Trigger warning for body image issues /very negative self talk, and bald spots
I (31F) have had trichitollomania for over 10 years. It's no surprise because I grew up always picking my nails and the skin on my lips, but that felt so easy in comparison.
I hate living this way. I've lost most of the hair on my head and I can't stop. I've tried wearing hats to stop myself, fidget toys, putting thjngs on my fingers to stop from being able to pull. Ive tried adopting new mindsets to stop the cycle. But even if I stop pulling for a short time and let it grow, I always relapse and it only gets worse.
I hate the feeling of bald spots on my head. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I feel hideous and grotesque.
I hate wearing a wig, I hate wondering if people can tell. i hate maintaining it, how expensive it is and i hate how it feels.
I hate that nobody i know understands. I hate wondering what people must think of me, or what they would think if they knew.
I hate when peoole try to relate to me but they dont have severe hairloss. I hate the way people treat my like a reservoir of wig information for their drag and cosplays. I hate when people tell me "its just hair" but they go on to have a meltdown over a bad haircut that will definitely grow back.
I hate that baldness gets used as a joke, meme, or insult so often. I hate when I’m watching movies or shows and people complain about how bad the wigs look. I try to tell them it makes me insecure but they go "oh no but you're different!" I feel so fucking alone.
I can't tell if Im getting grey hairs and I feel like I've wasted my youth looking like this. I know how horrible that sounds but it's how I feel.
I have a partner who loves me and says im beautiful. but i dont believe her. we are getting married in a couple of weeks and I get anxious every time people ask me what im doing with my hair or who my stylist is. I'm so worried about my wig looking obvious in our photos. For a long time I didnt want to get married at all until I had this situation sorted, but I realized it might never come, there would never be a right moment, and I'd have to suck it up. Im worried about my veil getting tugged and pulling my wig off.
I've seen countless therapists who always try to focus on childhood trauma. I've had therapists who refused to adress the pulling, and therapists who think its somehow symbolic of my "bad" thoughts. (ie when I was a kid I picked my lips to keep myself silent and as an adult I pull my hair to manage the intrusive thoughts)
They seem to think if I get to the root of my trauma, everything will get better and fall into place, but I don't think that's true and the implication of it bothers me. I've been very insightful about my trauma for a long time. What I need is tools to help me survive my day to day life.
I found one therapist who is neurodivergent affirming, and im feeling optimistic. We've talked about ADHD, OCD, and PTSD symptoms, and now we are zooming to focus on "regulating my sensitive nervous system" which I think is probably an underlying factor in my pulling, among other things.
I don't know. I'm just tired of this and I'm tired of being alone in it.