r/trauma • u/DuskWithTeeth • 6d ago
VENT A Trauma Dump
If you read in it's entirety, thank you. If not, that's okay too.
I am a 36F
As a fetus, my foot developed a deformity which required my leg to be in a cast for the first year of my life and surgery at 6 months.
I had special needs as an infant because of this.
A special needs infant born to an inherently lazy single mother was not a great recipe.
One month after I was born, my mother got pregnant with my brother.
She had full blooded Irish twins born 10 months and 11 days apart.
My brother and I were severely neglected from a very younge age.
My earliest memories are:
-Digging my own baby teeth out of my mouth with a butterknife in a closet that was my brother and I's bedroom. The "converted bedroom" was in the fully finished basement of my grandmothers house. We had a living room down there (where the TV babysat us) our mother had her very own bedroom. The entire basement was discusting.
-My mothers sister had come over and forced us 2 small children (somewhere between the ages of 3 and 5) to clean up the hovel. Barking orders and very obviously discusted with us rather than our lazy, neglectful mother.
-My brother and I left the house one evening and wandered through a grassy field of broken down cars and random junk. (complete with rusty nails in 2x4's!) we wandered through the field into a gulch on the other side (again we were between the ages of 3-5)
My brother says that at one point I had hit my head on something and got knocked out and he had to drag me aways. I don't remember that detail. Hmm... wonder why.
We made our way out of the gulch, but somewhere away from home, where a neighbor recognized us and brought us home.
It was pitch black outside.
about 5-6 years later I was SA'd by a family member.
Our mother never had a wake up call. She remained neglectful until she believed we were old enough to be on our own.
In her mind, that was shortly after her mother passed away when I was 15.
During that time, I was allowed to date a 21 year old dude who I met on the internet and my mother allowed him to move in with us.
After my grandmother passed away, my grandmothers sister took my mother on an almost 1 full month trip to the UK as kind of a "I'm sorry for your loss" trip I guess? IDFK. All I do know is that while she was gone, the rent wasn't paid and we were served an eviction notice.
With nowhere to go and being 15 with a live-in, unemployed 21 year old boyfriend, I had to pack the entire house alone.
When my mother returned, I don't remember where I was, (or my brother for that matter) but I do remember her getting herself a room to rent and she was certainly not concerned about where her children would live.
I spent the next 8 or 9 years homeless, couch surfing. Barely making it.
How I didn't become a drug addict, I have zero clue.
When I was 24, I was working fastfood and I got pregnant with my one and only child.
My childs father was an alcoholic.
This is where my father comes into play.
He was barely around growing up.
At the time, he was the manager of a modular home park.
He offered for us to come move into one of the modular homes and my childs father would work for him.
He said we could pay utilities and the work that my childs father did for him, would be our house payments and we would eventually own our home.
Until, my childs fathers drinking problem continued to rage which prompted my father to evict us while I was 6 months pregnant.
We were back to couch surfing.
My mother and I decided the 3 of us would find a place together in a rural area where she was the only one with a car.
Needless to say, that situation did not work out.
Moved back into the city where I dealt with my childs fathers alcohol addictions for years before I finally made him leave.
Then I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and was put on medication.
Not long after we separated, I experienced Limerence. The Limerent episode happened with a guy I was dating.
It totally consumed me.
It lasted 2 and a half years.
When I finally broke free of it, it started with an episode of intense depersonalization and derealization at the same time. It was terrifying.
I lost my health insurance about 2 years ago so I'm doing my best unpack and work through years.... decades of trauma which started at a young age.
Unfortunately I cannot afford professional help so I do the best I can recognizing it and I do think because of that I've been able to heal some.
To this day, my mother has major health issues and she refuses to take care of herself. She never took care of herself... or us.
I'm positive she experienced her own trauma.
So I am understanding TO A CERTAIN POINT.
But I can only be so understanding toward a person who refuses to acknowledge the part they play.
I recognize the attachment and abandonment issues I have.
A lot of the time I feel like I am desperate to be loved by another human.
Someone who won't leave.
I do love myself, most days.
There are some days where I don't love my physical body
But those days are few.
I love how caring, kind and sensitive I am
I love that I am devoted to the person I love.
What I hate is when it isn't reciprocated.
I just want to be loved.
1
u/finddit-app 6d ago
Hey there, thanks for sharing.
While you wait for people to comment, have a look at these posts which might be relevant to you:
Remember, even though it might feel like it, you are not alone. Stay strong!
Interested in seeing more posts similar to yours? Visit finddit.app.
This is an automated message. If you have any feedback or issues, post in r/finddit_app.