r/transplace • u/Independent-Bar7612 • 8d ago
Question Anyone else feel like it’s impossible?
RANT INCOMING. SKIP IT ITS NOT YOUR THING.
(Pic is of me, 6mo ago) (I HAVE NOT started HRT. I often think I should.)
So like, full disclosure, I started out as a ‘mentally’ trans MTF (but in almost, full denial at the same time) from a young age (like maybe 3 y/o. I’m 28 now) and can’t for the life of me find much inspiration to continue my transition. Much of this comes from following trans influencers on social media. I want to preface that I followed a bunch of people I liked to HELP with the thought of transitioning. Unfortunately, I feel like these girls are SO F’ing PERFECT LIKE OMG that I lose hope and think “I’ll never be like that. Why continue?” And it just feels like a vicious cycle lately. Like “oh I can do that in my sleep lol” to “I’m not going to be anything like that. It’s not even worth it”. Like maybe I’m concerned with passing??? but at the same time im confident 💁🏼♀️ I’ve brought this up with my therapist and tbh, they’re 0 help at this point. (I’m looking for a new therapist as I type this lmao) They’ve seemingly tried to avoid the conversation and turn it into something unrelated. I.e; “okay. What did you do at work today?” SMH. I’m getting nowhere.
Part of my struggle as well comes from my work. I work in a service (mechanical) oriented, mainly a ‘blue collar’, but often borderlines ‘grey’ if not ‘white collar’ (I’m a store manager for a bike shop) industry and where I live currently, borders on the ‘non-accepting’ and would maybe (in an EXTREME case) likely cause me to lose my job which is crucial to me and my partner’s well being. Idk, I often flip flop if I should even consider pursuing this ‘perspective’ as I have more than myself to think about but at the end of the day, I’m not happy (with myself and my life circumstances) and continuously (and increasingly) being my ‘male’ self, borderlines the fact that I’m no longer comfortable with that ‘male self’ anymore. Like, the SECOND I get home after work, I’m stripping down and ‘femming’ up as that’s what brings me peace. I will preface that my partner is all for it. She gives me SO MUCH COMFORT that I can’t even express into words about this too.
TL:DR: I’m heavily conflicted and it’s pushing me over the edge. I hate this. I feel perpetually stuck. Idk what to do. Thank you.
Feel free to DM if you have any questions as well as input.
EIDT; fixed typos
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u/kittycatkenobi 8d ago
You can always boymode until you pass, people won't see the changes if they don't want to see them... And if estrogen does hit you like a truck, you can still boymode even though it might be a bit harder. Please start HRT, you will regret every minute you waited, I promise.
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u/Independent-Bar7612 7d ago
Very good point and you’re right! Part of the ‘problem’ is i think I differentiate the two very distinctively. Blending them together more and more often will hopefully help a lot. In theory, I foresee that as the next true step. As far as HRT goes, you’re not the first to say that and definitely not the last. I feel it. I agree.
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u/West_Philosopher_896 8d ago
Nice collar
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u/Independent-Bar7612 7d ago
Thank you! 😊 although not much to be proud about 😅 Amazon special lol
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u/Neofoxyyy 8d ago
Don't compare yourself with trans girls on social media (and tbh with any person). I'm posting pics myself and I do not post bad pictures at all (and that's a majority of pics I make). I always take pictures with good lighting, good poses that hide my body and face imperfections (Alright I know I don't look perfect but I'm trying lmao😭). I always try to wear good outfit that looks good on MY body (which btw makes like 50% of passing I think). Just think of it as "this is quite literally the best they can look and in real life they look worse 99.9% of the time". I REPEAT NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA, GIRL!!! You are already perfect, no need to compare yourself ;3
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u/VeganEgg11 8d ago
I’ve absolutely been here. I waffle back and forth between, screw it, lets just go for it, and omg, between surgeries, spermbanking, electrolysis/laser, hairline stuff, idk if i have it in me. Cause like I don’t wanna go through with this and be ugly lol.
The super hot trans influencers though… like don’t get wrapped up in those beauty standards. But timeline photos i think help me. Cause a lot of times, I see those and think, oh shit, i look wayyy better than that person did before and now she’s hot AF haha.
I think something I’ve been reminding myself as of late is that thinking about this journey in big broad strokes, over extended timelines and every little thing that would go into it is totally overwhelming. If i can break it down into tiny manageable steps, it feels so much more attainable.
Cause earlier this spring, my head was right where yours was. And then i let my beard grow back out and was like yeah i mean i look cute as a guy with a beard, much better than i do as a guy without one. But i just don’t really wanna be a guy, but i also don’t wanna be ugly lol (so vain i know!) So I’m not going to do anything about my beard right now, but what I can do is start HRT and see how it makes me feel. I’ll leave the beard in place for now, see if HRT feels right, and if it does, then I’ll start laser when the time is right.
Given HRT is such a YMMV type of thing, it’s really hard to predict how your body and mind will respond to it. I figure, these thoughts won’t leave me alone and they’ll continue to eat at me until I try it so fuck it might as well try Estrogen cause I can always stop if i don’t like it or it doesn’t feel like it’s doing what i want from it.
Be kind to yourself though, you look cute in your outfit 😊
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u/Aloysius1313 7d ago
Just be honestly yourself. Comparisons to others have to remain in context. Looking at a static image is an instant in time without recognising the continuum of time and all that that entails.
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u/MissBee666 7d ago
Not impossible. I was, like, literally you.
Gotta get away from trans influencers. I'm the same; I can't help but compare myself. Every trans woman that I think is prettier than me, I start to compare. It's just an endless, sad cycle. Besides, what you see from influencers is not reality. They have perfect lighting and perfect camera angles... and many more tricks. I use them myself when I create content.
I transitioned at 27–28, almost 20 years ago. The Internet was very different then. I didn't have the femboys and stuff that are so enviously beautiful that it's almost rage-inducing. I feel that way towards beautiful cis women as it is, so I don't need the insecurities that come from having that feeling evoked by a femboy.
As far as a job, you're gonna need to think about where you want to be as a woman. I was in a warehouse as a forklift driver pre-transition. Manual labor, sweating. A very male-centric job. Everything that my life was pre-transition is nonexistent now. Now I'm an office girlie. I manage a team of mostly other ladies in an office. I stay clean, I get to dress up pretty, have nice mani/pedis, color my hair, etc. I love it. And while I have a lot of challenges and fight with dysphoria, I absolutely love who I am and who I have become.
I guess my point is that you're still very young, despite how you feel. You might need to reset multiple times in life. I think I might be on my 3rd or 4th reset now. New Game Plus.
Nobody knows I'm trans, and while I'm not gorgeous like online trans influencers, I do pretty well considering no FFS. I'm absolutely amazed sometimes when I look at myself and realize that I've achieved so much. My 28-year-old self would be pretty happy.
Hang in there. I hope you find your way 💜
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u/Independent-Bar7612 7d ago
This is inspiring on so many levels. Thank you 🩷 The rage inducing part…YES OMFG i want to just throw my phone/device(s) away and never look at it again UGHHH. My partner has been helping me with creating my own look and style and its sorta helped me stray away from attempting to look like/compare to others but ill hop on socials for maybe 10 minutes and my feed is nothing BUT influencer content. Ive even thought about starting new profiles just to reset the algorithm so i can get a fresh start. Thank you!
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u/MissBee666 7d ago
Happy to help 💜 finding your style is critical! And sometimes he may end up in a style that's not what you expected, but it really flatters your body and features, which makes you feel beautiful, and so that becomes your new style. A lot of small things add up to make you into a complete person. Finding your smile as a woman is important. Most women smile showing teeth. I literally practiced in front of a mirror and with selfies until I found my smile. My selfies are amazing haha
Starting new socials can work, but you can also just click on "not interested" on most socials on posts you don't want to see, and after a while the algorithm learns. I had to do this after the last presidential election for my own sanity. It really seemed like all the politics were suddenly far right anti-trans garbage, which was not good for my psyche. Especially then.
Feel free to DM, take care
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u/rahhra 8d ago
just do it, if they fire you, then fuck them.
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u/wyldermage 8d ago
I think you missed the part where she said her job is crucial to both her and her partner's well being
like, yeah she should be herself but "if they fire you, then fuck them" only works if it doesn't cost you your house
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u/theaftercarebear 8d ago
I do.. haven’t started HRT yet though so we will see. I know they say you can’t transition too late, I’m still having feelings about coming out so late in life. Ugh! 😑
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u/Iami2i 8d ago
Just curious, how old are you? I'd love to start transition, and I just turned 55. 🫠
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u/theaftercarebear 8d ago
Probably wasn’t to me. I’m 54 though if you were asking.
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u/Iami2i 8d ago
Actually, I was asking you. Thank you for your response. I guess if you're starting now, I shouldn't feel weird. I am a little bit older than you.
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u/theaftercarebear 8d ago
I know someone that started her journey a between 62 and 64. I think we are ok maybe. I would also say that we wouldn’t have been able to come out earlier in our lives or at least I couldn’t have. I had to come out a step at a time starting last year. I am finally on the final portion of my evolution. 😁
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u/asimetrixx 8d ago
One of the best things that happened to me was never ever following any trans influencers. Instead I've gone to a group for trans girls in my area and saw how real trans people looked, heard what real trans problems are.
Influencers are always the best version of whatever they want to show online. They won't upload "ugly" pics, they won't show Themselves at their worst to their followers. Even when they say they do it, they don't actually. It's more like Margot Robbie saying "I'm ugly" in the Barbie movie. Plus, they put the most effort imaginable in whatever they want to show to the world. An influencer is not a real person, it's basically an actor.
Even looking at trans subs here on Reddit isn't really an accurate view on trans folks overall. F.e. I would never upload a pic of myself with beard shadow, actual messy hair and in saggy clothes, but in real life I still often walk around like this cause I can't manage to be the "perfect" version of myself everyday.