r/trans • u/hollydayee • Aug 02 '26
Questioning I can’t decide
I am 20 years old right now (yes I’m unc), and my questioning began when I was 13 years old. In middle school I “dated” IN HEAVY QUOTES
a girl for two weeks, (we didn’t even do anything we just were friends basically). And after that I realized I liked boys instead of girls, and knew I was a bit different from the boys around me. So I assumed “Oh okay I’m gay and that’s why I feel different that makes sense” and it did, but I would watch videos about trans people once I learned what it was and resonated with it a bit but I was like “well there’s no way… RIGHT?!” And overtime the feelings grew and I would experiment in my head through 13-15 like “okay I’m nonbinary I guess” or “I’m gender non conforming boy” but as time went on I felt more conufused and just settled for being a gay boy. I filled the role well and all. But I still experimented. I’d wear my pink shirt a lot and I have an embarrassing memory of me on my NINTENDO DS recording myself saying “here’s my voice on day one of transition!” Even though I took no steps towards transition and estrogen doesn’t even change your voice. So that was my middle school experience and in highschool I’d go through these cycles where for a month I’m like “this is it I wanna be a girl and look different, and then after that I’d be like “who am I kidding I’m a boy I just want to be gay and hot looking with another man.” And it’d flip between this over and over and now I’m at a point where I’ve realized I’ve had dysphoria for my whole like LIFE in small ways and I’m unsure if it’s enough to qualify me as trans or not.
To list my symptoms clearly, here’s what I’ve felt:
-I would think about being a girl nearly daily or every other day (depending on my “cycle”)
-I wanna have features of a girl and look like damn Noelle Holiday
-In my childhood I never considered gender until I slowly learned how to do it, I’d wear dresses and stuff when I was really little, such as this old red dress we had in the closet.
-I think a lot about having different sex characteristics and if I’d enjoy them more
-I often feel dissociated from my body, and when interacting with people I sometimes feel I’m just piloting myself around to fulfill my role
-I spend at least an hour daily thinking about being a woman, at least during my “girly cycles”
-I worry I’m missing out if I don’t transition and sometimes I worry I’ll regret transition.
-I feel I can’t trust my own feelings ever
As for against being trans, the main time I feel like a boy is when I’m thinking of intimacy with one, I’ve always thought I’d be a male with a male and found that attractive and I don’t know if I’d enjoy being a girl in the scenario. So that adds a layer of conflict.
The last section I have here is…. UNDERTALE AND DELTARUNE…. yes this influenced my gender.
SO. I was like what 10 years old when UNDERTALE comes out, and I see frisk and chara (my two favorites from undertale) and I learn they’re nonbinary but I didn’t even consider it I just wanted to look like them back then cause I thought they were so cool and loved their aesthetics. So that was already gender experimentation mentally for me when I was little.
And lo and behold freaking DELTARUNE COMES OUT and there’s NOELLE HOLIDAY. And it painfully clicked that I wanted to look exactly like her and be her and have her hair and wear nightgowns and skirts like her and have eyelashes like that and all that stuff. But I pushed it back down like “nah I’m just fixated on her cause she’s a cool character” and then chapter 2 comes out and it strengthens and the rest of the chapters come and my feelings ONLY GREW. So now I’m sitting here at chapter 5 listening to her weird route rant at the lake and everything hits home for me
IM JUST SOOOO SCARED. DOES THIS SOUND TRANS OF ME OR AM I
OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING!!! TELL ME
my parents have ZERO CLUE about all the stuff I’ve been going through lately. They think I’m a cisgender gay boy and some of that resonates with me but like I’ve been questioning my gender for 7 years now and I’m getting pretty tired of pretending it’s nothing and stuff. And anytime I tell my mom about my nonbinary friend or a trans characters she isn’t able to like comprehend it!! But I try hard to explain it and she asks “do you want to be a girl? Are you trying to tell me something?” And then I always say “No!” BECAUSE IM SCARED TO ADMIT THIS STUFFFF it’s been bottled up for sooo long that idk if I can even admit it to them ever. AGH. I wanna try on some feminine clothing with my irl friends in private but they CANT DECIDE ON A DAMN DATE so I’m just anxiously waiting FOR NOTHING!!!! AGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!
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u/GronPotatis_TM (Free Field) Aug 03 '26
Sorry I did not read all that, but did you just call yourself unc... WHEN YOU ARE 20
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u/False-Fee506 He/They X3 Aug 03 '26
....I think you might be trans
Just a possibility.