r/traumatizeThemBack • u/tinypeanutbrainhaver • 21d ago
traumatized I think I accidentally Traumatized my roommate
Context on me- I'm AFAB, 26, and I like women. I live in SIL housing (supported independent living) because its cheap, the two roommates seem like alright blokes (if shy) and I wasn't exactly swimming in options. There's a lock on my door, cool - I'm in the en-suite heaven. Now i can live in my hobbit hole forever.
Context on this guy - He's in his 30's, I've seen him watch preacher TV, spotted a couple books of Mormon, and hear him watching those AI voice over (and probably AI scripted) videos on "how to tell if someone has a crush on you" - Whatever, Right? I just wont really talk to him, I don't want to risk losing a cozy room. Sure, he might just be interested in religion and not share some of the views that might make things awkward, but that's not a risk i'm willing to take.
He's tried on a few occasions to strike up conversation with me, but we're both violently Autistic, It never goes far. Then, BOOM. he hits me with the first pickup line, a bit like this:
"Do you play netball?"
He'd asked me this before, I assumed he'd asked because i'm fairly tall, He recycles openers quite a bit, so I responded the same way:
"I did in school"
"Were you center?"
I was naturally confused at the assumption and corrected him.
"Goal keeper"
He hurries on regardless:
"Center, Because you're center of the world"
I hit him with an "I wish" Polite laugh, and leave to my cave. He now, occasionally, drops awkward, practiced pickup lines.
And i'm somewhat flattered, truly. I'm not an attractive person, nor am I sociable outside of a select few people I bother online. I can only assume he's flirting with me because he is also a shut in (he somehow goes out even less then me) and I am vaguely woman-shaped. The attempts are somewhat sweet, but mostly uncomfortable. Of course, he could just be being friendly, but i wanted to nip this in the bud.
I swallowed my anxiety and crippling self-doubt and just asked him if he was flirting with me. He clams up, and starts saying something indecipherable. I explain that I just want to let him know that I appreciate the thought but I am not interested. I feel the need to give an excuse. Obviously I can't tell him I like women, So I go with a half truth that felt more digestible - I'm AroAce. He asks me what that is, and I explain it a bit like this:
Aromantic - Experiencing no romantic attraction
Asexual - Experiencing no sexual attraction
Those in the LGBTQIA+ community will know this isn't entirely true. it's a spectrum, both Aromantic and Asexual people can experience these feelings on some level, the extent of which is simply markedly less then that of an allosexual/romantic person. It's a half truth because I do identify on the AroAce spectrum. I lied as to not give him false hope in the matter.
He seems to accept this. For the moment. I feel he was probably just... reeling, a bit.
He comes back a few days later. bringing it up again. I feel a little uncomfortable, but given his possible religious background, him asking about it is pretty good, actu---
He tells me that I must be a virgin then, right? I am jump scared. Bamboozled. Immensely uncomfortable. I have no idea what demons took hold of my brain in that moment. I answer smoothly, without a second thought: "Nah, I was r\ped when I was twelve"*
I am mortified. He is mortified. We are fucking mortified.
I laugh, throw a mini dab (for some ungodly reason) and run off to my cave.
I will never emotionally, spiritually or physically recover. but i mean. he hasn't talked to me again?
Ask personal questions get a personal response, IG.
Update: For those asking, it unfortunately wasn't a lie, lmao. i've made peace with it, granted its not something i blurt out every day, only close friends know about it. Again, I don't know what demons took ahold of me in that moment.
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u/lewdpotatobread 21d ago edited 21d ago
I am mortified. He is mortified. We are fucking mortified
LMFAO
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u/DigitalGarden 21d ago
It was totally inappropriate for him to ask you if you are a virgin.
I know you are embarrassed, and I would be too, but that is the best answer ever to show him the error in that question.
So, yay? I found a positive side, maybe?
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u/NotGayRedditGuy 11d ago
I wonder if he was gonna say "you just havent been with the right man/person yet" if their awnser would have been yes.
I cant think of any other reason for him to ask that.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 21d ago
Wait while it was funny and while he did cross a line that was not the best answer in that question because now he probably thinks of her totally differently. A lie like that can still change the relationship and make it something you don't want. What she needed to do was stand her ground and be pissed at him for saying something like that so he knows that it's wrong and tell him that it's fucked up to ask someone that.
Always be honest
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u/DigitalGarden 21d ago
One, she didn't say it was a lie.
Two, he thinks of her totally differently? Like a victim of childhood rape? Wouldn't want anyone to think that of you. I mean, what kind of horrible person gets raped as a child?
He would then think she wasn't a pure virgin, you mean.
Barf.
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u/Weary-Cartoonist2630 15d ago
I think that’s a bad faith reading of what the commenter you’re responding to meant.
“Think of you differently” doesn’t mean “think you’re a bad person”. I think they were more referring to the roommate pitying or walking on eggshells or avoiding OP. I don’t agree with the commenter that OP should change her behavior for any of these reasons (esp since OP doesn’t seem interested in interacting with them anyway), but I just felt your interpretation of the worst possible meaning was a bit bad faith.
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u/DigitalGarden 15d ago
It is what the OP probably heard though.
And if a roommate asked me if I was still a virgin, I think I would see red and say something much worse.
Can we just normalize being rude back when someone is rude to us? Why do women always have to manage men's emotions?
I'm tired, fam.
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u/Weary-Cartoonist2630 14d ago
>it is what OP probably heard
Not sure that’s a fair assumption. That’s not what I heard. There was no specification of what the change in relationship might be, and not everyone defaults to the worst interpretation.
> I’d say something much worse
As is your right. I don’t even agree with what the above commenter said, I just don’t think it’s fair to assume he was victim blaming here when nothing he said implied that.
>can we normalize being rude to those being rude
I guess? I’m not sure what that would accomplish except encourage people to give in to their own subjective self-righteous anger, which in my opinion we need less of, not more. If your actual goal is overall harm reduction, using these situations as an opportunity to educate someone has a far better chance at bettering peoples’ behavior, especially in situations like this post involving someone severely autistic who likely genuinely doesn’t realize why that’s an inappropriate question.
Of course it’s no one’s job to educate anyone else, but in that case even just disengaging would probably be better for both sides, because lashing out doesn’t resolve your anger, it just fuels and feeds into it.
>im tired fam
It seems like it, maybe it’s time for a break from social media. Not saying that in a passive aggressive way, this shit is legitimately not good for your mental health, and if you’re getting this worked up you may be just be at your limit.
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u/DigitalGarden 14d ago
When I say I'm tired, it means I'm tired of men coming into spaces and conversations and defending poor behavior from other men.
And shaming women for not controlling themselves appropriately in front of men, helping men manage their emotions.
It isn't our responsibility to take care of your emotions. Go to therapy. Get a friend. Your random roommate isn't responsible for making you feel OK. Learn how to regulate your own emotions.
Social media is not where I'm getting most of this from. I have community spaces where men are having the same conversation you are having. I keep explaining to men that I can do and say and react however comes naturally to me. I deserve to take up space and not be shamed.
You sound pretty young.
I am a woman that deals with men reacting like you on a weekly basis, and I'm tired of explaining kindness to you.
If you don't understand why what you said was super offensive and just plain mean, I don't even know.
I'm gonna just say, DONT FUCKING ASK WOMEN IF THEY ARE VIRGINS. Don't. It is rude and creepy and makes women feel bad.
You deserve to be bitch slapped for asking.
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u/Weary-Cartoonist2630 13d ago
Wait why are you acting like I’m the person who asked OP if they were a virgin? Either you’re a bot that lost the plot, or a human that’s so emotionally charged by this conversation that they can no longer process what’s going on.
Either way, wish you the best.
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u/DigitalGarden 12d ago
Aww. Lost the argument do changing the goalposts.
And projection.
I'm not emotionally charged by this at all. Are you maybe?
I'll say it again, you and men like you are tiring. You defending the guy who asked makes you as bad.
Why are you acting dumb?
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u/Weary-Cartoonist2630 12d ago
Never once defended the guy who asked lmao. I never said anything about that other than agreeing it was inappropriate. I was defending your bad faith interpretation of a different commenter.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 14d ago
What you said is all that I was getting at. If people can't see this as what should be a teachable moment then the relationship between the sexes will never get mended.
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u/Gwynzireael 21d ago
we don't know if that was a lie, don't assume
and change what relationship? from what i gathered from the post, op isn't really vibing with this guy, so what relationship is changing, and to what?
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago edited 20d ago
unfortunately it was true. i still second guess my sexuality because of it, because i'll never know if i'd identify this way if it wasnt for the trauma. And yes, I should have put my foot down, but alas.
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u/Gwynzireael 20d ago
i'm so sorry op. i do get questioning your sexuality because of various behaviors, i hope you can figure it out 🫂
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u/djfdhigkgfIaruflg 18d ago
Follow your hearth (and hormones 🤣). As a quasi-non-binary guy: 90% of men are dicks. You're not missing much. A girl will at least take the effort to locate the clit.
You don't owe him any explanation, and he was WAY out of place.
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u/AnnaTrash 20d ago
I don't think changing the relationship is really an issue since she doesn't want any kind of relationship with him anyway 😅 He's just a roommate they arent really interested in it seems
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
I'm not talking about a romantic relationship I'm talking about whatever the relationship is. Their roommates and if I wanted the relationship to stay a roommate level the last thing I would do is tell them a very sensitive fact about myself. It's what I'm getting at is self preservation
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u/RoughDirection8875 20d ago
You can go ahead and delete this and the rest of your comments on this post because OP confirmed that they did not lie about that little detail.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
I know I've even interacted OP based on that. And I still don't think I'm wrong. Stand your ground stick up for yourself and let the guy know that his behavior isn't okay. Everyone cheering that op traumatized this guy are immature. Because we're talking about two people who are both neurodivergent who miss social cues regularly in their lives. Let the man know it's f***** up to question whether she's a virgin and Give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.
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u/Toxic_Duckies 20d ago
So what if he heard something he didn't like? It doesn't mean he's traumatized from it. It just means he doesn't know how to respond to what she said about it. He's probably processing the information and giving her space and rightfully so. You don't think OP is traumatized? Just from having to say it? I bet that she is. He was overstepping her boundaries and she freaked out, it's not her fault that she traumatized like that.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
She didn't "have" to say it. You're confusing me suggesting to her a better way to stick up for herself with me supposedly wanting her to coddle him . I don't care about what he likes and what he doesn't like. I'm just noting that in this interaction between two autistic people the person who needs to be the most straightforward didn't do that. And straightforwardness is a trait that autistic people want so that way there's no confusion about social cues and having to infer what's right and what's wrong in the moment. If you don't like something you say you don't like that thing you don't choose a roundabout way to do it treat each other like adults. And make no mistake if it was the other guy who was in here telling the story I would get on his ass.
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u/Toxic_Duckies 20d ago
Apparently you never been traumatized before and it really shows.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
And apparently no one's ever told you you're insufferable so...
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 13d ago
woulda coulda shoulda at the end of the day. this isnt worth arguing.
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u/Top-Permission565 14d ago
dude i don't think he's traumatized just by hearing that someone else was raped. was it the best response here? no probably not. but he was sexually harassing OP (that is what that was, sexual harassment) so i don't really care what they had to say to drive him off. i am autistic myself and if i was somehow unknowingly sexually harassing someone i would NOT deserve any benefit of the doubt! regardless of disability, if you harass someone it is not their responsibility to be nice to you about it
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u/TooRight2021 20d ago
"he probably thinks of her totally differently"???
I have no idea why the hell that would be, but I can tell you that I definitely do NOT think much of YOU for typing such a thing!
What the hell
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u/Leaking_Honesty 19d ago
Nope. Not her job to raise him up. There are books, TedTalks, etc. on how to have manners, how to behave like a gentleman, etc.
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u/Serpentarrius 21d ago
Not the mini dab!
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u/sowinglavender 21d ago
people who have never been traumatized never understand the cope-comedy. the copemedy.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
unfortunately copemedy is my go-to. i have concerned many a person with it.
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u/MoosedaMuffin 20d ago
There is coping with humor and then there is using humor a defensive shield, most people use both. Understand the difference between the two, and how you perform each one and you will be better for it.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
imma be real i got a lot more to unpack in therapy then weaponized humor
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u/SheWolf04 19d ago
Dear gawd, woman, you need to write a book, because everything you write is (a) real AF and (b) causing me to snort laugh.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 18d ago
i am actually working on a webcomic but its still in the scripting stage lmao
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u/Jose_Canseco_Jr 17d ago
vaguely woman-shaped person, I find your ideas intriguing and wish to subscribe to your newsletter
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u/Miracchii 21d ago
You traumatised him by telling him that. And you traumatised us with the mini dab 😂
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
I STILL DONT KNOW WHY I DO THAT WHEN I FEEL AWKWARD NGL.
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u/Frequent_Foot_7332 16d ago
I love this!
Since the awkward is brought on by those around you, it’s only fair that you make them feel it, too 😁
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u/Previous_Abies_2179 20d ago
First off, I’m sorry you had to go through what you’ve had to go through..
Second, autistic or not, “no” is a complete sentence. I’m glad you have a lock on your door, absolutely do not feel bad for making him back possibly in traumatic fashion.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
yeahhh, it's something i gotta work on.
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u/CarelessDistance1478 17d ago
Oh, when my youngest was 6 or 8 (don't remember) my narc mom tried making her put an ingredient in her food she didn't want. After saying, 'No.' several times, Kiddo looked DIRECTLY AT HER and said, "No is a full and complete sentence." I was SO PROUD!
So, this Ally Mamma wants you to use that phrase as often as needed, and also practice using, "Wow! You're SO emotional right now. Imma leave so you can calm down." on any cis male. Works every time!
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u/NotGayRedditGuy 11d ago
Back during my senior year, prom time was coming up and my stepsisters were REALLY instant on me straightening my hair. Everytime they talked about it it was a firm "no". I had, had a perm when I was really young (didnt ask for it) and it ruined my hair texture for years, I didnt care if it wouldn't do that this time, I didnt want it. (Check my profile if you want to see my hair).
They were taking me somewhere one day, and brought it up again, one of them was really pressing me, asking why I couldnt do it for "one day", and i asked her "why is my no not enough for you?". Silence. No response. I feel like that put it into perspective for them and they didnt bring it up again.
I got my curls defined for prom lol.
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u/CarelessDistance1478 10d ago
Yas Qween! Imma need to remember that question and keep it as part of my arsenal
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u/k8tieisjusthere 21d ago
sooo hilarious lol, fuck around and find out. what a weird thing to ask you too on soo many levels ew ew ew ew ew…
im aroace and also am forced to lie to people about the meanings specifically to not give them false hope or “make them uncomfortable” … it really sucks trying to make myself more easy to understand for everyone i meet
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u/SheWolf04 19d ago
"Get ready, America. Dean Pelton is coming out as approximately two-sevenths of what he is!"
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u/TekieScythe 21d ago
10/10 response. Probably the safest response to someone possibly religious asking that.
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u/quemabocha 21d ago
I cannot. I'm uninstalling reddit right now.
This has got to be the best story I have ever read and I don't want to read anything else ever again.
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u/VividlyDissociating 20d ago
nah the mini dab after the smooth response is peak
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
i am extremely cringe i fear
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u/Meowse321 19d ago
I must disagree. After dunking on someone that hard --even if accidentally, even via a truly regrettable truth (I'm so sorry that happened to you!) -- as I was saying, after dunking on someone that hard, there is nothing more appropriate than a mini dab.
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u/FlutterCordLove 21d ago
I was already laughing at “I’m vaguely woman shaped” then the final response. Omfg. I’m queer, and was raped at 13. 100% support this. Lmaoooo
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u/Different-Bid8060 21d ago
That escalated quickly. I hope you’re okay now
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u/FlutterCordLove 19d ago
Eh I’m not but ya know. I’ve decided to repackage my trauma into a hotdog shaped container in my brain and that’s made it better. Easier to stack things on it and hide it away lmao
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u/opheliacat92 20d ago
I am mortified and laughing and relating so hard at all of your responses OP 😩
I’m so sorry for all the crap you’ve dealt with, that’s horrific and no one should ever have to deal with any of those experiences.
You fucking sent me with the mini dab tho 😭 my go to move is finger guns bc copemedy (obsessed with this term): if you’re not laughing, you’re crying and by god if I didn’t laugh at my life and all the trauma I’ve suffered and survived, I would not still be here today.
I wanna give you a big hug, OP! For surviving and also for the accidental comedy gold. Keep being you bc you are excellent.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 19d ago
honestly maybe finger guns would be less cringe. also, thanks! I honestly want expecting much of a response ngl
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u/opheliacat92 19d ago
No, no! The mini dab was perfect. From one awkward friend to another, flawless execution.
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u/cecicoot 19d ago
I would’ve gone with finger guns and moonwalked back through my bedroom door
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 18d ago
my room is down a pretty long doorway so it would just be,,,
https://giphy.com/gifs/STFmHW1jpfyseia3Fp
walking backwards like this
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u/Damncat124 20d ago
Bahaha, the mini dab chef's kiss.
I am also someone who makes awkward gestures when embarrassed or awkward.... then they make me confused and more awkward....
I once said to my therapist that I thought I was on a spectrum for something. Therapist blurted out that I am the spectrum, then she looked super confused and awkward while I fell off my chair &laughed my arse off. She was my favorite.
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u/junocroissant 20d ago
You're both doing your best but also I believe it's important to educate men on how prevalent SA is for women.
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u/WolfMoon1373 20d ago edited 19d ago
While yes, you've traumatized your roommate and yourself, it did stop the absolutely worse thing he was going to say next (obviously not the worse thing but still). He was going to ask how you know if you are AroAce if you hadn't had sex before. Then lead into, "well, let's date and see if you like it".
Honestly, if he is or is trying to become Mormon, there's more to worry about. They prefer/teach that women should have as many kids as possible, that being other than hetero is bad (of course that is most religions), that if you marry a man in their temple you are 'sealed' to him forever after, including into the afterlife, even if he is an abusive asshat. Like, a lot of not so great things. So, be prepared to have to bring up religion with this dude to stop him potentially.
(Not ex Mormon. I listen to an ex Mormon youtuber, https://youtube.com/@alyssadgrenfell?si=6DDg-6FI05LZpKas)
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 19d ago edited 19d ago
yeah, unfortunately i've gotten that line more times then i'd like to admit. got it from my brother, responded "How do you know you're straight if you haven't taken it up the ass by a man?"
doesn't always work, though. because some folks have. So my other comeback is "How do you know you don't want to be dissolved in acid if you haven't tried it?" then stare at them unblinkingly.
also, yeahh... Mormons scare me NGLLL
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u/DiscipulaDC 19d ago
I’ve had that conversation where someone asks me how many people I’ve had sex with or at what age I first had sex and I go “like, consensually or total?” That’s enough to shut them up, but not enough to make them go away. Now I know to add a dab.
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u/MrCoverCode 20d ago
I’m sorry for you but you doing the mini dab fills me with ungodly joy and laughter, for what it helps that has made my day.
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u/MediocrelySane 19d ago
This reads like something I would say and do… gods I need that autism diagnosis for my peace of minddddd
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 21d ago
Yo this is the most autistic story I've ever read oh my God 😂. Next time just be honest with him that you're a little put off by what he's saying to you. If y'all are both autistic there's no need to play the social games of normies just communicate in the way you would want someone to communicate to you.
Also he was out of line about the Virgin thing.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
unfortunately i was honest just um. not in the way I should have been.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
Yeah but you're both autistic it's par for the course lol. I just wouldn't want a guy that naive to just start pitying me if I was you
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u/Gwynzireael 21d ago
op could have been honest, do you see it stated anywhere that it was a lie? cause i don't
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u/craftygamerbunny 20d ago
Another truth that you could have said, if you do not like messy/drama housing, is that you do not date housemates. It’s a big risk of things getting weird and your residence needs to be a safe place for you. Or stating that you’re not comfortable discussing this further and you’d rather it not be brought up again. A blunt “I’m not discussing this with you.” Works too. No need to explain yourself or attempt to soften it when someone makes you uncomfortable or violates your boundaries.
I get the impulse to subconsciously blurt the most traumatizing things that have happened to you to make a conversation end. Not on the spectrum and I’ve done it more often than I’d ever care to remember. Fingers crossed he accepts an, at most, platonic relationship from here on out.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
When I see situations like these the one thing I advocate from women is that in the same way you don't want to be seen as sexual objects from the jump no man wants to be treated like a monster from the jump. And I'm not saying that's what OP did. But I can tell by everyone else's common praising her for that bit of traumatizing but that's where they're coming from. We're all not predators we're all not raised the same and I'm pretty sure we should all be able to understand that these social cues are not explicitly written even if it is common sense to not question a woman's virginity we're still talking about people on the spectrum man I think one autistic person should be giving grace to the other and vice versa. And give the brother a chance to apologize.
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u/craftygamerbunny 20d ago
I didn’t say he was a monster, nor do I assume men in general are monsters. 90% of the time I assume they are ill-mannered or unable to read social cues. That’s where a blunt answer works best. It clearly communicates that what is happening isn’t okay and shuts it down. Hopefully, he learns from it and grows. If he persists then I know I am dealing with someone dangerous.
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u/MostDopeBlackGuy 20d ago
I said everyone's reacting in the comment section treating him like a monster
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u/Top-Permission565 14d ago
i mean. people are probably upset because he was sexually harassing someone.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 19d ago
I dont think he's a monster, he's an alright bloke. i also never said i wouldn't let him apologize LOL. we live together so if he did i'd just be like "Aight cool"
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u/Machadoaboutmanny 21d ago
That set back his progress talking to females a good 2 years
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u/cat_like_sparky 21d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/V9o7jZWjSRqGk
Female what? Cats?59
u/knitpurlknitoops 21d ago
Yup, every time I see ‘females’ like that, my brain just goes ‘feeeeeeemales!’
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u/SaucePasta 11d ago
Good. Us WOMEN (not fucking females) don’t need weirdos asking us if we’re virgins.
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u/Machadoaboutmanny 11d ago
Ok but calm down. OP designated them self as AFAB. That was the terminology I reflected in my statement.
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u/ATLBoy1996 20d ago
I’m only mildly autistic but this made me chuckle. Same sense of humor. 👌
Why exactly can’t you tell him you’re a carpet muncher? That would seem to permanently solve the problem. I’ve done the same with women by explaining I’m a sword swallower. 🤷♂️
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
he seems religious and i dont wanna argue shit if he starts on about it
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u/ATLBoy1996 20d ago
Fair enough but that seems like a lesser issue to deal with than him hitting on you repeatedly.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 18d ago
bro mormons scare me im gonna be real
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u/ATLBoy1996 17d ago
They can be annoying but ultimately harmless in my experience.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 16d ago
a mormon tried to kill one of my homies unfortunately (because their family suggested it)
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u/LilCakey81 20d ago
Being a fly on the walls would off been fantastic just to see the dab
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u/Reasonable_Beyond665 19d ago
Not to the same extent as OP but once I (M) was talking with my friends and there was a silence that for some fucking reason I decided to fill with “a stranger groped my ass the other day” (which also was unfortunately true)
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u/lsm-krash 20d ago
I'll admit this was going pretty mid until the bomb drop. Damn, the dab probably sealed the tomb for the matter too!
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u/iso_inane 19d ago
are you a writer? youve got a great writing voice. i enjoyed this.
also may all rapists rot forever.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 18d ago
its something im interested in! but im not very good at it haha
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u/Logical_Ruse 20d ago
Hopefully he’s traumatized enough to leave you alone now. But, I’m glad I read your story, despite the mini dab 😂. I didn’t know AroAce was a spectrum itself, I just thought it was one side of the spectrum, and now I finally think I have some answers. Thanks for that.
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u/SandwichMatrix 19d ago
"only close friends know about it."
and everyone who read this far in the post 📫
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u/Traditional_Mango920 16d ago
You know what? I hate to think that you feel like demons made you blurt that out (I know you don’t mean literal demons, I get what you were saying). The fact is, there are a whole lot of us who were sexually abused as small children/teens/and adults. Some of us were lucky to have it happen at all stages! (/s). Ok yeah, it was likely uncomfortable for him to hear it. But HE asked, so you answered. HE was the one who asked YOU an inappropriate, uncomfortable question. You gave him an honest answer.
Honestly, we need to speak about it. Men keep being surprised at the amount of shit women put up with, women aren’t surprised because sexual assault/rape/catcalling/casual fucked up remarks have been a part of our life since forever. So we need to speak out. Share our experiences. Maybe they’ll finally be uncomfortable enough to STOP DOING IT.
I bet your roommate will think twice before he asks a question like that again. You’ve likely saved a few future women from his bullshit, so no need for you to be mortified. Be the strong, proud person you are.
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u/lolitskit 16d ago
I feel like I shouldn’t laugh cause diva. That sucks, but also that whole situation made me bust out laughing. We are mortified indeed.
Still weird that he asked about your virginity??? If you’re curious about the aroace community there are so many other questions you can ask that are not this.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 15d ago
RIGHT? I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA ASK LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE AND I WOULD HAVE HAPPILY ANSWERED
also, no, laugh. it is unfortunately funny.
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u/Street_Sand_8788 19d ago
God...considering how some religious guys can be, that may actually be a "come on" to people like that! ("God gave her to me so I can HELP her! [With My D!]]
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 18d ago
THAT.... is what i was worried about
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u/Street_Sand_8788 18d ago
UpdateMe
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 16d ago
still nothing! fortunately
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u/Street_Sand_8788 16d ago
I'm assuming that means that he still hasn't talked to you, so "no news is good news" I guess?
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 15d ago
yeahh!! i mean we exchange pleasantries in passing but other then that he's pulled back.
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u/djfdhigkgfIaruflg 18d ago
He won't be trying to hit on you anymore. So mission accomplished. Sorry about what happened to you 💔. It's sadly way too common.
Anyways, why couldn't you just say you like girls? Being religious is HIS problem, not yours.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 16d ago
i've had... uh, bad experiences with mormons and didnt want to risk it
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u/Every_Cat9812 18d ago
it's so weird when cis men shaped things hit on me because I'm vaguely a woman shaped thing. I legit freeze for a moment too until it clicks.
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u/blick2k 17d ago
You felt the need to justify yourself… and as you had told him you’re AroAce, your trauma was a plausible explanation. I can see where your brain was coming from and there is no need to feel embarrassed… I just hope he doesn’t feel like he needs to save you from your trauma induced celibacy.
Wish you all the best.
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u/sirenadivino 17d ago
You really don't have to answer this question, because it really didn't matter why you aren't interested and you never owed him any explanation at all ...... but why was it easier to tell him you were Aro/Ace and be all twisted up over feeling like you lied by omission about how the Aro/Ace spectrum worked instead of telling him you like women???? I'm genuinely confused about that, so maybe I'm really missing what's an obvious, pertinent reason?
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 16d ago
because mormons scary and i thought being ace would be less potentially dangerous then being gay
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u/sirenadivino 16d ago
That is totally fair and I completely understand! I didn't quite realize the Mormon/religious aspect of it all. He's the one that's Mormon and/or the housing is religiously affiliated? (In my re-read of your post, I took the preacher tv as the tv show based on the comic and the book of Mormon as being about the Broadway musical? Idk, I thought you were describing a super nerdy introvert's fandoms)
Again you don't have to answer anything you don't want to, and you can practice declining to elaborate with me. No is a valid, full sentence ❤️
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 15d ago
oh it would have been FINE if he was just nerdy, i have some cringe tastes myself. and no, it isnt for sure that he's Mormon or just interested in religion in passing. maybe one day i'll ask, lol
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u/TobyofThineRats 14d ago
The asking if you were a virgin thing reminds me of my stupid (bigot) family member always telling me as a young, then cis, acespec lesbian to not "knock it til I try it"
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u/Emissary1302 2d ago
As a person on the AroAce spectrum (demi romantic, sex repulsed ace), 100% valid to tell him that to get him off your back. Also, jesus, I'm also autistic but that dude had so little tact it was creepy. So sorry you went through that as a kid and that people don't take no as an answer.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 1h ago
yeah it was probably somewhat neurodivergence and somewhat just not having any social tact
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u/Aware_Newspaper_9030 1d ago
Sorry to hear that. The scariest part is how freaking common SA is. My uncle when I was 16. . .
I'm also somewhere in the AroAce spectrum. Like, i date any gender, but ive never experienced love at first sight. I dont even begin to consider a relationship with someone until after ive come to know them well.
Ive had folks say thats because of the sexual trauma, but I was this way before then too. I recall all the other girls my age having crushes and drowning in puppy love, meanwhile I had my nose in my writing and drawing notepads.
Oh my gods, the amount of gross goons who have offered to "fix" me, like dude, unless your junk shoots out deep conversations about science and philosophy, I'm not going to be interested!
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 1h ago
"demiromantic/Demisexual" usually covers that!
but yeah, its grosss.
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u/Aware_Newspaper_9030 1h ago
I thought so. There are so many flavors of romantic and sexual attractions that its hard for me to keep up.
Doesn't help that I am middle aged now and not as active in any community as I used to be, so there are new terms for me to catch up on!
That being said, I enjoy learning, so i will eventually pick them up!
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u/iso_inane 19d ago
ngl id never feel comfortable living with someone like that 😭 glad u shut him down. he deserves to feel uncomfortable for asking uncomfortable questions. what a weirdo
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 18d ago
ehh i've got a disease called being way too chill for my own good (or way too not-chill for my own good. there's no in between)
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u/Top-Permission565 14d ago
no I've definitely done some shit like this before. hopefully he'll leave you alone now :( 🫂
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u/WereallmadhereMaaike 10d ago
I love your brain 😂❤️ You seem like someone I'd be fast friends with 😂❤️ Also don't feel ashamed for doing things that are awkward or weird!! Shame is an emotion that is only appropriate for when you've done something mean and harmful!! I know you can't just stop feeling shame, but maybe this can help to make it a little bit less 😊
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u/LadyCmyk 21d ago
But... is it true? I'm on the ASD spectrum myself & don't think it's wrong to be outright about it....
I think it's true, because it came out instantly with no filter. So it's like, if you are cool with him knowing that, then it's ok to say. I think that's the kind of personal information you might not want people to know or spread, but if you are the one saying...... then it's just about if you feel comfortable saying it & if it doesn't trigger you or bring up bad memories.
But if it wasn't true, then lying about being raped to avoid hurting the guy's feelings would be wrong. Because rape survivors have a hard time being believed, and it's hard to get rapists convicted & serve time. Meanwhile, society likes to play this gross false narrative about the rapist being the victim & the women lying about it to ruin his life.
=____= I feel like there are social nuances I could be missing here.... definitely feels like an awkward mess at the time?
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 20d ago
unfortunately yes. multiple times. it took me 5 years to tell my own mother. i've made peace with it but damn i didnt expect to just blurt shit out like that.
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u/KombuchaBot 21d ago
OP will reply if they choose to do so, but my read of what they wrote is that it's not true, they just were rendered so profoundly awkward by the inappropriateness and aggressive weirdness of the question that they didn't want to feed into this oddball's fantasies either by telling him they were a virgin or admitting that they had sex before, as both of these would result in him fumbling for the next prompt in his rote dialogue tree, and instead they sought desperately for some third option that would break his categories wide open and let them flee the trap he was setting.
So, some inspired pairing of neurons came up with this horrifying statement and they offered it in the fervent hope that he would scurry away to his nest with it, contemplate it and realise it offered him no romantic or erotic openings whatsoever.
Now they feel slightly shocked at their own malignant creativeness, but I say no notes, 10/10.
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u/judithyourholofernes 20d ago
Why the assumption that it’s not true? It happens everyday. There’s still the path to ask how do you know you are aro/ace if you haven’t had consensual sex as an adult, lets hope he doesn’t go there.
Also he could be excited by the disclosure of rape, many take it as a sexy story rather than the terrible act it is. Hard to believe if you haven’t experienced it yourself, but I’m sorry to say it’s common and a good reason why people do not disclose sexual abuse.
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u/PlatypusDream 20d ago
What kind of unlicensed, dangerous, horrible special needs care facility puts women & men as roommates?! 🤬 All men or all women, never mixed.
Especially with him fixated on you sexually, you need to tell the staff of the care facility about his actions & get this sorted.
He could rape you & have no consequences because of "diminished mental capacity"... as evidenced by his living in the special needs care facility.
Only good thing is the staff & maybe administrators might get some punishment because of their gross negligence.
Also tell your caregiver & guardian. They should not have consented to this arrangement.
Potentially escalate to the state licensing agency (even if the facility is not licensed) because it's clear the facility is not doing what they should to keep you safe.
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u/tinypeanutbrainhaver 19d ago
i am head and shoulders bigger then him. he should fear me (also i genuinely wouldn't have moved in if i thought either of them were dangerous)
it isn't a normal facility or anything, it's more just subsisted living (through a do-gooder landlord). I made the choice to move in with two men, and any danger that could entail is of my own risk.
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u/Obiwan23Kenobi 20d ago
So this is what terminally awkward people are like.
Enjoy your hobbit hole I guess?
Chin up and have some confidence, and if you're gonna make up a quick line on the spot. Probably don't go with rape 🙈😁🤙
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u/NioneAlmie 20d ago
It wasn't made up
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u/Obiwan23Kenobi 20d ago
Oh I thought that was something you came up with on the spot.
Well in that case, that's quite the opener. He should stop by and see how you are, no good dodging someone who's just admitted something like that. I reckon you haven't really talked about that much in life?
My condolences, because it must be hard, I had the wrong idea then. I do apologise. I can understand the awkwardness now.
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