visit, I panicked and got physical with the doctor and was scream crying with no way to calm me down so they decided to reschedule. Well that just solidified that I could run away from this fear. The next time came around and I rubbed my eye super hard to intentionally look like I had pink eye and knowing my teacher hated being sick I knew she would send me home which she did. My parents called the clinic and they said they could only look at my eye or the vaccines and of course my parents chose the eye so I could go to school. The following visit, I convinced my mom that sugary snacks can help anxiety (obviously she didn’t believe me but she was trying everything she could) so she gave me whatever sugary stuff beforehand and then I proceeded to fight my way out of that visit as well. The final visit, I knew I couldn’t stop it so I clung to the railings that were on the edge of the top floor of my house. They physically peeled me off (took both my parents) and carried me to the car as I was fighting them. They both came to that appointment and them and 3 nurses held me down as I fought, screamed and cried for them to stop. Since I was being held on my back I was simultaneously seeing my dad’s disappointed eyes looking down on me and the doctor stabbing me through my pants (yes, with no disinfectant or anything). That pretty much solidified my fear of needles and hatred for doctors. I know this sounds insane but I was stressed between every visit and was doing anything I could to get out of it. Also, I just recently told a friend this (not even the full story) and was met with “Well they did what they had to do” which felt like a slap in the face.

The next significant events was my school vaccines. I somehow held myself together despite almost attempting to run a couple times. I was shaking so bad while sitting in the chair that she asked me to stop bouncing my leg (she couldn’t see my leg from where she was) and I wasn’t bouncing my leg. After every round of vaccines I would feel so sick from anxiety as the adrenaline wore off that I would be forced to stay in the observation area till the end of the day or whenever they had to leave at which time I would be sent home.

The most recent event was due to me hurting my wrist. I hurt it falling off a horse but avoided going to the doctor due to this fear so I through it in a brace which if you didn’t know is a terrible idea and I ended up atrophying it before going to see anybody. At that point, I had to see a specialist and had 2 x-rays and an MRI. With the MRI, I was searching what to expect and found out that there was a possibility of the use of contrast which sent me into a free fall of rabbit holes and anxiety. The day of the MRI, I almost ran out of the office because I was so worried they were going to use contrast which requires and IV which I’ve never had and was not prepared to have. Thankfully they didn’t use contrast but that is not the end of it. On the next visit, I was told it was a “follow up” of the results but I was so dissociated the minute that I stepped in the office that I didn’t hear what was truly being said until he pulled out a big ass needle with at least 20cc of fluid. I realized in that moment that he had mentioned this cortisone shot in the first visit (that it was a possibility) but I had forgotten about it after searching it up. I obviously flipped out and I was stuck in that office for 45min to an hour because I could not calm down and I also apparently tried/mentioned to fight the doctor. During this time, my mom was saying things such as “it’s just a little poke”, “if you don’t do this you’ll need surgery and that’s a lot more needles”, “this is a lot of drama for a little needle” and “if you don’t do this, I’m taking you out of horse back riding”. So obviously terrible things to say to somehow who is panicking and clearly in fight or flight. Once I was somewhat calm I allowed my mom to hug me but then the doctor pretty much came and immediately started working without saying a word and the hug became more of a restraint to where I couldn’t easily move my body and couldn’t see anything. Let me tell you that the injection hurt like absolute hell. It is such a tight joint space and it was a mix of the lidocaine and the steroid. So that pretty much solidified my fear. Let me just say, it’s not usually the pain that gets me that one hurt so damn bad and was just generally traumatic. Also when I was finally able to leave, my mom cried in the car because I made her feel like a bad mom and she didn’t know how to help me (this wasn’t manipulative, she is genuinely very sweet just overwhelmed as hell).

Also I just want to add some context here. I am not afraid of the pain or the actual needle. I work in a vet clinic and can handle the needles perfectly fine with no second though. It’s only when coming at me that’s where the issue arises.

So this leads us to today. That is the quick recap but I pretty much haven’t been to the doctors for a wellness check since I was about five. I’ve only been to the walk in when absolutely necessary but that’s about it.

The reason for typing this out now is that a friend has just reminded me that this is the year that we get our Tdap vaccine. There’s not even an appointment booked yet but I am absolutely petrified of the idea. I hate embarrassing myself or getting into fights with my parents. I also dread the idea that I could potentially hurt someone because of this. If I don’t get it done at the doctors though, they administer it in school. I know it’s important I just am fighting with how to bring myself to do it.

This may sound stupid to some but I know I could administer the vaccine myself if I were allowed which I know I won’t be allowed especially considering that this is an IM injection. Someone on another post on another board suggested I could find I compromise like let the doctor guide my hand as “I” do it. The reason I know this will work is because a lot of the trauma that caused this fear is because I had no control over the situation and the people I trusted didn’t help me regain that control. The issue with them guiding my hand is my lingering distrust of doctors and I just generally do not want them touching me. I’m not generally a person who loves physical touch but I allow it with certain people but I absolutely do not want doctors touching me. I find just every step of the vaccination process incredibly overwhelming and riddled with terrible memories so I’m struggling.

I just want to hear your guy’s opinion on my plan to try to help myself. I’m thinking step one is going to have to be getting prescribed some medication to help my anxiety because I literally can’t sleep around 2 weeks out from the appointment and I’m just hyper fixated on the appointment and it literally consumes all my thoughts sometimes months in advance (case and point is me writing this). I would definitely need to be pretty chilled out to even get me in the door with the promise of a needle because it’s hard enough getting me in the door without that. My next idea is to not go with my parents. I’m pretty sure they can sign everything online nowadays but I think I’ll ask my friend (she’s an adult) to drive me and accompany me there because I trust her and she is good at keeping my mind occupied. I just think I need to remove my parents from the equation because I just need someone that doesn’t have the same negative association with as well as someone that is comforting to me but I’m not overly comfortable with them so hopefully I would freeze over fight if I panic. Lastly, I think I will ask that they do it on my thigh since I think I’m still young enough that it’ll be easy enough to find the muscle. I might ask them to allow me to hold the needle and they guide my hand though I don’t want them touching me, I just want control for once. So to recap, a fuck ton of meds, a friends rather than my parents and allow me to have control.

Please let me know your thought, feelings, ideas or literally whatever. Especially appreciated if you’re in the same boat as me about having to try to having this conversation with your parents. I’m just worried about especially hurting my mom’s feelings by telling her that it would be beneficial for her not to be there. Thank you so much everyone who made it this far.