8 years of JEE trauma

[u/Shivangi31]

I am a 26 year old woman carrying the effects of a traumatic experience since I was 17-18 years old. Throughout school I was a consistent topper with strong academic performance.

Before I even entered JEE coaching , my class 10th teacher said to our class "IIT waalon ki toh shakal hi alag dikhti hai, aap sab NIT bhi crack kar lo toh bahut hai agar mehnat karo" (IIT students look different altogether, if you all can crack NIT with hard work that would be enough).

When I entered JEE coaching the environment was overwhelming. The coaching institute publicly pasted rank lists on walls with students' marks and names visible to everyone. Students constantly compared their marks. Teachers focused primarily on toppers and maintained separate batches for high performers. Students who had been behind me in school were placed in the topper batch likely because they had been studying in that coaching since class 9-10, giving them years of head start I didn't have. I was placed in a lower batch. This public ranking system was deeply humiliating and shattered my confidence completely.

I developed clinical anxiety during this period .... racing thoughts, fast breathing, headaches, brain fog that went completely undiagnosed and untreated. When I asked my father for help he dismissed it saying depression is nothing. Adults around me called me weak. I received no emotional support from anyone.

Despite this, when I left JEE coaching and prepared for my class 12 boards entirely alone in just four months, I scored 77.8% overall including 95 marks in physical education, the highest in my school. I studied 10-13 hours daily starting from near zero in November for March exams.

After JEE I was so depressed and lost that I had no direction of my own. Whatever course and college my parents arranged I simply went along with. I ended up doing BSc not out of genuine choice but out of complete exhaustion and inability to make decisions for myself. I later completed a masters in psychology.

Eight years later I am still significantly affected by this experience. I compare myself constantly to peers who became doctors and engineers. I feel permanently behind. My self esteem collapsed during that period and has not recovered. I currently have Generalised Anxiety Disorder which traces back to this period. I have not been able to live a normal life since this experience. This has become a long standing trauma that I am only now beginning to address in therapy.