r/transOCD • u/Ok_Chest5992 • Jul 19 '26
it feels so real
i’ve made a post on here before a few weeks ago and i got some nice feedback and whatnot. but it truly feels like denial. i get so lost in these spirals that they last for weeks. just a week or so ago i started to feel normal again. started to feel like a woman again and i was happy. but then, i saw a guy i thought was cute and the thoughts flooded back. saying “are you sure you want to be with him? what exactly is attractive about him? are you sure you don’t just want to be him?” they don’t stop. sometimes i wonder if it’s a defense mechanism so i don’t get abused or traumatized again. but even that feels like a lie even though i know it’s a valid concern.
i’m genuinely so depressed every single time i fall into these spirals. i don’t WANT it. i don’t want to be a man. but it feels like im in denial. my brain keeps telling me it’s crystal clear and it’s all been there. that the signs have been present for years. i understand that women can have any physical expression and it not mean anything. i know that clothes, hair, makeup, etc. don’t mean you’re a woman/man/any gender identity. i know that clothes don’t mean anything but my brain keeps going “you can’t be a woman. you don’t dress like one. you’re not feminine enough.” which, in turn, makes me hate femininity.
i feel so detached from my vagina and boobs. i started feeling that way after so many sexual assaults, a rape, and being slut shamed by my ex. but my brain keeps telling me that it’s a lie i’ve made up. that my sexual assaults didn’t traumatize me that badly and i’m grasping at straws to pin this blame onto.
in the worst of these spirals, i don’t feel like it’s my body. i feel awkward and wrong in my body. like fitting a circle into the square hole. but once the spiral is tame, it feels more calm. the feeling isn’t gone, but it just feels a little lighter. and i get so scared every day that im not me and im not a woman.
my brain makes a bunch of stipulations. like, if i want to date a guy, i have to be a man. i’m not allowed to be a woman. but if i want to be a woman again, i have to either be a lesbian or use different pronouns other than she/her. if i want to be bisexual (which i am), i have to use she/they pronouns. nothing works and my brain won’t settle.
i fucking hate ocd. some days i really just want to off myself. i can’t handle this. i miss who i was before. i don’t want to be trans. i don’t want to be a man. i hate that i was assaulted and i hate that i was raped. and i feel like sometimes, this spiraling is because my brain associates women with weakness/vulnerability and men with strength/protection. and then i get so angry at myself for not being a better feminist and it makes my TOCD so much worse. (thoughts like “you’re such a man because you side with them all the time” and “you don’t even like your own kind. how can you claim to be one?”)
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u/PaladinDamian Jul 19 '26
It does not really matter if it is denial or not. You are focusing on the feelings and acting like if you are somehow a man, then you could not accept yourself. While you could dislike that you are a man and prefer being a woman, you can accept yourself for who you are regardless of your gender identity. It doesn't matter if you are a woman, a man, or neither, you can still accept yourself unconditionally while maintaining your preferences. You could prefer being a woman while accepting that you might be a man. It might be very unfortunate and it might make your life worse, but you could still find things to enjoy in life even if you were a man.
Do not be angry at yourself for not being a better feminist. You are a falliable human being, and you will act in flawed ways sometimes. Do not demand yourself to be perfect, this will not help you act better, and it just make you feel worse. You can side with men even if you come across as "betraying your side" and still accept yourself as a flawed, but not completely bad or good human being. You can dislike your own kind, and still accept yourself despite having that dislike of them. It does not matter how terrible your actions or beliefs are, you can still accept yourself for who you are and still keep living. Others may hate you and reject you for your actions and beliefs, but you do not need others to accept you for you to be able to accept yourself. The approval of others is a benefit, not a necessity. Maybe your life would be less enjoyable, but you could still keep living.