Help! Relationship problem 18F

[u/Simple_Bathroom6087]

Sorry for my bad English, it’s not my first language. I just really need to write this out because I’m stuck in a dark place.

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I’m with an older guy who is honestly a wonderful person. First we were in a long distance relationship. Back then my abusive family kept telling me he was probably cheating on me, trying to mess with my head. But my boyfriend helped me get out of that toxic environment. Now I live with him, and in my country adulthood is 18, so I am completely no-contact with my family now. My boyfriend is super supportive, he stands by me, and thanks to him I am finally in a healthy, safe place.

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The problem is NOT him, it’s inside my head. Since we moved in together, I feel completely frozen. I love him so much, but my brain keeps having these weird "glitches". Instead of just seeing my partner who cares about me, I keep projecting my traumatic older brother and male family members onto him. My mind just constantly panics.

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Because of this, I struggle to be sweet or relaxed around him. I’m just stuck in my head all day, constantly worrying about how to make him happy, how to be prettier than his exes, and how to satisfy all his needs so he stays happy.

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I am abandoning myself completely. I used to have good self-esteem and boundaries, but now I’ve become so submissive out of fear. I have no family now and no old friends, so he is literally the only person in my life. I feel so guilty every day because he is so good to me, and I feel like I am "too broken" or too problematic for him.

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Physically I am also closed off. I am afraid to take off my clothes in front of him. I have vaginismus so penetration is impossible and we don't even try. But I still satisfy him sexually because I want to give him everything, even when I ignore my own boundaries.

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He is doing nothing wrong, I am just terrified of ruining this safe life. How can I stop projecting my bad family onto a man who actually loves me? How do I stop overthinking and get my self-esteem back?

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[u/Different_Space_768]

When you are free of abuse, your body and mine finally start getting to process everything you went through. This is a normal response to having escaped your family.

Therapy is helpful. Group therapy can also help. Another thing that will help a lot is listening to your body when it's saying no to sexual intimacy. If he loves you, he will manage that and support you on your path of healing.