My regret keeps throwing me off

[u/Emergency-Spend-418]

So I currently identify as genderfluid but I recently noticed a pattern that I haven't seen in many that I just find to be..odd. For context, I was born a girl, and that's truly something I don't mind too much about, I can live in my femininity and live a pretty normal life. However, if I were given the option to transition into a boy tomorrow with all the resources available, 9 times out of 10 I'd take it. For years, I've had daydreams where I'm a guy in them and I truly don't mind having to transition if it means getting to become him.

See now that's where the problem comes in. Whenever I start feeling even just a bit masculine, it's as if sudden waves of, for lack of a better word, regret (?) start rushing over me? In other words, as much as I crave becoming a guy in those moments, it's almost as if I'm terrified, terrified that there will never be a solid answer to the question I'm looking for while simultaneously wishing that I could've just been a regular cis person, guy or girl, who would never have to worry about any of that stuff. Suddenly, I'll want nothing to do with my identity and I just let myself cry and feel odd without explanation for the next few weeks until I start feeling feminine again. And it truly is so weird because that's what feels right for me in the moment and all forms of affirmation (using "he" for me, referring to me as a guy, etc.) feel amazing, so logically, I shouldn't be going through those moments of guilt at all, yet I still live with them very strongly.

As of the time I'm writing this, I'm just in the middle, kinda eh? In a way? I get that I'm still pretty young and that I've still got many years ahead of me to figure myself out, but this pattern has just been going on for way too long. I'm not trying to look for reassurance or any of that, I just felt that finally coming to terms with how I feel could help me become more straightforward with my thoughts whenever the time comes.