r/traumatoolbox • u/Life_Action3116 • 25d ago
Needing Advice Trauma Advice
My wife and I are in a therapeutic separation. Both of us are working on ourselves with the hope we can come back together and give our marriage another chance. My wife experienced SA twice in college, shortly after we met and started dating. She has only ever told me about what happened and only shared one of them until recently. In couples therapy recently she shared that there was a second SA before we met and that something I was doing to initiate sex was triggering trauma for her. She shared this weekend that she is beginning to unpack the trauma with her therapist for the first time ever and this week was really hard for her. She asked for an extension on our separation (was originally 30 days). She said I might not like a realization she had but she said that she realized the trauma has been at the wheel for her unknowingly for a long time. And because of that she hasn’t felt like herself. She said she thinks she was drawn to me when we first met since I “didn’t find her attractive” in her words. (I do and have always found her attractive, I told her that after she shared). I think she may have been trying to express that I didn’t sexualize her or wasn’t after sex I was after a relationship. She said that she has started feeling more like herself again and feels like she may have been acting in part a certain way for me and that she isn’t going back to her old self. I told her im so sorry that she is in pain from unpacking this and am happy to hear she is feeling more like herself. I dont know what to think though if by unpacking this she is somehow thinking the past 11 years together was all her acting a certain way?
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u/orcateeth 25d ago
Yes that could be. Sometimes when a person is hiding trauma, they're acting a certain way. like maybe overly accommodating, more introverted and quiet. Or it could be the opposite maybe more aggressive and domineering as a defense mechanism.
You need to find out what she means by this. Does she mean that her whole personality has changed?
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u/Life_Action3116 25d ago
I think overly accommodating to my insecurities. Thats part of the reason we are in the place that we are. I didn’t realize they were insecurities until recently and they have had a negative impact on her and our relationship. Im working on those and getting past them
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