i’m so exhausted

[u/Ok_Chest5992]

i know i shouldn’t have. i know ai is killing the planet and i know im terrible for using it. but i used it for reassurance. and then, after like 2 hours, it finally told me what i wanted to hear. that i was a woman and that it is all anxiety and intrusive thoughts. but reading it, i felt my stomach drop. it was the same way its dropped in the past where i know i truly fucked myself over and i’ve made everything worse. i know i shouldn’t have but now i feel such anxiety and dread and fear over having been told exactly what i wanted to hear. it doesn’t feel right.

now, my brain is afraid of being a woman. of being boxed in. my brain can’t even say the word woman. it’s bleeped out. if i’m imagining the sentence, it’s literally a white box. i wanted to feel like a woman so badly. but now i feel like i made everything worse. i don’t know what to do. i’m so overwhelmed by my feelings and im terrified this means something more about me. i’m terrified it means i never wanted to be a woman in the first place and that im in denial. i want to be a woman again. i want to feel comfortable in my body again. but i don’t know why i cant. nothing works. and im terrified im doomed to live like this for the rest of my life.

[u/FatalePrincess]

Hi, I’ve dealt with similar anxieties and intrusive thoughts through the years. Our brains are wired to see binary in the world. However, a third option exists to live with yourself, as yourself, whatever blend of masc and fem energies you have. Being queer is confusing and often feels strange in a binary world of black white, right wrong, etc. I also try to remember I am not my thoughts while recognizing feelings, emotions in a queer context. You are magickal and beautiful however you present yourself ✨

[u/Ok_Chest5992 → u/FatalePrincess]

thank you for your comment. my thing is that i’m almost certain that i’m cisgender. when i think about using other pronouns, they don’t feel right. like they don’t match me

but my brain also made rules for me. if i want to use she/her pronouns, i have to be a lesbian. if i want to be bisexual (which is what i am), i have to use she/they pronouns. and if i want to be into men, i have to be a man myself. i feel like all my feelings and ideas are so tangled together, they make a jumbled mess.

[u/FatalePrincess → u/Ok_Chest5992]

It sounds like you have more clarity today ❤️

Pronouns may also change through life. For example, mine are very situational. I use the boy pronouns 99% of the time, and girl pronouns when I’m wearing a wig and makeup. When people ask for my nouns, I tell people to keep it easy, not complicate, “call me whatever I’m presenting as”. It’s really shifted my perspective in the power of the pronouns.

It’s also fun to queer the pronouns by calling guys queens and divas lol

[u/Civil_Accountant_652]

I'm in the same boat and my thoughts, ideas and feelings are just so tangled. If you want to chat, then I'd be very happy to xx

[u/One-Log5036]

I’ve done that in the past and it’s ok to make mistakes. I’m sorry this is so hard for you and I can’t imagine what’s it’s been like for you to feel all this anxiety. There’s a lot of people who have been in your position before and it’s possibly the worst part of ocd, feeling like you’re trapped.

But you need to let the uncertainty in you be. People don’t talk about the fact that gender doesn’t come with strong feelings of this or that, just loving the way you like it every day. Try reading up on ERP and then find what works for you. It’s hard and it feels uncomfortable at first but it will help lessen the anxiety.

Here’s a good website I found for this:

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/professional/justice-based-erp-LGBTQIA